When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  I part my lips wanting to argue, because it wasn’t just because of that… but the words don’t come. I can’t lie, if Zane hadn’t come back here, me and Patrick would still be together, but I would also still be at my job. Just because he sparked the changes, doesn’t mean I broke up directly with Patrick for Zane.

  “Oh, fucking hell, what is going on, Leah? When the hell did you lose your head? I wasn’t worried about you before, I assumed that you were just going through some stuff, but now I’m really freaked out.”

  I roll my eyes and throw my hands in the air in frustration. “Brandon, I don’t want to be a bitch but this isn’t really any of your business. What I do, who I date, it’s up to me. I’m twenty one now, I’m old enough to make my own decisions in life, and that includes who I date. Right now, I want to be with Zane.”

  Zane smiles at me as I make something of a sweeping declaration of my feelings for him. I hope that he understands that I can’t say too much because I don’t want to wind Brandon up further, but I do have strong feelings for him. I know for a fact that it could turn into even more if we have enough time.

  I reach out and grab onto Zane’s hand to show a united front. I hope that with Jenny by his side, Brandon will calm down once he realizes that this is serious. This is more than he assumes it to be.

  “Oh, hell no,” Brandon yells the second Zane’s skin brushes against mine. His entire face turns a shade of purple, “There’s no way I’m going to stand for this. You cannot act this way, either of you, you’re fucking done.”

  It’s almost as if a red mist descends in front of his eyes as Brandon rolls up the sleeves to his shirt. He looks like he’s gearing up for a fight, which is crazy. I haven’t ever seen him fight before, even when we were younger. We can’t have pushed him this far, he cannot seriously be this against us together. I always knew that my brother wouldn’t like it, and I’ll admit the way he found out isn’t ideal, but surely, he’ll listen to reason.

  “Brandon, wait, no.” I press my hands into his chest, trying my hardest to stop him. “Don’t do this. Please, let’s just go down stairs and talk about this properly. Don’t do something that you’ll end up regretting.”

  Brandon looks at me for a moment, and for a split second I think I might have got through to him. But then he swings his fist back and he flies past me at a million miles an hour. Everything’s a blur, I barely even know what’s even happening anymore. Not until I hear a scream coming out of Jenny’s mouth, telling me that something terrible has gone on. I snap out of my stupor and turn to face the mess behind me.

  “Oh my God.” I clap my hands to my mouth as blood spurts out of Zane’s nose. “Brandon!”

  “Brandon, mate, just stop it. Neither of us want to fight.” Zane tries to be kind, despite the fact that he’s been hit in the face. “Let’s just leave it for now and talk about it later, okay? We need to calm down.”

  Zane tries to push past my brother to get out before things get worse, but Brandon’s on fire now. He shoves Zane violently until he crashes into my desk, knocking everything on it to the floor. One of my photo frames smashes loudly as it hits the ground. Thank God all of my college work is at Zane’s house or I’d be mad.

  “Fuck you, Zane,” Brandon growls. “I don’t ever want to speak to you again.”

  I don’t know what happens next, I can barely see it. Fists fly in every single direction as Brandon lashes out and Zane does what he can to defend himself. I keep trying to get in the middle of them to separate them, but I’m pushed to the side every single time. They’re determined not to let me stop this.

  “Just get out of my room,” I eventually yell. “Stop fucking fighting.”

  I know now that Mom can definitely hear this. There’s no way that she doesn’t know there’s a fight going on down the hallway from where she is. The fact that she isn’t in here tells me that she doesn’t care. She’s so mad at me and she hates Zane so much that she’s willing to let this just play out. That makes me so furious I could scream. I need to get out of this house even more so than before. I truly hate it here.

  Zane tries to escape. I don’t think he really wants to fight, even though he’s had some truly terrible things said to him tonight, but Brandon follows him. They fight through the hallway, they lash out down the stairs, and I can even hear things crashing about as they stagger towards the front door.

  “Stop it,” I scream over and over again. “Why won’t you just stop it?”

  Jenny holds onto me, she prevents me from going downstairs and getting in the middle of it again, and I sob into her chest. This day has gone so far downhill that I don’t know what to do with myself. I already knew that all my life choices weren’t going to be very popular, but I had no idea they would cause this reaction. The blood spots all over my bedroom carpet will always remind me that I’ll never be accepted.

  “I’ve never seen Brandon like this,” I weep against her. “It’s so horrible.”

  “I know, I know,” Jenny reassures me as best she can, rubbing her arms comfortingly up and down my arms. “But he cares about you so much. This is all because he cares about you.”

  I don’t want to hear that, I know that much. I’m aware that my brother’s intentions are good but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I just wish that none of this had happened. It’s all my fault, I’m the one who lost control. I’m the one who pounced on Zane and encouraged him to have sex with me. If I hadn’t, if I’d just behaved while we were inside my home then none of this would have happened.

  “We need to stop them fighting,” I insist. “We can’t let this carry on. Someone will call the cops in a moment then we’ll all be in major trouble. We have to stop them before they hurt themselves.”

