by KC Burn
“Since we’re digging into secrets tonight, I have a question for you.” Raven poked his side with a finger before stroking it. Caleb shivered and bit his lip. He loved when Raven touched him.
“Okay, shoot.” Caleb didn’t really have any secrets. Not ones he needed to keep from Raven, and he somehow knew Raven was happier deflecting attention from himself for a bit.
“Why haven’t you come out to your family? I mean, you told me you hadn’t, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like Jaime is out to the family. So it’s not fear of being disowned, is it?”
Huh. Raven had managed to hit on a topic that wasn’t exactly secret but was a tender, vulnerable spot. But Raven had given him a little piece of himself, and the fact that Raven wanted to know the hidden pieces of Caleb confirmed his belief that Raven was as invested in this relationship as Caleb.
“Remember I told you about my mom’s cancer?”
Raven nodded against his chest, and Caleb continued. “Well, she got sick while I was in high school, and just discovering that I liked boys more than girls. It was a stressful few years for all of us, and I didn’t want to add to that stress by coming out, even though Jaime had and no one disowned him. I confided in Jaime, and he understood why I didn’t want to rock the boat. But after my mom recovered, not only was I fully committed to pretending to be straight, she started telling me how much she was looking forward to having grandchildren. It was a lot of pressure, but at least she seemed to understand that I was young and not ready for that commitment. Until recently, anyway. She’s started talking about it more and more, and I haven’t wanted to destroy her hopes.” During the past couple of years—since he’d turned thirty, actually—everyone in the family had started putting the pressure on, like thirty was some magic age where he needed to grow the fuck up and start procreating already.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. I understand. Just relax. I only wanted to know, I’m not asking you to tell your family or anything.” Raven gently stroked his chest, and Caleb realized how tense he’d become. He let out a huge sigh and stroked Raven’s arm. Just the mere touch of Raven’s skin was enough to help him focus on more important things, like how good and how right it felt to be right here, in the dark, with his boyfriend.
Raven’s musky male scent drifted up to his nose, and he shifted them slightly so he could kiss and lick at Raven’s neck. Blue balls be damned, he needed a little taste. The sudden catch of breath, followed by a tiny moan had him smiling against the warm skin of Raven’s neck.
“C’mere.” Raven coaxed his chin up and started kissing him, licking at his lips, seeking entrance. Caleb opened immediately—whatever Raven wanted, Caleb wanted to give him.
He cupped the back of Raven’s head, gently enough that Raven knew he could get free if he wanted. He never wanted to push Raven into another panic attack—sex was supposed to feel good, not scary. Or at least not that scary.
Caleb widened his mouth, letting the kiss become hungrier, more frantic, and Raven’s immediate, enthusiastic response went right to his cock.
He let that exquisite agony continue as long as he could, until he was so turned on he needed to stop or start humping his boyfriend. Raven might be ready for some frotting with clothes on soon, but they both needed Raven to be the one to initiate it. Even though Raven’s erection nudged him, Raven wasn’t deliberately seeking friction, and finally, Caleb had to tear away from the kiss.
Raven stared at him, eyes dark, chest rising and falling rapidly. “Too much?”
Caleb smiled. God, this man was so fucking sexy it hurt, but in a good way. “Yeah, getting there.”
Raven drew in a deep breath. “You want to turn the TV back on?”
“Nah. I’m enjoying the storm.” Like Mother Nature had heard and approved, the skyline lit up with several different forks of electricity, lighting up the room bright as day. The light faded, leaving him with a negative afterimage on his retinas.
Raven lay back down against his chest, and Caleb waited for his erection to subside.
“I have a confession to make,” Raven said quietly.
“Oh? What is it?” It was early enough in their relationship that Caleb didn’t know if he should be worried or not.
“I broke the air conditioner in the hotel room on purpose, hoping you’d be back to fix it.”
For a few moments, Caleb let that sink in. Then he started to laugh. “I knew there was something weird about the way that unit malfunctioned.”
“So I guess you’re not angry.”
