by M. Clarke
“See this cake, Emma?” I leaned her closer. “This is yours. You’re going to share it with people who love you. And …” I pulled Isla closer. “Isla catered your cake, so you’ll have to thank her.” I shifted to Isla, nibbled her ear lobe. “I’ll thank you behind closed doors, with cake this time.”
Isla lightly smacked my arm and pushed me away playfully, blushing. The clicking of the camera caught my attention back to Emma.
“We need to sing and take pictures before we eat the cake,” Shelly said.
“I’ll take pictures,” Dave offered, pulling his phone out of his back pocket.
Jasmine rooted herself in front of us with her phone up. “Me too.”
“I can too,” Olivia said, her phone shifting from side to side.
“You should’ve hired Tom from Hawaii,” Nathan joked.
I burst out a laugh, recalling how Tom made me laugh and frustrated at the same time. I still couldn’t believe I had told him he was done and walked off. Things I did in the name of love or lust. I chuckled to myself and said, “I should have. At least the pictures would turn out great.”
“Emma,” my friends called to get her attention.
“Emma,” Jasmine called out.
Clap! Clap! Clap! “Emma. Here.”
Snap! Snap! Snap! It happened so fast as flashes blinded my eyes.
“Dave, take a picture of us,” Shelly instructed, sliding beside me.
The three of us stood there with wide grins in front of the beautiful pink flowery cake. Shelly slid her arm around me as I held Emma up. To others, we looked like a happy family, the way it would have been if Shelly had not left me. Then after I felt we had taken enough pictures, I spotted Isla wedged between Nathan and Dave, slowly bringing her phone down while friends kept taking pictures. The hurt in her eyes and something unreadable held me pinned with worry. Thoughts I didn’t like were palpable in her expression.
I needed to reassure her we were fine, and that Shelly didn’t mean a thing to me. Just because the three of us took a picture didn’t mean I wanted Isla less. But as I stepped out of the scene and handed Emma back to Shelly, I felt lost between two worlds. That feeling was new to me. I’d never felt unsure about Isla before. In truth, I had no idea what I felt. Confused? Did old feelings resurface with Shelly’s return? I had no fucking clue. Play it one day at a time.
Isla avoided me while we sang happy birthday and had cake. She mingled with Olivia mostly and acted like nothing was wrong, but I knew something bothered her. Meanwhile, I engaged with the guests and tried to keep my contact with Shelly as minimal as possible. It wasn’t an easy task since she held Emma, and they were the main focus. Everyone wanted to be around them.
Isla was patient, and it took a lot for her to get upset. I reassured myself I was overreacting, but I knew Isla well, and something was definitely up. The party ended and couple by couple, people started to leave. Isla and I would be able to talk soon after in the room I had reserved for us. Whatever insecurities she had, I would make it up to her. I would fix it.
Chapter 25
Isla
I wanted to scratch Shelly’s eyeballs out of their sockets. The way she fawned over Josh, batting long eyelashes full of lust and want. I wanted to vomit all over her dainty, sexy dress that showed more curves than necessary. Jealousy raged through my bones, and it took every ounce of my willpower not to be a bitch and make a fool out of myself. God, again, I felt like the other woman in his life. Maybe I read too much into it. Maybe I put myself there? But you can’t make up feelings. They come from somewhere.
I almost lost my shit when Shelly slipped her arm around Emma to Josh at lunch and told him that was when she fell madly in love with him. Did he want to tell her the same thing too? Because I felt his body leaning into Emma before he stopped. Had Emma not been in the middle, their bodies would have connected on some level.
And when she asked him to go over to her place so he could watch Em open her presents. That was a trap. She was luring him in as much as she could and any way she could. I growled under my breath and yanked her long, beautiful hair in my mind. Josh is mine. Leave him the fuck alone, I wanted to say. Instead I shifted my attention to the conversation happening to the left of me, but my ears had a mind of their own. I wanted to know what Josh had told her, but I missed it. Would he skip our night together to be with Shelly and Em?
