Never Let Go

by C. M. Stunich

  “Lisebeth,” I say, spitting the girl's name from my throat like acid. This was the first time in two years that he'd actually paraded a girl around in front of me. I suspected at times that there were others, but this was the first I'd ever actually seen. He just shrugs and sniffles, switching his bag from one hand to the other. It's already getting dark out, dropping sheets of rain on the cabin and the porch roof that hangs over our heads. I guess that means he's staying here tonight, doesn't it?

  “She was just a prop, something to make you jealous.” I keep staring at him. At least he looks chagrined about it. There's that small miracle. “I didn't sleep with her,” he adds, which I'm sure is a lie. Whatever. I don't have the energy for this right now. I feel numb. Maybe that's why I've been with Tobias for so long? It's easier to just go with it and not think about other things. I move back and reach for the door, wishing and hoping and praying that there was another way to do this. But what am I supposed to say? Thanks for calling in a favor from Daddy, I'll take it, now get the fuck out? Yeah, that'd go over well. And I really, really don't want to let my family down. I want to go to school and become a better person. I need to.

  The living room is alive and teeming with people – as usual – but Noah Scott is nowhere to be seen. Never gives me a look as I walk in the room with Tobias by my side, but at least she doesn't call me out in front of everyone.

  I reach back and grab Tobias' hand, dragging him into the kitchen to find Beth. She's at the stove, wearing Noah's apron, and humming a Christmas carol under her breath. India's sitting at the kitchen island with Darla, coloring a picture of a Christmas tree that looks suspiciously like the one in the living room. I clear my throat and all three sets of eyes turn to me.

  “Beth, this is Tobias Underwood.” I don't add the title of boyfriend in there. Hopefully Beth remembers his name and will make the connection herself. I don't have the heart to say it aloud. A quick glance over at India tells me she's none too happy about what she sees. Jesus. Is everyone in this house conspiring to get Noah to hook up with me? Well, everyone but me, of course. I seem to be my own biggest opponent. “Tobias, this is my oldest sister, Beth.” I watch as they shake hands, cordial, smiling, but nothing like the connection Noah has with my family. “And those are my younger sisters, India and Darla.” India makes Darla wave, but then they go right back to coloring that picture.

  “I saw him come in earlier,” Beth says, tucking a stray strand of copper hair behind her ear. She's peeling potatoes with a knife, dropping them into a pot of boiling water one by one. “What brings you all the way out to the sticks, Mr. Underwood?” Crap. I purse my lips. Beth already has what I like to call her 'mommy voice' on, the one that says she's unhappy about a certain situation but hasn't yet decided how to deal with it.

  “Tobias came here to see me,” I state firmly, keeping my gaze off India and on Beth. “And he'll be staying in my room.”

  “Oh ho, no he will not.” Beth puts her knife down on the counter and turns to face us, drying her hands off on the apron. She looks at Tobias for a long while, and then switches her gaze back to me. Her reaction is based completely in the realm of I'm a mom and a strict one at that and not on Tobias' and my special relationship qualities. Beth doesn't know anything about that. I don't want her to know any of my dirty secrets.

  “Beth, I'm twenty years old.”

  “And dependent on me to supplement your school money.” She raises one brow, and I feel the color draining from my face again. Tobias shifts nervously beside me, but at least has the good grace not to say a word. “Trust me on this. I'm sure you two have spent your fair share of time together,” she emphasizes the word in a way that makes me want to pull my hair out, “but not under my roof.”

  “It's Noah's roof,” I retort, unsure as to why I'm even fighting for this in the first place. I should say yes ma'm and dump Tobias in a guest room while I figure this shit out inside my own head. Noah, where the hell are you?

  “Well,” Beth says with a sigh. “I say no sleeping in the same room unless you're married. Trust me, I can vouch to the consequences of that.”

  Ty happens to move into the room in that exact moment, snatching a slice of chopped apple from the cutting board and popping it into his mouth. He's got baby Noah clutched in his arms and lifts the kid as if he's confirmation of my sister's statement.

