When wrong feels so right
Page 112
“Sorry,” I mutter, while throwing the duvet up over my head to cover up the light.
That actually makes my time alone with the tablet feel a little more private, which helps me to craft my very innocent email, that feels like it’s the naughtiest thing in the whole entire world.
‘Hi Logan, it’s Pru. I’m not emailing you for an extra appointment or anything, I just want to say thank you for all your help. You’ve been very kind to me and I appreciate it very much.’
It isn’t anything that I haven’t said to his face, so maybe it’s a bit pointless but I have to start the communication somehow and I don’t want to dive right in with anything that might be considered risky. That’s just a simple, normal message that expresses nothing but thanks.
Seconds later, the tablet flashes up with a reply which makes my heart pound. It can only be Logan emailing me back which is thrilling and horrifying all at once. I don’t know if I expected him to message me back really, and certainly not this quickly. I wonder if he’s lying in bed, feeling as excited and nervy as I do. I wonder if now he’s clutching his screen, waiting eagerly for my reply.
‘Hi Pru, thank you very much for your email, that was a very nice surprise. You know that you are always welcome, you are a very special lady who deserves to have someone looking out for her. I am in all week, so if you change your mind and you do wish to see me, please do.’
I could leave it there if I wanted to, but I don’t. My entire body buzzes with excitement as I rapidly hit the reply button. I was tired before, but now I’m wide awake than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I feel like I’ve been eating sugar all day long and now I’m high as a kite. I could stay up all night long shooting messages back and forth with Logan, I just know it.
This time, because of the late hour and the privacy of my own duvet prison, on top of the crazy high that I’m currently riding, I decide to go just a tad more risqué, just to see what I can get from it.
‘I’m glad that when I leave I’ll be living in the city so I won’t be too far from you,’
As soon as I hit the send button, a sick feeling of shame and regret floods me. That’s something I definitely shouldn’t have done, I can see that now. Every single time I refresh the page and I don’t have anything back, it makes my head spin and spiral down into a deep dark place. It’s like being on a roller coaster, the massive high has given way to a giant dip and I don’t like it one bit. Until…
‘Yes, me too. I’ll be glad that I can still keep an eye on you… if you need me to.’
Oh, thank God, he’s messaged me back! And with a bit of a possessive, protective message too which feels nice. I like the idea of him hiding in every corner, watching me, protecting me from a distance, ready to leap out and hold me at any given moment. It makes me feel loved and excited.
‘I will always need you to.’
At that moment, the battery light flashes up which means I really need to turn the tablet off and charge the battery if I don’t want to go through hell tomorrow. I make sure that I log out of everything possible so there isn’t any way of anyone reading my emails by mistake (or on purpose, if it’s Leah), then I step quietly out of the bed to find the wall plug. Logan knows what the routines in this place are like anyway, he’ll know that I’m not ignoring him.
I also hope that my simple message is an effective one and he gets how I feel!
Once I get back into bed and I snuggle down with my eyes closed, my brain concocts a wonderful dream about me and Logan. Only this time, it isn’t all sweetness and light, romance and flowers. It’s steamier, sweatier, and a whole lot sexier. I even think about what his naked body might look like, and in my mind, it’s a wonderful sight to behold! As I imagine him slowly stripping me down and making sweet, passionate love to me, I feel more grown up than ever before.
I’m starting to see myself as an adult, just as everyone else is too.
Dream Logan makes me feel beautiful and sexy, which is something I wouldn’t be able to achieve without him. He looks at me in a way that suggests he genuinely does see me as pretty. The funny thing is he knows all the ugly sides to me, he’s seen me at my worst, and he still feels something for me. If that isn’t true love then I don’t know what is. How could anyone want anything more than a man who thinks they are beautiful even when they aren’t? I know that I don’t. My life will be perfect if I can have him in it, it’ll be the full picture of happiness that I’ve been searching my whole life for.
Chapter Thirteen – Logan
Why can’t I stop responding to Pru every time she does something that I know for sure is wrong? Every cheeky smile, every subtle but sexy stare, every email… I keep telling myself to take a step back from her but I can’t. It must be obvious to everyone else in the center, they must be able to feel the very obvious chemistry between us, but no one has commented as of yet. No one’s remarked on the fact that I keep turning up for breakfast when I rarely did before, no one says anything about Pru and me having more and more meetings together, and it seems that no one’s picked up on the online communication yet, which is good because that’s the riskiest thing of them all. The emails leave a paper trail, written evidence and although we don’t say anything inappropriate, I’m sure some of it is crossing a line. I hope it never gets found out and we manage to escape it.
Actually, after this afternoon, I’ll finally be able to relax and breathe properly again because the issue will be resolved. Pru’s birthday is today so we’re having a mini celebration for her. Usually, we don’t do much about birthdays because they can be extremely traumatic for some of the kids we get brought in, but since this is a goodbye party as well, we’re going all out.
Later tonight, Pru will move in to her new apartment, hopefully to never return, and all will go back to normal. I can stop being a freak, coming in to the center all the time, and I can work on rebuilding the areas of my life that I’ve come to see need some help. Things that I’ve neglected.
