Marks on My Skin (Love & Ink #1)

by J. A. Howell

  “Ya had an abortion?”

  “I was thirteen. She made me get one…It’s a long story.” I averted my eyes. It wasn’t something I was proud of, even if I wasn’t given a choice. “She was never a good mother. My grandmother was the main reason I survived most my childhood, but then she died and the shit hit the fan. I was very developed for my age. My mother would disappear for days, sometimes weeks on end. I didn’t have money for food, for a warm jacket for winter and I didn’t want to get her in trouble. I was afraid of what would happen if she got locked up, so I did what I had to do. With men.”

  “Thirteen?” I saw the horror in Kieran’s gaze and my stomach turned with a terrible lurch. But it was out, and I couldn’t stop the rest.

  “At first, at least. It was for food, necessities, at times even shelter. But a couple years later, I was with a guy. He promised me one hundred bucks. I could feed myself for weeks on that if my mother disappeared for days on end like she usually did. But he didn’t tell me it would be him and his friends. I got upset and started crying. He wanted me to calm down so he had his friends hold me down and shot heroin in my arm. It felt like nothing you could believe. Then, just like that, I didn’t care about what they were doing to me. I didn’t care about anything. I just wanted to feel like that forever.” I closed my eyes in recollection and took a deep breath. “I spent the next three years chasing that high, but it never was the same. And like her, I didn’t care about anything else. Including myself.”

  “Then what happened?” Kieran’s voice struck me and I saw the hint of tears in the corners of his eyes. The look of pure and utter shock.

  “On my eighteenth birthday, my friends threw me a party. There were all kinds of drugs around. It’s amazing I didn’t manage to overdose. I was hoping I would. When I didn’t, I thought I’d finish the job off myself.” I laughed. It wasn’t funny but I laughed. “Nobody gave a shit about me. Not the guys at that party, or the girls. They all blurred together. Sweat and skin and body parts that didn’t care who I was. I stumbled into an apartment building. It was the tallest building I could get into. I don’t know how I managed the stairs. I don’t even remember stumbling up them, just coming out onto the roof and staring down at the blurred lights of the city. I was ready, I was just about to step off the edge, when someone yelled. ‘Don’t!’ they told me. It startled me and I almost fell, but they caught me. We fell down against the roof and I even tried to get back up. To get away from him. Who the hell was this guy to tell me what I could or couldn’t do? Nobody else fucking cared. But he caught me around the waist and I was no match for a guy his size in my fucked up state. He pinned me down, stared me straight in the eyes, and told me I was not allowed to jump. Not then, not ever.”

  “Darren?” Kieran’s voice pulled me out of the memory and I nodded.

  “Yeah. I guess you could say it was the first command he ever gave me. He made me get clean. I still smoke obviously, but even that he controls. I only get it from him, and if I go through it too fast, he won’t give me more. Nowadays, I only need it after seeing my mother.”

  “I can imagine.” He shook his head then chewed at his lip. Questions sprang up behind his eyes. He moved his lips to speak, but instead kissed me. It was a soft, tender kiss, and it slayed me. What am I doing? I barely knew Kieran and I’d bared my soul to him. The air around me thickened, stifling me, and I pulled away.

  “Come on. We should get you back to the shop.”

  Shayne and I didn’t speak during the drive back to the shop. I wanted to say something comforting or reassuring, but how could anything I say make what she’d gone through any better? I was starting to see why Darren and her were so close though. As much as I hated to admit it, I liked the guy a little more now.

  “I wish you wouldn’t look at me like that. I’m not broken.” Shayne’s voice cut into my thoughts. Embarrassed, I looked away.

  “I never thought you were.”

  I started to say something more, but stopped when I spotted Liam standing outside the back of the shop, scowling at us both.

  “The hell happened ta ya two?” He started in on us before we even made it out of the car. “I tried calling the both of ya, but yer phone’s off and she never answered hers.”

  I held my hands up as if approaching an angry bear. It really wasn’t much different, considering my brother’s size. “We got held up—”

  “Ya two could have feckin’ called!” Liam got inches from my face, features hard in anger, but Shayne quickly wedged her way between us in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

  “I had to go see my mother.” She said and Liam’s features immediately relaxed.