  Jenny reluctantly follows me down the stairs. I can tell that she’s scared too, but she’s trying to keep her distance because she doesn’t want to end up in trouble. She’s seen me getting thrown to one side more than once so she wisely knows that there isn’t anything that she can really do. But I’m still determined.

  As soon as my foot reaches the bottom step, I hear Zane’s bike roaring to life. I race to the door, staring hopelessly after him as he races away. I’m glad that he doesn’t look too hurt, but I can’t believe he’s leaving me.

  “And don’t you ever come back!” Brandon yells, with blood splattered down his torn shirt. “I don’t ever want to see your face again. I know lawyers, don’t you forget that.”

  A hot tear leaks out of my eye as hopelessness encases me. This is horrible, I never wanted to create any of this. I just wanted to be happy, I don’t know why that’s too much to ask. It isn’t fair.

  “And you,” Brandon growls as he sees me. “You aren’t ever going to spend time with that idiot again, Leah. You can do much better than him.”

  “Brandon, you don’t understand,” I wail, still needing to make my point. “I want him.”

  He looms over me, and for one second, I fear that he might be about to take his temper out on me too. “No, Leah, you don’t want him. He’s horrible. No good for you. If you are going to insist on being with him and making all these terrible life choices then you need to go. You need to get out of here. Me and Mom cannot be a part of it any longer, it just isn’t right.”

  I watch hopelessly as he goes inside, leaving me with nothing but heart ache. He’s right, I suppose, I can’t expect to live around my family if they don’t like what I’m doing. I was going anyway, but now I really have to leave. It kills me, but I can’t stick around any longer. It’s time to make my life my own.

  Chapter Twenty Eight – Zane

  I pace up and down my apartment furiously, anger racing through my veins. I cannot believe that just happened, I’m absolutely stunned to the core. I knew Brandon wasn’t going to like me and Leah but to say all those awful things about me was too damn much. I even let him do it, I didn’t complain despite everything, I let him say it and it still resulted in a fight. I’m angry and I’m hurt. I didn’t wan
t to ever lose him.

  Knock, knock.

  My eyes snap up as I hear a soft knocking at my apartment door. My immediate thought is that it’s Brandon come to apologize, but then I remember the sheer fury in his gaze as he physically attacked me and I know that it won’t be. I really don’t think that we’ll ever be friends again. It’s gone too far now. Even when we used to argue occasionally in high school it never got violent. I don’t think there’s any turning back.

  I swing open the door to see Leah standing in front of me, giving me sad, wide eyes. “I hope it’s okay that I’m here,” she questions me. “I don’t want to impose, I just want to see how you are.”

  I sigh loudly, hating that it’s come to this. “I’m okay, just a bit gutted to be honest.”

  She leans up onto her tiptoes and wipes some of the blood away from my nose. “You don’t look okay.”

  As I step aside for her to come in, I notice that she’s got a large bag with her. “Are you here to stay?”

  She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. I don’t want to come here if I’m not welcome.”

  “So, things didn’t go any better with your brother then? I thought that you would make up.”

  “No, he really is pissed off.” Her eyes flicker towards the ground, sadness crosses her expression. “And after you left, Mom got involved as well. She finally came out of her room to yell at me. She told me that if I wanted to throw my life away then I needed to leave. She’s very angry at me right now.”

  I reach out and wrap my arms around her. However hard this is for me, it’s worse for her. She’s losing the only family that she has over me and it sucks. “Maybe this isn’t a good idea,” I murmur, hating myself for pushing away the one really good thing that I have in my life. I don’t want to lose Leah, but I don’t want to make her life hard either. “Maybe we should separate while everyone calms down. Maybe…” I close my eyes, trying to stop the sadness from overwhelming me. “Maybe we shouldn’t be together at all.”

  Leah shoves me roughly, forcing me off of her. “Are you actually kidding me?” she snaps. “Please tell me you’re joking! You aren’t going to throw us away when things are so damn good between us.”

  “I don’t want to… I just want to make it easier. I don’t want you to lose everyone.”

  “So, you would rather let other people dictate us? That’s what you’re saying. You’d rather listen to Brandon and my mother and split up because they aren’t happy? Yet, you’re happy to defy your parents to do what you want with your life.” She cocks her head in my direction. “Is that because you aren’t happy with me?”

  “Oh no, it isn’t that at all! I’m really happy with you.” I hold out my hands to her but she refuses to take them so eventually I let them drop. “I just want it to be pleasant all round. I don’t want everyone to hate us.”

  “Zane, I don’t think you get it,” she sounds angry now. I feel terrible because I don’t want to hurt her. I’m just going round and round in circles trying to do the right thing. “I love you. I want only you.”

  Love… that word blows me away. I haven’t ever heard it before and I’ve never said it either. I wouldn’t until I know for certain that it’s the truth, but as I think about it the more I realize that I feel the same way.

  “I don’t expect you to say it back,” she snaps as I’m silent for far too long. “I just want you to know how I feel. I want you to understand why I’m so serious about this and why I’m digging my heels in.”

