by Linda Maran
“He consulted me on the terms of his will because he wanted to leave the bulk of his estate to me and Kristen. Said he had no real family to speak of. I insisted that he not do that. Ross gave us everything we needed while he lived. I am glad that he has Kristen’s admiration. I want her to know that he cares for her very much and planned to leave her nearly everything he has. She needs to know this if I should pass on before Ross. This way when his time comes, Kristen will understand why there is no inheritance from him.
May God lead my dear dochter in the path that best suits His Will for her.
Finally, if Katie Mast has survived me, I want her to know that I am grateful for her contrition and the truth she let me know after so many years. Reading the letters that she’d kept from me, so long ago, has only affirmed my love for Jacob all the more. He would never abandon me or his child. I understand the deep fear that drove Katie to keep us apart. And I am sorry for all of us because of it. She has my forgiveness.
With all my love and gratitude,
Emily Esh.”
The room was completely quiet save for a few sniffles.
Kristen wondered if the heavy quick beating of her heart could be heard. She wanted to disappear.
But maybe not as much as Katie wanted to. She sat there with downcast eyes, as tears dripped from them onto her gray dress.
Kristen dared to glance in Jacob’s direction. Both hands covered his face as he silently wept. She could barely watch him…her father, in such distress. Then she looked to John. His eyes were closed and his lips moved quietly. He was praying. He surely practiced what he preached. She needed just one glance, one little gesture from him to steady her nerves.
Everything felt so surreal she hoped she’d wake up any minute now. But this was no dream. She kept her eyes on John. Then she prayed, too. Please God, help me get through this. Help me not to feel so deceived. I was raised with a secret all of my life. How can I trust anyone ever again?
No sooner had the words gone to God, John opened his eyes and stared right into Kristen’s. For a brief instant, a kind smile grazed his lips, and he nodded his head, as if to say, “Everything will be fine.” She nodded back to him and felt a large measure of relief wash through her. Here was her answer to prayer. She could trust someone again. She could trust John.
“Please, if anyone needs to get some air or wants kaffee, go ahead,” the bishop said. “I’ll ask Madeline for a fresh pot.” He stood and headed toward the kitchen.
Aunt Elizabeth gave Kristen a tissue, and Daniel and Uncle Jonas headed outside.
Aunt Miriam got up and came over to Kristen.
“Maybe we can get Madeline to make you a cup of chamomile tea.” She wiped a stray tear off of Kristen’s cheek.
Kristen didn’t know whether to cry more or to laugh. She seemed to do both. “Not everything can be fixed with chamomile tea.” Tears ran into her smiling mouth.
“Come. Let’s get us some fresh air.” Aunt Miriam took Kristen’s arm and practically lifted her out of the chair.
Aunt Elizabeth followed as they headed to the front porch.
John stood before them as they leaned against the porch railing. He didn’t seem fazed if his mother or aunt heard what he had to say.
“Remember when you told me that you heard some of the ladies at our haus on Church Sunday talk about the scripture passage of how the truth shall set us free?”
Kristen nodded.
“Vell, here it is. The truth. And it will set you free, Kristen.”
Kristen nodded again.
“This is the time for the truth in your life, Kristen. Look at it as a gift from both Gott and your mamm. You had Ross Maddok’s support and care while you grew up, and now you will have your vadder’s, Jacob Mast’s.”
“But I’m not any man’s daughter, really. Only my mom’s. I never knew Jacob, and Ross was not my father as much as he pretended to be at times. Right now, I belong to no one.”
Aunt Elizabeth gave Kristen’s arm a squeeze while Aunt Miriam blew her nose.
“First and foremost, you are a child of Gott, and He has a plan for all of us. Seems to me that He’s leading you to that plan. You had nothing to do with the decisions Katie or your mamm made. It’s all part of His plan. Just place yourself in His care,” John said.
Kristen wanted to sob like a child but held her tears long enough to say, “And in yours, too?”
Without any secret gestures or quiet motions, John openly replied, “For sure and for certain, Kristen.”
