“That’s impossible,” he repeated and started walking toward me so that when I turned toward him his eyes were reddish and half filled with tears.
“Eric…,” I tried.
“Listen to me,” he interrupted, speaking so close to my face that I was able to feel his breath. “I want nothing for you more than your happiness.”
I remembered how scary he used to be. Chills slid from between the scarf and ran down my back as he spoke.
“But this”—he bit down on his teeth as he said his name—”Robert is taking advantage of your situation.”
“He didn’t…it was me.” I tried to explain but the words came out so wrongly.
“You said to me…that you loved Robert so much, so…so much.” He held my shoulders softly despite how angry he was. Then he whispered, “But you said to me that how much you loved Robert was like a little boat in the ocean of our love. I didn’t tell you all this because you remembering it on your own is way better than my convincing you.”
Among all the uncertainty and confusion, I knew I loved Eric too much. I hated the discussions we were having, I hated when the love we had wasn’t connected peacefully. Tears dropped down his face as he turned and slowly walked away. I was shaken. No wonder why Julie loved him so much; he was beautiful with every word he said. These wonderful things he said would have never come out of me; it was impossible to be Cassandra with Eric because I couldn’t possibly be that deep.
“I re-proposed to you in the least romantic way because after I had proposed to you the first time, you were disappointed because you said that you wanted to be the one asking me for marriage. My second time was the same scenario of your first.”
“That’s horrible.” Now I was disappointed with Julie’s ways of expressing love. Even I as Cassandra was able to find a better way of proposing.
“You said that one of us had to be funny, that we couldn’t both be terribly romantic—it would kill our relationship. I loved it.”
“Oh.” That’s all I was able to say.
“I thought I was helping you remember, and I said it was impossible for you to hate it because it was something that you would do. That you did in fact.”
“I…”—I swallowed—”didn’t remember this particular thing.”
“Julie, I want you to be happy,” he said with sad eyes and falling tears. “I just wish you would give yourself the needful time to remember the feelings you had for me, those that made you leave Robert and be with me.”
He suddenly started walking toward the car; I followed him silently in shame and disgrace. The ride back was extremely quiet; we even forgot to turn on the music. I had so many thoughts going on in my head. I trusted Eric so much, and I believed every word he said, but I was also feeling so much for Robert. Robert represented my only happiness in the past, and it wasn’t even real. When I had one last wish before I died, I wished I had the chance to confront him with how I felt toward him. Eric on the other hand represented a new fresh love that knew no suffering; it knew no worry, no sadness. Eric was too good, but even Julie couldn’t totally leave Robert. I was torn in two; Cassandra loved Robert and Julie loved Eric.
I was hoping that once we reached my house Eric would have a few words to say that would break the mysterious silence haunting us, but he said nothing. He just stared at me silently while I waited in vain.
“See you later, Eric,” I said, but he didn’t respond. I kissed his cheek, accidentally placing the kiss on his jaw as he didn’t move. I had to stretch a little more; I felt like an idiot. I waited a little longer in the car and finally got out, feeling even more stupid than ever. I watched him drive away until he disappeared.
I went inside the house feeling extremely cold and scared. I went back to my room, this time letting Luna in; I desperately needed company. The first thing I did was hold Luna for about ten minutes while crying; she seemed to understand my misery as she placed her paws over my head and made little noises. A few hours later I managed to sleep due to crying exhaustion, although I had trouble breathing. The image of Eric standing before me folding his hands to his chest and looking at me with disappointed eyes just followed me to my dreams. I never felt so guilty before in my life.
I kept waking up during the night recalling everything; the memory kept chasing me. There was only Sunday that I needed to bear. I was sure on Monday he would pick me up as usual to go to classes. I waited all Sunday for his message or call, but my phone never rang. I remembered only at noon that I should have gone to church in the morning where he usually attended mass. At noon I cracked down; I couldn’t bear his silence anymore. I asked Chester if he’d heard from Eric today, but he hadn’t and wondered why I was asking. I shook my head, trying to confuse him, and took Luna for a walk.
