Image of Me

by M. G. Morgan

  “Yes, but you can rest assured that no one from my hotel will inform anyone that he is here. We protect our guests privacy.”

  I nodded and gave him my most business like look. Or at least that is what I hoped it was. Knowing what I was like it was probably closer to a grimace. Either that or I looked like someone having a stroke. Pretending I knew what I was doing was much harder than I had thought it would be.

  Matt reappeared a moment later a wide grin on his face. “You have to see the size of the bathroom it’s bigger than my old house.”

  He was like an excited child at christmas, and it broke my heart to see him like this. Surely he had stayed in hotels like this before? He was one of the wealthiest musicians in the world… It didn’t make any sense… How could it possibly be new to him?

  I remembered the dingy motel I had picked his guitar up from and it only served to add to my confusion. The more time I spent with Matt the more questions I had.

  “If that is everything then I will leave you both to continue your explorations.” He turned his hundred watt smile back on Matt before he strode from the room.

  Once the door swung shut Matt’s expression changed. “I thought he’d never leave.” He flopped down onto the couch lifting his legs and dropping his feet onto the small highly polished table in front of him. “So is this quiet enough for you?”

  I nodded and made my way towards the opposite side of the room, perching carefully on the edge of a stool that stood against the bar. The glass shelves behind were filled with all sorts of bottles of alcohol. One in particular caught my eye. The whiskey bottle immediately brought back memories of Matt lying naked across the couch in the back room of the Monkey House. I couldn’t shake it from my head. Him and that girl. I had so easily believed him when he told me that nothing had happened between them. I had wanted to believe him. I’d wanted him to be the man I had dreamt about all those years before in high-school. The way he had always protected me from Angela’s wrath… Someone like that had to be good. He wouldn’t lie to me.

  Shaking my head I caught him watching me. “What?” My voice was harsh, harsher than I’d intended but it wasn’t something I could just take back. The word was out there now, and he knew from the tone of my voice that I was done with being played. Only the truth would suffice now.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I laughed, a short and bitter sound. “You’re sorry? What for? You haven’t done anything to be sorry for?”

  The look in Matt’s eyes was soft and gentle. It was the type of look reserved for someone on the edge, somebody fragile that you didn’t want to hurt… But it was too late for hurt, it had already happened. And although I knew he didn’t owe me anything. Didn’t even owe me an explanation, I still wanted one.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you, I didn’t mean to… It’s just…”

  I shrugged and folded my arms across my chest. “It’s fine, I get it. She has your kid…”

  Matt stood and began to pace frantically around the small table. “It’s so much more than that. When she said I was becoming just like my father… I don’t ever want to be that man. I’d rather kill myself than ever be anything like that…”

  His words more than shocked me. Matt had never shown any signs of such extreme destructive emotions before now. What had his father done to him to make him think like that? I didn’t like my parents, I’d contemplated hating them after the incident with Mr Craigsdale and the way they refused to listen… But I still couldn’t hate them, I couldn’t bring myself to that point. I didn’t understand them and I was sure I couldn’t ever forgive them… But what Matt felt… That was different.

  “Matt?” I kept my voice low and soft. I didn’t want to surprise him or make him clam up again. I had a feeling that he’d already spent too long hiding the truth. Hiding what he really felt. That could fester inside a person, make them feel sick or often much worse. “What did your dad do to you?”

  He snorted almost derisively and pressed his hands back through his hair. “He’s one of those people who should never have been allowed to have kids… My mom walked out on us when I was about seven. I guess she got tired of the beatings and the constant emotional breakdowns. He used to like to pick her apart, you know? He liked to get inside her head, made her feel worthless… I remember the night she left like it’s seared onto the inside of my brain. She wanted to take me… Tried to take me…”

  He fell quiet for a minute as though seeing something that only he could. He winced suddenly and closed his eyes before continuing on.

  “He beat her until I was sure she wouldn’t get back up again. I was a kid, what was I meant to do? She looked so small curled up on the floor of the kitchen. I held her hand and he just shouted and screamed at her about how she wasn’t going to take his son. That she could get the hell out of his house but no way was she leaving with me…”

  Matt’s eyes were still closed as he remembered his father. I could see every inch of his pain etched across his face. “She promised me she’d come back and get me when she could… But she never did, I guess she couldn’t take the chance and I don’t blame her…” He paused again for a second. “I don’t want to blame her, but she got out and I didn’t.”

  “He turned on you then… You were his focus.”

  Matt nodded, and opened his eyes. “When she was gone it was as though he blamed me for her leaving. Teachers saw the bruises once and I thought I was finally going to be saved but… He covered that one easily enough. To everyone else he seemed real nice, friendly, charming I suppose. Everybody liked him. They couldn’t believe a kid that wouldn’t even speak about what happened. And after that he made sure he left bruises in places no one would ever see…”

  “Matt, I’m so sorry… I never knew…”

  He looked up at me, tears glistened in his eyes but he swallowed them back. Even now he was still struggling, still trying to show himself as the tough one. Unbreakable… And he didn’t need to. But how could you tell someone that it was alright to breakdown. That it was alright to cry and be upset? That he didn’t always need to be strong? He wouldn’t believe me.

