The Missing

by Melanie Florence

  He opened the refrigerator and handed me a Diet Coke.

  “Do you want anything else?” he asked. He rubbed his hand through his hair, a sure sign he was nervous.

  “No. Just . . .” I trailed off, not meeting his eyes.

  He sighed. “I know. I was an ass the other day. I was surprised and was trying to be funny and it didn’t work.”

  “No. It didn’t,” I told him, softening a little.

  “I’m sorry. I am. Matt and Dre are my friends.”

  “I know.” I let him take my hand.

  “So you forgive me?” He kissed my fingers. I was melting. I couldn’t help it.

  “I don’t know.” He kissed me. Softly. First on the lips. Then on the cheek. And on my neck, nibbling my collarbone. God, he was killing me. I desperately tried to hang onto my outrage.

  “Are you sure you don’t want anything else?” he asked, nuzzling into my throat, his hand moving up my rib cage. I shivered. Ah, hell. I could be mad later. I decided to go with it.

  “Well, I’d like to see your room,” I told him, boldly. We weren’t allowed to hang out in his room usually. He blushed, the pink rising from his cheeks and turning the tips of his ears red. He was adorable. I took his hand and led him to his bedroom.

  “Should we leave the door open?” he asked. I looked at him, surprised. Then I saw him smile mischievously. I slapped his arm. He grabbed my hand and pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around me. “Kinda weird being alone for once,” he said, kissing my neck.

  “Mm-hmm . . .” He was making it difficult to concentrate on anything other than what he was doing. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him, hard, as his hand moved to my waist and under my shirt. “What time will your parents be home?” “Not until six,” he murmured. He pulled away from me and looked into my eyes. “Feather . . . we don’t have to . . .” He blushed again.

  “I know!” I was suddenly blushing too. “But I want to. I don’t want to wait anymore.” I looked down at my hands. “I feel like life is so short. What if something happened to you? Or to me? I don’t want to regret anything. I don’t want to miss out on anything.”

  “I know.” He kissed me again. He buried his fingers in my hair, wrapping it around his hands then pulling — violently. I gasped in surprise at the sudden pain as my neck was exposed. I felt a jolt of fear.

  “Jake . . . ?” My voice wavered. He held my hair tightly, then leaned down and bit my neck. “Ouch!” I tried to push him away but he pinned my hands together and bit harder. “Stop, Jake!” The bite turned into a kiss. As if he had meant it to be a kiss all along. He pulled me back onto the bed. Breathing harder. Whispering my name. Telling me that he loved me.

  I tried to shake off a feeling that was too close to fear and focus on being in the moment. I struggled to picture myself as a sexy, alluring woman instead of the nervous girl who was feeling uneasy around her boyfriend. I was failing miserably until he kissed his way down my neck, across my collarbone and down the middle of my chest. When he reached the curve of my stomach, I was completely lost in him.

  * * *

  I pulled on my clothes afterwards, suddenly shy. I was sore in places I barely knew existed. Jake reached out and rubbed my back.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  I nodded, not meeting his eyes. I wasn’t sure what to feel. If I was being honest, I hadn’t enjoyed it. The truth was it hadn’t been what I expected. Jake’s behaviour hadn’t been what I expected. He hadn’t hurt me exactly. And I had been more than willing. But it wasn’t gentle and loving like I had expected. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something not quite right. Maybe it was because I was still upset with him. That must be it, I told myself.

  “So stay,” he pulled at my hand. I jerked it away.

  “I . . . um . . . I should get out of here before your parents get home. And . . . uh . . . I should get home and help Kiowa with dinner.” I couldn’t meet his eyes. His parents really would be home any minute, so it was easy to get out the door quickly after I called Mia to come and get me. He left me at the door with a far gentler kiss than any he had given me in his bed. I shook my head as I got into the car and closed the door behind me. I could still feel his hands roughly pulling my head backwards. I closed my eyes, willing myself to focus on the sweet kiss he had given me at the door. That was my Jake.

