I couldn’t stop, I didn’t want to stop, I needed to continue, I needed the feeling, the sensation to prevail, to become more than White wanted us to be.
And even though my feelings are so much more than my actions, are like waves of lava and ice rolling down across my skin in heavenly waves. I caught myself pulling and clawing him close, in moving my hips violently in an attempt to bury him deeper inside of me.
I had no clue how many times he already had tossed me over the edge or how he managed to restrain himself from doing the same, but every time my orgasm was more violent when Jay just turned tenderer, gentler, and more lovingly. It was the last one, when we lost our sense of everything else than us together, which was the most powerful and when I simply knew that we really had become more than simply the sum of us.
When Jay gently put me down on my feet, and I became aware of how sore I would be the next day, I realized that he hadn’t changed; he hadn’t warped into the beast, not even one bit. I can’t vouch for my senses, so maybe his eyes did, but he stayed human all the way through. And as crazy, as insane, as it sounds: it worried me.
My hands framed his face just as he had when he had entered my room and I looked into his eyes, asking, searching for something I should really worry about.
“I’m fine,” he whispered and smiled at me.
Oh, that expression on his face, it made my heart swell and I couldn’t stop from kissing him, briefly, once, and then I simply planted a dozen little kisses all over his face.
“I think I scratched you though,” he added, sounding like a boy who had stolen the last cookie.
Strangely enough I remembered him doing that; more than once and I grinned.
The moment he had mentioned the scratches I began to feel them. Obviously, because the ecstasy of what we had done had worn off.
But I didn’t mind them.
Call me crazy, call me un-normal, but I liked the sensation, enjoyed the ache of his marks on me.
“Sorry about the clothes, though,” Jay said lowly, a wide, boyish grin on his face.
I looked first at him, than down to his feet, where his pants were lying, still intact.
“I wish I could return the favor,” I answered and met his eyes, grinning. “You wouldn’t be able to leave.” I cocked one brow, being absolutely aware that I was stating the inevitable; I refused it to ruin the moment.
Jay surprised me with him pulling me against his chest and wrapping his arms around me. It certainly was a funny scene to look at, with me in nothing but socks and sneakers on my body, and with his trousers and pants pooling around his feet, while we stood there arms around each other.
I allowed myself to close my eyes as my cheek rested against his chest and his chin was on my head. I imagined us standing in my dorm room, lit up by nothing more than my desk lamp. He had just returned from another turn abroad and the pants at his feet were from his camouflage uniform, sand still lingering between the tucking. We never ended up in this place. He never met White and never signed up for this program and I was still a dorky introvert student, and the only thing different was us meeting on the street. It was just a coincidence him coming home to his mom and me having had this crazy idea of driving past my childhood home.
“I love you,” I heard myself whisper almost inaudibly; and my eyes flew open.
I could hear his heart picking up the pace as mine was and I felt like having to tear away from him but he wouldn’t let me, he held me close and I didn’t move an inch, becoming aware of how strong he really was.
“I love you, too, Meghan,” he whispered and kissed the top of my head.
I was able to stop the tears from forming in my eyes like a pool of acid. The last thing I wanted to do was to cry, because all it would do was hurt him and I wanted him to leave with a smile...a sad one, but still a smile.
“It’s okay,” he murmured against my hair, rocking me slightly, his thumbs brushing across my skin.
Not one single tear fell. All I did was let out a sigh.
I can’t recall for how long we stood there, and in retrospect I am absolutely surprised that they allowed us to be together that long. It wasn’t even White’s voice that called Jay back, but the sound of my door being unlocked that made us both snap out of this.
Jay moved at lightning speed and wrapped the blanket from my bed around me, before he pulled up his pants and turned around to search for his shirt.
Somehow I managed to suppress any sound of shock as I saw his back. No, it wasn’t scars that I was seeing. There were fresh scratches, and they were too deep to have been caused by my fingernails. Instantly I looked down at my hands and turned them so that I could see the back of them. There was red beneath my normal, human fingernails.
It hadn’t been only his beast that had tried to surface. Mine had done the same.
I didn’t say anything, although Jay obviously saw that there was something off in my soft smile, but he didn’t investigate. Instead he leaned down and gave me a chaste kiss, lingering above my mouth just a tad too long for not having any effect on me. And my smile turned real.
Jay left without a word, only turning around three times to look at me before he had reached the door and closed it behind him.
I pray that they don’t find the scratches suspicious. I don’t need to pray that I won’t lose it this time, because I won’t allow it. I know that it sounds strange that I know that I am...I won’t take any chances by writing it down. I just know, just as I know that I won’t lose it because I am a perfect match for him now. Hybrids rarely survive, but he or she isn’t a hybrid.
Those scratches I saw tell me this.
Day 154
After Jay left they surprisingly left me alone. Not even White showed up. But that also meant that I had to clean up the shreds left of our meeting. Not that I minded. Some rags from my clothing I stashed under the sink, because you never know when you might need some cloth.