  “Angela found out. She knew what was happening and she felt sorry for me… It’s why we split up, I didn’t want her pity, I didn’t want anyone’s pity. She looked at me differently when she found out, when she saw for herself what my old man was doing. And that wasn’t something I could stand. I left that night, left town and I’ve been running ever since. He came after me once, when he heard about my success. Something about a part of it being because of him. That I owed him for everything I was.”

  Matt made his way to the bar and grabbed a bottle from one of the glass shelves. He slammed a tumbler down on the counter and poured the amber liquid inside until it sloshed over the edge.

  “I don’t want your pity either, Kat, that’s not something I could bear…” He lifted the glass to his lips and took a deep gulp. Reaching out, I pressed my hand gently down over his pushing the glass from his mouth.

  I didn’t feel pity for him. He didn’t feel it for me. We were two people who had terrible things happen to them. We weren’t victims… Not anymore anyway. But my heart ached for him, ached for the child he had been when his father stole that childhood from him with every beating.

  Matt’s gaze met mine. An intensity passed between us, one that I couldn’t put my finger on. I felt it within me. It built like a knot inside my stomach that twirled its way up into my chest, stealing my breath. We were two pieces of the one puzzle. I had felt redemption in his arms in that night that we shared. But now, now was different.

  He dropped the glass letting it smash against the counter and drop to the floor. The whiskey poured out across the counter and dripped down onto the plush cream carpet staining it. When he reached for me I didn’t flinch or move away. The voice inside my head told me I should. Told me I needed to back away, that this wasn’t right, to remember what he had done to me. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t deny the look in his eyes or the call of n
eed and lust and something else that erupted between us. I wanted to taste him just once more. To taste that redemption and healing that he could offer me, and that I could give to him…

  “Kat?” His voice was husky, practically hoarse and that utterance of my name was filled with questions. Uncertainty.

  “I want this…” I moved in towards him leaning up on tip toe to crush my mouth to his. I could taste the whiskey on his lips, and when he opened up to me it coated my mouth like a fire. I kissed him harder, my body pushing against his, desperation making my hands shake as I tried to unbutton his shirt.

  “And I do too but…” His words were like a bucket of cold water over me. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I rocked back onto my heels and tried to take a step away from him but his grip on me stopped me.

  “Let me go…” My voice was low and filled with anger. It was aimed more at myself, how could I have been so stupid, again? My mind immediately ran over and over the usual guilt trip. I was an idiot. What the hell was I thinking? After everything that had happened?

  “Kat? Kitty Kat, don’t…”

  “Don’t call me that. Don’t ever call me that. Just let me go.” I shrugged out of his grip and backed away to the couch grabbing the coat I had discarded earlier. I tugged it on as I headed for the door. Tears of shame and anger burning in the back of my throat. Matt followed me, his hand pressing against the door as he tried to keep me from leaving.

  “This was a mistake and you were right to stop it…”

  “Kat, you don’t understand. I didn’t stop because I didn’t want you I stopped because…”

  But I shook my head and lifted my hands in front of me almost as though with that alone I could ward off his words. I didn’t want to know the reason. I could already imagine a million reasons why he stopped and none of them were something I could cope or deal with right now.

  I grabbed the door and tugged it open. Matt stumbled away from it and watched me as I tried not to run down the hall to the elevator. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I wanted to at least keep that humiliation to myself. I deserved that at least. My fingers pressed against the button frantically over and over until finally the doors whooshed open and I hopped inside. Bracing my back against the wall of the elevator the tears started to drip down my cheeks. Matt’s confused face appeared in the rapidly closing space of the elevator doors. And even though I tried to hide my tears I knew from the look in his eyes that he had seen them…

  CHAPTER FIVE

  The apartment was in darkness when I finally made it home. I fumbled with my keys twice before I finally managed to shove them in the lock and push the door open. I stumbled inside my hands automatically searching in the dark for the light switch.

  The feel of someone’s hands pressing against my back and shoving me until I sprawled across the floor sent a shiver of fear racing through me. A small squeal of terror escaped me as I felt across the floor, searching for something, anything to help me see in the dark. Anything to help me catch a glimpse of who was in the apartment with me. But I knew who it was even before he spoke… The acrid scent of his aftershave invaded my nostrils making me simultaneously gag and tears run down my cheeks.

  The smell of his aftershave was seared into my brain, forever emblazoned there. It conjured images of that faithful day, the helpless feeling that had raced over me as he held me pinned beneath him. The sound of his footsteps across the floor had me crawling backwards as fast as I could until my back hit the edge of the couch.

  His fist tangled in my hair as he dragged me upright. “Katherine, lovely to see you again…” He breathed the words against my face and I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

  I struggled in his grip as he pulled me towards the couch and shoved me down onto the seat. He sat beside me, one hand absentmindedly running circles across the back of my neck as he leaned in over me.

  “How have you been?”

