The Way Back

by Carrie Mac

  “Check out this pantry.” Jordan gestured to a skinny door off the tiny kitchen.

  Pantry or closet, Colby wasn’t sure. No window. But fairly big. For a closet.

  The other bedroom was beside the pantry, overlooking the street. “This would be your room, Jordan.” But already, Colby was imagining it as hers.

  “I’ll sleep in that pantry thing,” Jordan said. “You have this one.”

  “No!”

  “I like it cozy. I can fit a double bed in there. Hang some lights. Make it into my love palace.” Jordan laughed at herself. She’d only had one proper girlfriend. Before Meadow Farm. And that hadn’t lasted long.

  “I can’t take the bedroom, Jordan. This was supposed to be your and Milo’s place.”

  “I’m giving you the bedroom. It’s the chivalrous thing to do. Besides, you and Luna need the room. I just need a bed. Hell, a single would do.”

  “Not forever.”

  “Let me do this for you.” Jordan put her arm around Colby. Luna mewled, her eyes opening. “Let me do this for you. And Luna Grace. You know that I want to, right? And I won’t take no for an answer. Seriously, Colby. I’m offering to go into the closet for you. If only so that I can make jokes about coming out of the closet every morning.”

  Gram cried when she drove Colby and Luna and their trunkload of things to the new place. But when she saw the tidy little apartment, and the room that would be Colby and Luna’s, she kissed Colby on both cheeks and told her that she could come home anytime, especially for dinner.

  Gram didn’t mention Gigi, and Colby didn’t ask. Colby hadn’t spoken to her since they’d argued about the jewelry box. She knew that Gigi was coming and going from Gram’s place though. Food gone missing. Her clothes piled atop the washing machine, waiting for Gram to take pity on them. Makeup strewn in the bathroom. Wet towels on the floor.

  Colby held on to these little signs of life, pocketing them like so many morsels of hope. Gigi was still there. In the shadows, maybe. But not gone.

  the fox and the moon

  If Colby didn’t think about Gigi or her dad, she could almost pretend that nothing was wrong. She had a home and people who loved her and a little baby who was her entire world. She was content. Maybe for the first time in her life. Or since her mom died, anyway. Sometimes Colby fantasized that her life was a lot like this before her mom died. Peaceful and busy. Filled with life and people and joy.

  Colby was thinking about this one morning when there was a knock at the door.

  It was her social worker, Mr. Horvath.

  “Hey.” And even though she’d dodged him since Luna’s birth, she opened the door wide. She had nothing to hide. “Come on in.”

  Mr. Horvath hesitated, one hand on the doorjamb. “Not the reaction I expected from the girl who disappeared.”

  “Sorry.”

  He shook his head. “Why’d you give me a fake address?”

  “Well, you found me now.”

  “I had to track you down through Jordan’s mom. Not impressed by your disappearing act, Colby.”

  “In the flesh, standing in front of you. Asking you in.” Colby stepped back, bowing slightly. “Come in. Please.”

  “This is where you’re living?”

  “Yes.”

  “Your name is on the lease?”

  “Yes.”

  Mr. Horvath was still frowning. Colby started to get nervous. He had the power to take Luna. What if he didn’t believe that everything was as awesome as it seemed?

  “You were doing so well there for a while, Colby.” Mr. Horvath shook his head.

  “I’m still doing great.” Colby’s voice rose. “Me and Luna are doing great.”

  “The urine tests and parenting classes and twelve-step meetings are not optional, Colby.”

  “Look, test my piss, if you want. I’m clean.” It came out angrier than Colby intended, but she was really scared now. “I’m sorry, Mr. Horvath. I just…I just, I don’t know. I just hate that shit. I don’t want to be the ex-junkie mama. I just want to be a regular mama, you know?”

  “But you’re not. You are an ex-junkie.”

  “I know, but—”

  “But nothing, Colby.” Mr. Horvath put a hand on her shoulder. “Most teen mothers in your situation don’t leave the hospital with their babies. And the stunt you pulled, leaving early?” He shook his head. “The nurse wanted me to apprehend Luna immediately. I assured her that you’d been clean for a long time. I hope I was right.”

