by M. Clarke
I turned my back on him and raced to the door. I stopped when my trembling hand turned the knob. Unable to look at him for fear I might run back to him and beg him to take me back, I spilled my guts.
“I love you, Josh. A part of me always will. And it hurts that you can’t tell me you love me back. You still have my heart, but one day, it won’t be yours anymore. Unless you can give me all of you, we’re nothing more than friends.” I tried to sound strong and unthreatening.
“Isla, I—”
Before he could say another word, I rushed out the door, tears falling like a dam had broken. Closing the door behind me, I locked Josh away so I could breathe again.
Chapter 26
Josh
I didn’t want to stay in the suite alone without Isla. It would hurt too much, so I went home. Big mistake. The absence of her, the quiet of the house haunted me, making me sick to my stomach. The ache in my heart hurt too much, and I wanted to rip it out of my chest. Any second, she would come down the stairs or enter the house, her heels clicking away. But no sound of Isla. And as I sat alone on my sofa, I stared at the large flat screen, wondering what the fuck happened.
For the most part, Isla was right. I finally admitted to myself that I had some unfinished feelings for Shelly, but it could be just old feelings needing resolved. When she left me, I’d thought my whole world ended, and a part of me died. I never got the closure I needed. A part of me waited for her return, the reason I never gave my whole heart to anyone. But I’d started to with Isla.
Unable to move, unable to think, unable to breathe, I fell into a restless sleep on the sofa. Blinking my eyes open, I had no idea what time it was, and I had no idea how long I had been knocked out. All the blinds were closed and lights off.
The doorbell broke me out of my trance, and I walked to the door like a zombie, dragging my feet, my body too heavy. Who could it be? The mailman? No. It was Sunday. Through the thick glass of the double door, I spotted a familiar face.
“Nathan?” I opened the door wider. Squinting in the blinding sun, I raised my hand to cover the light. Though I felt like shit, it was so good to see him. And though not manly, I could have cried in his arms. “Come in. What time is it?” Closing the door behind Nathan, I asked, “What are you doing here?” Then I realized I threw questions at him and didn’t give him a chance to answer. “Do you want to sit down?” I trudged forward. “Do you want coffee?” I switched direction and went to the kitchen. I needed something to wake me up.
Nathan planted himself behind the island. “I’m going to start answering your questions one at a time. It’s ten in the morning. No, I don’t want to sit down. No, I don’t want coffee. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought I’d stop by. Fuck it. I’m lying. Olivia told me what happened between you and Isla. I came by to make sure you were okay. And by the looks of you, it’s a good thing I came. You look like shit.”
I stared at the coffee maker, the sound taking me away. Drip. Drip. Drip. “Thanks,” I said, not sure why I had said that. I finally met his eyes, my eyes burning with the need to cry, but I had no tears left to shed. They all had drained out of me, leaving me dry as a desert last night.
“What happened?” Nathan’s question echoed in my head at the same time the coffee beeped.
Taking out the mug, I took a sip. The warm liquid down my throat did nothing for me. I felt nothing. “Isla left me. She made me realize things I tied to ignore.”
“Do you still love Shelly?” he asked.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’m feeling.” I inhaled a deep breath. “And that’s the problem. Isla doesn’t want to be with me because she believes I still have feelings for Shelly. Shelly wants me back, but I told her it wasn’t a good idea. I was with Isla.”
“But now that you two are no longer together, how do you feel?”
I took another sip, delaying my response. “I feel like shit. I hurt Isla, but I’m also hurting too.”
“I know how you feel.” Nathan’s tone dipped lower. “I didn’t mean to hurt Kelly.”
Leaning back to the counter with my arms crossed I asked, “Did you love Kelly? Did you tell her you loved her?”
“No,” Nathan said flatly, with no hint of regret. “I cared about her, but Olivia was always there, lingering in my head and heart. I really did try to forget her, but it’s kind of hard to forget your first love. I figured if Kelly and I dated longer, I would grow to love her, but it all changed when Olivia came back. But here is a question you need to ask yourself. Can you forgive Shelly for leaving you?”