“Where does he live? Do you know?” I asked Luna, who was sniffing the grass. “I didn’t know I was going to feel so bad. It’s killing me.”
I walked toward the university looking at the streets. Maybe he was somewhere parking his car or at a shop or the library. He wasn’t anywhere. I knew that I could always call Amy for help, but I preferred to wait first for Monday.
Monday was a real devastation. Eric didn’t show up. This meant that I had to wait till Wednesday to possibly see him again. He wasn’t going to miss out on a whole semester. However, Robert showed up.
“Good morning.” He appeared from behind a bunch of people seated before me on a bench.
“Hi, Robert.” I nodded.
He walked around me as if I was the center of his imaginary circle, scanning with his eyes the far distance around me. “So you’re not afraid of being seen with me anymore, or is Eric sick today?”
“He just didn’t show up.” I stayed seated on the grass.
“You told him.” It didn’t sound like he was asking, rather like he was telling me. I looked into his eyes a little too sad to reply. “You are sad.”
“Eric is a very good person,” I said, and he nodded although his expression didn’t show agreement, only the kind to comfort me.
“It’s the same guy from the restaurant?” He sat next to me, maybe only two steps away. He brought one knee toward his stomach and folded his hands around it.
“Yeah.”
“Do you love him?” he asked.
“I don’t know anymore,” I said honestly. I knew Eric was the best person I’d ever known; I didn’t know Robert like I knew Eric. Although there was an unexplainable passion between Robert and me, I couldn’t possibly be that sad if I didn’t love Eric too. I knew exactly what I loved in Robert; I had already memorized all his details even without knowing him. I loved his nature, I loved his looks, and I loved how sweet he seemed. But now I was feeling as if I knew Eric deeper than any time before and it was confusing me.
“Then you should ask me.” There was definitely a sense of humor in what he said.
“And what are you going to tell me?” I lay back in my deep sadness and confusion.
“I’d tell you that maybe during your stay here you learned to love him a little, but it’s me who you love a lot. Our bond is a rare kind, and if our hearts are not bound together they could never be bound with anyone else’s.” He sounded sincere.
“I can’t…” I looked at the ground. “I don’t want to hurt Eric. I don’t ever want him seeing us together.”
He stood up immediately and glanced at me; he then shifted his beautiful eyes toward the far distance and started walking away without saying a word. Dance class passed while I watched couples dance. Elionora kept giving me blameful looks. It felt like I needed to disappear. Sarah walked me home at the end of the day. She told me that she knew where Eric would be when he disappeared; he always went to play handball with some guys. We went there afterwards but he wasn’t there, and I started feeling really worried at this point.
“Don’t worry, he will show up on Wednesday.” She smiled with her huge front teeth. “He wouldn’t miss out on a whole semester.”
“I hope.” I exhaled, worrie
d.
On Tuesday I struggled through anthropology class. Twice the teacher asked me questions that I didn’t know. One student tried to whisper the answers to me from behind, but even when I heard them I wasn’t in the mood for replying. After class, Robert was watching me from a distance and walked on a parallel line. When finally I was outside the main gate of the university he stopped following me and I lost him. He probably had other classes and didn’t know I was actually going home. Just before heading home I went to the library; I was just curious to see if Eric was there—of course he wasn’t. I planned on asking Chester about where he lived, but I also worried about anyone noticing our fight, especially Amy. It was crazy that he had suddenly disappeared like this. I couldn’t ignore that I was angry with him, but I was angrier with myself.
When I came out of the large building, Robert was waiting at the door.
“So…where do you think we can meet?” he said.
“Right now I don’t think it’s a good idea to meet.” I looked at my shoes. “I’d rather figure out my feelings first.”
“Oh…” His eyes lost the light that was sparking inside them.
“I’ll see you later.” I started walking away quickly. I think he stayed standing there for some time because I didn’t hear any footsteps afterwards.