“No, not at all. In fact, I was hoping that you were going to answer the door. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about you after that first service call.”
“Me neither.” Raven kissed his chest and squeezed his hand.
“But you know, I don’t think you ever mentioned. What were you doing in the hotel?” Caleb almost never stayed in a local hotel unless he expected to be somewhere where he’d be getting drunk or laid. Given Raven’s accident and his worries about sex, he knew Raven hadn’t been there for a weekend sexcapade.
Now it was Raven’s turn to tense.
“They had a high school reunion. A friend of a friend needed a date, so I, uh, did it.”
There was something weird about Raven’s tone. “And?”
“There wasn’t any sex or anything, but he paid me. I mean, I haven’t been able to work since the accident, and I can’t live off the settlement and my savings forever. It seemed like easy money, you know.”
“That seems reasonable.” Caleb believed him 100 percent that there was no sex. But… “Is that the sort of work you want to do?” He really didn’t want that for Raven, but it wasn’t really up to him.
Raven shuddered. “No. The guy was a total asshole, and I’m not into that much ego stroking. His name was Jeremy, and… yuck. He kept touching me, acting like I was his boyfriend, and one night he drank too much and thought because he was paying for my time he was also paying for my body.”
Anger flashed through Caleb. “What happened? Are you okay?”
Raven kissed his cheek. “I’m fine. Remember, I left home at eighteen. I’ve been on my own for a long time and can take care of myself.”
“What about the police?”
“Oh, it never got that far, and our mutual friend made sure he knew he was in the wrong. It was annoying, sure, but not worth calling the cops.”
Caleb wasn’t happy that someone had hurt Raven, and if he’d known at the time, he might have sought the guy out to let him know he was in the wrong too. But he was glad that Raven wasn’t interested in being a paid escort, sex or no sex. Jealousy wasn’t a pretty emotion, but even though Caleb would probably be jealous each time, he was more concerned that Raven would encounter someone who wouldn’t take no for an answer, and who Raven wasn’t able to fend off.
“And you’re sure you’re okay?”
So many things to worry about—to fear—in a relationship, and yet, Caleb wasn’t interested in giving Raven up. His emotions were more involved than they’d ever been, but this was an example of scary being good. More than good, and he couldn’t wait to see where this led.
“I’m okay. I promise.”
Caleb let it go and gave Raven another kiss. “C’mon. Let’s go to bed.”
Raven nodded, smiling. The fact that Raven wasn’t afraid to go to bed with him, wasn’t afraid Caleb would go too far, meant the world to him. Maybe getting involved in a relationship where he might never have sex was crazy, but he couldn’t help it. Raven had him captivated and he didn’t see that ending anytime soon.
Chapter FOURTEEN
CALEB SLID into the U-shaped booth next to Raven. “Hey, babe.”
“Hi.” Raven squeezed his knee and brushed a kiss across his lips, making him smile. This restaurant was quite gay friendly, one they’d discovered on a date early in their relationship. They’d been together almost a month, and Raven couldn’t be happier.
“Jaime’s going to be a little late tonight. Accident on the G
reen Belt right before his shift ended. He said to order appetizers, and he’ll text if he won’t make it to dinner.”
“That sucks.” Both for the poor people who needed Jaime’s help, and for the long hours it meant for Jaime. After their unusual introduction, Jaime had spent a few nights hanging out with them, although he often left earlier, either with a guy he’d picked up or to go to a club where he’d be guaranteed a guy to pick up. Jaime was a bit of a man slut, but so charming no one cared, not even the conquests who’d hoped to hold on to him for more than a night or two. Raven was the last person on earth who’d judge him for that. The guy worked really hard, and if sex relaxed him, more power to him.
The one thing they hadn’t done yet was have Will go out with them. Sure, Caleb and Will interacted briefly if Caleb picked him up after a Tartan Candy event, but Raven hadn’t quite figured out how to explain about the porn thing. Everything had been going so well, and he didn’t want to rock the boat. At some point, he’d have to say something, if only to avoid Caleb stumbling across a movie of his on the Internet. Making Will lie for him didn’t seem right, and he just thanked whatever deity had been looking out for him so far that Caleb hadn’t thought to ask exactly how Raven met Will.