“I don’t know. I’m still pissed off about that, but I try for Emma’s sake.”
“Another question you need to think about. Do you want to be with Shelly because you still love her, or is it for Emma, the idea of having her parents living under the same roof?”
I sighed into my mug as I took another sip before it got lukewarm. I loved my coffee steamy hot. “I don’t know.”
Nathan slid his body on the stool and rested his arms on the island. “If you ever want Isla back, don’t wait too long. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to fix what’s broken. I’m not trying to push you to Isla. I’m just thinking of you. Though our situation may sound similar, it’s so different. Olivia left me, but I never went after her. I was so pissed off at her, I didn’t ask her to stay. Honestly, I can’t remember what happened anymore, but it was both of our faults. We had to forgive and forget our past to better our future. Can you and Shelly do that?”
From all of Nathan’s advice and questions, clarity began to form in my mind. I knew what I had to do. “If you decide to stop modeling, you should become a therapist.” My voice sounded more like my own—light and jovial.
Nathan’s forehead crinkled. “Thanks, I think.”
I looked at my watch. An hour had passed. “I hate to ask you to leave, but I’m supposed to visit Emma. Shelly promised not to have her open her presents until I arrived by noon.”
“Not a problem.” He slid off the stool and headed to the door.
I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to form words. “Hey. I really appreciate the talk. Thanks for coming over and checking on me. You don’t know how much that means to me.” God I sounded like a pussy, but I meant every word.
“You would’ve done the same for me.” He smiled.
“I would have,” I confirmed, and I meant it.
Nathan reached for me unexpectedly and gave me a hug with a pat on the back. His hug gave me strength, and I didn’t feel so alone. For a second, I allowed myself to relax in his arms as I released a breath I had held so long.
“Thanks,” I said, patting his back, and then we released each other.
“Anytime.” He grinned, sympathy on his face. If anyone, Nathan understood my dilemma.
“Do you know where Isla is?” I asked hesitantly. I didn’t know if he would share if he knew. He was her friend too.
“I didn’t tell you, but she’s watching her nieces this coming week. I don’t know the exact dates. So she’s probably at her brother’s place.”
“Okay. Thanks.” I didn’t bother asking him how she was.
After Nathan left, I went to my room to wash and get dressed. No more sulking like a heartbroken college kid. I needed to fix this as soon as possible. On my way down, I stopped by Isla’s room. The heavy weight of her absence crushed my heart. I assumed she’d already packed her things, but when I opened a drawer and saw her clothes folded neatly, I smiled. Silly as it might seem, I felt like I still had a piece of her. Thinking of Emma, and the joy she brought me with every thought, every memory, every time I was with her, I drove to Shelly’s place.
“Come in, Josh.” Shelly plastered a happy grin across her face, reaching to her ears.
When I entered, I spotted Emma with empty water bottles, reminding me of the time Isla and Emma pounded them on the island. I smiled at the memory until I heard a cute squeak noise.
“Dada,” Emma greeted me with open arms. She took a
couple of steps with her wobbling legs, dropped to the floor when they couldn’t support her, and crawled to me like she was in a race.
“Emma.” I picked her up, bliss filling my heart like sunshine after the rain, and kissed her forehead. “Hello, princess. Would you like to open your presents?”
“Josh. Would you like to eat some lunch?” Shelly asked, standing by the kitchen.
“No, thank you. I’m not hungry.” And it was the truth. I barely finished my coffee, and food was the last thing I wanted. “Maybe later.”
“Sure. Just let me know.”
“Where’s your mom?”
“She went to her friend’s house. She won’t be back until later this evening, so we have the whole house to ourselves.”
I didn’t comment.
Shelly went to her room, came out holding presents, and set them down next to me. “I need to get more. I can’t believe how many she received.”