It was finally Wednesday. I came early and looked around for Eric; for the first hour of the day I thought he wasn’t going to show up, but I was wrong. He was there at dance class. Instead of participating, however, he gave Elionora a paper stating that he was dropping the course. I almost died of anger, but I remained as silent as possible, giving him blameful looks as he walked out of the class. Of course, half the guys in the dance class volunteered to partner with me, but Elionora brought her assistant to partner with me instead; it was Daniel. I looked into his eyes, remembering what he’d said, that mine used to be the same as his—green. I smiled at him.
“Where is Michka?” I asked.
“Oh.” He frowned like he was surprised. “She has another class.”
“All right.” I came close to him and took the dancing position.
Finally when class ended I walked to where the sun was sending its rays. Only a few minutes later I found the perfect spot, and the wind began to pick up. I buttoned the jacket and lay on my back watching the leaves of a tree as a few were carried away by the breeze. How was I going to resolve this confusion if Eric refused to talk to me? A moment later I was alerted by the familiar sound of his voice as he played handball with some guys in the near distance. I came closer to him and instantly realized that it was impossible to talk to him in public; I didn’t know what his reaction was going to be, especially now that he had re-adopted a part of his old character. I sat watching him and pretending to read a book. I waited until he finished his fooling around and spotted him staring at me; he had finished his game. I stood up and walked toward him, but he just walked by me pretending that I didn’t exist. It reminded me of when I used to be Cassandra. I was struck with shock, questioning if this was the same Eric that encircled me with all sorts of love and tenderness just a few weeks ago. I was too stunned to follow him.
I waited over three hours until drawing class, contemplating the emptiness that returned to my body and evacuated all bits of joy that he brought me. Finally, when at class, I sat next to him. No one dared anyway to take my seat as they knew that Eric and I were a couple, and we always sat near each other. He sat there doing his own work, pretending like the love of his life, the most important thing to him, wasn’t right there next to him. It killed me that he abandoned his love for me so suddenly. I hadn’t thought it would be that easy for him.
I tried talking to him but he just glared at me emotionlessly and went back to his masterpiece. I knew I shouldn’t try too much because it wouldn’t sound like Julie. But I just couldn’t give him the space he needed; I needed to go back to the previous status in order to figure out my feelings. From where I was, everything was put on hold until he was back with me like before. I watched him silently; I didn’t try to talk to him any further. At the end of the class he remained in his seat for another fifteen minutes while the class got totally evacuated. I sat there as invisibly as ever, just staring at him like a ghost until he packed his stuff and walked away.
I called him twice afterwards but he didn’t pick up of course. I had no choice but to try something a little different, so I followed him at the end of the day as he walked toward his car.
“You have to talk to me; I really need to hear your voice,” I said sadly. “Eric, I’m very miserable.”
“What I’m doing is for your own good. I just want you to be happy,” he said while staring at the ring of our engagement still on my hand. He turned his face away and said nothing more, even when I kept talking. He looked like he didn’t listen.
Weeks passed and Eric didn’t say a word to me. He was too concentrated on his drawing. He wasn’t so aggressive when he was around people anymore; in fact he looked kind of peaceful. The first few weeks I kept trying to get a word out of him; I failed. The last few weeks I didn’t talk to him anymore. I watched him with a frustrated look as he continued to ignore me. I had no more patience, my sadness had turned into a depression—also jealousy. It became too obvious that Eric and I weren’t together anymore, even when I kept the ring on. Girls started surrounding Eric like the birds of Notre Dame in Paris surround a piece of bread on the ground. They dared come closer to him, especially now that he wasn’t so furious anymore. He looked mature and stable; any girl would have admired that, especially on a very handsome face. I became his silent shadow. I sat at a distance from him watching him as the girls tapped on his shoulders and giggled, commented on everything he was doing or not doing. It made me sick and furious.
