Helmut Saves the World

by Matt Sheehan

  “Oh, I remember now.” He smiled a big smile. “They all look the same to me this time of night. That still leaves you one down. We’ve probably got another half hour ’til closing, but I don’t think you’re going to catch me. The place is starting to clear out.”

  I had already stopped playing. “As for our contest, you win.” I passed him a twenty, which he quickly pocketed. “Keep trolling for minnows if you like. I’m gonna reel me in the big fish.”

  “Good luck, mate. I think it’s time I got Alek back to his room. The last time I looked, he was drooling on the table.” He pulled some cocktail napkins from his pocket and settled on one with a lipstick kiss. “After that I might just try my luck with this. I have to say, you two really surprised me.” He stuck out his hand and I shook it. “It was a pleasure working with you, Helmut. We’ll be in touch. I know there’s still the matter of your payment.”

  “I know you’re good for it. And if not, Shamus can find you.”

  “That he could.”

  And so we parted as friends. What a difference a day can make. I walked back into the bar and made my way over to Katina’s table. She looked relieved to see me, but quickly covered it up.

  “You know, I could have handled that myself.”

  “You’re welcome. Are we staying here, or going somewhere fancy for dinner?”

  The corner of her mouth twitched briefly, but she didn’t smile. I was being bold, but so what? She was the damsel in distress and I had just rescued her from the ogre.

  “I’m happy here if you are. I see you came with your enemies again.” She gestured over at Nero, who was struggling to get Alek out of his chair.

  “Oh, we’re friends now. We fought a fallen angel together this afternoon. That kind of thing really tends to bring people together.”

  That time she did smile a little. “I’m sure it does. Is that a normal occurrence for you? Fighting angels?”

  “I do tend to get in a lot of fights, but usually not with opponents as exotic as angels. More often it’s lowlifes like the one I escorted outdoors. But enough about me. What’s a normal day like for you?”

  “Probably a lot like yours. I get in fights and usually win. Mine just happen to be verbal. By the way, I saw your commercial this morning. You looked very handsome in it.” She looked me up and down like a piece of meat before continuing, causing my heart rate to increase a bit. “But I like you better in person. So tell me, what did you really do today?”

  So I spilled it. Greek spies, nuclear engineers and fallen angels. The whole ball of wax, and she actually believed me. Now she asked a few pointed questions, but in the end she took my word for it. I barely believed any of it myself. We ended up closing the place down. It was amazing how much we had in common. I don’t usually take the time to get to know the various women I date, but in Katina’s case I actually wanted to. Definitely a strange feeling.

  Shamus and Phoebe were indiscreetly getting to know each other better at their booth, so I didn’t bother to tell Sha I was walking Katina out to her car. Her car turned out to be a fire-engine-red Bronco coupe, a model I actually test drove before settling on my Phoenix. I have to admit I was a bit nervous. That feeling momentarily brought me back to fifth grade, when I met up with blond-haired Bethany behind the gym. The beginnings of my carnal reign of terror. I was treated to a kiss goodnight with the implied promise of more to come later.

  I was walking back to the bar with a spring in my step and not a care in the world. I may have even been whistling. I can’t remember whether it was a sound or a half-seen silhouette from my peripheral vision that drew my gaze up, but what I saw made my heart feel like it was going to burst from my chest.

  Dantalion was perched at the top of the clock tower at the end of the block, staring down at me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Fight or flight kicked in right away, and the flight half was on the verge of winning. I was unarmed, a bit tipsy and without backup staring up at a fallen angel who earlier in the day I had punched in the face. I didn’t think it likely that he had forgotten. In fact I believed that he held a grudge and found the dark and deserted street a wonderful opportunity to pay me back in kind.

  Luckily Katina was gone, but Shamus was still in the bar and I figured Dantalion knew it. So I tried my best to look menacing and stood my ground. He stood up and unfurled his giant bat wings, which had been wrapped around him like a greatcoat. He flapped his hideous wings a few times, then lifted off gracefully from the tower and landed in stride a few feet from me. The wings appeared to dematerialize upon landing.

  I have to admit the guy has style. He was dressed impeccably in a New Athens-style three-piece suit with ox-blood loafers and matching scarf, topped off with a sweet black C-crown fedora. This was obviously not off-the-rack fashion, although I’m not sure what stores stock clothes for giants. His socks would have to be custom made. He also had a book in his right hand.

