Future Wars . . . and Other Punchlines

by Hank Davis

  The Fivers were late.

  Perhaps they had misunderstood.

  Or this might be another of their tricks.

  Or maybe they never had intended to stick to their agreement.

  “Captain,” asked General Lyman Flood, “what time have we got now?”

  Captain Gist looked up from the chessboard. “Thirty-seven oh eight, galactic, sir.”

  Then he went back to the board again. Sergeant Conrad had pinned his knight and he didn’t like it.

  “Thirteen hours late!” the general fumed.

  “They may not have got it straight, sir.”

  “We spelled it out to them. We took them by the hand and we went over it time and time again so they’d have it clear in mind. They couldn’t possibly misunderstand.”

  But they very possibly could, he knew.

  The Fivers misunderstood almost everything. They had been confused about the armistice—as if they’d never heard of an armistice before. They had been obtuse about the prisoner exchange. Even the matter of setting a simple time had involved excruciating explanation—as if they had never heard of the measurement of time and were completely innocent of basic mathematics.

  “Or maybe they broke down,” the captain offered.

  The general snorted. “They don’t break down. Those ships of theirs are marvels. They’d live through anything. They whipped us, didn’t they?”

  “Yes, sir,” said the captain.

  “How many of them, Captain, do you estimate we destroyed?”

  “Not more than a dozen, sir.”

  “They’re tough,” the general said.

  He went back across the tent and sat down in a chair.

  The captain had been wrong. The right number was eleven. And of those, only one had been confirmed destroyed. The others had been no better than put out of action.

  And the way it figured out, the margin had been more than ten to one in favor of the Fivers. Earth, the general admitted to himself, had never taken such a beating. Whole squadrons had been wiped out; others had come fleeing back to base with their numbers cut in half.

  They came fleeing back to base and there were no cripples. They had returned without a scratch upon them. And the ships that had been lost had not been visibly destroyed—they had simply been wiped out, leaving not a molecule of wreckage.

  How do you beat a thing like that? he asked himself. How do you fight a weapon that cancels out a ship in its entirety?

  Back on Earth and on hundreds of other planets in the Galactic Confederacy, thousands of researchers were working day and night in a crash-priority program to find an answer to the weapon—or at least to find the weapon.

  But the chance of success ran thin, the general knew, for there was not a single clue to the nature of it. Which was understandable, since every victim of the weapon had been lost irretrievably.

  Perhaps some of the human prisoners would be able to provide a clue. If there had been no such hope, he knew, Earth never would have gone to all the trouble to make this prisoner exchange.

  He watched the captain and the sergeant hunched above the chessboard, with the captive Fiver looking on.

  He called the captive over.

  The captive came, like a trundling roly-poly.

  And once again, watching him, the general had that strange, disturbing sense of outrage.

  For the Fiver was a droll grotesque that held no hint of the martial spirit. He was round and jolly in every feature, expression, and gesture, dressed in a ribald clash of colors, as though designed and clad deliberately to offend any military man.

  “Your friends are late,” the general told him.

  “You wait,” the Fiver said and his words were more like whistling than talk. One had to listen closely to make out what he said.

  The general held himself in check.

  No use in arguing.

  No point blowing up.

  He wondered if he—or the human race—would ever understand the Fivers.

  Not that anyone really wanted to, of course. Just to get them combed out of Earth’s hair would be enough.

  “You wait,” the Fiver whistled. “They come in middle time from now.”

  And when in hell, the general wondered, would be a middle time from now?

  The Fiver glided back to watch the game.

  The general walked outside.

  The tiny planet looked colder and more desolate and forbidding than it ever had before. Each time he looked at it, the general thought, the scene was more depressing than he had remembered it.

  Lifeless, worthless, of no strategic or economic value, it had qualified quite admirably as neutral territory to carry out the prisoner exchange. Neutral mostly because it wasn’t worth the trouble for anyone to grab it.

  The distant star that was its sun was a dim glow in the sky. The black and naked rock crept out to a near horizon. The icy air was like a knife inside the general’s nostrils.

  There were no hills or valleys. There was absolutely nothing—just the smooth flatness of the rock stretching on all sides, for all the world like a great spacefield.

  It had been the Fivers, the general remembered, who had suggested this particular planet and that in itself was enough to make it suspect. But Earth, at that point in the negotiations, had been in no position to do much haggling.

  He stood with his shoulders hunched and he felt the cold breath of apprehension blowing down his neck. With each passing hour, it seemed, the place felt more and more like some gigantic trap.

  But he must be wrong, he argued. There was absolutely nothing in the Fivers’ attitude to make him feel like that. They had, in fact, been almost magnanimous. They could have laid down their terms—almost any terms—and the Confederacy would have had no choice but to acquiesce. For Earth must buy time, no matter what the price. Earth had to be ready next time—five years or ten or whatever it might be.

