The Guardian: A NOVEL

by Pamela Ann

  Memories came crashing down like embers from hell, bright and blazing, but never permanent, vanishing into the abyss, leaving me a speck of soot, staining my soul, forever marking my heart.

  Tears came next. I cried for what was lost and what might have been, for the past that had strangled me since birth. I wept, sobbing for feeling so alone. Loneliness was something I was accustomed to. I was akin to it. It had been my constant companion, but tonight … I wished it away, hoping it would leave me in peace for a time.

  In my miserable half-asleep state, I heard a stifled ring echoing from my cell phone that was in my purse at a distance. I left it somewhere in the room, but I wasn’t quite sure where.

  It’s probably on the floor, I tried to vaguely recall.

  Unceremoniously, I slipped out of bed, donning only my lace thong as I squinted about the darkened room, scanning the black and white trellis patterned carpet. Alas, I found the shrilling thing sitting next to the door. The probability of me dropping it the second I got into my bedroom was likely.

  Plucking my clutch, I brusquely yanked it open and took hold of my offending phone.

  “Hello?” I grumbled at the intruder.

  “Are you coming or not? We’ve been waiting for half an hour now. Where are you, Sprinkles?” Anton’s exasperated voice boomed in my ear.

  “What time is it?” Scratching the side of my head, I retraced my steps and landed back on the bed, hoping I could catch a few more hours of peace and quiet.

  “It’s two in the afternoon, sweet cheeks.”

  Peace and quiet could wait. My friends had to come first.

  “Damn. Sorry, I overslept.” If being in a half state could be acknowledged as such. “I’ll be there in fifteen. Save some food for me please, I beg you. I’m hella starving.” Cutting the call, I begrudgingly got out of bed for the last time and headed straight into the bathroom to wash up.

  My blackout curtain did a fine job of not permitting any light coming through, but it made a mess of my body clock. Ever since I had it installed, getting anywhere on time was a challenge. Today was Netflix; how did I manage to forget that? It was a ritual for Anton and our other neighbor, Kells. Sundays were exclusively to lounge around, drink, and get fat in front of the television while watching a show the three of us agreed to. We were into Season Two of The Borgias.

  Speaking of food, I barely got a chance to nibble on anything last night since my dress was the sort where if one ate one too many fries and it would combust. Therefore, I had begrudgingly nibbled on a low-fat mozzarella stick to stave off hunger, promising myself that, once the party was over, I could happily pig out on waffles and fried chicken.

  Parker wouldn’t have appreciated that. The man was a health nut. And even though we had just begun dating, he had already lectured me of my high love and devotion for all things fatty and sugary. What human wouldn’t be enticed with chocolate? Parker, apparently, came from another planet. That was part of his charm, though. He was different from me. And while I lacked family, he had a huge one, mainly all working in the field of Orthodontics. That somewhat explained his disimpassioned hatred for sugary things. Unlike his family members, he pursued acting. The dark horse, as he nicely put it.

  Back to my present predicament, my stomach was making a loud protest. Feed me, it demanded.

  Dressed in a matching loose white tracksuit, I grabbed my phone and room keys before heading out the door barefoot, tiptoeing toward the elevator. Anton lived one level above me. His was a larger apartment with a much better view, which made it the perfect rendezvous spot for our lazy Sundays.

  As expected, he had his apartment door already cracked open, an impatient yet gracious gesture as they waited my arrival.

  “I’m here, I’m here!” I declared as I hurried into his place before securing the door behind me.

  Anton gave me a sheepish look. “How was the party last night? I tried to come, but something came up. I’m super-duper proud of you, honey. You know that, don’t you?” He clearly needed to shave his beard, but he seemed not to care, closely resembling a cub.

