Suddenly Mrs. Darcy

by Jenetta James

  “But the Woodhams had only been married for two weeks when we met them at Standenton Park! I can hardly credit you did not tell me this, sir.” I was astonished that he had kept the burden of this to himself and that he would arrange this secret world in solitude.

  “Yes. But I am torn between helping them and protecting Georgiana and you, Elizabeth. I cannot regret having kept this from you, and I cannot see that any respectable gentleman would have done anything else. Alice accosted me at Standenton Park because she wanted an introduction to you, and she knew that, in order to get one, she would have to make it impossible for me to refuse. It was very sly of her, and she knew I was not happy. She is the most assertive of my Lovelace sisters. Sophia and Frances are much more compliant characters.”

  “I imagine they suit you well, Mr Darcy.”

  “Yes, they do suit me. I do have affection for them, and I try very hard to help them, but my primary responsibility must be to you and Georgiana. There has been a disagreement recently because Alice—it is always Alice who upsets matters—wants to be introduced to Georgiana as her sister. She wants me to tell Georgiana about them. Sophia, my middle Woodham sister, is very musical, and Alice, having got wind of Georgiana’s musical interest, has been using this as an argument in her favour. Even Fitzwilliam agrees and thinks Georgiana could cope with the knowledge of her sisters. But I will not have it. My father kept Esther and the girls separate from his legitimate family, and I shall as well. I have not told you this before in order to protect you, and I do not apologise.”

  “But I am not your daughter, Fitzwilliam, and I am not an infant sister. I am your wife, and I do not wish to be in ignorance. Why on earth did you not share this with me?”

  “Why?” He stared at me, astounded. “Because you are a gently born young woman of not one and twenty, Elizabeth! By God, I am astonished that you even know of such things.” He began to storm around the room, his revelations apparently having angered rather than calmed him. “But maybe I should not be surprised. Maybe this sort of thing passes for polite conversation at Longbourn. Maybe young girls in your parents’ care are brought up to know every mean crevice of the world. Well, it is not true in my house, Elizabeth, and if I protected you as I would have a daughter of mine protected rather than as your own father may have protected you, then I make no apology!”

  Unbidden, tears streamed from my eyes, burning a passage down my flaming cheeks. “No doubt it suits you, sir, to blame my parents for this situation when it is entirely the making of your family. But you are quite wrong. It was, after all, your father who was the author of this ‘arrangement.’ And as for how I came to believe it, well, it was your aunt—whom you are unwilling to speak against even when she criticises everything about me—who told me quite unmistakably that you kept a mistress and that everybody knew. She even said it in front of Anne.”

  He looked completely stunned, as though the room before him had been removed and he was left in an empty hollow.

  “And that is not all she said. She told me, sir, that you were engaged to Anne when you married me, that you were not even free to take me as your wife, and that you begged her to forgive you for having betrayed her daughter!” He opened his mouth, but no words came out. I had said so much already that I knew I could not keep silent now. “But it is my family who are contemptible, is it not, Mr Darcy? It is my family who are so low that I must be denied their company and be shamed and embarrassed at every turn. It is my poor sister who must suffer for your arrogance!”

  He seemed to recover himself slightly at this and looked at me sternly. “Elizabeth, what are you talking about now? I have not the pleasure of understanding you?”

  “I speak of your part in Mr Bingley’s removing from Netherfield!” I watched as comprehension flickered across his face and waited for him to speak. His silence simply raised my ire further. ”You have left me in no doubt, sir, of my inferiority to you, of your attitude to my family and home, and of the degradation in which marriage to me has involved you! You think nothing of the fact that I was forced to marry you with such speed and in such a clandestine way!”

  “Forced?” He spoke the word quietly but deliberately, staring straight ahead.

