Warren the 13th and The All-Seeing Eye: A Novel

by Tania del Rio

  Petula nodded. “What on earth were you doing in there anyway?”

  “My aunt locked me in.”

  “How dreadful!”

  Warren shrugged. He’d grown accustomed to Annaconda’s cruelty, but he appreciated Petula’s concern. It was nice to talk to someone his own age. He began telling her all about his aunt and her evil sisters and their plan to steal the All-Seeing Eye.

  “But that’s not fair!” Petula said. “If the treasure really exists, it sounds like your ancestors wanted you to have it. Not some stranger who married your uncle a few months ago.”

  Warren shook his head sadly. “If I try to stop them, they’ll use dark magic to make my life miserable. Scalene can turn into a wolf, Isosceles can turn into a vulture, and Annaconda … well, you can probably imagine what she can turn into.”

  Petula shivered. “I hate snakes.”

  “Me, too,” Warren said. “So you see, there’s nothing I can do.”

  “Sure, there is,” said Petula. “You just have to find the journal before they do.”

  “But I’ve looked everywhere!”

  “Then you’ll have to look everywhere all over again,” Petula said. “But this time I’ll help you. We can hunt for it together.”

  Warren was struck by the kindness of her offer. First Sketchy and now Petula–he couldn’t remember the last time he’d made two friends in one day!

  * * *

  TUO SI TERCES EHT

  he triangle coven sat around a table in Annaconda’s room, scheming to recover the lost book and decipher its text. “We must spread out and search every room thoroughly,” Annaconda said. “The journal must be here somewhere!”

  “But the hotel is so big and there are so many rooms,” Scalene said with a moan. She was almost as lazy as Uncle Rupert.

  “Perhaps we could convince our ugly little nephew to search on our behalf,” Isosceles suggested.

  “Fools!” Annaconda snapped. “The reason I summoned you here was so that you could help! Besides, I would never trust the boy to turn over the journal if he found it.”

  “I say we skip the book and head straight for the treasure!” said Scalene. “That’s what I’m interested in!”

  Annaconda shook her head. “Listen, you lackwits. I’ve spent the past four months searching in vain for the All-Seeing Eye. This pathetic page is the closest thing I’ve found that hints of its whereabouts; the rest of the journal is the key. If you’re unwilling to put in the effort and help me find it, then pack up and leave!”

  Isosceles squawked. “And let you have the treasure all for yourself? Ha!”

  “That’s right,” Scalene said. “I’m not going anywhere until I get my fair share. I can’t very well return to the pub empty-handed. I told everyone I was coming to get it!”

  “Whaaaat did you say?” Annaconda’s eyes narrowed into slits.

  “Everyone is expecting me to return with an amazing treasure!” Scalene said, rolling her eyes as though the situation were obvious. “I can’t let them down.”

  Annaconda quaked with rage. “You told an entire restaurant … ,” she grated through tightly clenched teeth, “full of people … about the All-Seeing Eye?”

  “Well, I couldn’t just leave without telling them where I was going!” said Scalene, offended. “I’m a regular!”

  “And you,” Annaconda turned, setting her sights on Isosceles. “I hope you had more sense than your sister. Tell me you kept our plans a secret.”

  “You never said it was a secret,” Isosceles said, frowning. “You should have told us it was a secret!”

  “It was implied!” Annaconda roared. “And how many people did you brag to?”

  “I wouldn’t call it bragging exactly,” Isosceles shot back. “I was simply sharing exciting news with people I’m close to.

  Oh, and my livery driver and my–”

  “Enough!” Annaconda interrupted. “Let’s hope no one believed your tall tales. I take comfort in knowing that only a fool would be crazy enough to come all this way–”

  Annaconda’s own rant was interrupted by the crackle of the intercom. “Warren!!!” Rupert’s voice wailed. “Lobby, please, straightaway! We have new guests! Lots of new guests!”

  arren could hear the alarm in Uncle Rupert’s voice. He and Petula quickly unlocked the sewing room door and scrambled downstairs. When they arrived in the lobby, Warren was astonished at the sight. The room was packed with guests, well over a hundred, all shouting and jostling to check in at the front desk.