Until Raven figured out the best way to broach the topic, he juggled everything by hanging out with Will during business hours or the couple of times Caleb had met his friend Francesca after work. Otherwise, he and Caleb spent all their free time together, even during the week. They hadn’t had any more weekday platonic sleepovers, but the two weekends where Raven hadn’t had any Tartan Candy engagements had been… sleepovers. No sex yet, but plenty of separate showers where he rubbed out some of the sexual tension, and he could only assume Caleb did as well. Caleb had been so patient with him, and Raven was falling in love with him for it. Raven couldn’t imagine this feeling inside being anything other than love.
Before he could admit anything, though, he was going to have to come clean with the last of his secrets. He and Will had discussed it a couple of times, and Raven was afraid the knowledge would change how Caleb viewed him in relation to sex. Raven was sure having sex first would help ease the transition, but Will told him he was merely procrastinating.
He wasn’t ashamed of it, but there were plenty of people who’d tried to shame him for his work at Idyll Fling, even men who’d consumed every film he’d ever made. Until he was ready, he’d wallow in the unexpected freedom of pretending he was just a normal guy.
Besides, Caleb knew damn well he wasn’t normal; this was just one more thing in a long list of Raven’s life crap. Raven had already revealed his lack of a father, his unsupportive, disinterested mother, and the extreme bullying he put up with until he graduated high school. He’d skimmed over how desperate he’d been to keep body and soul together in those dark days after he’d turned eighteen and his mom had changed the locks while he was out. He’d found Idyll Fling before he’d had to start turning tricks, although he’d come close. But he had more baggage than the Orlando International Airport at spring break.
Making porn hadn’t been as difficult for him as it was for some, nor was it born of previous abuse. Possibly, it fed a deep-seated insecurity, his need to be admired and liked, but it also allowed him to buy a condo, buy his bike, and pay for college. Even if it cost him Caleb—which he was 80 or 90 percent sure wouldn’t happen—he had no regrets.
But as they approached their one-month anniversary, Raven was thinking more and more about sex with Caleb. Maybe on their anniversary—hopefully that wasn’t too silly for Caleb.
“You seem deep in thought.” Caleb stroked a finger down the inside of Raven’s arm, giving him goose bumps. They’d explored enough that Caleb knew damn well how much Raven liked it. At least he hadn’t started kissing the inside of his wrist. That spot was super sensitive, and it was a spot never discovered by any of his previous partners. So far, it was the one thing that had made him consider just spreading his legs for Caleb, regardless of his fears, but Caleb always pulled back before Raven could throw caution to the wind.
“Just thinking about you.”
“Hmm. I can’t object to that. I think about you all the time too.” Caleb smiled and kissed him in between feeding him appetizers.
The plate was almost empty, and they were wondering if they should just order entrees, assuming Jaime wasn’t going to make dinner at all, when he showed up, breathless and hair still damp from a shower.
“Oh my God, you guys were feeding each other. That’s so disgustingly cute I may have lost my appetite.” Jaime slid in beside Raven and gave him a noisy kiss on his cheek.
Raven rolled his eyes, but he’d never had a relationship with anyone like Jaime. Not only was Jaime Caleb’s friend but also his family. Family who knew and accepted what they were to each other, and that was so far beyond anything Raven could have imagined for himself, he sometimes wondered if he was still in a coma after the accident.
“Shut it, ass,” Caleb said, but lovingly. “You’re just jealous.”
“Of your hot boyfriend? Of course I am. Why do you think I’m sitting next to him?” Jaime gave Raven’s neck an exaggerated nuzzle. “What are you doing with a stick-in-the-mud like Caleb, huh? You should be with the sexier cousin.”
Raven couldn’t hold in a chuckle. He adored this playfulness. “Jaime, I hate to break it to you, but I am with the sexier cousin.”