~*~
When everyone had settled back into their chairs at the table, Katie stood at her place.
The bishop gave her a nod, and she took in a breath and began to speak.
Kristen didn’t think she could hear any more of the secrets that surrounded her mother’s former life, but she endured, hindering on John’s scripture reminder earlier. This was the time and place to learn the truth…all of it.
“My time of reckoning has come. I ask forgiveness to the Esh and Wagler families for my deceitfulness all those years ago. And I will ask it of the entire community on Sunday in a kneeling confession. My punishment for this transgression is that I’ve had to live with the unhappiness it’s caused my dear brudder and Emily. And the knowledge that it’s tainted the lives of Ross Maddok and Kristen. I have no excuses for the damage I’ve caused, but I will at least try to explain why I behaved so foolishly.”
Kristen forced herself to look at Katie and to listen.
“I was already fifteen when Jacob was born and our mamm died birthing him. The span of years between us brought no other kinner. I raised Jacob like he was my own, and our daed was all too glad for it, not able to take care of an infant, or later, a toddler, with all the carpentry work he had back then.
“When Jacob was three years old, our daed died from severe diabetes, leaving me and Jacob. I was scared out of my wits as to how I would manage to pay for things without our daed’s carpentry business. But Daed left us well off to get by for a couple years or so on our own.
“When the money was gone, I had to come up with a plan to continue on. This is not to say that the community did not offer their help. They did. Our haus was painted as needed, and the fencing repaired. I got help with the canning whenever I was not up to it myself. And I got many a ride to the doctor free of charge even by my Englisch neighbor. Gott was very gut to us in our time of need.
“But I knew I didn’t want to depend on the generosity and time of the community forever. I was nearly eighteen by then.” She sighed and went on, a faraway look on her face.
“Most Plain women would have found a gut husband and that would solve the problem all around. But I was not fit for marrying, and word got out to most eligible suitors. I too have diabetes and my chances for a healthy full life at that time seemed questionable. Never mind bringing a boppli into the world. Complications were always a big risk, especially nearly twenty years ago.
“So the men of our district stayed clear of me. I went to no singings and had no one waiting to take me home, and no one to talk with me after the common meal that followed Preaching.
“Jacob was my whole life. I had managed to make a meager living with my sewing crafts, and the little wooden Amish figurines Daed had taught me to make. Those were big sellers with the Englisch at the small stores around here. By the time Jacob was sixteen, he’d become quite the carpenter and the jobs he began to acquire kept us without money worries from that time on.” A faint smile crossed her face.
“Years later, when I received the mail one day while in Pennsylvania with Jacob, a letter addressed to him was partially torn open. Must have happened at the post office but it brought me the temptation to read it, especially when I saw the return address of Emily Esh.
“Jacob never spoke about Emily to me, or of any maidle, so I was curious and opened the letter. What I read shocked me. My Jacob was married to Emily. She wanted him to join her in Stone Arabia so they could tell our bishop of their marriage and have their
celebration. She suggested that afterward, they could move to Chautauqua County, where they’d been married. Said they could visit me every month or so.” Katie paused to gather her emotions.
Jacob offered her his glass of water.
She shook her head and went on.
“I was to be left behind. Alone. And it scared me more than the day our daed died. I’d come up with a plan to survive back then, and I decided I had to come up with a plan again. So, I folded the letter, put it in the envelope and into my dress pocket. Each day I’d check the mailbox for any letter to Emily that Jacob would leave to be picked up, and for letters that came for him from Emily. I’m sorry to say that I took them all but never read any more of them, and so I never knew about their boppli on the way. No wonder she came to Pennsylvania seeking out Jacob that day.
“When we got back home, I’d heard that Emily had gone off with the Englischer. I was surprised but also relieved. But poor Jacob was beside himself with grief and shock. He became listless.
