When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  I was for a while, until Mom got sick, but I don’t want to bring all of the serious stuff back up again. This is supposed to be fun. I need to forget for just a while.

  “Well, to bring back some memories, I brought a couple of cans with us so we can have a drink.” He pulls some tiny tins out of his pockets and squints at the label. “Although I think it might be cider, not beer. Will that work? Sorry, I just grabbed whatever.”

  I giggle and take one from him before I move over to the tire where I always used to sit. A lot of the time it was next to Rory, but I don’t want to think about him now. I want to create some new memories with another man who won’t be around forever. “That’s fine.”

  Brandon sits opposite me and we drink in silence for a moment. I watch the sun setting behind the trees behind him, giving him an awesome twinkle that manages to make him even more handsome. If I could come back to the teenage version of me and show me the man that would actually be interested in me, at least for a while, I don’t think I would’ve believed it. Mind you, I definitely thought that Rory was the one so maybe I wouldn’t have cared.

  “So where did you drink?” I ask, changing the subject quickly.

  “The park near my house. Me and my buddy, Landon. We used to think that we were wasted off of two cans. Silly really, looking back. We did think that we knew it all, but we were just foolish. I suppose all it was about then was impressing the girls.”

  “I guess you’ve changed so much,” I tease with an eye roll. “Now you’re so much more mature. How about Landon? Is he still the same?”

  “I don’t know, actually,” he says wistfully. “Somehow, even with the world of social media, we managed to lose touch.”

  I nod slowly, knowing that feeling well. But then again, I’ve purposely lost touch with people because I don’t want to see what they’re doing. I don’t want them to know what I’m doing either. “Yeah, I see.” I screw up my nose and put the can down. “So is there anything else you’d like to see? There’s much more to this place than just the dump.”

  “I suppose I’d like to see your old school, if that’s okay? And anywhere else that’s important to you.”

  “Hmmm, well the school has moved building now, so there isn’t much I can show you there…” I tap my finger thoughtfully on my chin as I try to work out what might be suitable right now. “But what about the lake?”

  “There’s a lake?”

  “Damn right, there’s a lake. It’s awesome too. I can’t believe you haven’t seen it yet. Come on, let’s go.”

  I grab his hand excitedly and tug him along with me. The lake is a beautiful, incredible place, it’s impossible not to like this town once you’ve seen the lake. This is perfect, Brandon will absolutely love it, I cannot wait for him to grow as excited as me…

  “Oh,” I say in shock as we stand by the lake. “I guess I haven’t been here for a long time. It used to be so much nicer. There used to be flowers, and… other stuff.”

  “It’s nice,” Brandon lies as he wraps his arms around me from behind. “Or at least, I can see that it used to be. Did you use to hang out here a lot?”

  “I remember feeding the ducks here with my mom,” I reply softly, forgetting all about keeping the serious stuff at bay for a day. There’s just something about Brandon that makes it far too easy for me to open up to him. “It was so lovely then.”

  Brandon’s lips move over my neck, making me shudder slightly. Butterflies flapped all over me. “And I’m sure it will be again someday.”

  “Yeah… maybe.” I don’t want to hold out too much hope because aside from Brandon’s little project which isn’t improving the town it’s changing it, no one seems to care about here anymore. “We’ll see.”

  Brandon spins me around to look at him with a cheeky glint in his eyes. “You know what we should do?” he gushes excitedly. “We should go swimming in it.”

  “Are you serious?” I laugh. “It’s probably freezing! And the water looks quite dirty. And also we have no swimming stuff. There’s no way we can go swimming in there.”

  “No, I know that, we could skinny dip…” But his words trail off as he looks at the water, finally seeing what I see. “Oh, maybe not. You’re right. It does look a bit grim. Maybe we should just sit beside it instead. Drink in the atmosphere, and not die from probably radiation poisoning… although maybe we would end up with super powers.”

  “Yeah okay. Let’s do that instead. I think all the powers are gone.”

  Brandon sits down and I perch on his lap with my arms around his neck. I glance down at him before dipping my head in to kiss him gently. Despite the dirty water and the tainting of my memories, it’s actually a perfect moment. The sun is dipping down, giving the world an orangey glow, and I’m here with the most amazing man I’ve ever met in my life.

  I could fall for this man, I think with his lips against mine. I honestly could fall in love with him.

  Chapter 10 – Brandon

  “So, do you agree to the extra budget?” Hank asks me, sounding a little bit annoyed now. “I need an answer today. Do you think maybe you could take a look?”

  “Oh, sorry.” I drag my eyes away from my cell phone screen where I’ve been looking at possible auditions for Lola to attend in the city for the past hour. I don’t know many people myself, but my dad does which means the Heath-Smith name will open doors she wouldn’t be able to alone. “Yes, I agree with that budget. Sorry I’m so distracted.”

  Hank gives me a look as if he wants to say something, but he doesn’t quite manage to get words out. “Yeah, sure thanks, boss. I’ll get on it right away.”

