by Julia North
“You need to see Dr. Zuma today and let him help you with your nightmares. He’s asked especially to see you and you must try and come to the church this Sunday.”
“I don’t want to see him and I don’t want the stupid church,” I turn and hiss in a low voice glaring at her with narrow eyes, but inside my mind is jumping. How does she know of my night- mares?
“You must. He’ll help you to feel better in your mind and so will church,” she says.
I step towards her again. “Fuck off! There’s nothing wrong with my mind.”
“Okay” she says. She stands straight, puts her head to one side and gives me a big smile. I feel like my blood will explode in my head. “I’ll send him to find you,” she says.
“Get the fuck away from me,” I shout. I can feel the veins standing strong in my neck. I can’t take this woman anymore. She will drive me mad. I turn sharply and shuffle off as fast as my legs and back will let me, down towards the river. There are tall breadfruit trees there, which remind me of the camp. I will hide away behind their wide green leaves.
I fall on the grass beneath one of them and lean my back against the rough bark. My chest is heaving with my panting breaths. I’m so angry I just want to scream. I close my eyes. My back is paining bad from the walking. I press it hard against the trunk. I take in a deep breath of the damp bush air. It helps a little for the anger inside.
“Here you are.”
What the fuck! That Nurse Sophie’s found me again. I try to get up and make to hit her but Dr. Zuma is with her; he pushes her away and comes towards me smiling. He stops and looks with kind brown eyes behind silver-framed glasses.
“Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you!”
If I had a knife on me I would stab both of them. I am like the exploding grenade inside. I look around for a sharp stick or stone I can use. The doctor sees my movement and backs away. I snort.
He stands and looks and then asks, “May I just sit here for a while?”
He turns to the stupid Nurse Sophie. “It’s okay, Nurse, I’ll find you later.”
“Okay, doctor,” she says, giving me a smile and going away with quick steps.
I stare hard out in front as he lowers himself down next to me. He pushes his back against the tree and bends his legs in front. I stare at them. They are strong with big muscles. He wears brown sandals on his feet. I see a flash of silver as his watch shows under the sleeve of his white coat. He must have money. What is he doing here? Why is he helping us? Somebody must be paying him to do it. The anger rises up in my belly. Why can’t he leave me alone? I close my eyes but I can hear his breathing going in and out. I try to shut my ears to the sound.
He says nothing and we sit like this for a long time. I look at him with a corner eye. Maybe he’s asleep? But he’s not; he’s playing with a piece of grass between his big hands and has another hanging out of his mouth like a cow.
He feels my eyes and takes the grass out of his mouth. He clears his throat and looks at me. “Can you tell me your proper name?” he says. “I’m sure you don’t like being called Pumpkin. If you give me your proper name then I’ll get Nurse Sophie to use it.”
“It’s Lieutenant Hotshot. I’ve told her that,” I say, and glare at him.
“Lieutenant Hotshot. That’s a long name. Maybe it’s too long for her to say,” he says. “You know these women; they’re not good with names. Maybe your old name’s shorter? Can you remember it?”
“Of course I can remember it but only my friends can call me that. She’s not my friend.”
He’s made me remember David. Only David and Sipho called me Modetse. I’ve had enough. I push myself up and bite my teeth from the shooting pain in my back. I walk with my stick deep into the green forest of fern trees. Their hanging green leaf fingers touch me as I move through them. I turn left where there are thick palm leaves and tall reeds. I want to hide in them like a cave. I want to be alone. I don’t want to talk to this man.
“Leave me alone! Just leave me alone,” I shout as he comes after me through the forest. “You are driving me mad.”
“If I do that you’ll never get better. You need to talk it out and realize it’s not your fault. It’ll make you feel better.”
“I don’t need you,” I shout. “I just need my back and legs to be strong again so that I can go back to the L.R.A. They are my family; only them!”
My body is so full with anger that I go dizzy. I steady myself and take in a deep breath. The doctor stops and stares at me with worried eyes behind his silver glasses.