“Miriam Esh, not knowing he was married to Emily, tried to befriend Jacob after Preaching and with invites for supper. She’d always seemed sweet on Jacob. Naturally, she figured he was a single man since he hadn’t grown a beard, what with keeping their marriage hush hush. And his rejection of her and any other interested maidle soon became a topic of gossip.”
Katie dabbed at her eyes.
Kristen kept her gaze on her unable to feel a twinge of remorse. Then she turned to Aunt Miriam beside her and saw a crimson face.
“A few weeks later, Jacob came in from the carpentry shop one day and announced that he was leaving. I could understand his reasons with all the secrecy here and all. But to my great disappointment he wanted to go alone to start a hardware business in Lowville where our mamm and daed had been born. He said he’d send me money to get by on and asked that I stay and keep up our haus here in Stone Arabia. He didn’t want to part with it just yet. I tried to convince him to take me along, to cook and clean for him, but he insisted I not go. He said he needed the time by himself.
“When he first moved there he lived in a little room in the back of the store he’d opened. The moment I learned of that, I came to realize that my selfishness and fear had ruined my dear brudder’s life, and in the end, I was alone anyway. He lived that way for years before he moved in with our cousin, Margaret and her familye.
“Year after year, it was harder for me to live with what I had done, so about three years ago I went on a search to locate Emily. I remembered the name of the Englischer and his general whereabouts from a mention of it from Miriam when Jacob had inquired about her after Preaching one Sunday. I went to the local library and asked the librarian to help me locate such a one.
“We found only the one name in New Jersey and an address to go with it. I mailed Emily all the letters Jacob had written to her that I’d kept. I included a note with my deepest apologies and also to please return them if I had sent them to the wrong party. They never came back, so I assumed Emily had received them. I couldn’t work up the courage to tell Jacob. I kept telling myself each day that I’d do it tomorrow. Vell, today is that tomorrow.”
Katie bent down and retrieved a brown bag from the floor and placed it on the table. “And now I turn over all the letters that Emily had written to Jacob. Please forgive me, brudder.”
Jacob nodded, and then looked away.
“What about the notes left at our haus?” Onkle Jonas asked.
Kristen sat erect now. She’d almost forgotten about those.
“That would be me.” Jacob’s voice filled the quiet room. “I asked an Englisch neighbor to help me, and he drove me here. We stayed at The Budget Motel for a couple weeks. He drove me over to the Waglers to leave the first two notes. Then I borrowed a friend’s buggy. Old man Goff’s, not far from The Price Chopper.”
A few heads nodded.
“Vell, it was a gut long ride, but I figured the car got enough attention. That’s how I left the last note, and then my Englisch neighbor drove us both back home.”
“But why? You didn’t even know that Kristen was your dochter yet.” Onkle Jonas’s brows furrowed.
“Nee, but I knew that she was Emily’s dochter, and I remember how some folks spoke ill of Emily for leaving me for the Englischer even though they did not know we were married. She left the church and was automatically shunned. I was just looking out for what was Emily’s. I had no idea why she left me and kept our marriage to myself all these years, but I knew if anyone found out, she’d be further scorned and her dochter a reminder of her wrongdoing. I meant no harm, and I’m sorry if I scared any of you.”
He paused and let out a deep sigh. “I tried my best not to make those notes sound like threats. Surely they weren’t. Had Kristen gone back, she wouldn’t be going through all of this.”
“The truth needs to be told, Jacob. No matter how painful it is. Kristen has the right to know these things. Would you not want her to know that you are her vadder?” The bishop looked upon Jacob with compassionate eyes.
“Because of that very fact, Bishop, I’m feeling nearly sick with grief for what she’s hearing and feeling right now.”
Kristen stared at Jacob.
The man her mother had loved and married. The man who’d lived the past seventeen and three quarter years unaware that she’d even existed. Did this man, her real father, truly care about her?
18
After everyone had left, John decided to stay with Jacob a bit longer. He seemed so stunned and forlorn as he sat on a rocker on Bishop Ebersol’s porch, the bag of his aentie Emily’s letters on his lap.
“So you’ll be staying a few more days, jah, Jacob?”
