When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  As I push myself into a standing position, I remember the feeling of opening the door and seeing him there. I can’t even remember what I was wearing, how done up I was, all I can think about is him. He’s grown up into an undeniably sexy man, even better than he was as a teenager, so much so that I was stunned. That’s all that really changed, I don’t need to be all dramatic about it and think that everything is different, I was simply surprised. Now, the next time I see him, I’ll be much more used to him and I won’t even need to talk to him much. I can simply treat him with the cold contempt that he deserves. Even if he did say sorry…

  I groan to myself, feeling the power of that apology once more. Mandi was right, his words did mean something. He wouldn’t apologize if it wasn’t something that’s been troubling him for a long while. Maybe he’s been thinking of me over the last five years, wondering if he’ll ever get the chance to make it right. It’s just a shame that he didn’t return six months ago before I met Patrick and started dating him.

  Urgh, as soon as those words fill my brain I feel bad about myself. I shouldn’t be thinking anything like that. It doesn’t matter when Zane came back, we aren’t meant to be so it isn’t ever going to happen. Trying to make something happen between us is crazy when we’re so wrong for one another. I met Patrick for a reason, he’s the one that I’m supposed to end up with. And maybe we can even make our spark more intense, if we just work on the chemistry side of things then we’ll finally have it all and I can shut everyone up once and for all.

  I have the sudden urge to speak to him. Usually we text in the morning and throughout the day before sharing a phone call in the evening on the nights I’m not at his place, but today I want something more.

  Ring, ring… ring, ring… ring, ring…

  I chew my thumb nail and pace the room while I wait for him to answer. It seems to take him forever…

  “Hey, Leah.” He sounds rushed and panicked. “What’s going on? Is everything alright?”

  “Yeah, yeah, everything is fine. I just wanted to say good morning to you.” I cradle the phone close to my ear, trying to let him warm voice soothe me. I really need to feel him. “How are you feeling today?”

  “Erm… I’m okay.” He sounds unsure. “I’m just getting dressed for work. Are you sure nothing has happened?”

  “Can’t I just ring you up to say good morning?” I let out a little laugh, but the sound is strained. I guess I’ve never noticed how much Patrick’s routine annoys me before. Mostly because it lets me know what’s expected of me and it means I don’t have to worry that I’m not communicating enough, but it doesn’t leave any room for spontaneity. This feels a little more restricting than dependable. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  “Oh, no it isn’t that,” he replies, much too lightly. “I’m just running late this morning that’s all.”

  “Oh right, I’ll go then.” His words are like an ice cold bucket of water racing over my head. “Sorry.”

  “No, it’s fine, honestly, Leah.” I think he feels bad now, which I don’t want either. I honestly just want to hang up on this call and to pretend it never happened. “Are you coming over tonight? I’ll cook us something nice.”

  Okay, to be fair that’s a nice offer. It isn’t usually a night I would stay over but Patrick must sense a neediness within me. As long as he doesn’t work out where it’s coming from, I’ll be fine. I smile to myself, thinking about that lovely sensation of being in his arms while we mindlessly watch a box set or two.

  “That would be awesome, thank you,” I reply warmly. “What time shall I come over?”

  “I’m going to the gym after work…” I roll my eyes. Of course, he is. “You can meet me there if you like?”

  Urgh, I hate this. I know that Patrick doesn’t pressure me for any other reason than he wants me to be healthy like he is and he assumes that it’ll be something fun we can do together, but I don’t want to. I hate gyms, I don’t like the machines, the smell, the judging eyes, the competitive stench in the air…

  “I think I’m working a bit late tonight,” I blatantly lie. I never work late. “There’s a bit project on at the moment, but I can meet you at your place afterwards?”

  Sensing that he’s lost… again, Patrick caves. “Sure, sounds good. I’ll see you later on then.”

  That’s good. As I hang up the phone I realize that tonight is the night I can try and bring new things into our romantic life. I can drag a park out of both of us. It has to be there somewhere, something brought us together and has kept us that way for all this time. I just need to remind us both what it is.

  With a small whistle to myself, I head downstairs to grab myself some breakfast. Plans are forming in my mind, I make the decision to be the dominant one tonight to see if that makes a difference. I don’t think either of us are dominant really, we’re both quite laid back, which may be the issue… there’s something in common!

  “Oh, hey there. You woke me up.” As I hear this voice, I jump. The house is dark, I assumed that everyone else was still in bed. Who the hell is sitting on the couch without the lights on? “How’s it going, Leah?”

  Shit, I would recognize the way that he says my name anywhere. This isn’t supposed to be happening! I know I just told myself that I’ll be fine seeing Zane again, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon, while I’m unaware. I’m in my pyjamas, I have no make-up on, my hair is everywhere… I don’t have anything defensive to protect me.

  “H… hi, Zane,” I stammer, sounding just as idiotic as last night. “What are you doing here?”

  “What a fine welcome that is,” he teases while leaning across to illuminate the room, revealing all my humiliation. I suck in a deep, panicked breath but I can’t do anything to stop it. Luckily, Zane continues as if I don’t look like a crazy bird’s nest. “I crashed here last night, me and Brandon went a bit nuts.”