I wasn’t spending any time with Chester and Donna anymore. I said I had too many studies and went to my room almost every afternoon. I think they knew everything anyways, but I was too depressed to talk about it. Chester looked sad for Eric. Donna looked sad for me. On Saturdays and Sundays I went out with Sarah and Elionora; and on a particular Saturday, Robert insisted on taking me out for a hiking trip. It was only the two of us. I was too frustrated to accept his offer; I was even more frustrated to negotiate a decline.
“So, too many guys roaming around you, just not me…” He climbed the cliff and offered me his hand.
“What guys?” I took his hand as he pulled me up toward him.
“You’re not seeing!”
“Umm…” I shook my head and looked away.
“Is it perhaps you’re only seeing him?” He stared into my eyes through his gorgeous eyelashes, now less appealing than any time before though.
“What are you saying?” I took the lead in walking as he followed.
“Am I mistaken?” He ran before me, following every direction I turned my face to. “Am I mistaken?”
“Robert!” I kind of alarmed him. I shook my head and resumed a faster walking.
“You know, if I would’ve done what he is doing now, you would now be feeling this way toward me.” He pushed me up while I tried to climb a small edge.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m telling you he knows what he is doing.” He stood looking up at me, breathing heavily. “Eric is very experienced. He knows how to make you jealous…regretful.”
“Eric is not like that.” I shook my head.
“If you love him then why is he doing this?” he asked suspiciously.
“I don’t think he believes that I love him.”
“No, that’s not it.” He laughed.
“What?” Robert’s smile actually worried me. It signaled that there was something I wasn’t aware of. Was Eric actually dating someone else? When I just thought of that it felt as if a pot of hot water fell over my shoulders and my blood started boiling. “What is it?”
“I can’t believe I’m saying that.” His laugh resigned into a mocking smile as my facial expression turned fearful.
“Yo
u really love him don’t you?” It seemed as if his question was a condition to answering mine.
I sighed and my eyes filled with tears. I nodded. “I love him…I never told him that before.”
He nodded sadly. “I’ll make sure you get the chance to tell him so.”
“What?”
“Isn’t that what it means to truly love? To love someone more than you love yourself?” He stared at me with a sad face, then a powerful expression came unexpectedly over his face and smothered the sadness. “Never mind, listen. Eric’s feeling safe. Many guys are around you, but you are not giving them attention. You need to pick one, a particular one that would bring jealousy and fear into Eric’s heart. Someone like me… You’ve got to talk to me, laugh at my jokes, and stop looking in his direction. What happened to you? I never thought a day would come where I was going to tell you about all that.”
“I lost my memory…remember?”
“Yeah.” He closed his eyes regretfully. “I’m sorry.”
“No…thank you, Robert!”
I waited impatiently for Monday to come. I wasn’t sure if Robert’s plan to make Eric jealous was about to bring Eric closer to me or further away. I was too devastated and tired; I was ready to do just about anything to test if he still had interest in me. Robert’s plan somehow brought back a sort of energy I didn’t know I still possessed. His help somehow made me appreciate him more; sometimes I wished I wasn’t in love with Eric; I was in fact also in love with Robert’s kindness. It was confusing how much I loved them both, but I was pretty sure that what I felt for Eric was stronger and more mature. I not only loved him, but I had developed a sort of need for him to exist regularly in my life. My mind needed his voice; I needed him to calm my nervousness, to make me safe again. I felt like a lost sheep in the forest of beasts, and where he was, was my home.
Sunday night I made a bubble bath and closed my eyes for about an hour. There the Italian song lingered once again in my mind, and I started remembering as Robert sang to me. Who would’ve thought Robert would exist once again in my life. He was too good a person. His sacrifice of his feelings for my own happiness equaled Eric’s reaction of ignoring me thinking that my happiness was with Robert. How was this possible? Couldn’t one of them be a bad guy? It was crazy; I had two voices speaking loudly in my mind bringing up the best characteristics of each of them. I dragged myself toward my bedroom window and opened it to get some fresh air. It was about time to test Robert’s theory.
Different Minds Page 30