  Anton wasn’t one to socialize, so his excuse, or lack thereof, was already expected. As for Kells, she had worked late, so she couldn’t have made it. Her schedule deferred. If there was a music video, promotional event, or award shows, she was booked. She was a brilliant makeup artist. But even though she had a mad career, she was adamant about getting Sundays off. She said she needed it to recoup and reenergize.

  Glancing toward the other girl across the room who was clearly too keen on her waffles and fried chicken, I reverted my gaze back to my scruffy cub of a friend. “I don’t want to be rude, but can we skip the talk for a minute? Um, where’s my food?”

  Cue the angry growl of my stomach. It made me flinch in annoyance. I hated to be this desperately hungry. One should never push their body to the limits of desperation. It hadn’t been worth the dress.

  River thought otherwise, my stupid brain butted in.

  “Your grub’s on the coffee table.” Anton directed toward where Kells was situated with no care in the world, eating her heart out.

  Without much ado, I marched toward the heavenly smell and happily sighed as I sat down across form Kells. Anton had three sofas, so it gave us enough privacy while we comfortably watched our show.

  Chicken and waffles from Roscoe’s. The first bite sure felt like ambrosia on my tongue.

  “Mmm … This is the life.” My tummy happily obliged.

  “Hollywood’s going to give you an eating disorder, Cara.” Kells gave me a worried frown. “Consider yourself warned.”

  Glaring at her, I scarfed down a piece of waffle. “Don’t think so,” I mumbled before stuffing more into it.

  “Dating Parker surely would.” Kells couldn’t resist herself, knowing how neurotic and controlling Parker could be.

  Anton made an overly dramatic sigh before throwing himself on the sofa situated between us. “You can do better than that guy, but whatever makes you happy makes me happy, I guess.”

  My eyes flickered between my friends while cautiously chewing my food. They never warmed up to Parker, and the sentiment was mutual. I tried not to merge both and kept them separate. Well, as much as I could manage, anyway.

  Recognizing my uncomfortable state, Kells gave me a heartening look. “Did anything newsworthy happen last night?” Kells inquired, changing the subject before grabbing the remote and beginning to scan the screen for our show.

  Umm, nothing that I want to confess.

  Shaking my head, I turned my attention back to my food. “Hmm, no, not really. Same old, same old.” Lies. Pure and utter lies.

  “So, you haven’t had sex with Parker, then?” Kells asked playfully with a perfectly arched brow, properly displaying her amazing features, and that included her brows.

  “Not yet, no.” Was it a crime to wait? A month wasn’t enough for me to get to that point yet. Call it archaic, but what the hell? It was my body; my decision.

  “Why ever not?” Anton derided. “Don’t care much for him, but even I can say that he’s beddable.”

  Kells smirked before grinning at our friend. “At this point, Anton, you’d hump anything that has a dick.”

  He flung a plastic fork at Kells. “Sad, but true. If I don’t lose any baby fat anytime soon, I’ll forever be an emancipated virgin.”

  “Dream on. You’re as virgin as I am,” Kells interjected.

  Kells was a carefree soul, but she never failed to tangle herself with peculiar men. The last one was secretly married, and the second she had found out, she dumped the idiot. It was difficult to trust anyone around Los Angeles. People around here were a different breed of human. One surely wouldn’t know what the other person could be hiding. Maybe that was why I didn’t mind Parker so much. At least I knew what I was getting with him. Most importantly, the man wasn’t married.

  “Parker and I are fine … for the moment. I’m in no rush to get there, you know. I want to take this slow, and I t
hink he gets that.”

  “Are you sure about that? Men like Parker don’t wait out for long. They know what they’ve got, and they use it to their advantage. And that includes knowing how the opposite sex reacts and fawns over them. I’m sure he’s not short on that.”

  “I’m ready when I’m ready. Case closed.” I would know when the right time presented itself. To be honest, after seeing how badly I reacted to my ex’s touch, how could I fathom doing the deed with a man who had the quarter of River’s sex appeal and charm? True, I was attracted to Parker, but after being severely reminded of my first love, he palled in comparison.

