The Complete Poems of A R Ammons, Volume 1
Page 16
said
755she’s been up there & it
“gives her a funny feeling”:
one night I saw
something come apart
over Vineland: it
760streaked in, glowed, &
slowly tore apart:
I thought it was a
satellite
re-entering:
765but next day read in the
papers it was seen from
Virginia to Connecticut:
too big to land, as
I thght it wd
770in Millville: was no
small potatoes:
first there was this blue
flash:
here are “motions”
775that play in and out:
unifying
correspondences that
suggest we can approach
unity only by the loss
780of things—
a loss we’re unwilling
to take—
since the gain of unity
would be a vision
785of something in the
continuum of nothingness:
we already have things:
why fool around:
beer, milk,
790mushroom cream sauce,
eggs, books, bags,
telephones & rugs:
pleasure to perceive
correspondences, facts
795that experience is
holding together, that
what mind grew out of
is also holding together:
otherwise? how could we
800perceive similarities?
but all
the way to unity is
too far off: we have
a place:
805at dusk a deep blue
sweeping smooth
cloud mass went just
between us
and the ocean:
810but the night is
clear and full of stars:
10 DEC:
sunshine & shade
alternate at 32: winter
seems about to, but hasn’t
815quite decided how to
happen:
(ideas give direction
but sometimes the wrong . . .)
when the first
820horizontal haze of
sunlight struck the sumac
thicket this morning,
bluejay flew in
and sat on an outside
825limb, his
appreciation, meditative
but imperfect, troubled
by starlings:
no place to stop:
830the pure moment
self-centered & posed:
I heard of a little girl
who wrote not
“poems,” but
835“feelings”—some tissue
resulting from
things & feelings
at interplay:
to make a world
840we need out of the reality
that is
and is indifferent:
but play
removing us—we must be
845careful—a point away
from reality, though
an uncreated, unspecific
reality—that is, in a
sense, no reality at all:
850what is out there? beyond
the touch of what
we make?
whatever,
stars shine through it
855& bring us up
short:
we make a context
that lets us out, permits
fullest life: we must
860care for ourselves,
assume that, beyond,
we are cared for:
rely on feeling—
till it goes too far:
865then
on sweet reason which
recalls, restores, and
levels off: we must all
die, it’s quite
870remarkable—
nevertheless, true:
but breakfast, and getting
off to school & work, and
what color to paint the
875second bedroom is
meaningful: it’s
no
great
joy to me
880that I plunge deeply
(I think) into things:
eternal
significance is of some
significance to me: I
885don’t know just how: but
temporal significance is
a world I can partly make,
loss & gain:
the social order obtains
890identity
at the cost of certain
exclusions: unity
by the elimination of
difference: the pleasure
895of the order is shared by
many, but the cost
falls on a few: should
the many
be denied to relieve
900the suffering of the few?
should the few pay
and not enjoy?
if it’s the few
who, alive to suffering,
905advance the mind, do they
have their reward? and
the callous many? is
smugness the cost of their
pleasure?
910motions of
society & psyche: what’s
to be done?
ever been done?
greater tolerance of random
915without obliterating
identity?
relieve the suffering of
the few & enrich the
many with difference?
920if the oppressed are
freed, will they become
callous
and unfruitful?
will you have the secure
925few and the oppressed
many?
is freedom
identity without
identity?
930who’s not working, slashing,
sweating, devising,
cheating to
surpass the many and
rise into
935the Few: (only a few
who pride
themselves on being the
Bottom Few?): is the
fight for the Top
940the true mystique? first dibs
on food & sex:
I know you,
man:
am grateful to the
945order, however imperfect,
that restrains you,
fierce, avaricious: the
Top: Olympus,
the White House, the Register:
950many lesser peaks in the
range: choose one and
fight:
that’s equality: if
inequality, must
955be a few hills even
there:
what’s the way home?
home?
what’s wrong with these
960deserts, excitements, shows:
excursions:
home is every minute,
occurring? just like this?
man, you’re sweet &
965gentle to
those who are
no
threat to your
mt
970but are
evidences that
you occupy one:
I have your #: it’s
me first after you:
975Odysseus screwed a lot but
never got screwed: or
if he did, he screwed back
harder, first
chance he got: he never
980“took nothing lying down”:
my song’s now
long enough to screw a
right good-sized article
with:
985flexible to vault me
/> to the Top:
I hope it will lift me into
your affections:
that’s what I need:
990the top I’ve chosen,
the mt I wd climb:
the nest I’ve pro-
vided
for this
995song to wind into is
the wastebasket: that’s
symbolic: the roll, tho,
unwinds from the
glazed bottom of an
1000ashtray: I don’t
know what to make
of that:
phoenix?
why always
1005make something out of
everything?
