When wrong feels so right

by Mia Ford

  “Hey there, Boss,” Sandi, the young lady that’s been hired as my personal assistant purrs at me. Her red lips pout out as she forms her words. “How did your meeting go?”

  She leans her hands on my desk, giving me a glimpse of her plump, voluptuous breasts. She wants to lure me in to something naughty and taboo. She wants me to start a sordid work place affair with her. In all honesty, once upon a time I definitely would have been up for that. Why wouldn’t I? She’s hot, got a rocking body, lots of fun, perfect for a man like me who doesn’t want to settle down. I know she doesn’t want to either, she’s only in it to help her climb the corporate ladder. That wouldn’t usually make any difference to me.

  But now, I don’t want any of it. Now, I just want to be left alone.

  “It went okay.” I rub my head hard. “The usual, it’s just given me a terrible headache.”

  “Oh yeah? You want me to go and get something for you? I can pop to the drug store?”

  “No, don’t worry about it. I’ll get something on the way home.”

  “Well, you need to get your head sorted if you’re coming out tonight. It’s the night of the year, isn’t it?” She bangs her hips against my desk and smiles once more. As I glance up at her she winks playfully at me… but I feel nothing. Not even a stirring. She just doesn’t do it for me at all. It’s a shame, I’d like to move on, but I don’t think I can. “You have to be there.”

  “Why do I have to be there?” I ask, completely bewildered. “What is it?”

  “Oh come on, it’s Franko’s birthday. You know that’s always a crazy night.”

  Franko, one of the accountant guys always lets lose on his birthday. He throws a massive party and goes really wild. I know that because I’ve been here forever. I’m usually the one who makes it crazy, but not this year. I don’t want to be a part of any of it. I’m much too tired for any of it. The idea makes me feel a bit queasy.

  “How do you know that? You haven’t ever been to one of Franko’s parties,” I chuckle mirthlessly. “But yeah, they are pretty wild. I don’t know if I’ll be there, maybe I’ll try.”

  Sandi rolls her eyes at me. “Oh come on, don’t be so boring. It could be a whole lot of fun.” She breaths deeply and lets her eyes go heavy lidded. “You never know what will happen on a night out with work colleagues.” I grab a stack of papers and flick through them at a rapid pace, trying to indicate that the conversation is over, but Sandi doesn’t get the hint. “Would you like to see what I’m going to wear?”

  I don’t even answer her. She pulls out her cell phone and scrolls through it until she comes to a picture of a very low cut red sparkly dress. There’s even a slit in the side that will reveal all kinds of thigh. It’s hot, but still not enough to tempt me.

  “Very nice. I’m sure you’ll look lovely in it.”

  Sandi steps back and she gives me a curious look. “You aren’t anything like your reputation, are you?” Her hands fall onto her hips. “I heard that you were lots of fun… if you know what I mean? Like, I heard that everyone looked to you for an awesome time.”

  I sigh loudly and let my head fall into my hands. I don’t want to be having any sort of conversation where I have to think about who I used to be. That version of me is long gone, I don’t know how to get me back. I don’t know if I even want to get that version of me back. I don’t know who I want to be anymore.

  “Yeah well, I don’t know what’s happened. All I’m trying to do is to get by in my work…”

  “Well that’s boring,” she whines. “I want the fun version of you back.”

  “You are my PA,” I reply, maybe a little too firmly. “I just need you to help me get my work done. I don’t want to think about anything outside of the office right now, do you understand?”

  I expect her to look hurt by my remarks, but she doesn’t. She simply rolls her eyes again and stalks out of my office to her own desk, her heels clicking nosily the entire way. Once she’s gone I slump back in my chair and I pause thoughtfully. Lola has ruined women for me, and I bet she doesn’t even know it. A few weeks with her and I’m turning down a sure thing with a hot young chick. I bet she isn’t turning down men for me.