  “What are you doing here? Get out or I’ll…”

  “You’ll what?” His laugh made me jump. His fingers dug in against my neck pinching hard enough to bring tears to my eyes. When he leaned over me a little further, I sucked in a frightened deep breath expecting the worst. Instead he flicked on the small lamp, the soft glow of light bathing the room in its yellow warmth.

  His face was right there in front of me, the smile stretched across his lips the same one he had worn all those years before. The look in his eyes was filled with longing and desperation. He dropped his gaze to the circular neckline of my t-shirt.

  “My, my, you did grow up lovely didn’t you? I’m almost glad I didn’t get to taste you back then… I have a feeling I’ll enjoy it much more now…”

  “No!” I screamed and jerked out of his grip, scrambling to my feet as I tried to put some distance between us. But he was ready for me. His hands catching my legs as he knocked me to the floor beneath him.

  He climbed up over me like some sort of predator about to strike against its prey. But I was older now, I wasn’t his prey anymore. I wouldn’t be his victim now or ever and there was no way I was going to just let him win. I remembered the terrified look in Emma’s eyes when she had recounted what he had done to her. This monster had destroyed my life and now he had destroyed some other girls life too… I couldn’t let him get away with it.

  The second he pressed his body against mine I drew out and punched him. The sound of my hand connecting with his jaw had a satisfying crunch. He cried out, reeling backwards as he clutched at the side of his face. I could see the blood on his lips as I tried to scramble out from underneath him. But he recovered faster than I’d anticipated. I drew out again but his hands brushed mine aside as he slapped me, full in the face.

  Stars exploded behind my eyes, leaving my vision blurred. I felt his hands gripping my throat, the pressure building as he cut off my air. I scratched and slapped at him, my legs bucking and heaving as I tried to push him off me. But the harder he pressed the weaker I became. I knew that if I allowed the darkness to eat me the terrible things he would do to me… I wouldn’t let it happen. I was stronger than this.

  “When I’m done with you, I’m going to find Emma and tell her what I’ve done with you… You were her shining beacon of hope. When she knows that no one gets away from me…”

  His weight disappeared from me. I coughed, my throat feeling raw as I tried to suck in big gulps of air. The edge of darkness ebbed away from my vision and I rolled onto my side and then up onto my knees.

  Matt towered over Mr Craigsdale, who had curled into a ball on the floor. He was a cowered, one who picked on those he thought were weaker than him. But when he was faced with someone strong he fell to pieces.

  Matt reached down and dragged Craigsdale upright, before he punched him I called out, slowly trying to drag myself to my feet.

  “Matt, no, leave it…”

  Matt dropped him instantly and turned to face me. He skidded across the floor to my side helping me to my feet and setting me gently on the couch. He turned back to where Craigsdale had been, but the older man was already gone. The front door stood open and I couldn’t hear anyone on the stairs. He was well and truly gone, for now at least.

  “What the hell happened? How did he get in?” Anger flared in Matt’s eyes as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and drew me in against his chest.

  I didn’t fight him, I didn’t want to and if I was honest with myself I was glad of the comfort.

  “He was waiting for me. When I got home and opened the door he jumped me in the hall… How did you know?” I stared up into his face.

  “I didn’t… I followed you back here because of the way things went wrong back at the hotel… I didn’t want to leave it like that… And when I saw him…” Matt’s voice trailed off and the anger was back in his eyes. He held me tighter and I could feel his fists ball up in my t-shirt.

  “Thank you.” I uttered the only words I could. He had saved me. I had saved myself once before, I’d gotten lucky. But this time… I couldn’t lie t
o myself, I knew that if Matt hadn’t come along when he did that Craigsdale would have gotten exactly what he wanted. It wasn’t right or fair, and I knew that some women would look at me and think me weak for not fighting him off. But he was just stronger. When he hit me it had felt as though the inside of my head was on fire. I couldn’t compete with that.

  “Don’t thank me for doing something that anyone else in my position would have done.”

  I glanced up at him, my emotions bubbling within me until I was sure they would spill over. “Not everyone would do what you did…”

  Matt’s expression hardened, he knew exactly who I was talking about and he couldn’t deny it. I was right. She hadn’t tried to help me. She had done the complete opposite in an attempt to destroy my life. Part of me had always wondered was it really me she had it out for? Would she have done the same if she had come across some other poor student in my situation? Was it bitterness on her behalf over her break up with Matt?

  “I’m not leaving you here tonight.”

  “I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry about me now, Matt. He won’t come back, not tonight anyway.”

  “No. You’re not staying here. You need to be somewhere he can’t find you.”

  “What I really need to do is find Emma. He’s going after her. He’s done enough damage already, I can’t let him destroy her completely. She came to me for help and I let her down…”

  Matt shook his head. “Kat, if she really wanted your help she’d be here…”

  “She’s terrified, I can’t blame her for running. I did. But I know better now, and I won’t let the same mistakes that I made happen to her… I need to find her.”

  Matt pulled his cell phone from his pocket and handed it to me. “Then you have only one choice. You need to call the police tell them everything… I was here tonight I witnessed everything, what he tried to do to you.” Matt sucked in a deep breath in an attempt to quiet his temper.