No. Stop it! I had to stop thinking before I drove myself insane. But…but… but…my heart bled slowly every time Shelly’s and Josh’s eyes connected, and every time they smiled because of something cute Emma did. Then the picture thing happened, making me feel like the third wheel.
I was not a fool, and I was not the type to brush the dirt under the rug. And I was certainly not the type to deny what I saw, what my eyes didn’t want to see. Josh still cared for Shelly. It was written all over his face when he looked at her, the way his eyes lingered on her body. Probably recalling the past. He could deny it until his face turned blue from holding his breath, but I couldn’t, no matter how much it hurt.
Can you love two people at the same time? I’d never felt that before, so I didn’t have an answer to my own question. I believed Nathan had once, but I couldn’t ask him. He was loyal to Josh. Josh and Shelly had a history I couldn’t compete with, and since she was the one who left him … well, to me that said it all. He loved her. True love doesn’t vanish with a break up. I had only weeks with him besides the year of our friendship, whereas at least a couple of years and a baby tied him to her.
Josh, Shelly, and Emma looked like a happy family during the picture. I didn’t fit in. There was no room for me. When Josh had asked me if I could date him knowing he had a child, I answered quickly with a yes. Josh having a baby was not the issue. Josh having an ex who still lingered in his heart—that was a problem. My eyes wandered to the beautiful family posing for pictures with their friends in front of the cake I had catered. So little of me to have such thoughts. Dear God, I sounded pathetic. Jealousy made me someone I didn’t recognize, didn’t like. And though I tried desperately not to show my hurt, Olivia saw it.
“Isla. It’s just a picture,” she whispered, taking a bite of the cake. Some guests sat back in their seats, and others gathered around Emma, but Olivia and I stood by the back wall. “By the way, I need to order my cake at this bakery from now on. Can you text me their info?”
“Sure.” Inhaling deep breaths, I told myself to get my shit together. Olivia was right. They were just taking pictures. But I realized that was the beginning of more things to come.
“Aren’t you going to have some?” Olivia asked.
“I’m not in the mood,” I replied with a heavy sigh.
Olivia scooped up another bite and said, “What are you thinking about?”
“What to do,” I said softly, watching Nathan head toward us with glasses of water in his hands. The way his eyes set on Olivia, only Olivia, as he strode to her. I wanted that. I wanted Josh to only look at me like that.
“Here you go, ladies.” Nathan handed both of us water and narrowed his eyes at me. “Why are you hiding?”
My eyes rounded. “What? I’m not hiding.”
He detected my lie and squared his eyes at me. “Isla. Josh picked you. You have nothing to worry about.”
“I didn’t know he had to choose?” I said with an attitude, lifting a brow, and then I immediately regretted my words. I released a breath. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound—”
“It’s fine, Isla. I understand.”
My lips twisted to one side. I hate myself. My nerves are whacked, and I’m jumpy and easily irritated.
Olivia draped her arm around me. “It’s okay, Isla. It only means you care. My emotions were all over the place too. You remember, don’t you?”
I tapped her hand on my shoulder. “Yeah, I remember.”
“Come on. Let’s go take a picture with Emma, and I want you in the picture.” Olivia began to tug my arm. Looking at Nathan for support, she gestured with
her head to help her. They practically dragged me across the room.
“Great,” I mumbled under my breath.
After the pictures were taken, Josh began helping Shelly carry the countless presents to her trunk. When I tried to help, he told me he would take care of it and asked me to meet him in our suite. I knew why. Shelly didn’t want me near them, and he was trying to put distance between us to keep the peace.
As I waited for Josh, I admired the luxury furniture and the grandness of the suite, trying to forget my concerns, but they didn’t want to be forgotten. So as I paced about, I debated what to do with all the emotions building up. Thirty minutes later, Josh walked through the double door, rubbing the nape of his neck.
“Hey. Sorry I took so long.” He plopped on the black leather sofa, seemingly deep in thought.
I walked to the window, which took up most of the back wall, and I admired the gorgeous view of the mountain. Folding my arms together in front of my chest, I took in the warmth of the sun’s rays filtering through and readied my heart to shatter to pieces on the floor.