  I chuckle, relaxing my shoulders as it seems like Zane isn’t really paying much attention to me anyway. “Just like the good old days, hey? I bet Jenny loved that, seeing you two in all your glory.”

  “Actually, she left pretty early. I don’t think she could handle in.”

  I nod slowly, desperately scanning my brain for something to make this a bit less strange. I don’t want to wake Brandon up early, I know how long he suffers his hangovers for and it isn’t ever a pretty sight. “Do you want some breakfast or do you end up sick all day long like Brandon does?”

  “He really can’t hack his booze, can he?” Zane shakes his head and chuckles. “Foolish boy. Yes, some breakfast sounds amazing if you don’t mind. I’d love a bit of cheese on toast.”

  I have enough time before work, I can make that happen so I wander into the kitchen with him not too far behind me. In a weird way, this is just like the night of Brandon’s party where I felt acutely aware of every inch of his body, despite everything else that was going on in the room. Luckily, it’s different now though. I haven’t just slept with him and I’m not just about to get my heart destroyed. It’s all absolutely fine.

  “So, did you see anyone last night? Didn’t you go to Kings? It gets really busy there…”

  As I say that, I realize it’s been a while. Mandi doesn’t go as much as she used to because she has her own home to afford and she’s all loved up, and Patrick isn’t keen either. I suppose he doesn’t like it that I know lots of people and he doesn’t. he often ends up sitting alone while people chat away to me.

  “I did, but it would have been better if you were there,” Zane replies boldly. “You should’ve come with us.”

  My brain immediately conjures up the scene of that happening, and it makes my breath catch in my throat. Maybe I should’ve, it definitely would have been a good night. Patrick wouldn’t have minded either as long as he didn’t have to come. He certainly wouldn’t have seen any danger of me hanging out with my brother, but that’s because he doesn’t know about my history. He hasn’t ever asked and I haven’t volunteered the information.
<
br />   “Mmm, maybe I will next time,” I reply evasively. I know I can’t, because I cannot trust myself, but Zane doesn’t need to know that. “We’ll see how it goes.”

  “Good, because it would be much more fun to have you there. The night was missing you.”

  I spin around, wanting to look Zane in the eyes as I work out what this means, and I find myself staring upwards at him. I guess I wasn’t as in tune with him as I thought I was because he’s practically right behind me, his body almost touching mine. Now that I’m aware of him, I can feel a fizzing and a sizzling racing through me, he has my limbs totally locked in position because I’m frozen to the spot, locked in by him.

  He reaches forward and touches my hip, reminding me so much of that night I’m practically shocked back into it. I’m almost sent flying back into the past where I’m an innocent sixteen year old girl about to lose my virginity to the boy I think I’m going to marry. The sensation is shocking, it makes me shudder visibly. I can’t hide what he’s doing to me even if I want to, and Zane knows it. His smug smile says it all.

  “Yes,” he murmurs in a very sexy voice. “I’m sure it would have been better with you there last night. I can think of millions of fun things that we could have done.”

  I’m drawn to him, like a moth to a flame. I can almost feel myself rising up onto my toes to kiss him, to defy everything that I know I shouldn’t do, just because I really want him.

  “Hey.” Brandon’s voice bursts through the room, shattering the magical moment completely. “What’s going on?”

  Chapter Eighteen – Zane

  Leah leaps backwards as if she’s been electrocuted, her entire face flames a bright shade of red. She’s giving us away, making us look guilty, and we didn’t even do anything. Maybe just a little bit of flirting and some touching. If it were up to me, we would have done a whole lot more. It’s a shame we didn’t get the chance.

  “N… nothing,” Leah stammers. “I was just making breakfast but now,” she makes a dramatic show of looking at the clock. “I’m late for work so I’m going to have to get going. You can finish it yourselves.”

  She pushes past me and Brandon, running as if she can escape what just happened. I didn’t expect to see her this morning, I never thought I would get the chance to start on my plan to get her back, so that was a nice treat. I don’t mind waiting for her, she’s worth it. I’m more than willing to play the long game.

  “What was that about, mate?” Brandon asks with a cold tone as soon as we’re alone. “That was odd.”

  “I don’t know.” I shrug, trying to act innocent. “Like she said, she was just cooking breakfast.”

  “So, why did you need to be so close to each other?” His hands crosses his chest. “Should I be worried?”

  Yes, I want to scream. Worry away because I’m going to make her mine somehow. We’re going to be together.

  But I don’t say that. Not yet, now isn’t the time. Me and Leah are nowhere near that place yet and I’ve only just got Brandon back into my life. I don’t want to fuck all of that up until I know for sure.

  “Don’t worry about anything,” I insist. “Except maybe breakfast burning. I was just coming to help. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed it, but your sister isn’t the best cook in the world. She gets distracted.”

  “Oh, well…” I can see Brandon wavering. “I suppose I do know that Leah’s a terrible cook.”