maybe this song
will be about getting
home
1010and figuring out some
excuse to leave again:
that wd be gd bth cmng &
gng:
the clouds, continuous,
1015are creased with light
between furrows: like a
forehead, opposite with
shadow:
just sat down
1020to smoke, and the sun cast
my hand against the
wall, and my cigarette,
plus the lively shadow of
cigarette smoke:
1025that vast, immediate, hot
body
touching me:
the sustaining
chemistries that
1030separate it from me:
plankton, grass, pears,
apples, cows: steaks
holding heat,
the vessels of heat;
1035lambchops, chickenwings,
green peas, mushrooms,
cornflakes, coffee, pecans,
storers & storages of
heat: the warmth
1040on my hand,
inside my hand: I
wonder
I don’t
think about it more often:
1045transfigurations, touch:
touches
everything and leaves a
shadow: kelp & birds &
pebbles even & each
1050individual blade of grass
& outhouses & mountains &
dead trees: even clear
water, toward the bottom,
accumulates some shadow:
1055intimate,
necessary
& hardly ever
mentioned: often
complained of, “the
1060sun’s in my eyes”:
this burning while imprtnt
theories are discussed &
business goes forward:
“goods were shipped
1065last Thurs via PP”
ASAP, CIF, & FAS: & the
lemon industry:
the sun, riding a moment-
to-moment crest: I
1070hope it will keep on
riding: it’s not a
fixture:
noticed how
some nights the stars
1075are raw & brand new?
make you feel
slightly
uneasy?
it’s the size
1080& distance
unwinds you,
pulls you out
attenuating you
into
1085nothingness
till you grasp
around
at star-straws:
anybody doesn’t believe in
1090reality should
try to start a dead car
on a 10-degree
morning:
maximum definition of
1095detail along
with
assumptions of symmetry:
I feel ideas—as forms of
beauty: I describe
1100the form as
you describe a pear’s
shape:
not idea as ideal—
ideas are human products,
1105temporal & full of
process:
but
idea as perception of form,
outside form that
1110corresponds
to inner form, & inner to
outer:
(chaos at the bottom of
things & mind: only ideas
1115lift up from
there: only
groupings, saliences
of similarity &
difference, only
1120clustering rises into
intelligence—instinct
itself an ordering,
overcoming great odds:)
a few flies are still
1125hanging around
the front porch:
they’re big blue:
when the door opens
they stir
1130in the sun:
they remember or
still have the scent
of the cat that was
rotting behind my
1135blue spruce: it’s
been below freezing
I don’t know how many
nights: I thought that
was supposed to lay them
1140but it ain’t laid’em
yit:
looks like it ain’t
agonna: we can
know only so much & even
1145explanations
that hang round long as
flies
have a way of going off:
one of these days
1150a snow’s crusty freeze
will draw’em a line
fiercer
than cat scent:
catch them
1155napping at night
under leaves: turn
into some nap: long,
rich, bluegreen
dreams:
1160beautiful, healthy-
looking flies, ate good,
long as the cat lasted:
had their day in
the sunny nooks
1165with lovely buzzes:
11 DEC:
they changed the forecast
today from
partly sunny to
mostly cloudy: not by
1170prophecy:
stuck their
heads out the window &
tho the instruments
didn’t agree reduced
1175the gap between
prophecy & existent fact:
the direct
yields abundance, while
calculation
1180drags upon the event:
I beg that my eyes that are
open
be opened, that the
drives, motions,
1185intellections, symbologies,
myths—lift,
expose me
to direct
sight: seeing, I
1190color, alter, hide, accent:
but what is there, naked
& nonhuman?
or here, deep &
terrifyingly human?
1195are we confined in an atom
with fiery nucleus? is
there too much room,
the ego under threat of
dispersion?
1200you—who are you? how do
I feel about you?
do I hate it that I love
to be tied to you by love?
untied, wd I be free
1205or lost?
but for
your own sake: who
are you?
can I help? is there any
1210thing I can do:
are things
working out
all right for you? what
are those black areas?
1215are they parts
of you that can’t
fall into place,
come into light?
are they longings &
1220fears only dreams whisper?
I love you the best
I know how:
encounter me with
belief:
1225are you getting yours?
getting & giving
yours, mine, & ours,
are we resolving most of
the areas, are we touching
1230on elation
enough?
do I love you mostly, or
the thought of us
together?
1235are you hoping that
giving will make up for
not getting? that wd
be the course of saints:
get, too: get it
1240from me: I have it
and having
it for you, I get mine:
who are you, deeper?
have I sounded you? was
1245that
bottom I struck? but oh
up in the heart & around
your breasts
and to speak of the deep
1250in your eyes, have
I come into your
measure? are
you getting yours? have
you been had?
1255you’ve had me: I float:
every cell
comes to this:
you are
beautiful: you are
1260just beautiful:
beautiful: thank you:
11:16 a.m: a blur of light
just came into
the room,
1265lived a few seconds, then
died away:
my crown-of-thorns,
waiting, got the benefit,
struck across the middle:
1270the instruments were
right in a way:
emphasis distinguishes
partly sunny from mostly
cloudy: if it don’t
1275snow it’s gonna miss
a good chancet: I’ll
say that:
lagging behind the event:
running to catch up: to
1280be at the
crest’s break, the
running crest,
event becoming word:
anti-art & non-classical:
1285in art, we do not run
to keep up with random
moments, we select
& create
the moment
1290occurring forever:
timelessness held
at the peak of time:
(just went to take a leak:
jay on the back lawn,
1295hopping, looking around,
turning leaves)
but this may turn back on
itself, motion by motion,
a continuum, held in
1300timelessness
racing with time,,,,like
a napkin
burnt in the ashtray, red