“Hey, what are you hiding?”
“Nothing.” She swallowed. “Um…who are you going to dance with today?”
“Oh, I haven’t thought of that,” I said innocently.
“I can fill that place,” said a silvery voice from behind both of us.
“Oh!” exclaimed Sarah before I even turned around to see who it was, but I could guess from her facial expression that whoever spoke was trouble.
I turned around and found the beautiful, tall Robert looking down at me, smiling.
“Hi,” he said with an appealing voice.
“Bye,” said Sarah with a laughing tone and started walking away. She sounded like I had filled her in with every bit of information about Robert, and he seemed happy about that.
“Sounds like you need a dancing partner.” He took one step toward me. I leaped to my feet to face him.
“No, I can’t do that.” I took one step back instinctively.
“Can’t do what?” He tilted his head toward one shoulder and took another step toward me.
“I can’t…dance today,” I said nervously.
He smiled, looking at the ground, his beautiful long eyelashes shading his light brown eyes. He looked back at me; his cheeks were reddish, his hair was a perfect black. I dropped my face down, feeling like a marionette doll whose body was moved along, controlled by someone invisible.
“You are dropping class?” he asked, taking another step toward me.
I nodded, unable to say a word.
“Follow me,” he said as he bypassed me. My heartbeat hammered in my chest. The stomach pain only became stronger, but a sort of power just pushed me to follow him even when I knew this was going to make me feel even guiltier.
I walked a short distance from him. I realized so many eyes were looking at me, and I knew this was going to reach Eric even when he was away. I changed my route and went to a different side, no longer following him. I waited until I saw where exactly he was going; it was the indoor parking area. I waited a little then ran toward that side. He got into a beautiful blue sports car.
“Nice,” I said.
“It’s a rental,” he said humbly and started the engine.
“Robert,” I said, scared.
“Just don’t worry.” He turned toward me, contemplating my face. I was never this close to Robert before, having him look at me this way. “I’ll bring you back before the beginning of your next class.”
“In two hours,” I lied; I had four hours till drawing class.
He drove to a forest that was only twenty minutes away.
“I didn’t understand you. I was so angry at you,” he said with a brittle voice.
“Why?” I held to the seatbelt that lay across me.
“Because you never replied to me.” His dark eyebrows pulled together.
I waited for him to explain.
“Because you were in a coma.” Tears filled his eyes.
“Well, I’m sorry.”
“I thought at that moment that you stopped loving me. That you truly fell in love with that Eric,” he said in disgust.
“I didn’t?” I asked suspiciously, and it obviously alerted him.
“I don’t know.” He shook his head.
He finally stopped the car in a field where there was no snow. Flowers were everywhere, red, yellow, and purple. I quickly got out of the car at the sight of the flowers, and he followed me. As he reached me he just spontaneously hugged me. The surprise of the hug caught my breath. I wasn’t conscious of when I folded my arms around him, but time stood still for a few minutes there while I disappeared inside him. He was shaking, he was breathing and smelling my shoulder, my hair; I looked at his crying face with compassion.
“I don’t remember,” I said while more tears ran down his face. He looked even more appealing as he suffered. He stared at the flowers basking in the sun.
“You remember me?” he whispered, hugging me warmly again.
“Yeah,” I whispered with a low voice. I remembered him as Cassandra; I remembered how much I loved him. This was what I remembered.
“I emailed you every day up to a week before I saw you at that ceremonial thing. I was so sad and angry at you until you said that you were in a coma. It broke my heart all over again when I knew that this had happened to you.”
I pulled myself away from him and started walking toward the field of flowers. “Why didn’t you come after me?” Was I really angry at him about that? I even surprised myself by asking him that.
“You said you were getting married. You needed me to respect your decision.” I kept walking toward the field and he started following me. The smell of his perfumed skin over my clothes was so beautiful that even the smooth breeze wasn’t enough to take it away. I walked silently until I reached the center of the beautiful flowers. I sat on my knees looking across the distance acknowledging the feelings I was developing toward Robert at this moment. I was seriously scared to fall in love again…with him…too. He kneeled near me, just looking at me; I turned toward his beautiful eyes. Unbelievable! I was extremely attracted to him; I could feel a strong force pulling me toward him, and it was stronger as I looked into his suffering eyes.
I refused to believe that it was Julie feeling all that; I would blame it all on me. Somehow I was too pleased to learn that all his suffering now was because of me. At this moment I decided to forget if it was me he loved or Julie. I raised one hand and touched his face without thinking, my hand caressing one side of his face. Robert…I can’t love you as Julie. My facial expressions looked worse than his. I missed you, I’ve always wanted you! Did I promise that if I had another chance to live I wouldn’t let it go? I leaned toward him until we became impossibly close, his pain lessening a little as I pressed my lips gently against his. I dropped just one little kiss over his lips and inhaled, pulling back and looking into his eyes. Where have you been?