  “Exactly.” Relief floods me. I’ve gotten away with it again. I’m still quite amazed that I got away with it the first time around. “So, sit down and let me finish making the food for you, unless you aren’t hungry…”

  “No, I’m starving.” He rubs his belly greedily. “Thank you. That sounds awesome. Cheese on toast?”

  I smirk because Brandon remembers that about me. There are so many times he could’ve forgotten that. Just because I cherish the memories of our teenage years together, doesn’t mean he has to. It’s awesome.

  “You know me, always cheese on toast. That okay for you?” He nods. “Good, now you take a seat.”

  We make small talk for a while as I cook, and continue to do so as I plate up the food. This is odd, it used to always be Brandon cooking for me. I guess I never realized back then that I could take a turn every now and again. I just didn’t think about it because my mind was always on something else. I’m glad I get to do it now.

  During this time, I learn the basics of what Brandon’s been up to over the last five years. We probably shared all this information with one another last night, but I can’t really remember it, and if I can’t there’s a chance he won’t either. We just kept drinking, and drinking, and drinking. It was mental, but fun.

  Then, once Brandon is finished I give him a vague outline on my life as well. I suppose over time we’ll get to the nitty gritty of things but for now this is enough. It catches us up at any rate.

  Leah doesn’t come back up again until I’m ready to leave. As I shrug my jacket on and I make some disparaging remark about having to face the two people who haven’t ever really cared about me, Brandon’s expression turns deadly serious. I don’t even think what his problem might be, I just dive right in.

  “Is everything okay, mate?” I ask him kindly. “You look like you have something on your mind.”

  “Yeah, I do.” He nods a bit too rapidly. I can tell this isn’t going to be good. For a moment, I brace myself expecting him to tell me that Jenny hates my guts and that she doesn’t ever want him to see me again. Much as I’ll hate that, I’ll have to respect his decision to choose whoever he wants. But thankfully, it isn’t that. “It’s Leah, she… she’s a good girl. She hasn’t always had it easy, you know that. Dad dying and Mom not being around much hit her hard. I had to step up and be there for her.” I don’t know where he’s going with this, but it doesn’t feel good. “I don’t ever want her to be hurt, okay, that’s my main issue. I think she has a good guy in Patrick.” Urgh, Patrick. I haven’t even met him and his name makes my skin crawl. “I don’t want that ruined. I don’t want anyone to get in the way of someone who makes her happy, do you understand what I’m saying to you?”

  Then, he gives me a deep and meaningful look. One that actually makes me uncomfortable. He’s warning me away from Leah without actually having to say the words. He doesn’t want to destroy our friendship but he wants me to get the message all the same. In a way, this makes me absolutely have to respect what he wants.

  “Oh sure, I get that.” I smile blandly. “I know exactly what you mean.”

  But on the other hand, he’s just turned the girl that I already want into the most exciting, taboo thing in the world, and I hate to still be that guy, but the sensation is delicious. I will try and keep away for the sake of my friendship but Brandon has just made it that much harder…

  “Right, I’m off to face the ‘rents,” I reply, keeping things normal. “I will see you very soon.”

  ***

  The intense sense of dread fills my chest the moment that I pull up in my parent’s driveway. I don’t want to face this, I would much rather burn off on my bike in the other direction, but I can’t put this off forever.

  I sigh deeply and take the awful walk up to the front door, expecting the worst. As I go, images of Leah pop up into my mind, filthy images that I really shouldn’t be thinking, especially after the promise that I just made, but I can’t help myself. She’s a delicious juicy piece of forbidden fruit that I just want to sink my teeth into.

  Stop that, I warn myself. I just promised Brandon and I also have to get my head in the game.

  This isn’t going to be easy, I’ve only seen them a handful of times in the last five years and it hasn’t ever been fun, but I’m a damn adult now. I can face whatever shit they throw at me head on.

  My heart thunders as I reach up to open the door, all the familiarity that I acquired last night flows out the window, but I stick on my brave face and I wander in confidently with my head held high.

  “Oh, my goodne
ss.” Mom races to my side with excitement. “You’re home. We were expecting you yesterday.” She gives me a smile, but it doesn’t touch me. Once upon a time I used to feel sorry for her because of the situation that she finds herself in. Now, I just blame her for being weak. She’s brought this on herself. There are so many times she could have stood up to him, so many ways she could’ve escaped his clutches. But she didn’t. “How are you doing, son? It’s so good to have you back. This house has been so quiet without you…”

  “It won’t be for long,” I tell her right away so she knows. “I already have somewhere to live sorted.”

  “Oh.” She furrows her eyebrows. “But what about the job your father has lined up for you…”

  My shoulders immediately hunch up around my ears as a tension claims me. Why didn’t I see this coming? Now, I’ve walked right into my father’s controlling trap. He’s going to think that he has me now and that yet again, I’ll do whatever it is he wants, but this time I don’t have to. I have resources of my own. I’m a free man now, I’ve worked towards creating a foundation for myself, and thank God. I can escape.

  “Hello, Zane.” Dad enters the hallway with that familiar smug look on his face. “It’s good to have you back.” He doesn’t need to give me shit about not coming home yesterday because in his mind he has something better. “I’m sure your mother has already told you that I have some important things to talk to you about.”