  “Oh. Sorry. Is everything okay?”

  “For now. We were already out by The Dirty Rich Hippie, so Kieran tagged along. Took longer than expected, otherwise I would have called.”

  “It’s fine. I was just closing up the shop. Ya ready ta go?” He turned his attention back to me, his gaze still suspicious.

  “Ya. I’ll see ya tomorrow, Shayne?”

  “Not tomorrow, I’m afraid. I’m off.” She gave me a passive smile and turned back to her car, the ghosts from earlier still lingering in her gaze.

  “C’mon, Kier. I’m exhausted.” Liam said after Shayne’s car disappeared down the alley. I nodded and got into his Charger, relaxing against the seat. I was exhausted as well, but for entirely different reasons. I closed my eyes, thinking about Shayne. Despite the horrid details she’d poured out to me, and the anger it lit in me, a warm glow of content still lingered over me. Both from the memory of her body joined with mine and the fact that she’d opened up to me.

  “The feck ya smilin’ about?” Liam grunted, slicing through my thoughts. My eyes flew open and I settled a frown on my face, not even realizing I had been smiling.

  “What?”

  “That look on yer face a second ago.” Liam’s gaze darted to me, his mouth in what seemed to be a permanent scowl.

  “I don’t know what yer talkin’ about.”

  He snorted, not the least bit convinced. “The feck ya don’t. Did something happen?”

  “Yeah, she had some issue with her mum and we had ta drive out ta the treatment center.”

  Liam braked hard at the light and it jerked me forward in my seat. “Ya know what I mean, arsehole. Did something happen with ya and Shayne?”

  “No, of course not.” I answered, hoping I sounded convincing. I still didn’t understand just why he was so worried about something happening between us, but it really didn’t seem like any of his business either way.

  Liam studied me a moment longer then hit the gas. “Good. Just…keep it that way.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The Motorboat

  I stared down at my phone. One hundred fifty-seven messages. Kendall had sent one hundred fifty-seven messages total since I’d been here. Twenty of them just in the last day.

  :You don’t know how sorry I am. I miss you. Please talk to me. XOXO:

  Part of me still wanted to run back to her, to fix our marriage. But everyday spent away from her, that part of me shrunk. Sometimes distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, I supposed. At least not with Kendall. Shayne hadn’t left my mind all night. My thought swayed between the horrors she’d told me, to the unbelievable pleasure that rolled through my body with every single thrust. In the early hours of the morning, it finally hit me what made things so different, why everything felt amplified with Shayne. Of all the times I’d made love to my wife, I’d given her every part of me. But she’d always held back. Shayne hadn’t. Even in the throes of lust and passion she’d shown her vulnerabilities. She’d given more to me in one afternoon than Kendall had given me in six years.

  I looked down at the phone once more, shut it off, and left it on the dresser before walking into the kitchen.

  “Ya comin’ in with me?” Liam asked when he saw me.

  I shook my head. “Thought I’d do some sight-seeing. Maybe take the laptop with and chill at a c
afe or something.”

  Liam sighed and rolled his eyes. “Ya really do that shite?”

  “People watching can be very inspirational.”

  “If ya say so. I’m going ta head out in a few. I have some errands ta run before opening the shop. Did ya want me ta drop ya somewhere?”

  “Coffee shop?” Liam was one of those weird creatures that didn’t believe in caffeine, and therefore didn’t own a coffee maker. I, on the other hand, lived on it. He studied me for a minute, still uncertain. I knew he still had suspicions about last night, but frankly I didn’t care.

  “Fine, ya want me ta drop ya at Starbucks?”

  I shrugged. “Unless ya got a locally-owned one around here. Those have more character. Probably more interestin’ patrons as well.”

  A reluctant grin spread across Liam’s lips. “Yeah, I know a good place.”