  Beyond the double doors was an even bigger crowd vying to get inside. Warren had never seen so many different kinds of people–it was as if they had come from all over the world. He wanted to speak with each and every one, to hear stories about where they were from and what they had seen. It was all tremendously exciting.

  As he and Petula pushed through the throng, they overheard snippets of conversations; the most frequently repeated words were “treasure” and “eye.” A woman dressed in a fancy gown was digging in a planter. A man in a surgeon’s coat was using a sharp metal tool to pry up a loose tile. A stout hobo in a tattered suit had managed to elbow his way behind the desk and was using his bindle to jimmy open a file cabinet. Rupert was occupied with trying to push him out.

  “My goodness!” Petula exclaimed.

  “Where did all these people come from?” Warren asked.

  “Help!” Rupert cried.

  Warren hurried over and tried to calm his uncle. “Just handle the people one at a time,” he said. “Everyone will have to take turns checking in.” Then Warren raised his voice above the din, asking the guests to form an orderly line. It took several minutes and much pushing and shoving but eventually they obeyed his request.

  At the head of the line was a burly man in a khaki safari outfit. He pounded rudely on the desk. “Ahem! Excuse me! My family and I require a room!”

  “Yes, right away!” Rupert cried as he fumbled for a key. “Warren, see to their bags!”

  As Warren rushed to assist, he noticed the family was rather large; in addition to the father there were a scowling mother holding twin babies, two older girls, and a chubby boy about Warren’s age. The entire group was dressed in similar fashion, sporting pantaloon-like shorts and pith helmets, all except the infants.

  “O-ho! A wild beast!” the boy exclaimed upon seeing Warren. “May I hunt it, Father?”

  “As you wish,” the man said.

  The boy unholstered a toy rifle, aimed it at Warren, and pulled the trigger. It made a soft pop! and a tiny cork pelted Warren in the chest.

  “Ow!” Warren cried. “That hurt!”

  “I’ve wounded it, Father! May I hunt it again?”

  A RUDE FAMILY

  “As you wish,” the father said again with a sigh.

  The family’s luggage smelled like moldy leather and elephant dung. The bags felt like lead, full of clanking pots and pans, and Warren struggled to carry everything up the stairs. No one offered to help. And even worse, the boy kept firing at Warren until they arrived at their room. Bidding the family farewell, Warren hurried downstairs.

  As the hotel’s only bellhop, Warren spent the rest of the afternoon helping people check into their rooms. Most of the guests were unbearably rude, and each one demanded that he help them in their quest.

  Next in line was a wealthy jeweler, his hands adorned with sparkly rings; he flashed a phony smile and waved a banknote under Warren’s nose. “Don’t bother showing me to my room,” he said. “Simply direct me to the All-Seeing Eye. I hear it is the most beautiful jewel in the world, and I simply must have it for my collection!”

  A WEALTHY JEWELER

  Next came a humpbacked white-haired woman who smelled like roses. She told Warren the All-Seeing Eye was an enchanted crystal ball that could see far into the future; all she wanted was to steal a quick glance. When Warren explained he was unable to grant her request, her rosy-cheeked smile turned into a scowl. Wagging a bony finger, she screeched: “A curse
upon you!” Warren half expected lightning bolts to spring from her old wrinkled hands. [Thankfully none did.]

  The woman was followed by a husband- and-wife team of circus acrobats dressed in matching silver bodysuits. They believed the All-Seeing Eye was a pair of spectacles that would forever improve their vision. When Warren refused to help with their search, they hung him by his suspenders from the lobby chandelier. He spent the next twenty minutes dangling midair and trying to break free.

  BUSINESS IS BOOMING

  To a barbarian draped in musty furs, the All-Seeing Eye was an enchanted rock that could crush his enemies. When Warren repeated (for the hundredth time) that he didn’t know where to find it, the man let out a mighty battle cry, picked Warren up, and threw him out the window. Fortunately, the lobby was on the ground floor. Warren landed in a cluster of bushes, shaken but unharmed.