  As he closed in on me, I let the tension flow out of my limbs, took a deep breath and squared up. I knew I had no chance of winning, but I intended to make him work for it.

  Imagine my surprise when he stopped a few feet in front of me and smiled. “You can relax, Helmut. I’m not looking for a fight.”

  I didn’t initially drop my guard. “Then what? You have an overdue book you need to return? I’m pretty sure the library is closed.”

  “Oh, this.” He held up the book, twirled it in his long fingers and slipped it in his pocket. Now I didn’t see him slip it in his pocket. What I saw was the book there and then not there. I chose to believe there was some sort of sleight of hand involved. “It’s sort of my calling card. ‘Oh, the angel with the book... That must be Dantalion.’ You know, since I’m the one that brought knowledge to the human race.”

  “Well, I guess the stories that you and your ilk left behind more than just knowledge are true as well?”

  He looked at me blankly. I felt like I was talking to Shamus. “You know...a bunch of women with abnormally large babies.”

  “Ha! I guess we did. He told us just to watch, but we didn’t listen. How could we? At first we just wanted to help. You were all so pitiful in those days. Running around in fig leaves, half-starved on a diet of fruit and nuts. We taught you how to make weapons to hunt game and to make bread from grain.”

  He stopped and shook his head. “Being so close to humanity for so long changed something in us. We started to feel passion for the first time. I understand you know something about that.”

  He smiled conspiratorially at me, and I started to drop my guard a little before catching myself. The guy was charming, mass murderer or no. “And your point is?”

  “We not only felt passion for your women, but love for the children they bore us. We ended up caring more for our flesh and blood than for the sons of man. Maybe it was wrong of us to play favorites, or maybe we just took it too far. With our help our sons and daughters were able to subjugate humanity and take their place as its kings and queens. He definitely was not happy with us. He was going to smash a massive rock into the ocean and flood the world. Start all over with a select few free of our blood. You can put your hands down by the way. I’m not going to attack you.”

  I kept my hands right where they were. “Look, I’ve had a really hard day and I would like to go home and get some sleep.”

  “And sleep you’ll get. I see your lady friend went home without you.”

  “Did you come all this way to insult me? I got her number and we have another date planned.” In hindsight I have no idea why I felt the need to defend this position, but at the time I was ready to fight again.

  “And I’m sure you’ll do just fine. I didn’t come here to bicker about your social life, or lack of one, this evening. I just wanted to let you know you can relax. I have no intention of looking for revenge against you and Shamus.”

>   At this point my hands did drop. “What the what? This afternoon you were trying to kill us. You killed your own men.”

  He shrugged. “What can I say? I was angry at the time. My children will be in danger if this weapon comes to fruition, and now thanks to you I can’t stop it. There will be hell to pay, so to speak, for getting involved in this whole mess, but it was a chance I felt I had to take. All in on the long con, and I lost.”

  “Great, so no hard feelings.”

  “Oh, I have hard feelings, Helmut Haase. You are brave and have a sort of moxie that I admire, but I would kill you where you stand if not for the hurt it would cause one of our children.”

  “Not to argue the point since it’s keeping you from killing me, but I don’t know any Cretans.”

  “Well, of course you do. He blasted me out the window today with a burst of lightning.” He rightly took the look on my face as confusion and continued. “How many so-called Druids can do that? A few in a generation. And it can’t be taught. They either can do it, or more often, they can’t.”

  “But Shamus was born in Eireland, and I know for a fact that his parents were as well.” I was arguing with an angel about a point of contention that was the only thing keeping me alive. I honestly just can’t help myself sometimes.

  “Yes, and how many times have bands of Sea People, regardless of the so-called truce, raided your adopted homeland? And what is it that raiders do other than pillage?”

  It took me a minute to catch his drift. Sea People are the scourge of the coastal waters around Gaul and Ifriquia, and while not politically affiliated with Crete, they were always rumored to be cousins due to the obvious physical resemblance. “So somewhere down his family tree—”

  “Is one of our strapping young lads. Shamus is part of the family as far as I am concerned—something you should be thankful for. However, if I were you, I would make sure you and Shamus stay out of the affairs of the Empire. I may have a soft spot in my heart for bastards, but the other Watchers and certainly the average Cretan warrior will not. Consider yourself warned.” He straightened his back, and the huge ugly wings unfurled themselves from wherever they were hiding. “I hope for your sake we never cross paths again, Mr. Haase.” With a leap he vanished into the night.