He waited trembling as I took a moment to think, but my thoughts were forbidding me to continue. I slowly slid my hand through his hair and pulled myself closer to him, pressing my lips against his once more.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I whispered without any intention of pulling away. I knew that the road of guilt had started, but the pleasure of kissing Robert was hard to stop. I chased guilt away for just another minute as he hugged me tightly and started kissing my shoulders, my décolletage.
He looked at me, breathing strongly through his chest, the breeze slightly moving his hair. I finally pulled myself away and stood on my feet.
“Robert.” Tears fell down my face now. I raised my hand to show him the engagement ring from Eric.
“No.” He shook his head and stood up, looking away silently.
“Robert…,” I repeated.
A moment of silence took over. “Why?”
“I…I need to remember more,” I said, trembling. I was so attracted to Robert that I wanted to hug him again.
I realized now that he was slightly taller than Eric. His clothes were one size bigger than what he should be wearing, but even that looked extremely gorgeous on him.
“Read your emails,” he suggested.
“I don’t remember it.”
“I’ll give it to you. Maybe you can try to guess the password.” He looked across the field, tightening his eyes due to the sun. “If you want you can read your emails on my inbox.”
“Yes!” I almost screamed.
“Do you want to do it tonight?”
“Just after drawing class; I don’t want to miss that too. Maybe you could wait for me in the same parking spot after class.”
“All right.” He smiled.
“At four.” I tried to smile too.
“All right.”
I went back into the warm car. He glanced at me from beneath his beautiful lashes every once in a while. We were breathing inside the car like it was the first oxygen after a long restraint from a deep dive. I called Chester and told him not to pick me up when I was done because I needed to study
a little with some friends.
As agreed, he waited for me in the same spot after class. We drove together to the library where I usually met with Sarah. We went to the computer room where he opened his email and let me read all his emails. He sat close to me, just staring at me. Again and again Julie wrote begging Robert to stay away from her. In every email she wrote, she ended with “I love you.” It was truly confusing even for me to understand what Julie truly wanted. She wrote him that she couldn’t tell him why she made this decision, but it was equally important as her love for him. Obviously Julie suffered too as she left Robert. She explained about dreams she had about him. She begged Robert to start a new life, to find a new girl, but not to tell her should that happen.
What I read was impossible. Did Julie lie to Eric about her love for him? As I read more emails I was even more shocked. No wonder Robert never got over Julie. Gladly, I guess; but I couldn’t tell why she left him. There was something severe and terribly important that couldn’t be disregarded.
“Why did I leave you, Robert?”
“I don’t know,” he said with an innocent, charming tone.
“How can you not know? Why did you never come to Denver to face me and ask me?”
“Julie, read. You said you were marrying your soul mate…your soul mate…” He shook his head.
“But…I wrote at the end of every email that I loved you.”
“It’s why I was never able to move on. I was so confused between what you wanted and what you wrote. You were so happy to meet again with your father and live a normal life. You said it was the first time that you felt safe.” He closed the page I was reading and opened another email. “Look how many times I told you that I wanted to come and speak to you, and look how many times you said it would be the last email if I actually did that. Until you stopped replying.”
His face was so close to mine as he spoke; it felt as if we were breathing the same air. The pull of attraction between us was undeniable. We leaned again toward each other.
“I missed you so much.” He caressed my face with his, like baby lions do. He whispered as his lips drew closer to mine when suddenly someone entered the empty computer room; I pulled myself away within a second. He sighed and stood up. “Ask Eric why you left me. I’m sure he knows.”
I watched him walk out of the library. I couldn’t say anything afterwards. I was annoyed that he wasn’t next to me anymore; his presence made the emails sound a lot better than when I read them alone. I read the last two emails that Julie had sent him, and finally I found in his sent folder many other emails that he sent while Julie was in a coma. He asked so many questions that remained unanswered—even now. I closed his email account and walked out of the library. I realized how many feelings came into me so rapidly. I didn’t know where he was now; we hadn’t exchanged phone numbers and I didn’t know if it was safe to do so. I started walking home while crying. It’s wrong! It’s just wrong! I can’t do this.
When I walked inside the house Donna and Chester were having dinner without me. Donna asked me to sit with them, but I wasn’t hungry although I’d had nothing since breakfast.
“How come?” Donna asked, concerned.
“I had this stomach pain all day. And I met this old friend today.”
“How old?” asked Chester.
“Since Paris, his name is Robert.”
“Robert!” cried Donna, smiling.
“Who’s Robert?” asked Chester.
“Just a friend,” I assured him. I waited until he was looking into his plate, then I signaled to Donna that I wanted to talk to her. She nodded, signifying that she was going to meet me afterwards.
I excused myself and went to my room, waited impatiently for Donna. She finally came in with a sandwich on a plate and a juice.
“No wonder why you’re not hungry.” She smiled. “Oh my God!”
“Who is Robert?” I asked.
“Your love back at school. What did he want?”
“He sang to me yesterday and I kissed him today.” I tried to test how much I was able to tell Donna.
“Huh! I knew you were always in love with him.” She picked up the sandwich and brought it closer to me.