  “Hold on, Hank.” I stop him from going. “Wait a minute. Is there something you want to say? You look like you have something on your mind.” He shifts his feet awkwardly and won’t meet my eyes. Clearly this isn’t something that I’m going to like. “It’s okay, Hank. I won’t get offended. Whatever it is you have to say, just say it.”

  “It’s just…” He breathes deeply, steeling himself. “I’ve heard all sorts of amazing things about you, work wise. I’ve heard that you’re a real demon.”

  “Okay?” I have no idea where he’s going with this, but I’m intrigued.

  “It’s just that you’ve been very distracted while you’ve been here. It hasn’t always been easy to get anything out of you, you know? At first I thought you must not want to be here in this small town. I know that it can’t be a very interesting project for you, but now… well now I’m starting to think that you might be in love.”

  At the L word, I grab onto my phone and I shove it back into my pocket so Hank can’t see what I’m researching. I don’t want him to think that I’m trying to help Lola or that I want to bring her into my life more long term. He won’t understand that I’m just trying to be kind, to help Lola do what she so clearly wants to do with her life. It doesn’t mean I’m falling for her or that I want to drag this out.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I shoot back firmly. “But I’m sorry. I will take your notes on board and I’ll be more alert while I’m here from now on.”

  Hank nods awkwardly, blushing as he realizes that he might have overstepped the boundary with me then, and he walks off leaving me alone to stew in my thoughts. Yes, I like Lola, but I certainly don’t love her. Just because I’ve spent far more time with her than any other woman in my life, doesn’t mean anything. She’s just the only interesting thing in this town, that’s all. I won’t have Hank stir me up like that.

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  I glance at the screen to see Lola’s name there. My initial sensation is my heart skipping a beat, but then I realize that she’s distracting me at work again. I don’t want to speak to her when I’m here anymore, I do need to focus if I don’t want to let my father down, I need to separate her for my fun time, that’s all.

  Oh damn it!

  I hit answer, unable to completely ignore Lola. She has a pull inside my chest, a tugging sensation that
draws me in, even when I know it’s bad for me.

  “Hello?” I ask a little breathlessly. “Lola, everything okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah, sure.” I cradle the phone to my ear as I soak in her lovely voice. I get so wrapped up in her words that I don’t notice her sad tone for a while. “Erm, it’s just my dad. He isn’t great today and I think I might need to take him to the hospital. I just wanted to let you know so you don’t turn up tonight and I’m not there. I don’t know how long I’m going to be…” She sounds guilty, which breaks my heart. None of this is her fault. I’m so glad I answered the phone now! I would feel guilty forever, if not.

  “Oh no, that’s fine. Is there anything I can do for you? Do you need driving or anything?”

  “No, it’s okay. Dad’s in the car now and I’m just about to take him.” The concern falls off her tongue. “Just… letting you know.”

  “Will you please keep me up to date? Anything I can do I want to be there.”

  “Oh yeah of course, I will do, thank you.”

  Once she hangs up the phone I start thinking about costs. I know there isn’t much that I can do for Lola and her father, but they might not have health insurance either. If so, that’ll cost them a fortune… I know she won’t want me to, but I can pay it for her. If I do it without her knowing then there’s nothing she can get upset about. Hopefully she won’t even realize, if she has a lot going on it might not even hit her.

  I move away from the building site, which is now starting to look a lot more like the pictures than it did last week, and I make another call. Only this one to the local hospital. I speak to a receptionist there about forwarding Mr. Boots’ medical bills to me. Of course she won’t agree to it, since I’m not a family member, but she tells me if I can make my way down to the hospital within the next twenty four hours with a method of payment, she’ll sort it out with me. Relief floods me as she gives me something to work with.

  I then ask her if there’s a specialist on board, which of course there isn’t because it’s such a small place, which gives me something else I can focus on. I can help find one, and pay for the specialist treatment to help her dad. I don’t like problems I can’t solve, that isn’t practical enough for me. When I have something I can do, I feel useful.

  “Is everything alright, boss?” Again I’m faced with Hank, the man who just told me my mind isn’t on the prize enough, and I’m distracted again. “You look… stressed.”

  “I… I’m sorry,” I reply with a sharp shake of the head. “I know I’m not supposed to be distracted anymore, but something has come up and it’s something that I need to deal with.”

  “I didn’t mean any offense when I said that, boss. I honestly didn’t.” Hank looks taken aback and I can hardly blame him. “It’s just… well, if you’re in love then we all know what we’re up against. It’s not a bad thing, we just know that boring details about a building can’t compete to that of a pretty face.” He pats me on the arm. “We’ve all been there, boss.”

  I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. I know I don’t love Lola, and that I can’t ever love her even if I want to, but I can use that as an excuse for now. “Yes, I suppose that is the case. I don’t know why I didn’t just say that before. Now she needs me. She has a family medical emergency to deal with. I think I need to be there. Can you handle everything here?”

  “Oh, I can handle it, don’t you worry about that. You just go and make this girl fall in love with you too… if she isn’t already.”