  But the Fivers had made no demands, which was unthinkable.

  Except, the general told himself, one could never know what they might be thinking or what they might be planning.

  The exchange camp huddled in the dimness—a few tents, a portable power plant, the poised and waiting ship and, beside it, the little scouter the captive Fiver had been piloting.

  The scouter in itself was a good example of the gulf which separated the Fivers and the humans. It had taken three full days of bickering before the Fivers had been able to make clear their point that the scouter as well as its pilot must be returned to them.

  No ship in all the Galaxy had ever gotten so thorough a study as that tiny craft. But the facts that it had yielded had been few indeed. And the captive Fiver, despite the best efforts of the experts in Psych, had furnished even fewer.

  The area was quiet and almost deserted. Two sentries strode briskly up and down. Everyone else was under cover, killing time, waiting for the Fivers.

  The general walked quickly across the area to the medic tent. He stooped and went inside.

  Four men were sitting at a table, drearily playing cards. One of them put down his hand and rose.

  “Any word, General?”

  The general shook his head. “They should be coming soon, Doc. Everything all set?”

  “We’ve been ready for some time,” said the psychiatrist. “We’ll bring the boys in here and check them over as soon as they arrive. We’ve got the stuff all set. It won’t take us long.”

  “That’s fine. I want to get off this rock as quickly as I can. I don’t like the feel of it.”

  “There’s just one thing . . .”

  “What’s that?”

  “If we only knew how many they are handing back?”

  The general shook his head. “We never could find out. They’re not so hot on figures. And you’d think, wouldn’t you, that math would be universal?”

  “Well,” said Doc resignedly, “we’ll do the best we can.”

  “There can’t be many,” the general said. “We’re only giving back one Fiver and
one ship. How many humans do you figure a ship is worth to them?”

  “I wouldn’t know. You really think they’ll come?”

  “It’s hard to be certain that they understood. When it comes to sheer stupidity—”

  “Not so stupid,” Doc replied, quietly. “We couldn’t learn their language, so they learned ours.”

  “I know,” the general said impatiently. “I realize all that. But that armistice business—it took days for them to get what we were driving at. And the time-reckoning system still more days. Good Lord, man, you could do better using sign language with a Stone Age savage!”

  “You should,” said Doc. “The savage would be human.”

  “But these Fivers are intelligent. Their technology, in many ways, has us beaten seven ways from Sunday. They fought us to a standstill.”

  “They licked us.”

  “All right, then, they licked us. And why not? They had this weapon that we didn’t have. They were closer to their bases. They had no logistics problem to compare with ours. They licked us, but I ask you, did they have the sense to know it? Did they take advantage of it? They could have wiped us out. They could have laid down peace terms that would have crippled us for centuries. Instead, they let us go. Now how does that make sense?”

  “You’re dealing with an alien race,” said Doc.

  “We’ve dealt with other aliens. And we always understood them. Mostly, we got along with them.”

  “We dealt with them on a commercial basis,” Doc reminded him. “Whatever trouble we might have had with them came after a basic minimum of understanding had been achieved. The Fivers are the first that ever came out shooting.”

  “I can’t figure it,” the general said. “We weren’t even heading for them. We might have passed them by. They couldn’t have known who we were. Point is, they didn’t care. They just came piling out and opened up on us. And it’s been the same with everyone else who came within their reach. They take on every comer. There’s never a time when they aren’t fighting someone—sometimes two or three at once.”

  “They have a defensive complex,” said Doc. “Want to be left alone. All they aim to do is keep others off their planets. As you say, they could have wiped us out.”

  “Maybe they get hurt real easy. Don’t forget we gave them a bloody nose or two—not as much as they busted us, but we hurt them some. I figure they’ll come out again, soon as they can cut in.”

  He drew a deep breath. “Next time, we have to be ready for them. Next time, they may not stop. We have to dope them out.”

  It was tough work, he thought, to fight an enemy about which one knew next to nothing. And a weapon about which one knew absolutely nothing.

  There were theories in plenty, but the best no more than educated guesses.

  The weapon might operate in time—hurling its targets back into unimagined chaos. Or it might be dimensional. Or it might collapse the atoms in upon themselves, reducing a spaceship to the most deadly massive dust-mote the Universe had known.

  One thing for certain—it was not disintegration, for there was no flash and there was no heat. The ship just disappeared and that was the end of it—the end and all of it.

  “There’s another thing that bothers me,” said Doc. “Those other races that fought the Fivers before they jumped on us. When we tried to contact them, when we tried to get some help from them, they wouldn’t bother with us. They wouldn’t tell us anything.”

  “This is a new sector of space for us,” the general said. “We are strangers here.”

  “It stands to reason,” argued Doc, “they should jump at the chance to gang up on the Fivers.”

  “We can’t depend on alliances. We stand alone. It is up to us.”