“What the hell is going on, Josh?” My tone said it all, and I didn’t recognize the person who just yelled at the man I loved.
Josh flew off the sofa and stood before me. The strain in his features told me he wasn’t sure either. But he wasn’t stupid. He had caught my wary glances many times during the party and returned one that held questioning and concern. I was almost a hundred percent positive he knew we would have a talk—maybe not so much me blowing up at him like that.
“Isla.” He embraced me. When his body fired up a different kind of warmth, I backed away.
“Josh.” My eyes began to pool with tears, even though I had ordered myself not to cry as I went over the words in my head that would tear me apart. But anger poured out through every pore. I wanted to smack him upside the head and tell him to wake up. “You,” I spat, pointing a finger at him accusingly, my face burning with rage. Beginning with one single word, I unleashed my wrath and let him have the worst of me.
“I can’t believe you let her talk to me like I’m the other woman. And I can’t believe the things she says to make me feel like I’m nothing to you.” My fingers bunched together, and I trembled with rage with the thought of her. “Shelly has been nothing but rude to me. And you let her. Sure, I could’ve said something to her. I can stick up for myself, but I shouldn’t have to.”
Josh’s face paled, and his body stiffened. He inhaled a deep breath and rubbed the back of his nape. “I’m sorry, Isla. I know.” He nodded somberly and then met my eyes. “I swear I was going to say something to her if she kept it up. I thought she would stop. She knows we’re together.”
“The hell she does,” I retorted, releasing more of the monstrous resentment that had built up. And it felt so good to let it out. “She has no respect for our relationship. And what’s worse, I can’t believe I have to resort to this. I hate myself right now for acting all crazy with jealousy. I can’t believe I’m like this. Ugh!” I bunched my hair into balls in my hands and started to pace. Gathering all the courage I could summon, and before I became too weak to say what I wanted to say, I began, “I think…I think…”
“Tell me, Isla. What is it?” He pulled me to the sofa and sat beside me, his body angled to face me. Though I was still pissed off and didn’t want him to touch me, I relented because what I was about to say ripped out my heart, and it was my own decision.
I quickly wiped my tears, hating myself for being so weak. Unsure where to start or how to say it, I blurted it out. “I think it’s best we break up.”
Josh’s muscles became rigid, and bewilderment filled his eyes. “What? What are you talking about? Break up? Hell no. I promise to talk to Shelly. I’ll make this right.”
My tangled nerves knotted in my stomach lurched to my throat, and I couldn’t meet Josh in the eyes. “Yes. No.” I shook my head. “I mean you can make this right by fixing yourself first. You might not want to admit it, but you still love her. You can deny it all you want, but it’s written all over your face and your actions.”
Josh slouched back into the sofa, ruffling his hair, still looking baffled. “What did I do to make you think that? Tell me so I can explain.” His words flew out of his mouth in desperation.
I knew all my words would throw him off. Hell, I didn’t even know they would spill like that. “There’s no explaining, Josh.” My tone dipped softer. Taking his hand in mine, I continued. “The woman you loved, your first love, just came back into your life with your child after two years and wants you back. I know you’re confused, mostly because she left you, and I don’t think your heart ever got over that.”
Josh slipped his hand away and caressed my cheek. “But then you entered my life and started to heal me.”
“Maybe.” I blinked, enjoying his strokes, but I didn’t let myself enjoy it the way I used to. I shielded myself. The walls had started to build the second Shelly entered our home.
Josh dropped his hand, and cold air replaced it. “No, not maybe. It’s true. I was just—”
“Scared. I get it.” I pressed my lips together and then bit my bottom lip. “Scared because you didn’t want to lose my friendship, and scared because you never fully healed from Shelly, and maybe a piece of your heart waited for her to come back to you. You did hire a private investigator, after all.”
Josh scrubbed his face and inhaled a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose you. I can’t let you go. Shelly is my past. You are my future.”
My heart warmed, but I didn’t let it settle too long. “I want you to look at me and tell me there isn’t an ounce of what-if in your heart. That you don’t wonder what it would be like if you got back together with Shelly and tried to have a happy family for Emma.”