  “Ahem.” Mia cleared her throat dramatically . “So . . . how was it?” She had waited until she turned off Jake’s street to start interrogating me. Frankly, I couldn’t believe she had held out as long as she did.

  “I don’t know,” I answered. “It was . . . okay.”

  “Just okay?” she asked.

  “I mean . . . oh my God, this is so embarrassing!”

  “Oh please. I told you everything last summer when I slept with that guy at art camp,” she reminded me.

  “More than I needed to know, quite frankly,” I told her.

  “Yeah, yeah. So? Tell me!”

  “Okay. Well, it wasn’t what I imagined. I thought it would be more like Twilight. It kinda hurt actually. And I think it was more fun for him than it was for me,” I confessed, purposely avoiding telling her how rough he had been with me. I didn’t know what to think and I couldn’t handle her questions right now.

  “Well, obviously.” She snickered. “It’ll take awhile for you to really enjoy it.”

  “Wait, how do you know that?” As far as I knew, the art camp guy was the only boy she had slept with. I thought about those secretive texts she had been getting. “Something you’re not telling me?” I asked her mildly. Her secrecy was starting to wear thin, but I couldn’t force anything out of her.

  “No. But I do read, Feather. And talk to people,” she replied. “And I watch HBO.”

  “It’s not like the movies,” I admitted. She nodded knowingly. “I’m definitely glad we waited until we were ready. And I’m glad my first time was with someone I love. I don’t know. I guess that sounds stupid.”

  “No it doesn’t,” she said. “To be honest, I wish I had waited. Tom was nice and all but I didn’t really care about him. I wish it had been with someone I did care about. You’re lucky, Feather.”

  “I guess.” I shrugged. “But Mia? I feel like you and I haven’t really talked lately.”

  “What do you mean?” she asked. “We’re talking right now.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “No, I mean . . . we haven’t really caught up lately. You obviously know what’s new with me. But what have you been up to?” It was the perfect opening for her to tell me what she’d been hiding. She didn’t take it.

  “Nothing. You know me. School, home, nothing exciting.”

  I sighed. “Have you talked to your mom yet?”

  “I haven’t even seen her for more than five minutes at a time. Just as she passes through the house on her way out,” she said.

  “Mia, you have to talk to her.”

  “I know, Feather! I will! Let me tell her in my own time, okay? This isn’t easy for me. My mom isn’t like yours.” She rubbed angrily at her eyes. She always hated to cry and I knew I had pushed her as far as she’d let me.

  “I’m sorry. But if you need anything or if I can help . . .” I trailed off as she pulled into my driveway. “Do you want to stay for dinner?” I saw her glance at Kiowa’s car.

  “Nah. I don’t want to intrude. Lots of homework and stuff,” she said. It felt as if she was blowing me off.

  “Yeah. Me too.” We had never been awkward with each other before and I had no idea how to fix it. “I’m here for you, you know. You can talk to me if something is going on.”

  “Nothing is going on!” She was completely exasperated now. She looked at me and her expression softened. “I’m just busy.”

  I nodded, not believing her for a second.

  Chapter 13

&nbs
p; Safety in Numbers

  I woke up the next morning to a deluge of rain slamming against my bedroom window. I love the sound of rain but I had always hated driving in it, so I was debating whether to be happy about the rain or curse it.

  I stretched, feeling a bite of pain in my lower body. Smiling, I sat up and threw my legs over the side of the bed. I ached all over, as if I had worked out. I guess I had, in a way. I wondered idly if anyone would be able to tell. Did I look any different now? I definitely felt different. I stretched once more and got out of bed. I guess I’d find out soon enough. I could hear my mom rattling around in the kitchen. I looked into the mirror and gasped, the smile sliding off my face. There was a purple, almost black, bruise colouring the base of my neck where Jake had bitten me. If I had been fooling myself that this was a love bite, the fact that I could see where his teeth broke the skin would have quickly cured me of that illusion. It looked like a dog had attacked me. Luckily, my shirt covered it, but as I stared at the spot where his teeth had torn into my skin, I shivered. What kind of person would do that? Who gets off on hurting his partner like that? I pushed a sudden thought of Carli out of my head. I pulled the collar of my shirt up and headed into the kitchen.