“Okay. I’ll call on you tomorrow,” he says in a soft voice.” My wife and daughter are coming back tomorrow and maybe you’ll come and eat some of my wife’s delicious stew.”
I shake my head in disbelief and pull my lip in disgust. Why would I want to eat with his stupid family? What’s wrong with this mad man? Doesn’t he understand that the only other people I want to see are L.R.A. boys? I glare at him as he stands staring at me and then he smiles and my blood boils up inside my head and I bite my lip to stop myself lunging forwards and tearing out his eyes.
“Fuck off!” I shout. “Just fuck off before I kill you.”
He gives me a sad look with his head on one side but obeys and turns back into the forest leaving me so full with the anger that I think I’ll explode. I stare after him, clench my fists and stay standing there until the pain in my back forces me to go back to the dorm.
The next day I’m sitting in the dining hall drinking my Coke and listening to Bob Marley singing ‘Jammin’ and tapping my foot to the beat when the doctor comes in. He sits his big body down next to me on the wooden bench without asking. I glare at him and shift down to the end.
“Hello,” he says. “Don’t you want to be at the football with the others?”
I pull a face and turn away without answering. Stupid question! If I wanted to play I’d be there! Can’t he see that my back isn’t strong enough yet? What kind of doctor is he?
“If you’ve time we could talk a bit now,” he says.
What’s the matter with this idiot? He’s too stupid to see I don’t want him here. I slam off the button and Bob Marley stops. He’s spoiled my fun and I hate him. I push myself up as fast as I can and move from the bench.
“Wait, Modetse…” he says touching my arm as I try to shuffle past him.
I yank away my arm and freeze. I turn on him and shout. “How do you know my name?”
“I heard one of the other boys say it,” says Dr. Zuma.
“Who?” I shout. “Who told you my name?”
Richard starts to enter the dining hut but stops in the doorway, his face pale and his eyes big.
My eyes dart over to him. “You,” I shout. “You told him. Didn’t you?”
Richard hurries out and I hobble as fast as I can after him and catch him just as he tries to head for the field. I yank him hard by his shirt so he loses his balance and falls backwards. I jerk him again, his shirt rips and I lunge forward to grab his hair and pull. I bring my free arm around and with my clenched fist smash him in the face so that his head goes sideways and bright blood spurts out from his lip.
“You fucking scarecrow,” I shout. “Why did you tell them? No one must call me that.”
“It is just a name,” says Richard.
“Bastard,” I shriek as I hit him again. I feel more of his hot blood on my hand.
Dr. Zuma pulls me away with strong arms, but I push away and grab out again at Richard’s shirt and rip it some more.
“Calm down,” says Dr. Zuma holding my fighting arms and pressing his fingers into them. “Calm down! You okay, Richard?”
Richard nods. He doesn’t want to look me in the eye. I pull and scream against the doctor’s grip but he’s too strong.
“We need to call you by your proper name,” says Dr. Zuma. “It’s important.”
“No, you don’t,” I shout. “I told you. You are not my family.”
“We’d like to be,” says a woma
n’s voice and I turn to see a fat woman in a bright red and black zigzag pattern dress and headscarf. She has the same coffee skin like the doctor and is pretty with a round face with a fat nose and lips and big honey eyes. She is holding out a square silver tin towards me.
“I’m Mama Zuma. Here, I’ve made these for you.”
I stare wide-eyed at the tin and my stomach gets butterflies and my cheeks grow hot. What is she talking about? She doesn’t even know me. She takes a small round cake from the tin and holds it out to me. The doctor lets me go and I hit her hand so that the cake with its chocolate icing and red cherry goes flying in the air, then I turn and hobble away to the forest before I can see how she looks.
My chest heaves up and down with my breath. It’s a long time since I’ve seen an African mother like her and she makes my stomach strange. I feel like I’m in a mad place. I must get away before they break me. They are trying to break my mind. They want to make me mad so they can defeat me. I must stay strong. I must get back to the L.R.A.