  “Yes, ‘forced.’ For I was offered no choice. You made it plain that you were embarrassed by your connection to me in every way. You spent no time with my family, not even my father. None of your family except Colonel Fitzwilliam attended our wedding, not even Georgiana. Your sister, I was told, was too gently born even to meet with my sisters. You kept them away out of shame, and you did not care that I knew your feelings. You did not care for my wishes when you kept me from my sister’s wedding because you are ashamed to be connected to her. You escort me to my uncle’s home, and you do not even do him the courtesy of meeting him!”

  “Elizabeth, please stop.”

  “No, I will not stop. I have been a good wife to you. I have been the best wife I can be in such circumstances. I have been a kind sister to Georgiana, and I have played hostess to your friends and family. I have visited your tenants and tried to help them when they were in need. When you have kept me away from my family, whom I love, I have not complained of the heartache you caused me. I have welcomed you in my bed night after night. And for all this, you have rewarded me with hardness and deception. I have lived for months knowing that you actually encouraged Mr Bingley out of Hertfordshire and away from my poor sister…and…it is too much for me, and I find I have quite lost my composure.”

  “I can see that, Elizabeth.”

  “How could you make so light of it? Why did you remove your friends from my family? And why did you lie to me? You know my sister has a tender regard for Mr Bingley.”

  “I do not know that, Elizabeth. I observed your sister in Hertfordshire, and although she received his attentions with serenity, I could detect no symptoms of peculiar regard. Her heart looked to me to be not so easily won. The fact that your mother would wish her in love is quite another matter!”

  “That is not fair, sir! Mama has nothing to do with Jane and Mr Bingley. The attachment between them is natural. It is not contrived by Mama as ours is!”

  “Is that really what you think?” He looked at me—really looked at me as he often did when we were in bed together.

  “You give me no reason, sir, to think otherwise. For why else would you be so protective of your friend? You try to prevent his being trapped as you were, but you are unjust, for Jane has done no ill, and she really cares for Mr Bingley. You may have ruined her happiness forever, but you think nothing of it. And as for the relations between you and me, well, I can hardly claim to know your heart. You have never spoken one word of love to me.”

  My eyes stung, and my limbs shook with the weight of what I had said. All the pain and anguish of the last months was spewed upon the floor around me, and I felt trapped. I felt sick to my stomach and dizzy. I knew I had to remove myself from his presence, so I picked up my skirts and ran—ran down the narrow corridor and across the hall, past the gallery, and down the swooping staircase. The gritty light of the London day shone in from the street, and tears blinded my eyes. My heart pounded, and heat rose in every part of me. It happened in a moment: in their haste, my soft slippered feet did not meet the stair, and my shaky hand did not reach the rail, and after a second of crashing confusion and shuddering pain, everything was black.

  Chapter Fourteen

  A great pain overtook me entirely; it thundered to my fingertips. My eyes were blind, my ears were deaf, and there was nothing in me but a mighty, shattering agony. Sometimes, I knew there were hands and voices, but they signified nothing. My body moved of its own volition. I seemed to stare down a vortex, and the pain in me was so great that I had no words and no will of my own. After the pain, there came colour, and my vision was filled with reds, purples, and blues. The light came at me in an angry manner, and my head could not bear its feroci
ty, terrifying my senses.

  I knew of some things, although not many. I knew of strange hands bending my knees and separating my legs while Hannah whispered I know not what in my ear. I knew of my poor, unwilling body being laid out flat then raised to sit and rolled to the side—and of the endless, sour, stinging vomit. I knew of being hot like a furnace and chilled like a winter dawn. Strange smells passed around my person. I knew of cloths being laid upon my head and along my body and of hands holding mine.

  When I opened my eyes, I saw Jane and thought that I was dreaming. She wore her familiar, old, blue muslin, and her flaxen head was bent over a bowl of water. I did not know the bed or the room I was in, but so great was my contentment at her nearness that I simply shut my eyes. At that moment, the door opened, and another person moved about the room.

  “Has there been any change, Miss Bennet?”

  “I’m afraid not, Mr Darcy, but her temperature is good. She has made some moaning sounds, and she gripped my hand. I am sure it is just a matter of time.”