  “Hey, honey. Do you want eggs?” My mom kissed me on the cheek and handed me a glass of orange juice. I sipped from it, looking at her from under my eyelashes.

  “No. I’ll just make some toast. Thanks.” I reached for the bread and slid two slices into the toaster. My mom handed me the peanut butter. “Thanks, Mom.” She hugged me and grabbed her purse off the kitchen table.

  “Okay, I’m going to be late if I don’t get out of here right now. Your brother is still sleeping.”

  “No I’m not.” Kiowa walked into the kitchen, yawning widely.

  “Okay then, he’s not. Have a good day, you two.”

  She was gone before I could reply and I called out “You too!” to an empty doorway. I shrugged.

  “Smooth.” Kiowa poured himself a cup of coffee. He squinted at me. “Did you change your hair or something?” Oh God. My brother’s the one who notices something’s different about me?

  “Ummm . . . no?” He studied me again. “New T-shirt,” I told him. He nodded at me and poured cream into his coffee mug. “When are you going back to school?” I asked. “Isn’t the next term starting??”

  “Nope.” he asked me, sticking his head into the refrigerator and coming back out with a package of corned beef. Damn. I had been so distracted lately that I’d been ignoring my brother after not seeing him for weeks.

  “Right. Sorry. It’s just been a crazy week,” I told him.

  “Yeah, I know. It’s okay. I get it.” He opened the package of meat and began pulling it out with a fork and piling it on a piece of bread.

  “Is that all you’re having?” I asked him.

  “No, dork. I’m making a Reuben,” he said, pulling a jar of sauerkraut towards him. I wrinkled my nose and took a bite of toast.

  “It’s 8:30 in the morning!”

  He smiled at me and shrugged. “I was up all night studying.” He slathered another piece of bread with Russian dressing. “Aren’t you going to be late picking up Mia?” he asked, nodding at the clock.

  “Damn it! Yeah.” I grabbed my keys off the counter and slung my backpack over my shoulder. “Get some sleep,” I told him. He nodded and waved bye to me with his fork.

  I drove to Mia’s with the windshield wipers going full blast. I turned onto her street and pulled into her driveway, honking as I shifted into park. No way was I going out into this monsoon unless I absolutely had to. I saw the door open and Mia come flying down the stairs, the hood of her raincoat shielding her face. She pulled open the car door and threw herself into the passenger seat.

  “Holy shit!” she said, pushing her hood away from her face. “I think it might be time to build a freakin’ ark.”

  “Language,” I laughed.

  “Sorry. But seriously. This is insane. I keep expecting the wicked witch to fly past on a bicycle.”

  “That was a tornado, not a rainstorm,” I told her. She looked thoughtful for a second.

  “Shit. You’re right.”

  “Since when do you swear like a sailor?” I asked.

  “Since I started watching cable.” She laughed. “So I talked to Matt last night. He’s coming back to school today.”

  “Really? That’s great. Is Dre back today too?” I asked.

  “He didn’t say. Listen, Feather, I really want to be supportive.” She paused and then blurted out the rest. “Is Jake going to be a dick with Matt?”

  “No! We talked about it. He said he was just making a joke because he was uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say.”

  “I hope you’re right. You’re cool with supporting Matt?” she asked.

  “I’m in. I like Matt and what happened to him sucked,” I told her, turning into the school parking lot. I was happy to change the subject. “You ready?” I asked, putting my hood up and holding the door handle.

  “Let’s do it,” she screamed. We threw ourselves out of the car at the same time and ran into the school, laughing as the rain pelted us furiously.

  “That was insane!” I giggled.

  “Remember when we used to dance in the rain when we were kids?” Mia asked, unzipping her jacket.

  “Of course.” I smiled and then spotted Matt at the other end of the hallway. I elbowed Mia. “There’s Matt.” She looked down the hall and frowned. Matt was walking towards us with his head down and his shoulders slumped. Kids were whispering and pointing, and we could hear the snorts of laughter from here. “Fag,” someone stage whispered to a round of snickers.

