e Squared
Page 18
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.33
Subject: Re: Vodka trip
You’re pulling my leg, aren’t you? Everyone says you have a reputation as a leg-puller.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.36
Subject: Re: Vodka trip
I’m being straighter than I’ve ever been in my life, Harvey. It’s a scam. Here’s how it works. Someone called Charity or Comfort or Big Chief Smiley Face sends out 50,000 e-mails saying they’ve got several tens of millions of dollars and they need to transfer it double-quick to a nice safe UK account. They promise you a percentage if you provide them with your bank details. Most recipients trash it straight away, but a few feeble-minded idiots respond. The next thing they know, they’ve had all their assets stripped. Even fewer feeble-minded idiots get hit with a further request to come to Nigeria. The unlucky ones get macheted and DHL-ed back home in several parcels. The lucky few merely get robbed blind, stripped naked and dumped on the steps of their embassy.
Please tell me you’re not going to go. Apart from anything else, you’ll leave me right in the shit on GIT. Have you seen Gold’s e-mail shopping list?
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.39
Subject: Re: Vodka trip
Sorry about GIT, but I have to go. She sounds completely genuine. I’m sure she’s not tricking me.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.41
Subject: Re: Vodka trip
The first rule of any successful con is plausibility, HH. Haven’t you learned anything working in advertising? How do you think Nike gets away with charging over a ton for a pair of sweat-shop trainers? If you go over there, you’ll be met by a delegation of gangsters in white croc-skin loafers. They’ll eat you alive.
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.44
Subject: Re: Vodka trip
What if you’re wrong? A young life is at stake. In situations like this I always ask myself what the Doctor would do. He would go to Nigeria, just as he landed the TARDIS in the heart of the Dalek mother ship in the Series Three Finale.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.47
Subject: Re: Vodka trip
You’re not going to listen to reason, are you?
From: Harvey Harvey
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 13.51
Subject: Re: Vodka trip
No. I’ve booked my ticket. I fly at 5.30. Have to go home and pack. Can you tell Ted I’m sorry?
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.06
Subject: Milton
OMG, you’re right. He looks terrible. His BB audition is next Tuesday. Way too soon to get him into cosmetic surgery.
From: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.08
Subject: Re: Milton
Did you see literally everyone in the restaurant staring at him? I feel so awful. What can we do?
From: Milton Keane
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier, Dotty Podidra
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.09
Subject: Buzzing!
Did you see literally everyone in Wagamama staring at me? I feel totally fab! Move over, Brad! How does “Mingelina” sound??
From: Dotty Podidra
To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.10
Subject: Re: Milton
Judging by his last e, think we’d better just go with the flow for now. Setting him straight might make him totally flip.
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe, Harvey Harvey
Cc: Bill Geddes
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.21
Subject: Ketel One
You two top concept wranglers care to join me in my gaff? Bill G is going to give us a pre-trip briefing on the delights of premium hand-baked vodka.
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.25
Subject: Re: Ketel One
Be there in a tick. Harvey won’t be joining us. He sends his apologies.
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.27
Subject: Re: Ketel One
Where the fuck is he?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Ted Berry
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.28
Subject: Re: Ketel One
He’s gone to Nigeria to save a life. Suspect he’ll be returning in a body bag.
From: Ted Berry
To: Liam O’Keefe
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.30
Subject: Re: Ketel One
At least the Nigerians will have saved us the pay-off. My office now. You can handle K1 on your own.
From: Neil Godley
To: All Staff
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.38
Subject: Help Is at Hand!
In the interests of fostering an all-hands-to-the-pump Dunkirk spirit, I am prepared to release the stationery I have brought in for strictly personal use. I have watermarked stationery and matching envelopes in powder blue and mint green. Offer limited to two sheets/one envelope per person.
Neil Godley (Accounts)
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: All Staff
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.42
Subject: Help Is at Hand, 2!
I also have several Dr. Who notepads for general use. They’re not strictly mine, but I don’t think Harvey Harvey will be needing them again.
From: David Crutton
To: Dotty Podidra
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.43
Subject:
gett un hrer amd du e fir ne. we havr oir mann!
