The Girl He Used to Love

by Amy Vastine

  “I’m sorry,” she said before slipping into the house, regretting nothing.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  ANGER. IT WAS THE only thing besides numb that Dean had felt since they’d heard the news five painfully long days ago. Addison was dead. Faith had told her the truth and it had sent his sister into a tailspin.

  Why? Why did she tell? There was a reason they were hiding. Of course, Dean had assumed the worst that could happen was that Addison would make Faith break it off. She’d dig her little heels in and be a brat about it until Faith couldn’t handle it anymore. Faith would surely choose Addison over him.

  But that wasn’t what happened. What happened was much worse.

  He sat outside her house for thirty minutes before he rang the doorbell. The house was dark apart from the one flicker of light coming from Faith’s bedroom window. She probably had candles lit.

  She answered the door, wearing her pajamas. Pajamas that looked like she’d been in them all day long. Her hair was in a messy ponytail and her eyes were rimmed red.

  “Are you alone?” They were the most words he had spoken to her since they’d heard about the accident.

  “Yeah, come on in.” She opened the door wider. He knew she was. Her brother had a baseball game and he’d seen her dad’s truck parked in the lot near the diamond on his way over. “I was getting some water. Do you want something to drink?”

  “I’m good.”

  “Good” was a relative term these days. “Good” basically meant he wasn’t curled in a ball sobbing.

  He followed her to the kitchen and purposely kept his distance. There was a tiny part of him that still wanted to take her in his arms and kiss her until this pain went away. But this pain would never go away because it was their fault Addison was dead.

  Faith didn’t bother to turn on the light. The two of them dwelled in the shadows. There was no light that could pull them out of their personal darkness, anyway. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of soda but didn’t bother to open it.

  “I came to tell you I’m leaving.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Back to school. I can’t stay here. I can’t live in that house.”

  She nodded in understanding. Addison’s ghost probably lingered around this house, as well. It was her home away from home.

  “I’m not coming back, either.”

  Her gaze lifted. “Not for Thanksgiving? Christmas?”

  Dean shook his head. “I’m never coming back.”

  “Oh,” she whispered, staring back down at the can in her hands.

  No tears. That was good. No pleading for him to stay. That was even better.

  “Well, that was all I wanted to say.” He started for the door.

  “I’m going to miss you,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “I’m sorry.”

  There they were. The two words he was waiting for her to say. He felt every muscle in his body tense. He was a tightly wound wire and her apology caused him to finally snap.

  “I don’t want your sorry. I don’t forgive you. I’ll never forgive you.” It only felt good to say it out loud for a moment, then he saw the look of complete devastation on her face. But he couldn’t feel bad for her. He couldn’t care about her anymore. Not after what happened.

  Tears rolled down her cheeks. She set the can on the counter, unopened. “I never wanted any of this.”

  Addison was too possessive, too dependent on Faith. Dean had known that all along and still pursued her. He was so stupid. “I told you she would see this as you choosing me over her. She’s such a...”

  Addison wouldn’t be anything ever again. Except for dead.

  Was. His sister was a brat. If she hadn’t been the kid who had to have all the attention all the time, this never would have happened. Everything between them had always been some sort of competition in her mind. Heaven forbid their dad asked Dean how his day was before he asked her; that would mean he loved Dean more.

  Running off, hanging out with the wrong crowd, drinking—all of it was for attention. Plain and simple. Attention she wouldn’t have thought she needed if Faith hadn’t told her the truth.

  “I tried to tell her it didn’t have to change anything. I love her and I’m in love with you.” Faith reached for him.

  “Don’t touch me,” he spat.

  Faith recoiled like his words were a flame capable of burning her. “I wish you wouldn’t push me away. I need you. I love you and I know you love me, too.”

  “I don’t want you,” he said plainly. “You’re stupid for loving me and even more stupid for thinking I could care about you after everything that’s happened.”

  Faith covered her face with both hands as she dropped to her knees. The sounds coming out of her were enough to make Dean want to crawl out of his skin. Her shoulders shook as she unloaded all her pain at his feet.

  Part of him wanted to make her stop. He wanted to hold her in his arms and tell her he was sorry. They’d both messed up. He loved her. He did love her. But his compassion was so deeply buried under all his anger, she would never know it even existed.

  Without another word, Dean left the Stratton farm and Faith for good.

  * * *

  DEAN WOKE UP in his childhood bedroom with a thin sheen of sweat covering his body. The room was still dark and a quick glance at the clock told him it was still the middle of the night.

  He felt like a thousand-pound weight sat on his chest. He was a horrible person. He wished that had only been a nightmare, but he knew it had been more than that. It was a memory like the others.

  The way he had acted toward Faith, the things he had said, were uncalled for. He could blame the anger, but that was no excuse. He could say he was young and hot-headed. But all that mattered was that what he’d said was inexcusable.