Chapter 11
“This is your lucky day,” said Mobuto as we marched to a line of trees he had shown us. “The General has given you a fortunate order. He has no time for wasters. You’ve tried the wood AKs, now is the time to touch the real AK, the gun of Mother Africa. You’ll taste her strong bullets and feel her power. I am Mr. AK. If you do not fire my AKs properly I will make the bullets eat you like a hungry lion.”
“Yes, the General he does not like the soldier boys who can’t shoot,” said Bilole.
“You will love this gun and polish it like the sun. It is now your mother. If you damage my AK, you are dead boys. Do you hear me?”
We nodded at him with big eyes. I stood straight and full of fear inside as I watched Mobuto and his AK.
He grunted and turned to Bilole. “Bring the AKs.”
Bilole saluted and marched over to a hut behind us. Soon he was back with Nkunda carrying five AKs between them. I stared at the fierce guns. They were blue steel with a case underneath like a banana arm where the bullets lived. It must have many bullets in it. Under the barrel lay a glinting bayonet. My heart jumped. I had to be good with this AK or Mobuto would kill me with those bullets.
Mobuto looked at the AK with happy eyes. He took a white cloth from his pocket and rubbed it up and down the gun with soft strokes. The AK shone like it was new from a shop. He wiped it up and down some more and then shoved it up high onto his shoulder. He turned and pointed it and yanked down the lever and then let it jump back. I heard a loud “kadock” and my body prickled.
“Now, the bullet is in the chamber,” said Mobuto. “Are you watching, you stupid boys? If you get this wrong I will send the AK bullets into your fucking brains. Do you hear! Now it is ready for firing.”
We nodded our heads and I swallowed hard. We all looked with big eyes at the gun. How would I shoot this gun? What if I could not hold it properly? What if I dropped it? I bet the General was doing this because he wanted Mobuto to shoot us. He wanted more blood.
I heard the kadock of the bullet in another AK. Bilole was loading them one by one. His face was hard and Nkunda watched us with narrow eyes. I watched Mobuto’s hand on the gun barrel with the killer bullet inside. He turned and gave us a horrible smile and then pointed the gun at the sky. Fire jumped out in a big spurt and my ears went dead from its thunder.
Mobuto did not move. I looked at his ears and saw that he wore plugs in them. He handed the AK to Bilole and picked up a big metal box. He opened it. Rows and rows of AK bullets stared up at me. They were big with sharp pointed ends and looked like shiny brass teeth full of power that could eat me. I swallowed and my breath caught in my throat.
“This is an AK bullet,” said Mobuto as he rubbed one of the bullet teeth between his fingers. “This will be your best friend. It will tear your enemy to pieces. Now, you must hold the gun like this. See,” he shouted, and pushed the one end of the AK into his shoulder. He held the long piece in front with his hand. His other hand was by the trigger.
“Here, catch,” he said suddenly, and threw the AK at me.
I jumped forward and let out a whistle as I caught it. My hands were wet and I rubbed them one by one on my pants. I lifted my eyebrows. The AK was not too heavy. It felt strong in my hands. I stood up straight and held the gun like I had seen Mobuto do. Its hardness fitted into my shoulder. I held it tight, feeling its power in my hands. I gripped the long piece with one hand like Mobuto had done and pushed the other end back harder into my shoulder so that it was stiff and kept my breath in.
“You are lucky to have caught my AK,” barked Mobuto. “Now you will learn to fire her bullets. What’s your name?”
“Modetse, sah.”
“You are going to make love to your AK Modetse. Have you made love before?”
“N-no s-sah,” I said and my cheeks grew hot.
Mobuto gave an ugly smile. I heard Bilole and Nkunda give a horrible laugh behind me.
“So now you will learn to make good love. Is that right? Will you make love to your AK?” shouted Mobuto. He put his fat face close to mine and I could smell the stale beer on his breath.
“Y-yes, s-sah I will,” I said.
“Yes, sah, I will make love to my AK,” shouted Mobuto.
“Yes, sah, I will make love to my AK,” I said. My cheeks were hot and my hands turned wet.
Mobuto glared at me and then poked me hard in the stomach with his fat finger. I bent over and nearly dropped the AK. I coughed and tried to stand up straight. I put the gun back in my shoulder.