  It was somewhat of a relief not to have to work today. Part of me wanted to see Kieran, but after everything that happened yesterday, space from him was probably what I needed. It was a little chilly out, so I slipped on a leather jacket before heading out. I was intent on doing some shopping. Maybe that would get him off my mind.

  The Pump & Grind was a few blocks away. It was the coffee shop I frequented whenever I needed an extra kick of caffeine in the morning. After last night I definitely needed it. I can’t believe I told him about that, I scolded myself. Why had I done that? I still didn’t know the answer to that.

  The door jingled as I walked into the coffee shop and Elle, one of the baristas, grinned at me from behind the counter. I smiled back and got in line behind the few people ahead of me when my phone buzzed in my pocket.

  :Everything okay? Never heard from you yesterday.:

  I bit my lip, reading Darren’s message. After what happened with Kieran I’d gone home and collapsed on my bed, but couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t even thought to call Darren and let him know I was okay.

  :I’m fine. Just made it an early night.:

  The line moved up and my phone buzzed again.

  :What really happened? Kieran?:

  I clenched my teeth in agitation. How did he do that? He couldn’t even see my face, yet he knew I was lying.

  I responded with a simple, “yeah” and got a smiley face in return. I didn’t care what Darren thought. Kieran and I were not a good idea. He had his situation…and I had mine.

  Elle grinned at me when I reached the counter and handed me a steaming cup of coffee with little hearts in the foam. “A Twelve Inch Throbbing Hip Thruster for the lady?” She said, with the same subtle hip thrust she always did when she served me one.

  Okay, so I came here a lot.

  “Thanks, Elle.” I handed her cash, took a sip of my coffee, and nearly collided with Kieran as I turned around. Stunned, I blinked up at him stupidly. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  He studied me, amusement playing across his lips. “Getting coffee. What about ya?”

  “Same.” I held up my cup. He smiled and adjusted the beanie on his head. I noted, with my own amusement that he was also carrying a laptop bag.

  “A Twelve Inch Throbbing Hip Thruster?” His eyebrow ticked up.

  I blushed despite myself. “That’s their sizes. Small is A Chubby, Medium is a Stiffy, and Large is—”

  “A Twelve Inch Throbber?”

  “Yep.”

  He chuckled under his breath and shook his head. It was a rather sexy look. I turned my attention back to my cup of coffee. Nope, not doing this again. Yesterday was a mistake.

  “So what are you going to get?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Kieran glanced at the menu, and his face screwed up as he read over the various specialty lattes.

  “The Karma Sutra? The Ball Buster? I don’t think I want that one. What’s in The Motorboat?”

  I smirked. “I don’t think you want that.”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s got at least eight shots of espresso in it.”

  Kieran let out a snort and stepped up to the counter where Elle was waiting. Her long dark hair was twisted up in a loose ponytail. She watched Kieran with interest and rubbed the large turquoise amulet hanging around her neck from a leather cord.

  “What’ll it be, big guy?” She grinned at him.

  He looked back at me and I shook my head. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  Kieran’s mouth quirked up on one side and he turned his attention to Elle. “I’ll have a Stiffy Motorboat.”

  Elle cocked an eyebrow, glanced at me then back to Kieran with a slick grin. “It only comes in one size, darling. A big black…cup.”

  Kieran blinked at her and gave a furtive glance in my direction.

  “That’s fine. I’ll have The Motorboat.” He nodded. Elle’s face lit up.

  “He’s serious?”

  “As a heart attack.” Kieran pulled himself up straight, looking at both of us in disapproval.

  “Well, you might have one after drinking it. I hope you read the warning beneath it.” I said.

  He glanced up at the menu and I watched his eyes scan over the warning. It read as follows:

  All patrons who insist on ordering The Motorboat: BEWARE! This drink contains enough caffeine to explode your testicles and/or ovaries. If it feels like your blood has grown legs and is running through your veins, CALL A DOCTOR. You’re about to die. We, The Pump and Grind staff, take no responsibility in the case of death. You have been warned. (This is NOT a joke.)

  Kieran’s eyes widened, then he shrugged it off. “I’ll be fine.”