  But then again, I can’t imagine Lola being a one night stand, flings everywhere kind of girl. If she’s found someone, then he’s probably the one for her. Not just her boyfriend now, but her fiancé. Maybe even her husband. She might even have a round belly by now with a baby inside. Maybe she doesn’t even think of me anymore because I’m nothing more than a distant memory.

  I am supposed to be someone awesome and I’ve had that stripped from me. Maybe I shouldn’t be missing Franko’s party because of some woman I met a very long time ago, maybe I need a palate cleanser, someone to have a bit of fun with, and maybe Sandi is the perfect girl for that.

  I push myself into a standing position with a determined look on my face. The image of a pregnant Lola with her husband by my side makes my head ache more and my heart hurt. I need to get rid of those feelings, they aren’t helping me at all. I can’t keep succumbing to them over and over again. I need to get back to being me, no matter what it takes.

  “You know what.?” I say as I pass Sandi’s desk. “I’m headed home now. I’ll get something for my head from the drug store on the way then I can feel better for tonight.”

  “You’re coming to Franko’s party?” Her eagerness almost makes me want to laugh. “Oh my God, that will be amazing. We will have such a great time.”

  “Yeah, we will.” My voice is thick with promise. She can take that as she likes. “It’ll be a night we won’t forget.”

  Then I leave with positivity filling me. Falling in love didn’t work out for me and I don’t think that being the thing becoming a big business man either. Maybe just being the fun loving party boy is all I’m meant to be. Maybe I’m not supposed to make my dad proud, instead I’m just supposed to spend his money having fun and dulling my emotions. That sounds much better to me anyway. Much better than moping and sitting at home alone, looking at my walls, wondering where it all went so wrong. My life isn’t wrong, I am wrong at the moment. But I can be right again.

  Tonight, at Franko’s party, I will be reborn as myself. I cannot wait to see where that will take me.

  Chapter 17 – Lola

  “Okay, Dad?” I ask him cautiously as I help him sit into the chair. “You feeling okay?”

  “Yes,” he lies through his teeth as his butt hits the chair hard. “I think so.”

  “The specialist had a lot to say, didn’t she?” I ask desperately. I need him to connect with me, I really need to find out how he’s been feeling. I didn’t take on the third job at the local store to pay for his treatment just to not get anywhere with him. I need to know what he’s feeling now. “She had some good advice. Don’t you think?”

  “I suppose so.” His head falls backwards and his eyes roll to the back of his head. “It’s just hard to take it all on board when I’m in so much pain.”

  “Well she gave me a new prescription for you.” I scramble around in the bottom of my bag, trying to locate the piece of paper. “She said this would help with the pain. Do you want me to go and get it for you? I can head out to the drug store right now.”

  He nods and lolls his head to one side. I think he must need some sleep. These days het gets really tired very quickly. Everything seems to take it out of him. As I push myself upwards until I’m standing, I glance down at him with nothing but sympathy in my eyes. He doesn’t deserve this, any of it. It isn’t fair. Over the last year everything has slid rapidly downhill and it makes me sick to think about. I feel like I’m losing my father, the only person I really have in my life, and I hate it. It sucks, it kills me.

  As I push my way out into the cold air, I suck in a deep breath of air, trying to clear my lungs. My entire focus for the last twelve months has been my dad and I hate the fact that it doesn’t seem to even lead me anywhere. I just want an answer.

  I also can’t believe tha
t I’m here… in the city… the one place in the world I never planned to go. If only the specialist had been anywhere else in the world.

  “Hey there, miss,” a gentleman outside a bar cat calls to me in a leering tone of voice. “Fancy coming in for a drink?”

  A tight knot of stress coils around in my belly at his words. He makes me feel ill. I know I should just walk by and ignore him, but for some reason I can’t. All the pent up aggression that I’ve been feeling ever since I came to this damn place bursts out of me in an explosion. “Is that what you do? You stand outside a bar and try to lure people in?” I spin to stare at him to really drive my point home with a glare. “Is that working for you? Obviously not because you’re still here. Or maybe you’re like every other man and you just scarper when things get even a little real.”