I harbor no illusion that Pru will continue to keep in touch with me once she starts crafting her own life, I will become some distant crush that she had a long time ago, so I need to keep myself distracted while I get over her. I may have to see her now and again to get my deposit money back, but I’m not that bothered to be honest. If she drifts away from me I’m more than happy to let her have it to get her started. For now, I think I need to focus on me for a while, to get my own very messy life in order once more. I need to turn acquaintances into friends and reconnect with people from my past that I’ve let go. If something good can come out of this, it’s that.
“Okay, so I think that’s everything,” Hank, one of the kitchen staff, comments. “We’ve been told not to make too big a deal out of things because otherwise everyone will start crying and it might trigger some of the kids, so we’ve got a cake, some sandwiches, and some odd snack bits.”
“Yep. I’m sure that’ll be fine,” I reply stiffly, not sure how to behave really. “And what time is this going on until? Is the car coming to pick the girl up right afterwards?”
“Why? You got big plans tonight?” Hank smirks knowingly at me. “You got a hot date?”
I almost snap back at him that it’s none of his business but I stop myself at the last moment. I’m trying to actually be genuinely friendly with some of these people. I just need to give Hank a chance, he might turn out to be one of the people that I really can’t live without… maybe.
“Yeah, something like that,” I lie, because I can’t tell him that I’ll be drowning my sorrows. “Just want to know what time I can get out of here for the day, you know how it is.”
“The car is coming for her at six so you can definitely go then.”
Six o’ clock and it’ll all be over. There’s a part of my heart that tears into shreds but another part that’s simply relieved. The last few weeks have been the most torturous of my entire life. I’ve never lusted after someone that I can’t have so hard before and it’s the worst feeling in the world.
Work here, without Pru Evans in the building. How weird is that going to be? She’s been a constant presence for five years, even when I haven’t felt like this. Urgh, I’m so conflicted and confused at the moment, I’m driving myself insane. I need a damn good shake!
Hank gives me a funny look, proving that any chances of friendship with him might be well out the window, before he leaves me alone in the communal room while I wait for this little party thing to start. I finished my appointments a while back in preparation and now I’m keen to get this done. Especially the first bit when I see Pru. I haven’t seen her yet today. I’m nervous about it.
“Hey.” Oh my God, as if I’ve summoned her up by magic, I hear her soft voice behind me.
I spin around to give her a curious look. “Hi, Pru, is everything okay?”
She nods a little unsurely. “Yes, I think so. It’s a big day today and I’m a bit anxious.”
Her skinny jeans and tee shirt look really nice on her, they cling tightly to her frame, showing off her lovely womanly figure. She rocks her body side to side, showing that she isn’t totally comfortable in her skin yet, but that’ll come. She’s still millions better than she once was.
“Of course, you are.” I roll a box around in my pocket containing her birthday present. I wanted to find the right time to give it to her but now I think I might have left it too late. I can’t do it now in case someone walks in and thinks it’s weird. Instead, I’ll have to just be the asshole that got her nothing. “Moving day, birthday, happy birthday by the way, saying goodbye to here. Crazy!”
Tears fill her eyes but to her credit she remains strong enough to keep them in. “Yeah, I know, I’ve been waiting for this for ages but now that it’s here it feels all mental and odd.”
My body language softens which makes me realize just how tense my shoulders have been up until this point. She needs some advice from me, I need to be the man I’m supposed to be. “I know it does, but you do know that you’ll be fine, don’t you? You do know that you have what it takes.”
I step closer to her with my arms outstretched as if I’m going to embrace her or something, but I think better of it at the last moment and I drop them awkwardly back by my sides again.
“Maybe afterwards,” she says with a sorrowful smile. “It isn’t the right time.”
Luckily, I didn’t hug her because at that moment, other people fill the room. Kids, staff members, even some of the teachers who are only here a few hours a week. They’ve all come to say farewell to Pru without really knowing who she is. Sure, they’ve seen her a lot during the last five years but they haven’t spoken to her and gotten deep into her psyche. Not like me. I know her better than the lot of them. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing, it doesn’t make me feel good right now.
Noise fills the room, there’s so much chatter and laughter that my brain aches. It’s all like bees buzzing noisily around me, driving me to distraction, when all I want to do is look at her. I just want to watch Pru, to enjoy these last few minutes with her before she’s stripped from my life completely.
The festivities begin, although admittedly they’re a little meagre. We half-heartedly sing happy birthday, most of us too afraid to upset the ones who had bad stuff happen to them on their birthdays – which to be honest is most of them – then we all say nice things about Pru to see her off. Most people’s comments are a bit inane and don’t really mean anything, but some of the things are really nice. I hope she takes the comments on board and uses them to give her confidence.
“Mr. Banker?” Leah says with a wicked, knowing smile. “What about you?”
“Hmm?” I glare back, annoyed at being disturbed. “What do you mean what about me?”
“What do you have to say to Prudence? You know, as a goodbye message.”