  Under normal circumstances, Warren would be the first to say that impolite guests were better than no guests at all. But the mania about the All-Seeing Eye made him nervous. Beating Annaconda and her sisters to the treasure would be challenging enough; now dozens of fortune seekers were joining the race. Guests streamed in from all parts of the globe. Some were poor and desperate, others were wealthy and leisured, regarding the search for the Eye as some sort of sport. There were hunters and explorers, performers and artists, conmen and scholars and commoners and aristocrats. All of them had a different idea about the All-Seeing Eye.

  Halfway through the afternoon, Annaconda pushed into the lobby, studying the crowd with horrified curiosity. Rupert interpreted her gaping expression as a joyful sort of shock. “Isn’t it wonderful, my love?” he shouted, giving her a jolly wave from across the room. “Business is booming! I’ll shower you with all the gifts your beauty deserves!”

  Annaconda smiled thinly before shooting Warren a withering look, as if the bedlam were all his fault. She stormed out without saying a word. Even Petula–who earlier seemed so desperate for something to do–had grown weary of the commotion and drifted off in search of quieter diversions.

  Warren worked nonstop, carrying luggage and admitting guests to their rooms. By sunset Rupert was passed out at his desk, too exhausted even to drag himself over to the red velvet couch. Warren dreamed of crawling into his much-needed bed, but before he could retire to the attic, the lobby’s double doors creaked open and one last guest stepped inside. The man was short and thickset, with a wiry black beard, a patch over one eye, and a wooden peg leg. His pants were tattered at the hems but he wore a military-style coat, the woolen fabric studded with smart-looking buttons. “Arrrgh,” he said in greeting. “Sorry I be late! I couldn’t decide where to dock me ship.”

  THE CAPTAIN

  Warren stood gaping. It was his first look at a real honest-to-goodness pirate!

  “Welcome,” Warren said, finding his voice. “You’re in luck–we still have a couple rooms left.” He scurried forward to help the pirate with his luggage, which consisted of a heavy wooden trunk latched with a padlock. Warren tugged at the handle but the trunk weighed too much; its bottom scraped loudly across the lobby floor. Despite all the ruckus, Rupert continued sleeping soundly, a testament to his exhaustion or his laziness, or possibly both.

  “Yar, has anyone found this All-Seeing Aye?” asked the pirate.

  “I believe it’s the All-Seeing Eye,” Warren corrected. “Spelled with an ‘e.’ ”

  “That’s what I said!”

  Warren lifted the trunk onto his back, preparing to carry it up several flights of stairs. “No one’s found it yet,” he explained. “No one can even agree about what it is.”

  “I’ve no confusion on that point!” the pirate exclaimed. “Everyone knows it be a magical compass. The aye will guide you through any fog, lead you out of the belly of any sea serpent, and direct you to the greatest fortunes.”

  “That’s as good a guess as any,” Warren said. He then introduced himself and offered to show the pirate to his room.

  “Pleased to meet ye, Warren–

  The name caught Warren by surprise. Rather than grayish and whitish, the captain’s beard was a deep dark black. The pirate noticed his confusion and grinned. “I know what ye be thinking,” he whispered conspiratorially. “Truth be, I dye me beard to appear young and hale!”

  “It looks good,” Warren said.

  They headed upstairs, with Warren pausing on the landing between the fifth and sixth floors to catch his breath.

  “Here, lad, let me take over,” said the captain, reaching for his trunk. “I know it be heavy.”

  “No, sir!” Warren said. “It’s my job. I can do it.”

  “Arrr, I like a lad who’s not afraid of hard work! Ye would make a good first mate on me ship!”

  Warren’s eyes bulged. “Really? Do you think so?”

  “I know so!” the captain exclaimed. “I’ve been doing this profession all me life. I know potential when I sees it.”

  Warren allowed himself to daydream for just a moment. How much fun would it be to travel the world on a pirate ship! Imagine the adventures: discovering hidden islands, dancing jigs, blasting cannons at sea monsters. It all sounded so exotic and exciting.

  “Is it fun being a pirate?” Warren asked.

  “A pirate?” The captain looked befuddled and scratched his beard. “Can’t say I know! I’ve never met one!”