  Faith was an easy scapegoat. It had been better to blame her than to admit all of it really rested on his shoulders. He had initiated the relationship. He had asked that she keep it a secret. He had put off telling Addison. He had forced Faith into the uncomfortable position of lying every day while he got off scot-free because Addison didn’t care what he was doing. She didn’t quiz him about why he wasn’t able to be somewhere or why he was acting different. Faith had carried the burden alone.

  And when she’d needed him the most, he had abandoned her and left her thinking he didn’t love her at all. The truth was he had hated himself, not her. Never her.

  Worse yet, if things went as planned, he’d be devastating her once again. This time, he’d be taking her brother with him. When she’d shared all her ideas and plans for Helping Hooves, Dean knew his ideas and plans for Grace Note were in direct opposition. Only one of them could have what they wanted.

  Just like that night in his dream, she had apologized when it really should have been him sharing his regrets.

  He sat up in bed. It was too late to call her, although he wanted to. But there was someone else he could apologize to who didn’t sleep. Or who’s always asleep, he thought. Getting out of bed, Dean knew what he had to do.

  He was more than surprised to see a light under Addison’s closed door. A shiver ran down his spine. It was like she knew he was coming. Pushing the door open, his heart raced. There were no ghosts behind the door, but Dean’s mother sat on the bed.

  “Are you okay?” He could see she had been crying and sat down next to her.

  “I woke up from a dream and needed to come in here,” she answered, wiping under her eyes. “I’m not usually this weepy. I think having you home has stirred up some old feelings.”

  “Dad said we were alike, and he’s right. I’ve been having weird dreams since I got here, too.”

  Dean’s mom put her arm around him. “I’m sorry, honey. It probably doesn’t help that I haven’t cleared o
ut this room. I know it’s time. I just...” She let out a sad sigh.

  She found comfort in here. Dean didn’t understand it, but he knew that was what it was. Like Faith had to go to the gravesite every week. They needed to be close to Addison somehow.

  “Maybe we can work on it together, you and me. Seems like I need to open this door and you need to close it.”

  Marilee leaned against her son. Her hair looked more brown than gold in the dim light coming from the lamp on Addison’s nightstand. “I’m so glad you’re home. I miss not having any of my kids in this house.”

  “I’ve been hiding from this—this room, these memories,” Dean said, waving his hand around the room. “But they’re still here, waiting for me to deal with them. What do you say we start by taking all these pictures off the wall?”

  He stood and offered a hand to his mom. She took a deep breath and then his hand. “Sounds like a good place to begin.”

  Addison had taped hundreds of photos to her wall. Some were trimmed into smaller squares or rectangles. Others were cut into hearts and diamonds. Dean and his mom peeled each one off the wall and removed the tape, setting the photos on Addison’s bed so they could eventually be stored in a photo box.

  “Oh, my gosh, this one is hilarious,” his mom said, holding up a photo of Addison and Faith when they were about four years old. Both of them were dressed up for Halloween—Faith as a princess and Addison as a dragon.

  Their smiling little round faces could melt a grown man’s heart. “She always found a way to get attention, didn’t she?”

  “Never wanted to be like everyone else,” his mom said, setting it on the bed. “She truly wasn’t like anyone else. She was special.”

  “Weird, special. I guess you can say they’re both the same thing.” Dean pulled off a picture of her and the cast of the high school’s version of Alice in Wonderland. Addison was the Mad Hatter, of course.

  Photo after photo came down. Young Addison and Faith jumping off a dock with their arms and legs spread wide so they looked like giant X’s. Faith and Addison with way too much makeup on from the time they got themselves ready for their first junior high dance. Addison and Dean one Christmas morning sporting the sweaters their grandmother had hand-knitted them. The fake smiles on their faces had been the only things in that picture that were ever worn again.

  Each picture carried with it a memory. Sometimes Dean shared that memory, sometimes not. Every one of them filled him with both sadness and joy. She’d had a beautiful life. It had been happy a life, full of both momentous and insignificant events, lots of firsts and lasts.

  “I stopped staring at these when I’d come in here a few years ago,” Marilee said, taking a minute to sift through the ones Dean had removed from his side of the room. “My goodness, Faith is in ninety percent of these.”

  “They were inseparable.” There was a tug at Dean’s heart. The two of them had known one another their entire lives. Looking at how many of Addison’s memories included Faith, Dean realized how much Faith had lost that day. Addison may have been his sister, but she was more than that to Faith. What they’d had couldn’t be labeled.

  He peeled off one of the last pictures taken of the two of them. Graduation. Faith had bent down a bit so they were the same height. They were hugging cheek to cheek with the most picture-perfect smiles gracing their pretty faces.

  The tightness in Dean’s chest made it hard to breathe as the tears welled in his eyes and spilled over. He dropped to his knees, the emotion overwhelming him. He cried like he’d never cried before. All the feelings he had buried and covered up with anger and guilt came flowing out. None of it could be held back.

  His mother held him and whispered words of comfort, but it felt like there would never be any relief from this hurt. He had loved both girls and lost them both that day. He still loved them. His heart ached and the tears didn’t stop.