From: David Crutton
To: Neil Godley
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.49
Subject: I’ve got your number, you thieving gobshite
Do not imagine for one second that your sanctimonious and frankly creepy Christian act fools me. I know your game and I am closing in. It is only a matter of time before I have the evidence. And believe me, by the time I’ve finished with you, you’ll be begging for the sanctuary of a police cell.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 20 January 2009, 14.52
Subject: Operation Thief Kill
I firmly believe Godley is our man, though he is clearly an extremely clever operator and we will have difficulty making a case against him. The police obviously lack the will/mental rigor to see this through, given their abject failure to pin the theft of the copier on him.
I suggest an alternative course of action.
I’ve had an interesting conversation with Zlatan Kovaćević. He has useful contacts in the private-security sector. I want his people working on this as a matter of urgency. Get the number from him and I will sign the necessary purchase order.
From: Milton Keane
To: All Staff
Sent: 20 January 2009, 15.00
Subject: Interns
Any interns free to take a piccy of the new More Rugged Me for my Facebook and MySpace profiles?
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: All Staff
Sent: 20 January 2009, 15.12
Subject: Interns
Any lady interns free to be photographed with a ciggy in the mouth? Would help if you look vaguely like Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, but no worries because Photoshop will do the hard work.
From: Bill Geddes
To: Kazu Makino
Sent: 20 January 2009, 15.21
Subject: Don
; You heard anything untoward about Our Man En Route to Rio yet?
From: Kazu Makino
To: Bill Geddes
Sent: 20 January 2009, 15.24
Subject: Re: Don
Slight panic when I read a report of a plane putting down in a field near Tampa, but turned out to be a cargo flight of quail eggs that exploded on sudden depressurization. So far so good.
From: Ted Berry
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 20 January 2009, 16.09
Subject:
Adrijana and Zlatan have just presented me with a campaign of 96-sheet posters drawn up entirely on rolling papers. The stationery shortage is getting ridiculous. Get it sorted. Please.
From: Janice Crutton
To: Paula Sterling
Sent: 20 January 2009, 16.14
Subject:
Get hold of Mr. Abbas at Spectre Security & Surveillance and tell him we’ve got a problem. Tamara is picking up my home phone, but the monitor says she’s in a Hackney crack den. Either his overpriced device is on the blink or my daughter is an electronic wiz—maybe she has been paying attention in her science classes after all.
Wednesday
Mood: insomniac insomniac
bbc.co.uk/news
British man arrested in Brazil
A British man has been arrested after landing in Rio de Janeiro on a British Airways flight from Heathrow.
Donald Gold, a 42-year-old British advertising executive, was arrested at Rio de Janeiro’s Galeão International Airport after being physically restrained by cabin crew during the flight from London.
Apparently convinced that the flight crew had died from unspecified poisoning and that the aircraft was flying itself, he tried to gain entry to the Boeing 747’s flight deck. Bienvenida Bebeta Bezerra, who was sitting close to Gold, said: “He was drinking and taking pills all through the journey and he seemed jumpy, but I didn’t think anything of it—who isn’t terrified stupid at 10,000 meters? But then he jumped to his feet and started screaming, ‘They’re all dead, they’re all dead, and we will all die too!’ I told him to calm down, but he shouted at me that he was the only man who could fly the aeroplane. Then he ran to the front and the next time I see him the stewardesses are pushing him to the floor and putting the handcuffs on him. They were quite rough. I think they give him a black eye and stamp on him hard in their high heels. The whole thing was terrifying.”
Fiona West, British Airways Director of Long Haul Operations, said: “The safety of the flight and the passengers is of paramount importance. The cabin crew behaved in exemplary fashion and followed the procedure for dealing with in-flight incidents to the letter. The matter is now in the hands of the Brazilian authorities.”
Gold remains in custody at Galeão International and has yet to be charged with any offense.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 21 January 2009, 03.21
Subject: Operation Thief Kill
I want 24-hour surveillance on Godley. CCTV in his cubicle and a bug on his phone. Also, have IT assign one of their techies to monitor his e-mail and internet usage.