  “But … then what … ”

  The captain let out a hearty laugh that reverberated through the halls. A guest in Room 514 opened the door and hissed, “Shhhhh!”

  “You think I be a pirate?” he said. “Lad, I hope ye never have to cross paths with a real one! Pirates be fearsome souls! They ride the seas hunting for treasure with their wild eyes, unruly beards, and missing limbs. They be truly a force to be reckoned with!”

  Warren thought this description fit Captain Grayishwhitishbeard, but he kept this thought to himself.

  “No lad, I be no pirate. I be an importer exporter!” He paused and again scratched his beard. “Well, more importer than exporter. Mostly importer.”

  Soon they reached the captain’s room on the seventh floor, and Warren was stunned when the man reached into his coat pocket and handed him a gold doubloon! Warren hadn’t received a tip in years. He closed his fingers over the coin, squeezing to make sure it was real.

  “Thank you!” Warren said.

  “No, thank ye, lad,” the captain said with a grin. “There’s more where that came from if ye’d like to join me crew.”

  Warren realized the man was offering him a job. Leaving the hotel behind seemed unimaginable but …

  … to be an importer exporter! To live a life of adventure like Jacques Rustyboots! To see the world and meet new people and get away from Aunt Annaconda! Warren knew chances like that don’t come along every day.

  “I’ll think about it,” he said at last.

  And that night Warren placed the doubloon under his pillow and sank into a deep restful sleep, his dreams filled with high adventure on the rolling seas.

  * * *

  he next morning Annaconda chose to take breakfast in her room. The idea of dining amongst a hotel full of guests seemed most unpleasant. Isosceles and Scalene sat beside her, gobbling eggs benedict and golden hash browns, which Warren had sent up via the dumbwaiter upon learning of the arrangement.

  “This is all your fault!” Annaconda snapped at her sisters. “If you hadn’t opened your big mouths we wouldn’t be in this predicament!”

  “Sister, you need to stay calm,” Scalene said. “Think of it this way: the more people are looking for the Eye, the more quickly it will be found.”

  “And then we’ll just take it from them!” Isosceles added with a cackle. “Easy-peasy!”

  In the corner of the room, the air began to shimmer like an oasis in the desert. Suddenly a black portal materialized and a figure dressed in a black robe stepped through. The girl bowed reverently.

  “Ah, my apprentice!” Annaconda said. “You’re just in time for t
oday’s lesson.”

  “You have an apprentice?” Scalene asked, clearly jealous.

  “Your apprentice can draw portals?” Isosceles said, even more jealous.

  * * *

  SNALP RETSINIS

  * * *

  “My young apprentice puts the two of you to shame!” Annaconda turned her attention to the girl. “Have you charmed my nephew yet?”

  “I introduced myself yesterday,” the black-clad girl replied. “We spent the afternoon helping guests check in. I must confess, Your Darkness, I think the boy is telling the truth. He doesn’t know where the journal is. Someone must have stolen it from him.”

  “But who?” Annaconda said. “Who else would be wandering the hedge maze in the middle of the night?”

  “I am trying to find out, Your Darkness.”

  Scalene studied the apprentice with envy. “Oh, how I miss having magic. Can you cast any spells besides portals?”

  “A few,” the apprentice replied cryptically.

  “Never mind other spells!” Annaconda railed, turning back to the girl. “I want you to spend the day with my nephew. Keep close to him. And when he finds the journal, bring it to me immediately!”

  “I am your humble servant,” the apprentice said, bowing in retreat.

  arren had never experienced such a busy breakfast. With so many guests ordering so much food, Chef Bunion moved in a blur, cracking eggs, flipping pancakes, buttering toast, and pressing grapefruits. Warren was equally busy. He scurried from table to table with stacks of trays, passing out fluffy omelets and mounds of bacon and fresh-squeezed juice. Fights broke out in the dining hall as guests scrambled for the choicest cuts of ham. Bowls were dropped, glasses were shattered, coffee was spilled. A plate flew like a discus across the room, passing within an inch of Warren’s head. This was nothing like the elegant and civilized breakfasts that Warren remembered from childhood. This was pandemonium!