  It was an unkind thing to do, comparing your current beau from your last. Regardless, to this day, no one came close to River. Still, I couldn’t forget how everything had crumbled due to his inability to protect me and our relationship.

  Parker was second best, and although my heart longed for the golden days of the past, there was no turning back. Consequently, I had to continue on living and see if this relationship with Parker could blossom into something worth nurturing.

  They said being positive would enhance one’s outlook on life. Therefore, I must train my mind to see the good and caution the bad in every given situation.

  Later that night, I received a call from my boyfriend, informing me that he was coming over tomorrow for a much-needed time together. He was right; there were a few kinks we needed to iron out.

  42

  CHAPTER FIVE

  “What’s your schedule like for the next month?” Parker gracefully wound his pasta with his spoon, neatly weaving it before slipping it into his mouth.

  We were having an early dinner at his stunning home in Toluca Lake. Even dressed in casual clothes, Parker looked insanely handsome, closely resembled a young Ryan Philippe, with the sex appeal to boot.

  At ease with each other’s company, I seemed reticent as my thoughts ran with the usual plight—River and our intense encounter. Though Parker hadn’t mentioned what had happened at the party, I could sense that something was amiss with him. He was curious.

  Back to the question at hand, I pondered what it entailed. Addison, my agent, hadn’t clued me in just yet.

  “I have a meeting lunch tomorrow; I’ll know then.” Particularly curious, I placed my fork down and reached for my wine glass. “Why? Is there anything in particular you want to know about?”

  “I just want to coordinate our schedules; that’s all,” he assured. “Do you have any new projects coming up?”

  Good question. Did I?

  “I’m not sure …” I lingered, wondering if there were new projects between my contracted shoots for Clover. Most actors did, but I was new to the industry. “What’s yours like? Will you be busy?”

  Parker had already made a name for himself, so his schedule was hectic compared to mine.

  He nodded before taking hold of the wine bottle and refilling both our glasses. “Yes, actually, but it’ll be shot in New York and Vegas. We can see each other whenever we have some free time.”

  Synchronizing our calendar was entailed when dating an actor. Best I got used to it.

  “That would be nice. I’d love to explore New York. I’ve been there once for a press junket, so all work and no play.” I haven’t been to many places. I should change that. With my steady checks from the show, I could travel to places I had only dreamt about.

  “I’d love to show you around. It’s one of my favorite places in the world. The scene is just different compared to here.” He grinned before toying with his wine glass, showcasing his fabulous set of teeth and great smile. “So, what were you and your friends up to yesterday?”

  “Netflix. You know, the works,” I immediately replied. He knew what my Sundays were filled with. Nothing had changed on that front.

  “You really need to socialize more,” he suggested softly, throwing me a curious stare and studying my reaction. “In fact, we’ll go out tonight so I can introduce you to a new set of friends.”

  It was the way he delivered the last sentence, like my present ones were not worthwhile.

  “What’s wrong with the current ones I have? I’d love to hear you explain yourself.” My strained voice didn’t hide how provoked I was.

  Hastily placing my utensils down, I took a moment to tell myself to calm down before my crazy came out and decided to throw the freshly refilled glass at his arrogant face.

  He shrugged, pretending he hadn’t just stated something offensive. “Nothing. Nothing at all. But if you want to be known, Cara, you know you have to mingle with your own kind now.”

  And what kind were Anton and Kells?

  Teeth clenched, hands bunch up, I was ready to raise Hell. “They are my kind. How dare you suggest I drop them because they’re not Hollywood enough in your own opinion.”

  “It’s being who’s who that matters here. You should surround yourself with people that can enhance your image—be seen and photographed with the ‘it’ people, and not with a repressed faggot and the tragic homewrecker.”

  How dare he use that against me.

  It was unfortunate he had been there when Kells unloaded her disastrous relationship. What a total douchebag move. Clearly this man didn’t know me. Otherwise, he would never have uttered that moronic nonsense.