  “I was clean. I am clean. I’ve been clean since Meadow Farm.”

  “Which is why you have your daughter with you now. And you were doing really well, coming in regularly. Going to meetings.”

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Horvath.” Colby heard a catch in her voice. “With the move, I just…I’m not sure. I’m sorry.”

  “Well. Apology accepted.” He stepped into the apartment, his eyes doing a fast sweep before Colby could hide anything. “Who else lives here?”

  “My baby’s father, Milo. And Jordan. They both bat for your team.” Colby tried a smile.

  Mr. Horvath stared at her. “And how is that relevant?”

  But then a different look came across his face. He looked confused. “Wait a minute. Milo’s the baby’s father? Isn’t he—”

  “Gay.”

  “How—” Mr. Horvath caught himself. “No. None of my business. Rude to ask. Sorry.”

  “I was hoping that he’d jump the fence.”

  As if he’d heard them talking, Milo opened his bedroom door and stumbled out.

  “Who’s he?” Milo yawned.

  “My social worker.”

  “And what do you want?” Milo crossed his arms, suddenly defensive. “We’ve got everything Luna needs. Even two parents. Hell, three, if you want to count Jordan, who is about as good with babies as someone can be. How many of your teenage moms can say that the dad is in the picture, huh? How many? And you know what? None of us are using drugs. We even smoke outside. Look around! You won’t even find an ashtray. So? What are you doing here?”

  Mr. Horvath held out his hand, “And you’re the—”

  “Gay baby daddy.” They shook hands.

  “Mr. Horvath. Nice to meet you.

  “So, you’re the fantastic Mr. Fox.” Milo grinned. “Let me give you a tour of our very baby-friendly little abode. I think you’ll like Colby and Luna’s room the best.”

  Colby trailed behind them as Milo upsold the apartment as if it were something out of an interior-decorating magazine. And while Milo had done a nice job of kicking some life and color into the few drab pieces of furniture they’d got from Gram’s, it was still just a dingy East Vancouver rental.

  Then he opened the door to Colby and Luna’s room.

  Jordan and Milo had gone all out for this room. One end had a little sitting area, with a comfy chair for nursing and a little area rug and a big, glowing orb of a hanging lamp with fairy lights strung from it as if it were the full moon in the night sky, keeping watch.

  Milo had covered the old chair with soft purple fabric. He’d found material for curtains with the same purple in it and tiny silver stars. It was Colby’s favorite place in the apartment, followed shortly by Luna’s corner of the room.

  “Foxes,” Mr. Horvath said quietly.

  “There’s yours.” The little plastic fox sat on the windowsill above the crib, keeping watch. “The first one.” Colby pointed to two stuffed foxes perched on the change table. “See? No stuffies in the crib. We read about that. And no crib bumpers either. Not safe.”

  Milo had photocopied images of foxes from children’s books and framed them in mismatched thrift-store frames that he’d painted pale purple.

  “You still need to do random urine tests, Colby. And the parenting classes. And the meetings.” He picked up the fox that Colby had stolen from him so long ago. “And we need to talk. Make a plan for you and Luna. Everything seems perfect here. It does. But I know that perfect is pretty hard to maintain, especia
lly as an ex-junkie.”

  “I’m not an ex-junkie.” Colby felt a tightening in her chest. “I’m a recovering addict.”

  “You going to NA meetings?”

  “No.”

  “Then you’re still an ex-junkie.”

  “I went to rehab!” Colby nearly shouted. “I told you, I’m clean. It’s not fair to keep calling me a junkie.”

  The door to the pantry creaked open and Jordan popped her head out.

  “Everything okay?”

  “No. My social worker thinks I’m still a junkie.”

  “Ex-junkie,” Mr. Horvath said. “You can’t do it by yourself, Colby. And it’s part of your parental agreement, if you remember the papers you signed when you got back from rehab, when you decided to keep your baby? Urine tests. Twelve-step meetings. The Nobody’s Perfect Parenting Program that you haven’t signed up for.”

  “I know. I just couldn’t do it.”

  “Not an option,” Mr. Horvath said. “It’s a condition of you having custody of your child.”