  Shit, I think I might be talking about something completely different now. I don’t want to let any of my real stuff out. I shake my head and I spin just as quickly to stalk away.

  “What the hell?” he shouts as I stalk off. “You bitch!”

  Urgh, what am I doing here? What the hell have I come to this place for? I’ve managed to avoid the city for most of my life, I don’t see how I’ve managed to end up here now. If it was for anyone else in the world, anyone but my dad, I just wouldn’t be here. Not when I know there’s a minute chance that I might see him.

  I’ve spent the last year not thinking about Brandon Heath-Smith at all. Every time he’s cropped up into my mind I’ve done something different to distract myself, but now that I’m here in the same place as him, it isn’t as easy. Knowing my damn luck, I’ll bump into him and a number of floozies just to rub salt in the wound that I’m still living my boring old life in the town, and he’s living it up here. A reminder that he left me because I’m so dull.

  I just need to get my ass to the drug store, then back to the motel. That’s it.

  Once I’ve locked the world out, it’ll be so much easier. Then I can forget all about Brandon, the city, and all of the past that I don’t want to think about anymore. I can focus just on Dad, the one person who really needs me. All the other stuff is meaningless.

  I breathe out a sigh of relief as I finally see the store I need and I push the door open to step inside. The warmth brushes past my cheeks and stains them a funny shade of red. There are a few other people in the store and just because I really don’t want to end up in anymore awkward conversations with anyone I fix my eyes on the ground and I step forwards.

  There’s a queue at the counter, so I take my position at the back and I wait. As I do I tap my feet on the ground impatiently. I’m like a coiled up spring ready to explode.

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  “Oh my God!” I mutter to myself in shock as my cell phone blasts out. My heart pounds angrily as I’m shaken from my spiraling thoughts. I don’t even take a moment to stare at my screen because the noise is so loud. I just hit the answer button. “Hello?”

  “Oh hi, it’s Doreen.” I blow out some relieved air as I realize it’s my only friend. My only real friend in the world, the older lady who works at the bar where I can barely play anymore because I work so much. “I just wanted to check in to see how you’re doing.”

  She might not be the ideal person who I want to be my friend, but she’s the only one who cares enough about me to check in. A warm, fuzzy feeling fills my chest.

  “Hey, Doreen. Yeah, all good thanks. We went to see the specialist today and I think she had some great things to say to help out Dad.”

  “Hmm, and how does he feel about it all?” She knows him too well. “Let me guess, he barely listened to any of it. Now he’s sleeping it off somewhere.”

  “Are you here?” I ask in a teasing tone. “Because that’s exactly what happened. Now I’m at the drug store picking up some pain pills for him. Hopefully that’ll help him with his pain.”

  “Oh girl, you go through so much. I wish there was more I could do to help you.”

  I cradle the phone closer to my ear and listen to her caring voice. “Oh thank you, Doreen, I wish that you were here too. You’re so awesome.”

  “You’re the one who’s awesome, sweetie. You’re the one who goes through so much.”

  “I don’t know about that. I just do what I can.” I edge ever closer to the counter. “I just want Dad to be okay.” I get a little choked up. “I don’t want to lose him like I lost Mom.”

  Oh God, this is too much. I don’t want to end up an emotional wreck in the middle of the drug store. Why did I bring up Mom? That was such a mistake. Now I can feel the tears building up, desperately wanting to fall. Shit, I’m a damn mess.

  “Anyway, I better go,” I tell Doreen thickly. “I’ll give you a call a bit later, okay?”

  “Well just know that we’re all here thinking of you, wishing you and your dad well.”