  I can’t dignify that with an answer, I just need to get the hell out of here. I give Hank a grateful smile and I race to my car. I probably could walk to the hospital, but I want to get there quickly. I need to speak to the receptionist I dealt with on the phone, I want to catch her while she’s still on the desk so I can get the bill dealt with in a quick and discrete manner.

  Once I hop into the car and I race towards the hospital I realize that looking at all these auditions, there isn’t any way they can happen here. I might want her to get everything that she’s ever dreamed about, and I might be the one who can open the right doors for her, but she really is stuck here. Her father needs her.

  The realization that there isn’t any other option for us hits me hard, making me consider my feelings deeply. Maybe I do like her in all the ways that I’m not supposed to which is very hopeless. I never wanted to be the sort of guy that fell in love ever, I certainly don’t want to be the guy who falls in love with someone who I can’t be with.

  I might have to distance myself from Lola once all of this is done. Maybe, for both of our sakes I need to stop seeing her quite so much. We are acting too much like we’re a couple. It isn’t healthy for either of us…

  ***

  “Thank you,” I say with relief to the woman as I get my credit card back. “Now you have all my information, you can take the payment once it’s all done.”

  I feel good knowing that I’ve helped. I’ve also asked the receptionist not to say anything to Lola or her father. I want this to be an anonymous donation, nothing more. Especially if I don’t want to deepen things between me and Lola. I don’t want her to see what I’ve done as a sweet thing and for her to feel deeper for me. If she’s falling for me it’ll be impossible for me to not fall for her.

  “Thank you, Sir. All is done. Very kind of you.”

  “Kind, but secret,” I remind her. “Thank you.”

  With a deep sigh of relief I take a step backwards and my shoulders sag. Now that I’ve done what needs to be done, I’m back to not knowing what to do with myself. This sensation is so strange, in the city I always know what to do. I’m never stuck, feeling hopeless and a little lonely. Everything about this town is really messing with my mind.

  Now, I guess I could go back to the building site, I could see how Hank and the others are getting on, although I know they don’t really need me, or I could head back to the depressing motel room staring at the blank, four walls. Urgh, no, even the idea of that place makes me want to throw up. It’s just a shame that I’ll have to spend more time there now. I can’t stay at Lola’s anymore if we’re going to be a bit more separate. I better get used to it.

  I spin on my heels and start moving towards the door, preparing myself for what’s to come. But before I make it to the door, a hang claps over my shoulder which make me jump. For some reason, the sensation that I’ve just been caught doing something naughty fills me right up. My heart pounds, my stomach churns, my lungs squeeze tight…

  And then I see her.

  “Lola?” I gasp, feeling even worse. She isn’t supposed to know that I’ve been here. “I… I…”

  “What are you doing here?” she asks in a shocked voice. “Did you come to see me?”

  “No,” I shoot back rapidly, before realizing that’s stupid. What other excuse could I have? “Yes. I don’t want to intervene, I just want to check that you’re okay.”

  She doesn’t look okay to me, she looks more stressed than I’ve ever seen her before. But I don’t point that out.

  “So why are you walking towards the door then?”

  I hang my head in shame. What a mess I’ve gotten myself into! “I guess I just thought you might not want to see me. I’m sorry.”

  Chapter 11 – Lola

  I pause for a moment as shock races through my system. Not only am I stunned that Brandon is here, but I’m also completely freaked out that he thinks I might not want him around. We’ve been growing closer, getting more connected to one another, learning and opening up. It’s starting to feel like maybe it could be more than it’s supposed to be.

  “It’s okay that you’re here,” I tell him softly as I slip my fingers through his. The warmth of his skin feels wonderful against mine. “Did you want to come and meet my father?”

  “It isn’t really a good time, is it?” he asks cautiously. Is it me or does he actually look scared? “I don’t think he’ll want to meet me while he’s in the hospital, will he?”

  “
He’s out at the moment. High on a lot of drugs and mostly asleep. So, I guess you won’t really be meeting him… but I could use some company if you don’t mind. Unless you have to get back to work, of course? I don’t want to get in the way of business…”

  “I’ll come with you.” His face breaks out into a smile but I can still see the anxiety there. I feel bad for him, I didn’t mean for him to be frightened. “Anything to help, you know me.”

  I lead him down the hallway, moving out of the way when a stressed looking doctor followed by two trainees push their way past us. This place is way too understaffed, it’s a travesty really, but I suppose people in a small town getting sick just don’t classify as important as the people in the city. Not that I’m bitter or anything…

  “Right, this is the room,” I whisper once we’re outside. My heart thunders in my chest, I can feel it bashing painfully against my rib cage, but with Brandon’s hand in mine it doesn’t feel as bad as it was ten minutes ago. “Are you ready to go inside?”

  He peers through the door to see the frail man my dad has become. I don’t see him that way myself because I remember the strong, powerful force of nature that he was once upon a time. Especially when Mom was alive, I think when she died he gave up fighting for everything so much and became susceptible to illness. I might be wrong, but that’s how it feels most of the time. Now, he’s lying in that bed, attached to an IV drip, on really high pain meds that have knocked him out. It’s utterly heart breaking for me.