  “Ah hell,” Mia groaned. “Come on.” She grabbed my hand and pulled me down the hallway. “Matt!” she called out. “Hey, Matt!”

  He looked up cautiously and relief washed over his face when he spotted us waving and smiling at him like a couple of lunatics. His pace picked up until he was standing in front of us. I leaned in and gave him a big hug. I felt him let out a long, shuddering breath as he hugged me back.

  “Hey, Feather,” he said, leaning back and looking down at me. “I was starting to wonder if anyone was going to talk to me.”

  “Well, we will. You’ve got us to walk down the hall with and to sit with at lunch too. Whatever you need, okay?” He nodded, and then turned to hug Mia.

  “Is Dre back today too?” she asked him.

  He shook his head sadly.

  “No. His parents decided they don’t want a gay son. They’re sending him to some kind of anti-gay military school.”

  I looked at him, shocked.

  “That’s awful. Do they really think military school is going to make him straight?”

  He raised his eyebrows at me.

  “Considering it’s an all-boys school, I’m kinda guessing it’ll have the opposite effect. I honestly don’t know what they’re thinking.”

  “How are your parents? Are they cool?” Mia asked.

  “Yeah, they’re actually pretty awesome.” Matt smiled. “I came out to them about a year ago and they told me they love me no matter what.”

  “I didn’t know you came out last year,” I said, grabbing his hand and starting towards our period one English class.

  “Just to my family,” he said. “And they’ve been amazing. They really have. Not like all of my so-called friends.” He gestured around the hallway where people were still whispering about him. Matt was one of the most popular guys at school. At least he was until he got caught in his car with Dre.

  “We’re still your friends and you can hang out with us any time,” Mia told him.

  “Definitely,” I added.

  “Thanks, guys. I mean it. I don’t know if I would have gotten through the morning without a friendly face.”

  Jake sauntered over and kis
sed me on the cheek. I mentally stopped myself from pulling away from him. He rubbed my shoulder before noticing Matt was standing with us.

  “Oh. Hey, Matt.” He shifted awkwardly from foot to foot.

  “Hey, Jake.” Matt smiled cautiously.

  “So . . . uh. Where’s Dre?” Jake pulled at the collar of his T-shirt, visibly beginning to sweat.

  “He transferred to another school.”

  “Oh. For people who want to kill themselves?” Jake asked.

  “Jake!” I smacked his arm.

  “What? I heard he was suicidal,” he said.

  “Will you just stop talking?” I slapped his arm harder.

  “It’s fine, Feather.” Matt smiled weakly. I saw him glance over at a group of kids whispering loudly and laughing as they pointed at Matt. He blushed brightly.

  “Mind your business!” Mia growled at them.

  “Thanks, Mia.” Matt smiled.

  “No problem. I’ll meet you guys after class.” She slipped into the class next to ours.

  Jake stopped awkwardly outside my class.

  “So . . . see you later.” He turned and walked away. I watched him stop to talk to Ben at his locker before heading off. I didn’t know what they were saying but Jake didn’t look happy. He looked like he was confronting Ben about something. By the time he stalked away, Ben looked upset too. I couldn’t help but feel that Ben got lucky in a weird kind of way. Everyone was talking about Matt and Dre. They had forgotten all about blaming Ben for Carli’s death.

  We got through the rest of the day uneventfully. Mia and I bracketed Matt everywhere he went, and Jake met us after every class, looking uncomfortable every time Matt looked his way. I had no idea how he kept getting out of class early enough to meet us, but he was there waiting, without fail after every single bell. Sometimes he was leaning against the wall with Ben beside him, their argument apparently forgotten. Sometimes he was alone. But after every class, there he was. Was he keeping an eye on me?

  Chapter 14

  The First 48 Hours

  Aside from the odd homophobic comment called out by meatheads, people were quickly losing interest. Matt was smiling and holding his head significantly higher than he had that morning. Even Ben had a smile on his face. Circle of life, I thought to myself.