  Until they did.

  “She loved you so much,” his mom assured him. “You were such a good big brother. She knew no matter what, you’d always be there for her.”

  “I wasn’t, though. I wasn’t there that night. I didn’t protect her because I was selfish.”

  “Oh, honey. That’s not true.”

  “She found out about me and Faith. She was mad. That’s why she went to the lake and hung out with those people. She wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t taken Faith away from her.”

  “Dean Francis Presley.” His mother let him go and lifted his chin so he could see her. “Are you kidding me?”

  He wasn’t. That was what happened. He’d wanted Faith. He hadn’t cared if it would cause trouble or if Addison would get jealous. He’d lied about it because he didn’t want Faith to choose Addison over him. They were everything to one another; she would have picked his sister.

  “Your sister and Aaron had been dating for months. She would have gone to that party at the lake whether Faith had been around that night or not.”

  Dean blinked and blinked again. “What? Addison wasn’t dating Aaron Evans.”

  “Well, they were writing some pretty provocative notes back and forth for two people who weren’t dating. I found them when I was cleaning her room and confronted her about what was going on.”

  “Addison and Aaron were dating? All summer?”

  “She claimed they fell in love when she tutored him in math. I don’t even think she told Faith. I’ve never talked to her about it.”

  “She didn’t.” There was no way Faith knew that and hadn’t told Dean.

  “We argued that she was too young to be so serious. Can you believe they were talking about getting married?” Her tone verged on hysterical. “Leave it to your sister to fall for the bad boy of Grass Lake.”

  Dean had a hard time accepting this new information. If what she was saying was true, it changed everything Dean believed about that night. It changed everything he believed about who was responsible for what happened.

  “You know me, I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt,” his mother continued. “But that boy’s father had been in and out of jail how many times? Too many to count. And his mother had problems with alcohol. I know I shouldn’t have judged him based on his parents’ wrongs. I just didn’t want Addison to get herself mixed up with someone like that and give up everything she was working toward. And I was right. Look at what happened.”

  “When did you two fight about this and where was I?”

  “That night. We fought that night. She stormed out. The last thing she said to me was that she hated me.” His mother’s face twisted and it was her turn to weep.

  Dean hugged her. “She didn’t hate you, Mom. She didn’t.”

  “I know,” she said, wiping her face. “Oh, why am I even crying? I’ve made peace with what happened. It took a long time, but I do know she loved me. Moms and daughters fight. I just wish fighting wasn’t the last thing we did together.”

  “How did I not know this?” Dean felt like history had rewritten itself in a matter of minutes. Everything about that night had a different slant to it.

  “You left.” When he cringed, she added, “And I understand why you felt like you needed to do that. But you weren’t here to process it all with us.”

  Dean definitely needed time to process this. He also needed to talk to Faith. If anyone needed the burden of guilt lifted, it was her.

  He knew exactly where to find her once morning arrived.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  FAITH CHANGED OUT the flowers in Addison’s vase. The periwinkle hydrangeas were Faith’s favorite. Addison used to draw pictures of them and tape them inside Faith’s locker at school.

  “So this week has been...interesting. I think more happened in the last seven days than in the last seven years.”

  It really was unbelievable how much had occurred in such
a short time. Dean had shown up and Faith’s whole world had started spinning off its axis. She had lost Duchess, passed the NETA inspection, repaired the relationship between Lily and Kylie, and kissed Dean.

  That last one was the real mindblower.

  “I don’t know what I was thinking except that he’s probably never coming back and that was the last time I was going to see him. I know what you’re thinking.”

  Addison would be rolling her eyes so hard they’d probably roll right out of her head. Faith was still in love with Dean after all this time.

  “It doesn’t matter how I feel. He doesn’t feel that way about me. I’m not sure if he ever did. When I look back, I wonder if he was hiding our relationship for more reasons than because you wouldn’t have liked it. I remember the way his friends used to treat us like we were nothing more than annoying little girls.”

  It had felt real back then, though. His “I love you” always had seemed sincere. But loving someone and being in love with someone were two different things. Maybe they were always better off friends, given their long history of being practically brother and sister.

  “He’s going back to Nashville and Sawyer and I will spend all our time and energy on Helping Hooves. None of this will matter. We live in two different worlds and I don’t think he’ll ever really get over the fact that I told you the truth when he asked me not to. It’s a hurdle I’ll never be able to jump over.”

  The squeaky cemetery gate announced the arrival of another visitor. Faith glanced over her shoulder and did a double take when she saw Dean walking toward her.

  Dressed in khaki pants and perhaps another one of his father’s dress shirts, Dean looked like a model for J. Crew. He held a bouquet of flowers from Harriet’s in his arms. The ends of the pink ribbon fluttered in the Sunday-morning breeze.

  “I thought I’d find you here,” he said as he approached her.

  Faith rose and brushed off the grass clippings that stuck to the skirt of her floral-print dress. “I was just finishing up. If you want a few minutes by yourself, I can go.”