  “What?” Milo turned to Colby. “You were supposed to be doing stuff? I didn’t know.” He spoke to Mr. Horvath now. “If I had, I would’ve made sure she did all that. I’m sorry, Mr. Fox. We’ll get on it. Immediately.”

  “Mr. Fox? I’ll admit, that’s cute.” Mr. Horvath set the fox back where he’d found it, which helped ease the panic in Colby’s throat. “And I appreciate your sentiment, Milo. I do. But Colby is the one who has to do the things expected of her. You can do the parenting program too. And the twelve-step meetings. That’d be awesome—”

  “I will. Totally will.”

  “—but I need Colby to do it too. Willingly.”

  Luna yawned in Colby’s arms, stretching her tiny fists into the air.

  Colby smiled down at her. She put her finger to Luna’s cheek. “I meant to. I guess I’ve just been—”

  “Super busy,” Milo cut in. “There’s a lot to looking after a new baby.”

  “Yeah,” Colby said. “And I’m in love. Totally and completely in love. With Luna Grace. At first it was just full-on baby, you know? And then, once we moved out of Gram’s place, it felt like a new start. And I didn’t want to bring any of the old stuff along. I can’t even imagine going to some stupid twelve-step meeting. It’s like it’d make everything dirty. When it’s so nice and clean, you know?”

  “Well, see that you do get out the door to stupid twelve-step meetings. And the parenting classes. And for the pee tests.” Mr. Horvath made for the front door. “You’re not the first recovering-addict/ex-junkie teenage mom I’ve had dealings with.” His tone softened as he continued. “But I will say that I have a lot of hope for you, Colby. You have a really good thing going here.”

  steps

  The parenting program was lame. Colby had an incredibly strong gut instinct when it came to Luna. Starting with leaving the hospital early and ever since, she was positive that she knew best. She liked to think that it was because her own mom had been the same way, but Colby couldn’t know. She couldn’t ask her dad. And there was no one else.

  The other girls in the program—there were a few dads, too, but they mostly sat silent, slouched in their chairs, looking bored—seemed so nervous about their babies.

  Not Colby. She knew exactly how she wanted to do things. Take feeding, for example. Colby was the only one who nursed. And she planned to for as long as she could. That’s what her boobs were for, after all. All the other girls gave their babies bottles. And they left them lying in their strollers for hours and hours at a time, crying, while they texted on their phones and smoked and were generally nasty skanks.

  Nobody’s Perfect was entertaining enough, she supposed. Milo came with her, and he camped it up to the point where the other guys hated him and his Super Gay Daddy act. But he made Colby laugh.

  The twelve-step meetings were pretty good though.

  She could admit that.

  Held at the Legion by the SkyTrain station, it was full of freaky East Van folks. Jordan and Milo came with her, and Luna too, usually asleep in Colby’s arms.

  At first they sat at the very back, in the last three chairs on the right. They spent the whole meeting whispering and laughing about what everybody was wearing. Or saying. Or doing. Or the color of their hair. Or what they had pierced.

  But then one day a woman met them at the door. She was tiny and skinny, with short-cropped hair and a full sleeve of tattoos down each arm, of trees and crows and sky. She looked tough, but her smile was welcoming enough.

  “Hey. I’ve noticed you guys. Acting like brats at the back of the meeting.” She blocked their way. “You’re not going to do that today, right?”

  “We didn’t—” Milo started to protest.

  “You did.”

  “We weren’t actually being—” Jordan started.

  “Mean?” The woman cocked her head to one side. “Yes, you were. What low-life assholes come to an NA meeting to tear people down? A room full of people trying to get clean or stay clean. Really. That’s super low.”

  “We’re really sorry,” Colby said. “We thought no one could hear us.”

  “And that makes it any better?” She glanced at Luna. “What are you teaching your kid by being so mean?”

  “Hey, now.” Jordan bristled. “Leave Luna out of it.”

  “But she’s part of it, right?” The woman held out her hand. “Shauna. And you are?”

  “Jordan.” Jordan put a protective arm around Colby. “This is Colby. And that’s Milo.”