  That’s the one thing I love about living in a small town, not that it’s so small anymore but I don’t want to worry about that because it leads to dreaded thoughts of him, but people really care. I might be lonelier than I’ve ever been, I might feel like I don’t really have anyone, but I do. It’s just me who keeps myself distant.

  “Thank you, Doreen. I appreciate your support. Speak soon.”

  As I hang up the phone I bite down on my bottom lip to keep the emotion locked away. I keep throwing myself into work to try and distract myself from him, but it’s also meant I’ve locked myself away from everyone else. I’ve been so concerned, not letting another man in so he can’t hurt me again, that I’ve let no one in. No one.

  Urgh, the fact that I’ve made my own life difficult is horrible.

  “Can I help you, miss?” the pharmacist asks me, grabbing my attention.

  “Oh, sorry.” I glance up to see his warm brown eyes drawing me in. He smiles at me, and his friendly nature allows my shoulders to relax just a little bit. “Yes please. I have a prescription here.” I grab it out of my bag and hand it to him. “It’s for my father.”

  “Right of course, I will sort that for you.”

  I tap my fingers against the counter as I wait for him to sort it out for a moment. I feel sickly impatient while I wait for him. It’s only been a few seconds, but I’m so desperate to get away from everyone else that it feels like forever.

  I tie myself up tightly, my fingers coil around the edge of the counter, a sickness swirls inside of my stomach. I don’t know why, but I have the intense sensation that something is really wrong. Maybe it’ll be the pills, maybe the specialist won’t have written out the script right, or maybe it’s just a bolt of anxiety that hasn’t really come from anywhere. It’s bolting through me, consuming me, sending fizzing electricity all over me… but not the pleasant kind. It’s very uncomfortable.

  Damn this stupid city. I need to get out of here. It’s messing with my mind.

  “Here it is.” Eventually he turns around and he hands me a package. “And here’s the paper work to sign for it.”

  “Right thank you.”

  I scribble my name down and take the bag from him, trying to shake off the horrible sensation inside my chest. I have the drugs now, I can help my dad, I don’t know why I’m still feeling off. Maybe I need to grab myself some pills while I’m in here, something to get rid of my headache or to calm me down. I don’t know what, but I might as well try and help myself while I’m here.

  “Thank you for that.”

  I turn on my heels and head towards the shelves, I feel guilty for thinking about myself. And not just with the headache pills, but with all of it. I need to stop worrying about a ghost from my past, there’s so many people here that I’m not going to see him, there’s no chance at all. I can’t get myself all worried about him when he doesn’t exist anymore. Not to me. Just because he had a profound effect on my life, doesn’t mean I have to lose myself along the way.

  I force a smile up onto my lips as I move through the aisles, just trying to make myself be happy. I want to fake it until I make it. For my dad’s sak
e. I can do it for him.

  But then it falls away when I sense a prickle on the back of my neck, a sensation that someone is staring at me, intently like they know me. It can’t be, I know it can’t, there’s just no way… but it kinda feels like it might be. I need to spin around, just in case, just to rule out the possibility.

  Chapter 18 – Brandon

  Oh my God. I shake my head and blink a few times, trying to correct my vision. It can’t be. It just can’t.

  But it is. The thing is I know it is. I can just sense it right down to my bones. When I first came home to the city, I thought I saw her here, but that long vanished when I realized that I was just being stupid. She wouldn’t come here, there’s just no way. Not when she hates me. But now, a year later when I’ve just decided to move on with my life, here she is again.

  “L… Lola?” I stammer awkwardly, feeling all weird inside. “Is that you?”

  She looks the same. Exactly the same with her flame red hair, and her bright blue eyes, but she looks like a different person as well. She hasn’t got her sweet little cowgirl outfit on, or anything similar. She has a plain white tee shirt and dark denim skinny jeans on. She looks quite a lot like every other girl in the city. The spark isn’t there as much within her anymore.

  “Brandon?” She looks resigned as she says this. “What are you doing here?”