Sent from my BlackBerry
bbc.co.uk/news
Air-rage suspect faces
terror interrogation
The British executive at the center of an air-rage incident is being questioned as a terror suspect.
Donald Gold, arrested in Rio de Janeiro after an incident aboard a British Airways flight, was found to be carrying what was described as terrorist propaganda in his baggage. A spokesman for Brazil’s National Intelligence Service said: “Señor Donald Gold is being held under Brazil’s anti-terror laws following the discovery of dangerous propaganda. His baggage contained large glossy pictures of Osama Bin Laden and Kim Jong-Il, which are clearly designed to incite terrorist violence and sedition in our peace-loving country. Señor Gold has been transferred to the jurisdiction of the CIA under Brazil’s anti-terror accord with the Government of the United States.”
Gold’s current whereabouts are unknown. No one at the US State Department in Washington or CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia, was available for comment.
From: David Crutton
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 21 January 2009, 04.06
Subject: Operation Thief Kill
Further thought on the Godley case: have an intern tail him when he leaves the building. Actually, a team of interns with a rota to follow him round the clock.
Sent from my BlackBerry
From: Liam O’Keefe
To: Harvey Harvey
Sent: 21 January 2009, 04.12
Subject: Are you still alive?
Don’t go getting ideas above your station, sunshine. You’re not the only reason I’m awake at four in the fucking morning. Mostly to do with the fact that the bastard bailiffs took both my bed and my sofa yesterday. But—fuck knows why—I am worried about you. If you’re not—as I fear—lying dismembered in a disused section of oil pipeline, but are checking your e-mails in some backstreet internet caff while knocking back one of the many non-alcoholic malted beverages for which Nigeria is rightly famous, please write and let me know.
Your fucked-up guardian angel
Friday
Mood: paranoid
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.15
Subject: Security
As you know, XL Enforcement is working with us to enhance general security. To this end, bag searches are mandatory for everyone leaving the building. Rest assured, however, that strip searches will be kept to a minimum. From time to time, XL operatives may need to question employees. The former stationery cupboard in the basement has been set aside for this purpose.
Hopefully these essential security measures will bring to an end the recent spate of property theft and we can all return to normal.
Thank you for your cooperation.
From: Sally Wilton
To: All Staff
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.20
Subject: New stationery arrangements
You will no doubt be pleased to learn that our stationery inventory has been fully replenished. The new super-secure stationery vault is located on the third floor and has been fitted with a state-of-the-art steel-titanium-laminate door designed to withstand a blast of up to 1.2 megatons. Access can be obtained via a 16-digit code, which will be changed daily. Anyone needing stationery supplies must fill in the new Stationery Requisition Form (SR1-B), which they should then take to their department head. Only department heads are permitted access to the vault.
Thank you for your cooperation.
From: Adrijana Smiljanić
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.26
Subject: Re: New stationery arrangements
So if I want glue stick, I fill up form, take to Ted, he memorize big code, go in lift to floor 3, open safe, get out glue stick and bring back to me?
From: Sally Wilton
To: Adrijana Smiljanic
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.28
Subject: Re: New stationery arrangements
Yes! Glad my e-mail made everything so clear.
From: Adrijana Smiljanić
To: Sally Wilton
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.29
Subject: Re: New stationery arrangements
Very clear, thank you. Also fucking crazy.
From: Neil Godley
To: Caroline Zitter
Sent: 23 January 2009, 09.31
Subject: A totally confidential matter
Dear Caroline
As the one senior partner who has the interests of “rank-and-file” staff at heart, you’re the only person I can turn to. I am certain my phone is bugged and I am being followed whenever I leave the building. Also, a pizza delivery van is permanently parked outside my flat. You’ll probably think I’m being paranoid, but I tried phoning the number on the side to order a four seasons and I got a min
icab office in Ipswich. I believe I have been targeted for “special treatment” by a certain member of senior management. I don’t know how much longer I can carry on performing my company duties in this atmosphere. I would normally be outraged, but to be honest, I’m too scared.