Josh started to rub his thumb, avoiding my eyes again, and then a few seconds later his head popped up. “Everyone has what-ifs. We all have crossroads in our lives, Isla. We make our choices. and we live with them. There’s no going back and fixing them.”
“But here is where you’re wrong, Josh. Shelly is back with your daughter, and she wants you back. I don’t think she’s ever fully left you either. I think she was scared too. After all, you were both young and immature, like we all are at that age. Some of us are still. You’ve practically been handed a second chance to build that happy family. Shelly isn’t nice to me, but she seems like a decent person and a good mother, too.” I couldn’t believe I was complimenting her. “We can’t ever be us if there’s a what-if between us. You won’t be able to love me completely if you never get your closure. And I will never love you the way you deserve because I will always wonder, too.” Tears pooled in my eyes again, but the fact that I planned to leave Josh killed me. I couldn’t believe my fate. I’d dreamt about us being together so long, and there I was shoving him to Shelly like a fool. But at the same time, I knew I was doing the right thing.
“I’m not going to win this, am I?” His eyes turned weary and glossy. “I gave you my heart, remember? And I can’t take it back.”
I smiled a little at how strong I was being at the moment, but I was breaking apart inside piece by piece as I pushed Josh further away. “I know I’ll always have a piece of your heart, Josh. I know you care about me. But as of now, you can’t tell me you love me because the other part of your heart is with Shelly. You love me a little bit more than as a friend, but you’re not ready to love me like I’m all yours.”
Josh dipped his head, gazing down at the marble floor. He was hurting, too. And when I saw the tears in his eyes as he looked up at me, his hands slightly trembling, I died a little more. I didn’t think my already shattered heart could break any more, but it did, consuming me so much I could hardly breathe. He seemed lost and confused, drowning from losing me, but also gaining a freedom to go back to Shelly.
“Please, Isla.” His bluish-green eyes darkened, begging for me to understand.
Please what, Josh? If he told me he only loved me and fought for me, I would
give in, but he didn’t. It only proved my suspicions. My instincts were right. He still cared about Shelly.
I jerked as Josh cupped my face and pulled me in for a kiss. His last, desperate attempt to save us, but it was too late. We’d both crossed over the line, but I crossed back without him, before he could stop me. It took every ounce of my willpower to hold back. God, it was torture. Breaking up wasn’t how I had planned our first getaway night together.
When I didn’t reciprocate the kiss, he released me, defeated. Then he placed his head on my lap. “I’m so sorry, Isla. I never meant to hurt you. I care so much about you. I don’t even know how to fix this.” His words mumbled in my dress, but I heard every aching word with crystal clarity. My gut told me I was doing right by him, by me, and by us.
I stroked his hair, enjoying the way it felt between my fingers, memorizing the sensations of touching him, for I may never get another chance. “I don’t know what you will decide, but I want you to know whatever the outcome, I’m still your friend. It may take some time to fix our friendship, but you and I know it will never be the same.” Tears fell down my cheeks, every drop the truth, every drop a piece of my pain released. “You know as well as I that eventually our fairytale friendship would’ve ended, and I would’ve moved out if we didn’t get together. We couldn’t be like that forever. We have to grow up and live our own lives. Life isn’t a fairytale. Sometimes you have to fight for happily ever after. And sometimes you just have to let go.”
Josh gripped me tighter, his body trembling, and then he pulled himself together to look at me and caress my hair. “You deserve the best, a man who can give you all of him. You’re right. I’ve been running away from this pain. I need closure. But know that I really care about you. I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I’m hurting right now, too. I don’t expect you to wait for me, but…”
“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, Josh.” I attempted to smile, but all I could give him was a twist of my lips. Sniffling, not wanting to drag it on, I stood up. In truth, we could sit there forever and debate the whole situation. “I think I should go now,” I said. It calmed me to unleash what had troubled me and know I did the right thing for all of us. “We already know what to do. The longer I stay here…” I couldn’t finish my words.