“Nee. I hope to leave first thing after breakfast by taxi. Doesn’t seem likely I’ll get to speak to Kristen just yet.” Jacob quickly brushed tears from the crinkled bag and tried to compose himself.
The screen door creaked opened. “Can’t sleep?” The bishop stood between the partially opened door and the porch. He gave a slight nod to John, and John acknowledged it.
“Nee. Too much going around in my mind. Might as well sit out here in the summer breeze for a spell.”
“Much was revealed to you this day, Jacob. With time and Gott’s grace, you’ll be able to come to peace with it all.”
“I’m not worried about that for me, but for my dochter, Kristen. Foolish as I now know it was, that’s why I sent those anonymous notes. I had a feeling her staying here would unravel things, but I never expected this.” Jacob kept his gaze ahead toward the fields.
“Why not stay an extra day and go see Kristen at the Wagler haus tomorrow?”
“I thought of that, but I don’t want to intrude on her new life.”
John opened his mouth to intercede.
The bishop put up his hand. “But you are part of her new life, Jacob. You’re the vadder she’s never known. These are the facts. Pray about it tonacht, jah?”
“Jah, I will, Bishop. Best I head up for bed now.” He turned to John. “Gut nacht, John. Denki for sitting with me. I wasn’t the best company.”
John wished he could feel anger toward Katie, but he didn’t. He’d heard how Katie had suffered loneliness and subtle rejection all of her life. Jacob had reaped the benefits of a mother’s loving care from her at the onset of his life. Poor Katie lived her entire existence for him and for him alone. She hadn’t known how to let go when the time had come for her to do so.
She must have seen it as the end of her life, and her actions changed the destiny meant for Jacob and Aenti Emily.
And for dear Kristen.
~*~
Kristen had just washed the last dish from breakfast and was sponging off the counter when she heard the sound of an approaching horse and buggy. She went through the motions as if today were no different than yesterday. But on the inside, her heart was bursting with all she now knew. “Expecting company, Aunt Elizabeth?”
“Nee. I plan to make a load of church peanut butter to bring to t
he store later.”
“Oh, yeah. I nearly forgot with all that’s happened.”
“Ach, that’s understandable, niece. John will return on his lunch break to drive you to the store so you can help arrange some of the boxed items on the shelves. He and Daniel left before sunup.”
“Who could blame them? Monday is opening day.” Kristen went to the screened door.
Jacob Mast walked toward the house.
“Oh, no. I have to go upstairs.”
Aunt Elizabeth looked out and then hurried to her side. “Kristen, that won’t do. He is your vadder, and this must be as hard for him as it is for you. The gut Lord brought this truth to us for a reason. Let’s see it through, jah?”
“Please stay with me, Aunt Elizabeth. I don’t know what to say or how to act with him.”
“Not to worry, child. Shhh, here he is now.”
Kristen smoothed out her apron and stood by her aunt as she opened the screened door for Jacob. “Goede Mariye to you, Jacob. This is a nice surprise.”
“I thought I’d come by for a proper visit with Kristen if she is up for it. I brought some cinnamon buns that the bishop’s frau, Madeline, baked this morgen.”
“Ach, how nice. I’ll put on a fresh pot of kaffee. We’ve already had our breakfast, but who can resist a taste of those sweet, delicious buns? Come. Have a seat.”
Aunt Elizabeth took Jacob’s straw hat. Kristen was glued to the spot and couldn’t seem to move or utter a word. Now she understood why Jacob must’ve been staring at her that day. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. He had the same dimple in his cheek as she did. His eyes were dark like hers and his fingers long. She’d always been told she had piano playing fingers. Her mom didn’t have long fingers.
“Kristen, come sit and have a bun.” Aunt Elizabeth placed a dish for her by the empty chair next to Jacob.
He smiled and nodded.
She did the same,and then sat beside him.
“I’ll just have half a bun. I’m still full from the corn mush we had.” Kristen didn’t think she could swallow one bite.