“Let me help you.” I followed her.
Shelly picked up some boxes off the carpeted floor and ran into me. Boxes tumbled out of her hands, and her body collided with mine. Holding her in my arms for the first time felt both foreign and familiar. As I breathed in her scent, old memories flooded in. I froze, not knowing what to do.
“Sorry, Josh.” She giggled, piercing her green eyes to mine, but her giggles were cut short.
I couldn’t move as I continued to stare into her eyes, remembering the times before. Old feelings resurfaced hard and fast, and I didn’t know what to do. As I tried to analyze and figure out my emotions, my heart went numb.
“Josh,” Shelly whispered. “I wanted us to be a family.” Then her words disappeared into my mouth.
I didn’t know she was kissing me at first until I shook out of my trance. Her kiss, so new and yet familiar, pulled me in. No! My mind cried. This is wrong. It feels wrong. But it should feel right. Isla and I were no longer together. I shouldn’t feel guilty. But as I kissed her back, all I thought was Isla. My memory flashed back to the feel of her, the scent and taste of her. Fuck! I pulled away, careful with Shelly’s emotions. “I’m sorry. I can’t,” I said softly.
Shelly’s lips curled a little, as if she had won this round. I had caved, and that was what she wanted. She had no idea Isla and I had broken up. “You kissed me back, Josh. That’s a good sign.” With that, she picked up the dropped boxes and carried them out. And I picked up the remaining ones.
“Emma. Time to open your presents.” Shelly handed one in front of her.
Emma’s eyes twinkled with fascination. She probably had no idea she would find a toy under the wrapper, but the bright, colorful paper caught her attention. It was amazing to see such innocence and the joy of discovering something new through Emma’s eyes.
About halfway through tearing and helping Emma open her presents, Shelly asked, “This is far off, but would you be able to spend Christmas with us? I was also thinking of taking a vacation to San Diego for a couple of days. Would you like to join us?”
“I—I need to check my calendar.” What the fuck was I saying, talking like we were a couple? The words flew out of my mouth before I knew what to say.
Shelly smiled. “No worries. Just let me know. It could be our first family trip together.” She lowered to Emma’s eye level. “You want Dada there, don’t you?”
“Dada.” Emma gazed at me, hugging a newly opened teddy bear that seemed as soft as Isla’s hair.
I shut out the thoughts of Isla. We’d broken up only a day before. I told myself it was common to have thoughts of her.
“Shell,” I began. “We need to talk about Emma. We need to set the ground rules now. I can take her every other weekend for now. My job is unsteady, so sometimes I might have to skip a weekend. I need to know you’re not going to give me a hard time.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “And if I do?”
I pinched my lips, anger flaring in my eyes. “I have the best lawyer, Shell. You don’t want to play games with me.”
Shelly seemed to have found humor in my words. Scooting closer to me, walking on her knees, she wedged herself between my legs and pushed me down in one fast swoop. She pinned my arms and straddled me, her cascading blonde hair creating a tunnel. Her face hung over me, filled with longing and wanting. But I couldn’t give her the same expression in return.
Feeling disgusted with myself, I pushed her off. “Stop. What the hell are you doing?”
She coiled her legs to her chest and hugged them tightly. “My desperate attempt to get you back, Josh,” she whimpered. “I know you still love me. Why won’t you give in? Why won’t you give our family a chance?”
Why couldn’t I give Shelly what she wanted? I was a free man. I should want to kiss her. I should be happy to start a life with my new family. But…
I paced back and forth in the small space of the living area and glanced over to Emma. Conflicting emotions roared in my head and heart. I wanted so much for her, to give her a happy family, one that wasn’t broken. Then I realized what I had known all along. Everyone had problems. No home would ever be perfect. Nothing was ever perfect. Perfect was only a word, not something tangible. The best thing I could do for Emma was to give her the best of me, and it would be enough. But I couldn’t give her the best of me if I wasn’t happy.