I don’t know exactly how or when, I just know that Jay and I will escape this place. I will make that happen.
Strangely enough I feel empowered, but I don’t really know why. I can only assume that the origin of this feeling of strength and power has something to do with yesterday. It’s almost as if I am able to feel my beast stirring beneath my skin, ready to leap into life if I should be threatened. It is a strange feeling to simply know that you can protect yourself, that you are not weak, not inferior.
I know that I cannot give into this feeling, I cannot live it, because once White figures it out, he’ll imprison me just like the other beasts and the life that’s growing inside of me will never know freedom, never know what it’s like to be human.
I have to be careful.
My instinct tells me that I can trust Val, even more the moment I tell her that I am pregnant again, but safely so this time. I’m not sure she’ll understand.
What I need her to do is to talk to Peter. I have a feeling that their relationship is complicated, but we’ll need him if we really want to escape this place, because – honestly – who would White trust more than a person who desperately aims to please him?
I don’t know why I think that we can trust him, why he would suddenly turn on his brother. But what else is there? I don’t know. Even more, when I mentioned Peter while talking to Val, I sensed something in her. She tensed, trying to cover for something. So, maybe there is a chance. Maybe she can actually save Peter, or give him a sense of the salvation he searched for in me.
Somehow I know that there is something good in him, maybe buried deep inside, because why else would it have been so easy for him to think of Peter as a friend? Or maybe I just hope for it so desperately, because I don’t want to be naïve anymore. I was naïve to believe that he could be my friend in a compound controlled by his brother. Well, at least in that portion of that compound.
Where I am now is Val’s territory. So maybe there is more. Reading Jay’s diary, I know that there are two outer rings around the central bunker. The pit where the beas
ts see the light of day is the center of it. The question is: who controls those outer rings? Will we need them?
I need to find a way to talk to Val alone. I need her knowledge about this place. She’s the only one I know that might actually leave the compound, and can get us through the rights. If they still trust her. To be sure, I need to make sure that no one’s attention is on her, which means I have to leave the safety of her territory.
I need to let White know that I am pregnant again, which means a lot of prodding and probing, but when I have that behind me, I will have to show up in Val’s laboratory, and that’s when we can talk.
Good thing about handing myself...about handing us over, is that he won’t hand me over to any other beasts to give it a try. And Val can help me hide the fact of why my pregnancy will be safe this time.
I know it’s silly to write about that. I know that I am pregnant, even before any test can show, but I just know. I feel different. And it’s not because I had sex, because I saw Jay. Yes, I feel better because I did... it’s hard to explain.
So, I will need to wait for official proof, like the lack of my period. The only stupid thing is, they thought I just had a miscarriage. I need Val’s help more than I thought. And I will need to wait longer than I had hoped. But that might give me more time to make White believe that he finally has got me. And more time to protect my child, give it time to grow and be strong once we escape. To make sure it survives.
XXX
There is nothing I can do but wait and it’s making me restless, but that’s the only thing I cannot be. I can’t overflow with energy; I can’t appear like someone who wants to be active. I need to be that scared little girl I was when White’s men brought me in. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done, because I’m not used to it. I’m used to being silent and quiet, someone who crawls into a hole.
Val came to check on me earlier, but I haven’t told her what I already know and what her test will find out sooner or later. She came during a time when we couldn’t speak. I don’t think that I was ever this frustrated in my entire life, and I have realized that I was used to accepting things. I accepted everything. My parents’ divorce, my parents’ behavior towards me, people’s indifference towards me, even being kidnapped and thrown into a hole, just to be dragged out, blindfolded and chained for a beast to molest. I accepted everything. I even worried about Jay more than myself that time he scarred me for life.
It’s not that I suddenly have a grudge against him, after all, that behavior did save me. No, I just realize that I am not that person anymore.
I can’t tell what exactly happened and I won’t say that it’s because of the physical changes I am going through. Well, maybe a little; but somewhere along the road, slowly I have changed without really knowing it. I am not accepting things anymore, and right now this is dangerous for me. I have to find a way to keep my cool and not lash out. And right now that’s all I want to do.
During Val’s examination I clenched my fists so hard that I made myself bleed. I didn’t even notice until she left and the scent of blood was still lingering. I had thought it was the samples she had taken, but it was me. I hurt myself because I didn’t want to growl at her, because I didn’t want to lash out and hurt her.
I probably should be scared of myself, of what I might be capable of, but I’m not. For me I’m still the same person and I do know myself even better than before. I know I can control myself. And I have to thank Jay’s diary for that, too. Because I know what’s coming, I know what to expect.
The only thing that does worry me, honestly, is the next time I will meet White. Because my very first impulse, when thinking of him, is that I want to rip open his throat. But when Jay is able to withstand that urge, I should be able, too. I only need to remind myself of what is at stake: our freedom. And as alluring as the idea is of ending his life, I will have to wait. Wait for the right time.