  Chapter Twenty

  I was a little wobbly legged walking back to O’Kelly’s, having looked death in the eye once again and lived to tell the tale. Anyone left in the bar was frantically trying to avoid going home alone or attempting to sober up enough to find the door.

  Then there was Shamus and Phoebe, completely unaware of or unconcerned with their surroundings and acting in a way that could loosely be described as inappropriate. I was happy for them—however, the proprietor of the establishment did not appear to be. If he’d had access to a garden hose, they would have been soaking wet. I caught his eye to let him know I would alleviate the situation, and then crashed their little party.

  “Hey Shamus, I know this may be a foreign concept for you, but that’s actually what your bedroom is for.”

  He looked up groggily and gave me a roguish smile, while Phoebe had the good sense to at least look a bit embarrassed.

  “No one on your arm tonight buddy?” It was said with more confusion than sarcasm. I was surprised myself.

  “It’s been a strange night all around. You need a ride home?” I could see Phoebe shaking her head out of the corner of my eye but chose not to notice.

  “I think I’ll find my own way back tonight. It’s a nice night for a walk. Breathing the fresh air will do me some good.”

  I don’t think Officer Phoebe gave him much time to breathe that night, but that’s neither here nor there. I paid their tab on the way out and gave the bartender a big tip as a thank-you for putting up with them.

  Meeting up with Dantalion that night took a few years off the life of my ticker, but at least I knew I was safe leaving Shamus without a chaperone. It was almost a blessing going home alone. I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow, and I slept ’til the doorbell woke me up midday.

  I shuffled to the door, navigating more by memory than eyesight. I felt much like you would expect to feel after being shaken violently by a giant. I fumbled with the lock and opened the door to the most beautiful sight I could possibly imagine: a hideous man masquerading as some sort of hat-check girl, holding an open duffel bag filled with gold drachmas.

  “We raided Dantalion’s local accounts. I’m pretty sure this should cover your share.”

  “You know you look ridiculous, right Hector?”

  “You’re just jealous. The construction guys on the corner were giving me cat calls, and the cabbie asked me out.” He smiled and stuck out his hand and I shook it. “You two really saved our bacon. In another decade or so Johnny and his ilk will make war as we know it obsolete. I may end up being out of work.”

  “You can always find work as a waitress or secretary.”

  “I appreciate that. As for your pay, unless you’re feeling extremely patriotic, I wouldn’t bother declaring it.”

  “I have no intention of declaring it. The fence I plan on using is much less of a crook than the tax collectors. And I plan on putting it to better use than the Feds would.” I’m only mentioning this now because the government we lived under at the time doesn’t even exist anymore. And I did in fact put it to good use.

  “Well, good luck and good health to you, Helmut. I hope we can call on you and Shamus again if the need arises.”

  I gave the duffle a healthy shake before answering. “Absolutely.”

  * * *

  So that’s the end of our little adventure. I think you would agree that I basically singlehandedly saved the world, or at the very least the Western Hemisphere. I realize other people were present at the time and played minor roles in assisting me, but honestly I would have risen to the occasion just fine without them.

  But I jest. I would like to say we never bumped into Dantalion again, but alas I can’t. At least you know I didn’t die. Hope that doesn’t ruin the story. As for me and Katina? Well, that’s complicated. I can tell you there’s no picket fence or little crumb makers yet. Maybe when I have a bit more grey in my hair and a little less spring in my step.

  Until next time, Helmut Haase, signing off.

  * * * * *

  About the Author

  Moody and sarcastic at the best of times, the author should not be conversed with prior to his morning cup. Excels at sitting with his feet up, drinking beer or coffee, depending on the time of day, and reading; but has yet to find someone willing to pay for that service. Has always been, and will always be, his mother’s favorite child. Dreams of someday moving to a deserted island that supports coffee trees and hop vines.

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  ISBN-13: 9781426898020

  HELMUT SAVES THE WORLD

  Copyright © 2014 by Matt Sheehan

  Edited by Jeff Seymour

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  All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. They are not even distantly inspired by any individual known or unknown to the author, and all incidents are pure invention.

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