  “Thank you,” he said quietly. “I hope so.” I felt him take my hand and kiss it. “You should rest now, Miss Bennet. You have been up all night, and I would not be able to face your parents if you took ill as well.”

  “I will rest now that you are here, Mr Darcy, but I am not in such great need. Georgiana sat with Lizzy while I slept for a few hours just after supper, and as you know, you kept the vigil for the whole of the previous two nights as well as during the days.”

  “Yes, but that was before the fever broke, and so I could not possibly have left her. Those were wretched nights for all of us. No, you have certainly not had enough rest, and you should have some while it offers. If I need help, I have Hannah. And Georgiana. And Miss Lucas is downstairs. Please, go and rest awhile.”

  “If you put it like that, sir, then I shall.” She bent over me and kissed my cheek. She said, “I will be back later, Lizzy,” and my senses were full of her soft, rosewater scent. Her feet padded across the carpet, the door clicked, and she was gone. I felt the balance of the mattress change slightly as he leaned on it, still holding my hand, and I could bear to be kept from him no longer. I opened my eyes.

  “Elizabeth! Oh, God, Elizabeth!” His handsome face was suffused with a smile. He went to embrace me and then stopped. “I’m sorry; I do not want to hurt you. You must stay still and not exert yourself. I should tell the doctor you are awake, but I do not wish to leave you. Are you in pain?”

  I was in pain, but it was not the same as before. When I spoke, each word was a breathy effort. “I feel so tired…I…Where am I?”

  “You are in the Rose room in our house in London. It was easier than taking you to your bedchamber, so you have been here. You have been unwell, Elizabeth. You took a fall, and you…you have had a fever. You have been in bed for five days.”

  I felt a sinking darkness inside and knew there was no life within my body but mine. “I…Am I…Have I?” He seemed to know my meaning and hushed me with his finger against my lips.

  “The child was lost, Elizabeth. I am sorry. It was very painful for you, I believe. It was painful for me to watch you, but the doctor says that you have sustained no lasting harm.” He spoke what I already knew, and yet it hurt me.

  “We have many matters to speak of, Elizabeth, but I am afraid of fatiguing you. Jane is here. Shall I fetch her? She will want to know that you are awake.”

  I nodded my assent, and he rang the bell. I could not but close my eyes as the door creaked open, for I was once again very weary. Before long, my bedside had further visitors: Jane and a Dr Tranter, who appeared to have been attending me in my woe. After some little discussions with them, I felt unaccountably tired and closed my eyes against the hubbub of their presence. Thus, the time passed in a muddle of people at my bedside and in low conversation in the hall. The sun blazed through the windows then darkness fell. I tasted hot broth and felt arms about me.

  When I awoke again, I could not say how many days had passed. I was alone with Jane, and this time, I did not fancy her an apparition.

  “Jane?”

  “Lizzy!” She rushed to the seat at my bedside and took my hands in hers. “Do not try to get up. I shall fetch you some tea. Now that you are opening your eyes at such short intervals, I assume you are quite well and may start up your old habits.”

  I smiled, for I could manage nothing more, but inside, I wanted to laugh a loud, throaty laugh and kiss her face. She plumped up my pillows and helped me to sit slightly before presenting me with tea and brushing my hair back from my face.

  “How long have I been here?”

  “You have been abed for three weeks, Lizzy, but you have only really been conscious for the last two. Even then, it fatigued you so to speak with us that we have not pressed you. You have suffered a severe fever. You took a fall on the stairs, and you were brought here…You…Oh, Lizzy. Do you understand what has happened? Mr Darcy said you did.”

  “Yes, I knew before he said it. I knew before I knew anything else that my child was dead. How has Mr Darcy been? I feel so wretched, Jane. I had not told him.”

  She stroked my head and looked me steadily in the eye. “He has said nothing of that, Lizzy. I believe he has simply been worried for you. He has sat up with you most nights.”

  “How long have you been here?”