  “And Luna.” Shauna put a finger on Luna’s arm. She cooed at her, which surprised Colby. “My youngest is almost one.” She looked up at Colby. “You need hand-me-downs?”

  “I…uh…” Colby wasn’t sure what to say. She’d just been scolded by the very same woman who was now offering her hand-me-downs for Luna? “Yes. We could use some more sleepers, for sure.”

  “Honey, I have a garbage bag full of really cute stuff. My sister buys gorgeous things. You’ll love them. Not all pink either.”

  Colby laughed, still nervous. She knew the scolding part wasn’t done. She waited, unsure what to do next.

  “This is the deal.” Shauna stepped away from the door. “You’re welcome in, but not if you guys pull that shit at the back. Tonight you sit at the front. With me.”

  bracelet

  That’s how Shauna came to be Colby’s sponsor.

  And reliable source of excellent hand-me-downs, the best being a sling that Colby could tuck Luna into and have her arms free. She used it all the time, and it made doing things so much easier. Instead of dragging the stroller onto the crowded bus, or being passed by the bus because it already had its limit of strollers and walkers and wheelchairs, Colby could get on any bus with Luna snugged into the sling.

  Colby was on the bus heading to her appointment with Mr. Fox, which was how she thought of Mr. Horvath now. He didn’t mind the nickname, and most times he gave Colby one of his toy foxes to add to Luna’s collection.

  That day, Colby had one for him. As a thank-you for everything. It was an antique playing card with two foxes on the back. She’d bought a frame for it at the dollar store and set the card against a piece of dark brown paper, so that the orange of the foxes really stood out.

  She was very pleased with it and was holding it in her lap, admiring it, while Luna slept in the sling.

  “What’s with the foxes?”

  Gigi.

  At first, Colby didn’t know what to say. She was taken aback by Gigi’s appearance.

  She was gaunt, with dark shadows under her eyes and sores all over one side of her face and down one arm.

  “Gigi?” Colby whispered her name. She reached out and took her hand, gingerly, guiding her into the empty seat beside her. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah.” Gigi leaned her head against Colby’s shoulder and closed her eyes. “No. It doesn’t matter.”

  Luna looked at the stranger beside them. She giggled. She could almost sit up by h
erself now. She reached out a hand, but Gigi didn’t see.

  “Where’ve you been?”

  “Around.” Gigi roused. She dug in her purse. “I have something for you.”

  “Nothing sketchy, right, Gigi?” Colby checked to see who was watching them. “Don’t ask me to hold anything for you. Nothing to do with drugs. I’m clean now. I don’t want to mess it up.”

  “I get it.” Disappointment flashed across Gigi’s face. She pulled out a tiny square of folded paper. “I get it, Cole.”

  “Sorry.” Colby wished she hadn’t said anything about drugs. “It’s just… I get tested. Like, that’s where I’m headed right now. I don’t want them anywhere near me or Luna.”

  “I said, I get it.” Gigi stood up. “Here.” She pressed the piece of paper into Colby’s hand. Before Colby could look at it, Gigi dug in her purse again. She pulled out the child’s bracelet from the jewelry box. The jewelry box they’d fought over. She held it out, dangling it on one finger. “Here. For your baby.”

  “For your niece.”

  “This is my stop.” Gigi let the bracelet drop into Colby’s lap.

  “Where are you going?” As she stood up, Colby grabbed Gigi’s thin wrist. “Come with me. My social worker is great. I can get you into rehab. Come on, Gigi. Stop living like this.”

  “I like my life, okay?” Gigi pulled away and wobbled toward the back door. The bus stopped. The door didn’t open though. Gigi pounded halfheartedly on the glass. “Back door! Open the back door!”

  The driver opened the door, and Gigi stumbled out. Colby pressed her face to the window and mouthed, I love you.

  Gigi stood there for a moment, almost glowing with decay against the dirty gray concrete, and then she made the I love you sign back.

  Everything

  “I don’t know about this,” Jordan said. Colby, Milo and Jordan were about a block away from the house.

  In Colby’s pocket was the bracelet.

  The only thing left from their haul.

  Colby was going to give it back.

  “Why don’t we just mail it?” Milo said.