  He bent to leave the tent.

  “We’ll get right on it,” said Doc, “soon as the men show up. We’ll have a preliminary report within an hour, if they’re in any shape at all.”

  “That’s fine,” the general said and ducked out of the tent.

  It was a bad situation, blind and terrifying if one didn’t manage to keep a good grip on himself.

  The captive humans might bring back some information, but even so, you couldn’t buy it blind, for there might be a gimmick in it—as there was a gimmick in what the captive Fiver knew.

  This time, he told himself, the Psych boys might have managed to outsmart themselves.

  It had been a clever trick, all right—taking the captive Fiver on that trip and showing him so proudly all the barren, no-good planets, pretending they were the showplaces of the Confederacy.

  Clever—if the Fiver had been human. For no human would have fought a skirmish, let alone a war, for the kind of planets he’d been shown.

  But the Fiver wasn’t human. And there was no way of knowing what kind of planet a Fiver might take a fancy to.

  And there always was the chance that those crummy planets had given him the hunch that Earth would be easy prey.

  The whole situation didn’t track, the general thought. There was a basic wrongness to it. Even allowing for all the differences which might exist between the Fiver and the human cultures, the wrongness still persisted.

  And there was something wrong right here.

  He heard the sound and wheeled to stare into the sky.

  The ship was close and coming in too fast.

  But even as he held his breath, it slowed and steadied and came to ground in a perfect landing not more than a quarter of a mile from where the Earth ship stood.

  The general broke into a run toward it, then remembered and slowed to a stiff military walk.

  Men were tumbling out of tents and forming into lines. An order rang across the area and the lines moved with perfect drill precision.

  The general allowed himself a smile. Those boys of his were good. You never caught them napping. If the Fivers had expected to sneak in and catch the camp confused and thus gain a bit of face, it was a horse on them.

  The marching men swung briskly down the field. An ambulance moved out from beneath its tarp and followed. The drums began to roll and the bugles sounded clear and crisp in the harsh, cold air.

  It was men like these, the general told himself with pride, who held the expanding Confederacy intact. It was men like these who kept the peace across many cubic light-years. It was men like these who someday, God willing, would roll back the Fiver threat.

  There were few wars now. Space was too big for it. There were too many ways to skirt around the edge of war for it to come but seldom. But something like the Fiver threat could not be ignored. Someday, soon or late, either Earth or Fiver must go down to complete defeat. The Confederacy could never feel secure with the Fivers on its flank.

  Feet pounded behind him and the general turned. It was Captain Gist, buttoning his tunic as he ran. He fell in beside the general.

  “So they finally came, sir.”

  “Fourteen hours late,” the general said. “Let us, for the moment, try to look our best. You missed a button, Captain.”

  “Sorry, sir,” the captain said, fastening the button.

  “Right, then. Get those shoulders back. Smartly, if you will. Right, left, hup, hup!”

  Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that Sergeant Conrad had his squad moving out with precision, escorting the captive Fiver most correctly forward, with all the dignity and smartness that anyone might wish.

  The men were drawn up now in two parallel lines, flanking the ship. The port was swinging open and the ramp was rumbling out and the general noted with some satisfaction that he and Captain Gist would arrive at the foot of the ramp about the time it touched the ground. The timing was dramatic and superb, almost as if he himself had planned it down to the last detail.

  The ramp snapped into position and three Fivers came sedately waddling down it.

  A seedy-looking trio, the general thought. Not a proper uniform nor a medal among the lot of them.

  The general seized the diplomatic initiative as soon as they reached the grou
nd.

  “We welcome you,” he told them, speaking loudly and slowly and as distinctly as he could so they would understand.

  They lined up and stood looking at him and he felt a bit uncomfortable because there was that round jolly expression in their faces. Evidently they didn’t have the kind of faces that could assume any other expression. But they kept on looking at him.

  The general plunged ahead. “It is a matter of great gratification to Earth to carry out in good faith our obligations as agreed upon in the armistice proceedings. It marks what we sincerely hope will be the beginning of an era . . .”

  “Most nice,” one of the Fivers said. Whether he meant the general’s little speech or the entire situation or was simply trying to be gracious was not at once apparent.

  Undaunted, the general was ready to go on, but the spokesman Fiver raised a short round arm to halt him.

  “Prisoners arrive briefly,” he whistled.

  “You mean you didn’t bring them?”

  “They come again,” the Fiver said with a glorious disregard for preciseness of expression. He continued beaming at the general and he made a motion with the arm that might have been a shrug.

  “Shenanigans,” the captain said, close to the general’s ear.

  “We talk,” the Fiver said.

  “They’re up to something,” warned the captain. “It calls for Situation Red, sir.”

  “I agree,” the general told the captain. “Set it up quietly.” He said to the Fiver delegation: “If you gentlemen will come with me, I can offer you refreshments.”