  “Can happen when you're married, too, believe it or not.” Ty winks at us and bounces the baby up and down for a moment before adjusting his arms and holding out his ringed fingers for Tobias to shake. “Ty Monroe McCabe, Never's husband and baby daddy. Sorry she punched you earlier, but she's … ” He trails off, and I realize that not everyone knows about the pregnancy yet. “She's a little cranky. New mom and all.” Ty shakes Tobias' hand and then steps back, surveying the football player with a critical eye.

  “It's fine,” Tobias says, trying to be nice, trying to be polite but not fitting in at all here. When you date a Regali, you date her family. Ty's been absorbed into the fold almost as perfectly as Noah. My throat goes dry. “I'm not pressing charges or anything.” I cringe and Ty raises his pierced eyebrow before turning and giving Beth a kiss on the cheek.

  “Smells great, Mother Dearest,” he says, bouncing the baby and watching the water in the pot boil. Beth points her finger at me and then goes back to cooking, dragging Ty into a conversation about work that I'd rather not sit around and listen to.

  “Let's go.”

  I pull Tobias back into the living room, past Never's gaze, and up the stairs. Jade, Lettie, and Lorri are all embroiled in a co-op video game on the massive TV screen and I'm just hazarding a guess here that Never's not interested in talking to Tobias again. I pretend like I can't feel her gaze burrowing into the back of my neck.

  “It's cool that I finally get to meet your family,” Tobias says, making me feel even worse about this whole situation. I wish he'd take a swing at me and make this all a lot easier. I guess I wish for that a lot, don't I? I want other people to make my world better, but do nothing to fix it myself. Maybe this is all a life lesson sent down to me from the heavens? If so, I am getting my ass schooled.

  “They're an … interesting bunch, huh?” I open a few doors until I find one that looks empty, stepping aside and waiting for Tobias to file in behind me. He tosses his bag down on the bed and takes a look around the room, pretending to be interested in the décor.

  “So your sister's serious about the whole not sleeping together thing?” he asks, coming up to me and wrapping his arms around my waist. I let him pull our bodies together, brush his lips across my collarbone and let my eyes flutter closed for just a moment. It feels good to have him hold me like this, but not as good as when Noah does it. Having encounters with the two men so close together really emphasizes what I already know.

  “As a heart attack,” I say, putting my hands on his chest and leaning back. His left eye still looks like it's nearly swollen shut, but the swelling's gone down a little at least. “So don't go thinking you can sneak into my room.” Tobias tries to smile at me, but I can tell something's on his mind. That's fine with me, because there are a whole lot of other things on mine.

  “Who was that guy, Noah?” There's jealousy laced throughout Tobias' words, and I can feel his hands tightening possessively on my hips. “Is something going on with him?”

  “I've been back one night, Tobias.” I pull away from his grip and move to the window, opening it to let some fresh, wet air into the room. An icy breeze pulls at my hair and beckons me outside. I'm inclined to take it up on its offer.

  “Are you happy, Zella?” he asks me as I turn around and put my hands on the windowsill. I look into his brown eyes and think really, really hard about that. The truth is, the answer is I don't know. I don't know what makes me happy anymore.

  “No,” I tell him honestly and watch as surprise registers on his face. “No, but don't worry. Once I get a few things sorted in my head, I will be.”

  Tobias takes this as a good
thing and smiles, coming over to kiss me on the lips hard and furious before grabbing his duffel and disappearing into the bathroom. As soon as the door closes behind him, I tiptoe to the bedroom door and let myself out.

  15

  It's pitch black outside by the time I grab a pair of towels and sneak down the stairs, slipping into the game room and heading out the sliding glass doors. It's completely dark in this part of the house; the laughter and the screaming and the arguing is all going down in the kitchen and living room area. At least for now. As always, the family will migrate and soon, it'll be like the Regali gene pool has infected the entire cabin. Right now though, I need some peace and quiet, some time to think and where better to get it than out in the middle of the storm itself?