  “Mr Darcy sent his carriage to Longbourn when you were first taken ill; he asked that I come and bring anyone else I thought might assist your comfort, Lizzy. He wrote that I should choose and that my judgement would be the right judgement. He said all of our family could come or just me—whatever I thought best. As it is, Lydia is away to Brighton, and Mama has been poorly herself, so she keeps Kitty busy at home. I asked Charlotte Lucas to accompany me, so she is here as well. We have cared for you separately and together, and sometimes Miss Darcy has sat with you. She has been here for about a week. She has a sweet disposition, but I do not believe she is one for the sick room, Lizzy.”

  I smiled at this description of Georgiana. “No, indeed. I hope that she has not been too worried.”

  “If I am any judge, I think she has been quite sleepless with anxiety. But she is happy now that you have awakened, and Dr Tranter has said you will improve each day.”

  “I do not quite feel myself. I feel very weak indeed.”

  “That is to be expected, Lizzy. You have had a very bad fever. But each day you will get better than the last, and you will feel yourself again; I know you will.”

  The door crept open as if pushed by a kitten, and Hannah appeared. “Miss Bennet, Mr Darcy thought you may wish to know that Mr Bingley and his sister are arrived. They are taking tea in the drawing room if you wish to join them. I can take over here, miss.”

  “Thank you, Hannah.” Jane did not look at all surprised by this intelligence. “I shall come down directly. Lizzy, I shall leave you for half an hour. Do you mind?”

  “Of course not. It will be just what you need to see Mr Bingley again.”

  “It will, well…it has been. This is not the first time he has called. He has called twice already during the time I have been here caring for you although this is the first time Caroline has joined him. I do not know she is just what I need, but I shall keep an open mind.” She smiled lightly, and a person who did not know her, might miss her joke.

  “Go. Enjoy your tea and your Mr Bingley.”

  I realised upon listening to Hannah that I had been hearing her voice almost constantly; I suspected she had barely left my bedside during my illness. Now that I was awake and we were alone, she was calm and unassuming, busying herself with folding linens and changing water.

  “If you are not too tired, madam, I think we ought to change your nightgown.”

  I said I was feeling quite alert, and so she assisted me to the side of the bed, and there I sat, feeling the cool air on my
skin. She gently removed my old gown, which, although I was no longer feverish, was damp from the heat of my body. Hannah was unaffected by my nakedness, but I was shocked and mortified to see I was thinner under my clothes, that my hipbones protruded slightly, and that my bosom was shrunken.

  “Oh, Hannah, I do not look well. I can see my bones!”

  “Well, you have been ill for three weeks, madam, and could only eat a very little. We will fatten you back up I am sure with Cook’s good offerings.”

  “But my bosom! None of my dresses will fit, and what will Mr Darcy say? In fact—” An awful thought occurred to me. “Has Mr Darcy already seen these changes?”

  “The master has been in almost constant attendance on you. He has sat with you for almost all of the time you have been in this bed, but I do not believe he has seen you unclothed. No. I have changed your gowns, sometimes with assistance from Miss Bennet, but nobody else has seen you thus. In any case, Mr Darcy has been very anxious for you, madam. If I may be so bold, I believe he would not care about your reduced bosom.”

  “Oh, Hannah, he might.” I struggled with myself for a moment, wondering how much to tell her. “Just before I fell ill, well, I quarrelled with Mr Darcy. I fear he may not be able to forgive me. And in addition to that, I had not even told him I was with child. I dread to think what opinion he must have of that! And if I am less comely as well as having committed these offences…well, it may be that he does care. Oh Hannah, what am I to do?”

  “I think that you must not concern yourself with these worries, madam. I thought that you must have quarrelled because of the way he dismissed me from your chamber when you arrived home that awful day. Then I heard you cry out and ran to the stairs, and I noticed your face was much stained with tears, so I thought you must have been crying before you fell. So yes, I had suspected you had had some sort of disagreement with the master, but whatever it was about, madam, he could not have attended you more constantly, and so I feel sure that it is forgotten.”