“I have to go,” I said. Bending down to Emma, I gave her a tight squeeze and kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you soon, princess. I promise.”
“Where are you going?” Shelly looked startled. Her eyes were wide and alert.
“I have something to take care of. I already told you I would stop by to see Emma open presents, and that was all.”
“But she’s not done.” Shelly stood up. If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought she blocked the door so I couldn’t leave.
I should want to stay. I should want to spend time with Shelly, but I didn’t. All I could think about was Isla, her smile, her warm friendly voice, and her beautiful heart. She fuckin’ let me go because she loved me. She wanted what was best for me. Real love is given unselfishly. Isla never threatened me or manipulated me.
“It’s okay. I have an appointment I can’t miss.” I rushed to the door with a new purpose.
“Fine.” Shelly snarled. “We might not be here tomorrow.”
I froze. My hand on the brass doorknob stopped turning. Looking at her squarely in the eyes, I said, “Shell. You either act mature about our situation, or I’ll make this really hard for you. And if you don’t answer your cell and you don’t let me know where you are, my lawyer will be all over your ass. I will take Emma away from you. Don’t underestimate me.”
Shelly’s eyes rounded in surprise or shock. I didn’t give her the chance to say anything. I walked out the door and straight to my car. The silent phone inside my pocket had been buzzing, so I knew I had tons to look through. Some would be work related and some social.
I checked my messages.
No text from Isla. What did I expect?
Jasmine: Don’t forget to call Mom and Dad. Please.
Me: I will.
I checked my email and social sites quickly just in case something was urgent. Nothing urgent so far, but the picture of me holding Emma created an epic buzz I had never seen before. People were liking, commenting, and saying things with hashtag #SexiestDadAlive. I wanted to tell Isla, but would she answer me back?
Me: Isla. We need to talk. Call me back.
First thing first. I had some issues to deal with. It was finally time. Pulling out my phone, I dialed my mother.
“Josh? Is that really you?” She sounded shocked and happy.
“Hi, Mom.” My tone remained neutral. “I need to talk to you and Dad.”
“Sure, honey. Can you come by tomorrow? We have a charity function to go to tonight, and your dad is being recognized.”
“Sure. What time?” I asked.
“How about four, and maybe we can have dinner if you’re free?” She sounded hopeful.
“Maybe.” I shrugged, th
ough she couldn’t see me. I wanted to tell her it would depend how our conversation went, but I kept my mouth shut.
“Okay. I’ll take the maybe. Then we’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
“Josh. You still there?”
“Yes.”
“I’m so happy you called. So happy.”
I heard a quiver in her tone, and unlike ever before, it gutted me. And I had no idea where that fuckin’ emotion came from.
Chapter 27
Isla
I sulked and cried until there was nothing left of me for four days in my brother’s spare room downstairs. When it was time for them to head to San Francisco for their anniversary mini-getaway, I woke up from the dead. I had to face the fact that I was better off without Josh. I even convinced myself Josh wasn’t good enough for me, and that someone else waited for me out there. Maybe it would be Logan. Maybe he could help me forget Josh. I could grow to love Logan in a matter of time. It was all about allowing time to heal. Time. I had plenty of it.
Watching my nieces was a great distraction. No more sulking. The girls and I were going to have a lot of fun. When I asked them what they wanted to do, baking cookies topped their list. So cooking it was after we had dinner.
“Auntie Isla, can I taste the batter?” Hanna asked, her sweet voice enveloping me as she stirred with the wooden spoon. It was hard not to give in.
“Do you remember what I told you about raw eggs?” I pointed inside the stainless steel bowl.
“Yes, but you let us have one lick the last time. Do you remember?” Her dark lashes batted at me.
“Just one. It tasted so good.” Hailey pouted. “Just one. Please.” She held up one finger, slightly bobbing up and down.
“All right.” I surrendered to their cuteness. “Just one lick.”