“Did I ever tell you that?” I took the sandwich from her and started eating it.
She raised her shoulders. “You don’t speak much about stuff like that.”
“Mom, do you even like Eric?”
“Um…it’s different. And thank you for calling me Mom.” She smiled.
“Oh.” I shook my head. “What should I do?”
“Do nothing. Just wait and see.” She kissed my forehead. “This is your life. Do not stress, do not worry. Think on your own.”
Donna confused me even more. I sighed looking at the sandwich. “Eric’s coming back tomorrow.”
She smiled at what I said and started walking out of the room. “Sweet dreams, beauty.”
Chapter 21
silence
there is a saying that love brings misery. I think it’s uncertainty that does. Options and choices do lessen one’s satisfaction as they give rise to concern. Even when I wanted to come back to the first state where I happily only had Eric in my life, now it wasn’t the same anymore.
I spent five hours walking around out in nature and thinking. It would have been easier if Donna had protested against my behavior in kissing Robert. If others’ choices were a part of my choice it would be easier to decide because I would be influenced. My life as Cassandra never involved making a decision. Now it was definitely unusual and harder not only to decide but also to be responsible for the consequences of those decisions. I had forever been silently in love with Robert, and I had imagined a world of our own—a place that involved no consequences. Even better than reality, my fantasized world existed with a stronger connection, and it was more magical.
Eric wasn’t going to be back before seven in the evening. I was too frustrated from worrying that he didn’t want to talk with me anymore. Why didn’t he leave me a message before he traveled? I started asking myself thousands of questions. I was a little mad at him and maybe unconsciously blamed him for my kissing Robert. The world went so suddenly from too empty to extremely crowded, and the traffic that people created suffocated me. Even in the outdoors there was no peaceful place; many people were in the woods—hikers, mountain bikers, and climbers. I was uneasy and agitated. Finally, at six in the evening, I called Chester and asked him to inform me when Eric was at his house with Amy. I didn’t know where they lived because Eric never took me there—he said they moved there only when I was in the coma to stay close to the hospital, and they were going to change their residency soon.
Around seven-twenty Eric called and suggested we have dinner together. I was glad his tone was kind, although it didn’t take away the anger I had toward him. At nine he waited for me in my house’s front yard, dressed up so elegantly as usual. The absence of a smile on his face worried me, but as I came closer a slight smile appeared. When I stood only two feet away from him I nodded, disappointed as the smile on his face disappeared. I was so angry at him and so disappointed in myself at once; I stood silently looking at his shoes and waiting for him to speak.
“Hi, Juliette,” he said with an exaggerated sadness. I hated that he called me Juliette.
“Hi,” I replied dryly.
“How have you been?” He said this as if a year had passed where we didn’t see each other.
“I’m all right.” I lifted my face. “New shoes?”
“Yeah.” He raised his shoulders, not understanding the purpose of my question.
I nodded while a terrible sadness came into me. A few moments passed silently while I frustrated myself with guilt. When he approached me and kissed my cheek it made me almost cry, but I did all I could not to until my throat ached. I folded my arm around him for a short hug and slid myself inside the car. He walked around, sat beside me, and started the engine. Three minutes passed while I tried to dry the tears in my eyes by loo
king outside the window and getting my mind busy with silly things.
“I’m sorry I never replied to your message.”
I shook my head. “Where are we going?”
“To a private place.” It sounded like a whisper.
“I’m really not hungry.” I hoped he wasn’t too, that dinner was just a reason to get together.
“All right.” He nodded. “Maybe we can take a walk in the park.
“That sounds good.” I forced a smile.
My face must have revealed the sadness I was feeling because I had already decided not to let kissing Robert be a secret from Eric. The weather was a little chilly; I folded the scarf several times around my neck and buttoned the jacket till the last button. The park was almost empty at this time; a few couples walked by. I started walking around Eric scratching my head and mumbling.
“Well, what is it?” He didn’t look worried but rather concerned. I preferred if he doubted a little so that when I told him he wouldn’t be too surprised.
“Eric, you are right. I am remembering pieces of my life, and sometimes these pieces are not to our favor.” I closed my fist and placed it on my heart. “I’m remembering so much about Robert.”
He nodded silently and folded his hands over his chest. He kept facing me waiting for the rest of what I had to say.
“Just so many feelings are coming back to me.” I paused.
“Julie.” He loosened his hands. “What you are going through is normal. I thought a lot during my flights, and I realized that it is expected for you to be in this situation. I’m sure that with time, you will remember the happiest times of your life, those times about us.”
“No, Eric…yesterday.” I shook my head in disappointment. “Yesterday Robert and I…we talked.”
He folded his hands again and brought his eyebrows closer together. His lips curled and his jaw tensed.
“I’m sorry, Eric. I had remembered so many feelings that…I even…kissed him.”
“That’s impossible.” He turned his face away, placed his hands in his jacket pockets, and sighed.
“I needed to tell you this.” I turned my back to him and shook my head in disgrace.
Different Minds Page 29