With Courage With Fear
Page 24
The door to room 237 is ajar when she arrives. She is about to enter when she hears Alicia’s voice. She must have forgotten to close it.
So Katie listens.
It’s rude, she knows that. But she’s curious at what Alicia might have to say to a man like her comatose dad. She’s a cop. He’s a killer she crossed paths with on an investigation. For the first time, now Katie is outside the fog of grief and anger, it strikes her as odd.
So she listens more closely.
* * *
“Her name is Stacey,” Alicia tells Richard Hague. “I named her after one of your victims. My friend, Alfie, it was his wife. I told him. He cried, the big sissy.”
She is nervous coming here, unloading all this upon him. But like her previous visits, it seems like the right thing to do.
“I’m walking normally again now. Sure, I read the literature and watched the videos, but the scale of damage to my vagina was really quite impressive. They had to cut me during the birth, and so that needed stitches. I stayed four days in hospital, then several days of semi-regular paracetamol at home. I had to accept help from my mum, though, my dad and brothers too, to an extent. Robbie did actually move out for a week, but she’s back in place now. Enjoying her duties as Stacey’s favourite aunt.
“Stacey wasn’t as premature as Paulson worried, of course, since I lied to HR about the due date. Actually, she was only four or five days out, which is the same as nothing at all.”
At the time of conception, there were already rumours of Alicia flirting with Katie Hague’s dad, so the last thing she needed was people adding the dates up correctly. As far as HR was concerned, and her boss, Stacey was conceived via a one night stand on New Year’s Eve to an Aussie spunk who gave a fake name and claimed he was heading home the following week. “Well, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day,” she added cheekily when asked. “He was extremely impressive.”
In years past people might have called her a slut or a slag, and some probably still did, but things are better than they used to be.
Now, she cradles the little girl in a way that feels as natural as breathing. It is like her very shape is designed for this, for holding a sleeping infant. After getting the hang of breastfeeding, even that feels normal, and mixing up formula for those nights where she has little left to give is the oddity. At times, she gazes down at Stacey, as she suckles or sleeps, screams or simply gazes around, and she is filled with questions of what her life would have been like had she not given in to her parents’ admonishments and portents of doom.
She says, “Would my life really have been ruined? Would I have been one of those young mums who can’t let go of the life they want—the parties, the guys, the booze—to the detriment of her child? Would I have become a police officer?
“I don’t think my life would have been ruined by having that baby, but I am certain I would not be here now. With Stacey. I wouldn’t have joined the police, wouldn’t have become the woman I am today. Never would have met you. Wouldn’t have snuck out of an active investigation to take you to a hotel and hump your brains out. Three times.”
She feels embarrassed at the memory of that night, but more-so of the stirring down below. To counter that, she gazes at Stacey’s little chest rising and falling, and even though she knows those lungs will soon be keeping her awake when she should be sleeping, she doesn’t care one bit.
“I honestly wish I could have mopped things up after the school incident resolved. I mean, I heard about Holly’s parents admitting her to an institute in America rather than standing trial. A victim of brainwashing, apparently.
“Kuno was cleared of any direct involvement, but she’s still suspended from practicing law until a full review concludes. In a way I hope she didn’t know anything, but I know that will hurt her in a whole different way—betrayal, failure, the feeling of stupidity of not seeing what should have been clear.”
She swallows back a bitter taste.
“The guys who took part in the raid, influenced by Faulkner, lied to, some might call it brainwashed … they’re not heading to America. They’re back in jail on terrorism charges. The institute shut down completely, so those who were out on licence and absconded, they’re back inside too.
“But Murphy got the DCI job full time, so that’s something.”
Stacey murmurs and makes a grating noise that Alicia is positive means she’s choking to death on something, but the feeling lasts all of half a second before the baby settles back down and smacks her lips. She’ll need feeding soon.
“Richard … I’m not sure why I’m here. Honestly, I know it’s pointless. But I think before now I didn’t want to be a single mum. Even though you’re, y’know, crazy. I said I was confident, even told myself I was. But it wasn’t until I came in here tonight that I knew for sure. This is the last time I’ll visit you. The last time I will ever lay eyes on you. And it’s the closest you’re ever going to get to your daughter.”
* * *
And there it is. The words are out there. Can’t be taken back. It isn’t like there were no suspicions, but it seemed so stupid, so far-out, that Katie never really gave it credence. Wrote it off as another chink in her failing sanity.
At learning of her sister, though, Katie is happy. She’s gearing herself up to burst in and thank Alicia so much. Thank her for repairing her, for supporting her, for giving her a sibling to love and cherish and—
A voice inside Katie says, No.
Alicia betrayed you.
Lied to you.
Katie backs away from the door, biting her bottom lip to keep from shouting.
She gave you hope.
But she does not deserve your friendship.
The voice sounds so much like her dad, she has to shut herself in the single unisex toilet cubicle. She locks the door.
“Go away,” she says quietly.
I’ll always be with you.
“No. The pills, the gym, Dr. Rasmus. They helped you stay away.”
Temporary measures, Katie.
Look.
Watch.
Even though she knows it isn’t really her dad, understands it is herself talking, a coping mechanism, Katie cracks open the bathroom door and waits. Waits in silence, until Alicia emerges, pushing a Mamas and Papas buggy with the baby clipped into a car seat.
She hasn’t just excluded Richard from the baby’s life; she has concealed the existence of your baby sister.
“I have a family after all,” Katie said. “And Alicia Friend is keeping her from me.”
She has to pay for that.
“Yes,” Katie says, knowing now that she cannot pull the plug on her father. “That bitch will pay.”
Alicia Friend will return, although I think you’ll agree she’s earned something of a break for now. She plans to return to duty in 2017.
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His
First His Second
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