  She stands in front of me looking vulnerable, and I can hardly blame her. She’s just lay her heart on the line and I haven’t given anything back. Mostly because I’m too stunned for words. But now I need to man up and speak. I can’t lock my emotions down, I can’t be a closed box, I need to finally let it free.

  “I love you too,” I insist. “I do, I really do. I think that I’ve loved you for years, actually. I just haven’t understood it enough to vocalize it,. It’s something that I should have said so much sooner.”

  As we look at one another, I realize the truth of that. I should have. It shouldn’t have taken this horrible situation for me to reveal my feelings. I’m gutted that the first time we’re saying the ‘L’ word is during all of this, when I have blood on my face because I’ve been fighting with her brother. This is all so wrong.

  “I should have too,” Leah whispers. “I’ve been holding back for far too long, I’m sorry.”

  I take a step, closing the gap between us and I hold her to my chest again. She rests her head against where my heart is, probably listening to how it’s pounding like crazy. This has officially been the craziest, up and down day that I’ve ever had. It started out so normally and it’s ended up with everyone knowing about us and us sharing our feelings of love. My head and heart are spinning like crazy, I barely even know what I’m doing anymore.

  “So, where do we go from here?” I ask Leah quietly. “If we’re in love and everyone knows, what do we do?”

  “I don’t know,” she murmurs back. “But can I stay here, just for tonight? I don’t want to go back.”

  “Leah, you can move in here, that offer still stands. I want you with me all the time.”

  She pulls back to look at me. “Are you sure? I’m not going to push myself on you.”

  “Leah,” I chuckle. “I love you. It’s only ever going to be you. You want to just stay here for a while until you find your own place, that’s fine, but if you want to move in and never leave, I’m cool with that too.”

  She giggles weakly, still looking incredibly sad. “You’re awesome, do you know that?”

  “Why don’t you go and take a bath, make yourself comfortable, and I’ll make us some dinner. I don’t know about you, but all I want to do is eat some crappy food and sit in tonight. Yeah?”

  She nods happily, agreeing with me. “Thank you so much. I do want a bath, thank you, that means a lot.”

  As I move into the kitchen and I pull some food out of the fridge to cook, I realize that this doesn’t have to be all bad. I mean, it isn’t great now, things are all over the place, but that can’t last. Brandon and his mom can’t stay mad at Leah forever, they’ll have to make up. Especially if they see how serious we are. Once me and Leah prove our love to the rest of the world they’ll have to start accepting us. To be honest, I’m pretty sure that the problem is me and my reputation from all those years ago. I guess only time will show that I’m not who I used to be. I suppose because Brandon was always there before, he saw me at my worst. Now I need to show him who I can be at my best. I truly do love Leah, and all I want to do is make her happy. I would do anything for her, I would literally give her anything, and I just want Brandon to see that. One day he will. It might take some time, but he will. I’ll make sure that a long as Leah wants me, I’m going to be the best man for him.

  I start whistling to myself as I picture a magical future between me and Leah. I see things that I never thought my future would hold. I even think about marriage and children, something I never thought would be real. Not for me anyway, and certainly not at this age. But now, the idea doesn’t scare me just as much.

  With Leah in the bath and me cooking dinner, we’re already in a real domestic situation anyway and I really don’t hate it. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like I’m finally really settled. I never thought I would like the sensation of being tied down, but with Leah it’s awesome. I’m happy to have a ball and chain.

  “You okay?” I call towards the bathroom. “You need anything in there?”

  “I’m good, thank you though,” she calls back to me. “That’s really nice of you.”

  She sounds a little more relaxed now which is great. At least she has a safe haven to come to, I’m glad that I can provide this for her. It’s the first step in the rest of my life in making Leah happy.

  ***

  Leah’s head lolls against me as she drifts off into a sleep on the couch in front of the TV. She’s been dipping in and out of sleep for hours
, I suppose the emotional exhaustion has been getting the better of her, and I’m more than happy for her to get rest. After the day that we’ve all had, some shut eye will benefit us all. I could do with getting some rest myself but at the moment my brain is still spinning too quickly. My head is all over the place.

  I smile to myself as I look at her angelic face, feeling an intense sense of satisfaction. Much as it sucks, I have her here in my arms now which is wonderful. This is all I want in the world. Just Leah, nothing more. Leah in my own apartment where she’ll be living for the foreseeable future.

  I lean my head back and think deeply, trying to work out the best way to act now with Brandon. I don’t want him to hate me more now that his sister has effectively picked me over him because it’ll only be for the time being. She doesn’t want to cut her family out of her life forever, like I’ve done, I can see that a mile off. The fact that she is so desperate for her family almost makes me want to make things right with my own. Or at least my mother. Maybe I’ve been a bit pig headed and stubborn, maybe I should give her another chance.

  This is madness, I think to myself. Utter madness. What are we going to do?

  I don’t want our love to hurt everyone else, I just want it to be this beautiful thing that we can enjoy. It’s a shame. But if I have to fight, then I’ll fight. If I need to battle for Leah then that’s what I’ll do. As complicated as it is, she’s worth every damn battle. I just hope that we all come out of it without too many battle scars. I hope the cuts don’t run too deep and we can’t recover on the other side.