If my patience just wasn’t running out.
Day 155
I didn’t expect what was happening today. Sometime in the afternoon when usually Val’s probing was scheduled again, she entered with you know who...White. I don’t know if it was her choice to join us or if she insisted to make sure that I wouldn’t turn beast on him. However, it did work. I was so confused that I didn’t get angry. At least not instantly, and by the time that feral creature inside of me started scratching, I was in control over my thoughts, if not my feelings.
It’s still interesting. I keep spending time reading books, along with it Jay’s diary, and I can relate to what he wrote about the beast in him. Strangely enough I seem to be more aligned with mine. Maybe it’s because I got infected in a more natural and slower way than he had? Or maybe it’s just a girl thing.
So, there were both of them, and whatever rage could have built up inside of me when White entered the room, it was blown right out of me when I saw Valerie right behind him with a calm expression. It did help me to stay calm, although I knew that it wasn’t what White was looking for in my features, when I met his eyes.
I tried to appear worried. I tried to do my best of channeling the girl I was before, and shrink down my size, slowly sliding further down my blanket. After all I hadn’t aged much, less than half a year, he couldn’t expect me to be all disciplined and saluting him.
What he wanted from me was far more interesting.
“Are you feeling well enough for a walk, Meghan?” He asked me, and a part of me wished that he just get on with it and gave me a number; only to realize that he didn’t know and I restrained myself from saying anything.
My answer was a weak nod. Despite what happened yesterday, he still treated me as if I was sick, or weak, or both. I didn’t mind and acted on his expectation. Slowly I pulled my blanket aside and moved as if I was in pain. Since I already was wearing my socks, all I needed to do was get into my sneakers that lacked their shoelaces. I reached down, distorted my face and slid my feet inside one after another, noting that no one stepped in to assist me. Not that I was shocked by that fact.
White hadn’t told me where we would be going and Val didn’t say anything until I made a step towards the door: “You should throw on a sweater.”
I nodded the same way and turned around to the closet and got out the only one I had: a greyish cardigan that reached down to my knees and covered half of my hands. Now as I write this, I remember that this is a piece of clothing that could have come right out of my own wardrobe. Maybe it did. Now it was overly comfy and hindering the movement of my arms, but I went along with my act and pulled it around me tightly.
Still, I am not quite sure if I remember it right that White did indeed hold the door open for me, but not for Val. I guess if he had allowed her to walk through secondly I wouldn’t believe it.
Call me paranoid, but in that moment I knew that he was up to something. My senses were on high-alert and the problem about that was and still is that they are becoming sharper and sharper. At least it feels like it. Maybe I should just start to try them out, so that I’m not drowned in what I’m sensing again.
I could smell his cologne as if it was foul stench, just as Val’s shampoo and her softener. For about a whole minute straight I had to blink several times, because the light in the corridor appeared so bright.
Thankfully, White didn’t notice, as he was too lost in hearing himself talk with that voice of his which still hurts my ears when thinking about it.
The memory is enough to get the spider goosebumps crawling down my back that only stops when I shake myself long enough.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that right then and there, so I walked next to him tensing up, and ironically this must have sold him on my performance, playing the insecure and intimidated college girl he had tossed into his own version of hell.
“I want to give you a look around to where you will be working until you have recovered enough to... continue your task,” White explained to me.
Somehow I was able to ignore his almost awkward indication of me
having to continue his breeding project and only listened to the first part which made me absolutely curious. Crazy enough that I didn’t dread what might come. I was looking forward to it.
Along the way Val was following one footstep behind, mostly because the corridors weren’t wide enough for us three to walk side by side. I have to take that fact under consideration, it might come in handy.
I couldn’t really listen closely to what White was rambling about. He talked on and on about the fact that he was working for the greater good, bringing good soldiers back from the brink of death for them to be reborn as something greater, something more powerful, like the barbarians of old that were able to channel the power of the animals and enemies they consumed. He warped a lot of mythology, about totem animals, spirit animals and what else. The more he talked about it, the more excited he seemed to become, and the more certain I became about his state of insanity. Not that I wasn’t already aware of that, but it was just unbelievable. I’m sure at some point he compared himself to a shaman of the modern times, harnessing science to give fallen warriors the literal power of animals to serve their country.
I was so stunned in disbelief that I wasn’t even able to laugh about it, or shake my head. I still can’t.
How can anyone put such a madman in charge?
He’s literally a real life insane scientist, a mad genius. Because honestly, who else could achieve something like this? Giving a human the possibility to harness abilities and attributes of animals? Creating some sort of were-creature? A shifter? The only thing he didn’t consider is the fact that humans might not be capable of handling this change, that they would not instinctively or rather miraculously adapt to their changed bodies?
The Beast In Us (The Beast And Me Book 3) Page 8