  “Sorry, but that’s not why I began acting. I don’t want to be chased down by paparazzi and get hounded every second I’m out grocery shopping. If that’s the kind of life you strive for, then I think we should end this now before this gets any worse.” There was more to life than competing with whoever had the most social media followers. I got that they were important, but I wasn’t a shallow person, either. It just wasn’t me. “You better get used to it, or we have to rethink this entire relationship altogether.”

  “I was only suggesting. I didn’t mean to offend you, Cara.” Unfazed by my embroiled state, he reached for my hand, but I withdrew it from the table. “I’m sorry.”

  Too late. For a moment, I had thought he was different. Oh yeah, he was different all right. Not in the sense I had believed. Could he already be this rotten, or was this just a random thought that shouldn’t have been said out loud?

  “Baby, please forgive me.”

  I kept staring at him, wide-eyed and in deep thought, mind racing as to what I should do next. Goodness, how shallow can he be? Maybe he meant well, but what he said made me feel weary of him. But the question was: was it enough to break it off?

  He had apologized and seemed sincerely sorry. But God help me if Parker dared to suggest any more callous ventures down the line. I wouldn’t give him a pass for a second time.

  “I’ll forgive if you don’t ever bring this subject up again, and if you promise never to call them horrendous names.”

  The shadow over his face was replaced with relief before he got up and circled the table. Cupping my face, he placed an overeager kiss on my lips. “I promise. Thank you,” he breathed out, reassured.

  I knew it was weak of me to brush it off, but after the week I’d had—not to mention the tryst with River—I owed Parker another chance. Though I would never forget. It had showed a different Parker, one who was strategically hidden. I just hoped there would be no repeat.

  For the rest of the evening, instead of going out to meet his friends, we opted to go to the movies. And for the first time tonight, I noticed how he adored the limelight and how comfortable he was when a couple wanted to take a picture with him. I needed to get used to this. I was just glad I wasn’t all that known.

  Before heading to our designated theater, I dashed to the ladies’ room while Parker went in search of our selected seats. It was the most inconvenient time to have my monthly visitor arrive. Thank heavens for vending machines, or I would have had to trot back in search for Parker and ask him to drive me to the nearest pharmacy. I could easily see how annoyed he would be. He didn’t come off as the type to go the ladies’ aisle and purchase a box of tampons. He would most likely die of embarrassment and quit being togethe
r if someone took a photo of him and posted it on Instagram. The very image made me smile wickedly with glee as I cleaned up.

  Once finished, I exited the restroom and pulled out my phone, needing to check the time. Much to my surprise, River’s name stared back at me. He had left me a message.

  Staring at the screen, I was out of breath as my shaky fingers punched the message tab to open the folder. I just saw his name; why in God’s name was I shaking like a blizzard had just hit me?

  Hello, it’s me again. I know you’re probably sick of me, but I just wanted to say that I’m boarding soon and wanted to let you know that I’m leaving LA. You probably don’t care, anyway, but I felt like I should tell you. Anyhow, it was good seeing you again. I hope you’re okay. I miss you.

  He missed me. That single line brought a fresh wave of melancholy. Lamenting on what once was and what had been lost, I willed myself to tuck my phone back into my purse and not respond.

  Though I sat next to Parker for the next three hours, him holding me close, my mind was elsewhere. It was drawn to him and what he might feel knowing he would never get a reply from me.

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  The Torn Series Order:

  Scornfully Yours

  Scornfully Hers

  Frayed

  Blasphemous

  Undeniably Yours

  Scorned

  Fixated On You

  Unveiled

  Crushed

  * * *

  The Chasing Series:

  Chasing Beautiful

  Chasing Imperfection

  Chasing Paradise

  Chasing Forever (Lucy & Toby)

  Chasing Mrs. Knightly: Epilogue