  I tie up my hair and strip down to my birthday suit on the porch, leaving one towel in the dry area under the eaves, and wrapping the other around my naked body. The pond behind the cabin is deep enough for a comfortable swim and completely self-contained, avoiding the icy runoff from the mountains. It's not exactly warm, but a quick dip isn't doing me any harm. At this point in my day, I'm craving that icy shock of the water, savoring the droplets of rain that hit my face and run down my back.

  If Beth knew I was out here, she'd kill me. Even though the pond's not five feet deep at its most dangerous, it's dark and cold and the bottom is made up of slippery mud and God only knows what else. But I don't care, not right now. I just want to feel the water wrapping around me, taking me in its icy arms and kissing my lips with frost.

  I let out a small scream as I drop my towel at the edge of the bank and splash into the water, diving forward and letting my body zoom through the shock of the cold. And believe me, it is cold. I come up for air with a gasp, shivering, my entire body tingling with the sudden change in temperature.

  “Holy crap, holy crap, holy crap,” I murmur, hoping my little shout of triumph doesn't bring the entire house running to investigate. Stranger things have happened.

  I toss my head back, letting my wet hair trail down my back and closing my eyes against the torrential downfall that clatters against the glassy surface of the lake like a symphony. I open my mouth and collect droplets of rain, tasting the freshness of the air on the back of my tongue as I spin in a slow circle, the water lapping at my breasts and teasing my nipples. They're so hard right now they hurt.

  I drop my chin back down and gaze around the quiet emptiness all around me, at the clusters of reeds that break up the surface of the pond, the forest just beyond the flat perfection that makes up the lawn, the cabin with its glowing windows. In there somewhere, Noah Scott is sitting and probably wondering what the fuck I'm doing with Tobias when I could be with him. It seems so cut and dry, but it's not. Nothing in this life ever is. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

  My heart tells me that I should kick Tobias out – despite his current streak of generosity – and admit to my family what happened, deal with the consequences of that as they come. My brain tells me to accept Tobias' offer, at least until I'm enrolled back in school, and dump him later. We're not good for each other, he and I. He deserves something better. I can't make my brain admit that I do, too. Deep down, I'm actually not sure if I believe that or not.

  I sigh and drop down, sweeping my arms and legs out to propel my body through the frigid waters. Already I'm violently shivering, my teeth chattering, my fingers going numb. As peaceful and relaxing as this is, I don't think I'll be able to stay out here as long as I'd like. And if I'm honest with myself, that's probably a good thing. Sitting out here in the dark like this isn't any better than hiding.

  I swim towards a cluster of reeds, circling it just for the sake of having a path to follow out here in the darkness. God knows it's the only clear path I have right now, so I might as well take it. I kick my legs out and make contact with something … warm.

  A scream tears from my throat as I thrash backwards, splashing around like an idiot and wrapping one arm around my breasts, the other over the triangle of hair between my legs. The last thing I need right now is some … something or other biting me in the snatch. I stumble through the mud and nearly trip backwards when a blonde head emerges from the water and a pair of blue eyes blinks at me in shocked surprise.

  “N-Noah?” I ask as he thrusts his arm out and grabs me around the wrist, keeping me from tumbling back and slipping under the water. I'm so stunned at seeing him out here that I forget for a moment that I'm buck naked. “What are you doing out here?” I ask as I study the fall of wet blonde hair hanging around his face, his full lips pale with the cold. The water's just barely up to my breasts at this point, giving me a full and complete view of Noah's naked chest. His nipples are rock solid, his pecs twice as hard. The muscles stand out in stark relief, highlighted by rivulets of water and shadows cast by the faint blush of moonlight that manages to peek out from between the clouds.

  “I … ” He trails off, gaze stuck on my face. His beautiful blue eyes are cast in shadow, giving him a slightly less boyish look. Hell, without his shirt on, hair dark from the water, face limned with shadows, he definitely looks like a man. I swallow hard, feeling every bare inch of skin on my body tingle with excitement. The Noah Scott I grew up with, he's not gone but right now he's not quite here either. I clench my thighs together and try to find my voice. “I needed some air,” he says, his voice clear and strong, even with the sound of the rain falling all around us. I watch hungrily as he licks some droplets of water from his lower lip.