Shit, I got so involved in watching this like a performance I almost forgot that I’m here myself. I can feel my body heating up shamefully, making Leah laugh out loud as if she knows something.
“Oh well, Pru…dence.” I don’t know why, but it feels weird to call her the nickname I give her in front of everyone else. No one else shortens her name I’ve noticed. “It’s going to be a different place without you here. But I, as I’m sure everyone else here does, wish you well in the future. Get out there and kick some ass.” I make a lame, embarrassing fist bump which is awful.
There’s a silence for a few moments while everyone looks at me like I’m a bit mad, but luckily before it can get really awkward, Hank brings out a slice of cake for everyone giving everyone else something else to talk and think about. I take the moment of distraction to race into the bathroom to catch my breath again. I need a moment away from all the madness to collect myself together.
You’re an idiot, I tell myself as I stare at my slightly blurry reflection in the mirror. A fool! Why are you getting so worked up and insane? I have reasoned with myself enough times that this madness I’m going through is all going to end today, I don’t have much longer to hold it together, so why the hell can’t I just do it? Just… be cool. I check my watch. Not long now.
By the time I go back into the room, Pru is already gathering up her things to leave, so no one bothers to even look my way. There’s a stinging sensation in my nose, I feel quite emotional, but for the moment I push that to one side. I can fall apart later if that’s what I need to do.
“Bye, Prudence!” everyone says to her at the door as she starts to walk out towards the car. She looks small and scared, but I’m sure that’ll go once she gets away from here. “See you soon!”
I wish everyone else would vanish so I could share this moment alone with Pru. I want to wrap my arms around her, to freeze the moment so I’ll have something to keep me going, but of course I can’t. I have to hang around at the back of the crowd and just wait very impatiently. This is killing me, since I can’t do what I want to, I need it all just to be over.
As she walks out the door, I take a step right back from everyone and I type out a bit of a desperate email on my phone, giving Pru my cell phone number if she needs it. It’s probably the dumbest thing that I’ve ever done, but it’s gone now. It’s been sent out into cyberspace for her to do with what she wants. Maybe she won’t even see it, who knows…
Right, time to let go completely, I think half-heartedly as I drop my phone back into my pocket. Time to get my life back on track.
Chapter Fourteen – Prudence
This isn’t how I thought it was going to be, I think sadly as I curl my knees up around my chest., trying to make myself as small as possible. I should have come earlier I don’t know why I waited.
I liked the idea of spending my last day surrounded by the people I’ve grown up with through the last five years, I guess I got a little nostalgic towards the end. I also didn’t want to spend my birthday alone. I thought it’d be better to just get to my new life started by getting to sleep and starting fresh in the morning… but that’s before I got here and realized how terrifying it is to be by myself in this apartment at night time. In the day, with Logan and the realtor by my side, it didn’t seem so bad, but now it’s horrible. It’s freaky, there are sirens running by the place all the time, I can hear the couple in the apartment next door arguing really loudly, and bangs all the time.
It’s terrifying, I’m definitely not ready for this. I want to leave so damn badly it hurts.
I keep rubbing my thumb over my hand where I’ve written Logan’s cell phone number. I spent a little bit of time in an Internet café earlier and I got his email, but I haven’t done anything about it yet. Right now, I’m doing everything that I can to stop myself from calling him because I want to be an adult. I don’t want to be a scared little child who cannot cope alone. But I want him. I hate this and I want to have him by my side. I’m never g
oing to be able to get any sleep.
Stop it, I scold myself while pushing myself up into a standing position and pacing up and down the room. This is madness. I can do this, of course it’s scary on the first night but that doesn’t mean that I should just give up. This is my chance to be brave and strong, to prove myself.
I wander over to the tiny window I have which looks down onto someone’s bins below. It isn’t the sweeping view of the city sky line that you see in movies, but it’s mine. I can appreciate what I have. At least now I have my own bedroom and my own view, I’m not stuck in a room with Leah being utterly obnoxious, and the other kids snoring loudly. It’s not silence, but it’s quieter.
I move back over to the sofa bed and attempt to lie back down again. I’m not giving myself much hope of drifting off because I’m in my clothes. I don’t think I’m ready to change it my pajamas until I’m one hundred percent that I won’t have to get up and run at a moment’s notice.
I squeeze my eyes shut tight, trying to block out the whole world. I try to think of the nicest things to clear my brain of all the negativity, but it quickly becomes clear that it’s pointless. The noises in the center were always safe sounds. Annoying maybe, but never dangerous. The sounds here are absolutely terrifying. They remind me of things that I would much rather forget.
“Stop!” comes a hideous shriek from the apartment next door. “No, please stop.”
I bolt upright in bed and dart my eyes side to side. My heart races, pumping boiling hot blood all round my body. I recognize those screams well, they’re sheer terror which means anything could be going on there. My mind skips back many years ago and I remember myself, when I was the one who was screaming and begging my father to stop. He would whip me and smack me about for the silliest of things, making me hate and blame myself along the way. It could be for making a mess, or even because he thought someone was talking badly about him in the pub… I got so used to walking on egg shells my entire life and even that wasn’t enough. He was still angry all the time.