  Elle smirked and busied herself making his coffee. She came back to the counter a couple minutes later carrying a big black cup, filled to the brim with a light brown crema at the top. I watched Kieran’s face but if he was intimidated by the ominous cup he hid it well. Cautiously, he handed his card to Elle then brought the cup to his lips, taking a preemptive sniff and blowing on it to let it cool.

  “Go on. Take a sip.” I teased. Both Elle and I and a few other employees were watching him. Waiting.

  Kieran narrowed his eyes at me and brought the cup to his lips. “Why do they call it The Motorboat anyway?”

  “Because it’s so strong it makes your lips do the motorboat thing when you drink it.” I couldn’t fight the grin pulling at my lips as he took a long sip.

  “Sssssppppffffffff! Whoa!” He blinked, stared down at the coffee in disbelief, and smacked his lips a couple times.

  Someone snorted from back in the kitchen and I unsuccessfully stifled a giggle. “See?”

  He shrugged, cheeks reddening. “It’s not bad.”

  “Mmm hmm.” I hid my grin, tilting my coffee cup to my lips. Kieran had a mustache of crema on his upper lip and before I could stop myself I ran a finger across it. His eyes shimmered and he flicked his tongue out to get the rest. It grazed my fingertip and I pulled my hand away as blood rushed to my cheeks. “Well, I should get going.”

  “Where ya headed?” He took another sip and gritted his teeth to keep from motorboating again.

  “I was just going to do some shopping. Um…you know you don’t have to drink that whole thing to prove anything.” I giggled watching him shake his head after another sip.

  “Pfft. It’s just a bit of caffeine.” He grabbed a lid and handed me one. “I was just going ta sit around and write…unless ya wanted some company?”

  I should have said no, but nodded instead. Well, at least hopped up on that much espresso he could carry all my bags for me. Hell, with the amount of caffeine in that cup, he could probably haul a whole a semi over his head. He followed me out and we headed a few blocks away to a clothing store. Kieran stopped and tossed his cup into a trashcan before following me in.

  “Did you finally give up finishing it?” I glanced down at his empty hands.

  “No, I finished the whole cup.”

  I coughed and tried not to sputter out my own coffee. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

  “What? I feel fine.” />
  I shook my head and turned to one of the clothing racks. “For now, you mean.”

  He shrugged again and slumped down into a chair. I eyed him nervously but for the time being he did seem fine. I grabbed a few sales items off the rack and went to the back to try them on. When I came back out he was slipping off his jacket and beanie.

  “You alright?”

  “Yeah. Perfectly fine. Just feelin’ warm.” He smiled a bit wide. His pupils were huge and black and his feet bounced against the floor.

  “Um, maybe we should go for a walk. Get you to sweat off some of that caffeine.” I placed the clothes down and went over to him. He jumped up to his full six feet like a spring.

  “Sounds good ta me!”

  Oh dear God…

  I grabbed his arm and led him out of the store, but had to double my pace to keep up with his huge strides. “Slow down there, buddy.”

  “Hmm? Sorry.” Kieran slowed down but it was still a brisk stride. I grabbed his hand and his fingers drummed against mine. I cast him a nervous sideways glance and saw beads of sweat running down his jawline.

  “Have you had anything to eat today?”

  “Nope! Not really hungry though.” His words jumbled out together and he rubbed his eyes.

  “Maybe we should go back to my place for a snack. You sure you’re still okay?”

  “Yeah. Feck! It’s feckin’ hot out, innit?” He let out a huge breath and I shook my head at him.

  “It’s fifty degrees and windy.” I slid a subtle finger up to his wrist and felt his pulse. It was thrumming like a hummingbird’s. “Yeah let’s go back to my place and get some food in you. And water. I think you need it.”

  Kieran didn’t fight me and we made it back to my building in record time. I probably could have just hopped on his back and had him run there. He trudged up the stairs behind me, losing steam halfway up. His breaths started coming in heavy pants and I cast another wary look at him. The front of his shirt was soaked with sweat. We made it to my apartment without him collapsing or going into cardiac arrest and I went straight for the kitchen to make him a sandwich and a glass of water.