Mobuto stared hard at me. “Now, hold it tight. I will show you how to shoot the magic bullet. You will do it on a single shot and later you can do automatic. Watch!”
Mobuto took the AK back. He took out the bullet and then showed us how to put the bullets in the banana case.
“Load it,” he said, and gave me some of the bullets.
They were hard and cold in my hand. I kept my mind strong and put them in the case like Mobuto had done. When they were all in I tilted the case and it slid back under the AK. Then I pulled back the lever and heard the loud “kadock.”
“The bullet is in the barrel now,” said Mobuto with narrow eyes. “You keep that pointed forward, you fucking piece of shit, you hear.”
I swallowed hard and nodded.
“Now you look through that hole. It is the sight. You need to line up that mark.”
I watched him with strong eyes and nodded.
“See those steel plates?” he said. “You are going to shoot in the middle of them. Shoot plate number one.”
I stared at the shining metal plates standing at the bottom of the trees. I could count ten of them.
“Stand there,” said Mobuto.
I walked over to where he pointed with the AK buzzing in my hands. I pushed the living AK into my shoulder. I narrowed my eyes and stared hard at the number one plate. My ears stayed alive to what Mobuto had told me. Inside my heart beat hard and my stomach felt sick. I took in a big breath and kept it tight inside.
“This is a good gun,” said Mobuto. “It will rattle not jam and will not kick you like an ostrich. Now squeeze the trigger like it is your ladylove; slowly, slowly.”
I touched the trigger with my finger. It was alive. My body shook and I took more breath to make it stiff. I must do this for Thandi. I must not fail. Please, God, I must not fail.
I looked at the steel plate in the sunlight. It was calling my bullet. I held my eyes on the number one plate and put one eye to the sight like Mobuto had shown me. I kept the AK straight. I saw the middle of the plate in my sight and clenched my teeth. Then my finger touched the trigger. The AK was full of energy. The bullet wanted to be free. I could feel its power in my hand. I let myself be one with the gun and squeezed the trigger. “Thwaka.” The AK jumped and spat out the fire bullet so fast that I could not see it. I staggered back. My head hummed and my body felt wet.
“Take the gun, Bilole. I will check the target,” said Mobuto.
/> I watched with big eyes as he moved to the tree line. I stared for the plate number one. My eyes blurred and my heart was in my mouth.
Mobuto marched to the tree. He turned and nodded.
My body grew weak. My knees shook but inside my mind smiled. I had hit the plate. I had never shot a bullet before, but first shot and I had hit the plate. I grew warm inside. I turned around and saw Sipho and David smile at me. I smiled back. Maybe it was not so bad. Maybe I would be able to escape back to Thandi if I was such a good shot.
Mobuto marched back with the metal plate hanging in his big hand. I stared at the plate. It had a small hole near the top. Mobuto turned it over and I saw big broken pieces at the back where the bullet had gone through.
Mobuto grunted. “You are lucky. The spirits must like you. You’ve made it,” he said. “Let’s see if the next one will be so fortunate.” He gave a bad smile and his gold tooth glinted at us.
Chapter 12
The doctor’s wife doesn’t try and give me cake again but she keeps smiling at me. She is doing the cooking for us, which is good because the stew she makes is too good.
I’m eating my stiff yellow maize porridge in the breakfast hut when she comes in.
“Good morning, boys. Now that I’m back you’re all going to start the school today,” she says.
A murmur rushes through the hut. I look at Trigger and Richard with my spoon of porridge halfway to my mouth. My stomach tenses with excitement. I didn’t think they had the school here. My heart beats hard. With the school I really can be a Commander one day soon and find Thandi. I smile inside. It will be good. I must let this woman help me.
“Eat up,” says Mama Zuma with a big smile which lights up her round face.
I scrape out the last of my porridge and follow Richard and Trigger to put our plates in the washing up bowls outside. Richard washes his carefully but Trigger and me just splash water on them and then throw them on the drying rack. Washing up is not men’s work!
Mama Zuma waddles outside and shouts, “Come on. We are going to the school now.”