  “Sorry, I kicked you,” I blurt, somewhat relieved that the warm body I made contact with wasn't an animal. Noah Scott takes a step forward and my entire body lights up like I've been electrified. Or was it. “I needed some air, too.” He nods, pausing a few inches from me, eyes taking in my bare shoulders and the hand I have wrapped across my breasts. It's so dark out here, and the water's so murky, that neither of us can see anything below the surface. I wonder if he's naked, too? The thought sends a thrill from my head down to my toes.

  “Zella,” he says as I try to keep my gaze off of his chest and on his face. I think for a moment that he's going to bring up our conversation from earlier, ask me what happened with Tobias, but he doesn't. Noah steps forward and brushes his thumb along my lower lip, trailing his fingers back along my jaw. I groan as he cups my chin in his hand and leans forward. My pulse is thrumming and my entire body feels warm, like the temperature of the water is inconsequential. I don't need heat or light or clothes or food or water. All I need is Noah. Too bad my mind's not this clear when I'm not standing naked in the middle of a pond.

  Noah presses his lips to mine and I groan, letting it all go, holding nothing back. Nobody can see or hear us out here, and the setting is different, almost like a fairytale. What happens in the pond, stays in the pond. I let him take control, pushing his tongue into my mouth, tasting me along with the rain and the night that settles down around us like a guard, protecting us from the rest of the world and the bullshit that comes with it.

  I try to step forward, but Noah reaches out and places a splayed hand on my chest, right in the center of my collarbone. Each one of his fingertips feels like it's burning its way inside my body, cutting right through the flesh and bone and going straight for my heart. I whimper and drop my hand from my breast, reaching out to him, touching the hard line of his bicep. The normal Zella reaction would be to over think this, ruin the moment, but Noah doesn't give me a chance, sliding his hand down my chest, over my side, digging his fingers into my hip. He pulls me to him, sliding my suddenly heated body through the cold water and pressing it up tight to his chest. Okay, question answered, he is definitely naked. I can feel Noah's erection straining against my stomach, and I have to suck in a gasping breath just to get air into my lungs. I feel like I'm drowning – but in a good way.

  “Tell me this is a dream,” I whisper because it feels strange and surreal and perfectly imperfect. There's mud between my toes, a piece of some underwater flora wrapped around my thigh, and drops of icy rain pelting
my face. I'm not sure I've ever felt as alive as I do in that moment.

  Noah deepens our kiss, stretching it out to the point that it's like torture, like he couldn't possibly push his tongue any deeper or move his mouth any slower. I find myself wrapping my arms around his neck and letting his fingers trail down over my ass. He squeezes the flesh tight, letting it bulge between his fingers as he picks me up and my legs go around his waist.

  Noah's cock slides into me, almost like we're moving in slow motion, our movements hampered by the water, and the awkward position, but it doesn't matter. As soon as I feel his warmth thrusting inside of me, I melt. I become a part of that lake, like my body is liquid, and my bones have melted, joining the rush of blood that powers my heart in a frantic, fluttering beat.

  I lock my thighs around his waist, and let him move me in the water, filling my body up and then letting it go. The cool hands of the lake wrap around us, emphasize the lack of his warmth when he pulls out, highlights it when he thrusts in. My moans melt into the sound of the falling rain and the lapping of water around our chests as Noah fucks me so slow it makes me crazy. My brain reels frantically at my decision, trying to remind me of things best left forgotten, but I don't care. It doesn't matter. Nothing else matters right now.

  “I can't take it,” I whisper in his ear. This pace is killing me. After being separated from him for a whole year, I can't do this. “Take me onshore and fuck me.” I blush at the sound of my own voice, strained and rough around the edges, like I'm not just Zella but Zel-la, the version that Noah sees. He pulls out of me again, making me grit my teeth and fight against the urge to scream. I relax my thighs and let him swing my legs up, so that I'm sitting in his arms. “Now let's see if you can hold me up like this without the help of the water.”

  “I guarantee it,” he whispers back, voice still kind and gentle, even though his arms are squeezing me tight, almost too tight. “Haven't you noticed? I spent the last year working my sexual frustration out in the gym.”