Jaime and Caleb had similar coloring and build, but different features, due to Caleb’s Sanderson genes.
“Jaime, get your diseased mitts and muzzle off my boyfriend and figure out what you want for dinner.”
As much as Caleb bantered, Raven could see the hint of true jealousy underneath it all. No one had ever been jealous over Raven before. Not like this. They hadn’t said words of love yet, but he suspected they were there, for both of them. Happier than he’d ever been, he kissed Caleb and squeezed his hand.
“You know he’s joking, right?” He couldn’t bear for Caleb to be upset, and he certainly didn’t want this to fester into anything uncomfortable. Caleb had told him how much his relationship with Jaime meant to him.
“I know. I’m glad you two get along.” Nothing but truth came through in Caleb’s words, and Raven relaxed.
After they ordered food, Raven poked Jaime in the side. “Get up, I need to pee.”
Jaime rolled his eyes. “TMI, por favor.”
“Yeah, like I haven’t heard worse from you. Nothing like discussing differences in taste and consistency of semen over dinner.”
Jaime moved but didn’t even blush. Not like it was the first time Raven had ever discussed such a thing—modesty on set died after about thirty seconds, but hearing about it out in the real world while they were eating had surprised Raven. Maybe it was the health-care thing. Or maybe Jaime just liked shocking people if he could. It’d take more than that to shock Raven, but Jaime didn’t know that.
CALEB COULDN’T help watching Raven’s ass as he walked to the restroom. He knew what it felt like cupped in his hands but didn’t know what it tasted like. He was a giant, walking, horny erection most days, it seemed, but somewhere he found the strength to pull away when they made out. It was all very chaste, relatively speaking, but no matter how often he had to jack off to relieve his blue balls, his deepening connection with Raven was worth every day they spent not having sex.
Go figure. Not having sex was actually a good thing. He wanted to wait until Raven was ready; otherwise he’d never forgive himself for causing the man he was coming to love any distress.
“You have it so bad, papi,” Jaime hooted in his ear.
“What?” He didn’t keep secrets from Jaime, but he hadn’t been able to admit how deep his feelings for Raven ran. Mostly because he’d have to fess up to some hard truths. Like the little house with a yard he yearned to buy, and share with Raven. Getting a cat that they both could love on. Shared bed, shared responsibilities, shared finances, shared assets—he wanted it all. Idyllic dreams that he had no b
usiness having, not unless he was willing to take one big step. But he couldn’t do that to his mom, disappoint her like that. His family would wonder at him moving in with a roommate at this age, and he wasn’t a good enough actor to pretend, if they had visitors, that Raven didn’t mean so much more to him.
“Ass.” Jaime poked him hard in the ribs, and Caleb twisted around to glare at him. “You can’t even stop looking at him when he’s going to take a goddamn leak.”
Caleb didn’t know what to say. Jaime was right, but admitting it would only make things worse. When it was just him and Raven, he could pretend that they were the only two in the world.
Jaime shook his head. “You’ve been avoiding the family since you started up with Raven, and don’t get me wrong, I love seeing you so happy, but you can only put off the family for so long with excuses about too much work.”
He didn’t want to think about this now, because he didn’t want to face reality, but he’d been betting on the fact that their initial attraction would peak and fade. But it was only getting more intense, and now there were feelings. Feelings like he’d never had for another lover.
“I know, I know.”
“What about the party? What are you going to do?”
Yet another thing he was trying not to think about. His family was hosting a huge anniversary party for his parents, as big as any of the weddings they’d had, in less than two weeks. He wanted to bring Raven. He wanted his family to love Raven as much as he did, but the thought of his mother’s disappointment made him nearly sick.
“I don’t know. He knows I’m not out to the family, but I haven’t asked if he wants to go anyway. As a ‘friend.’”
Jaime poked around the remnants of the cheese sticks they’d had for appetizers and nibbled on what was left. “You know what I think.”
“I do.” Jaime understood why Caleb hadn’t come out in high school, but he thought the time for keeping the secret was long past. Still, like the friend he was, he didn’t push. Often.