Revved: A Driven World Novel (The Driven World)

by A. M. Mahler

  Now I knew where Maggie got her brilliance from. Another time, when I was thinking straight and not consumed by guilt and life-changing events, I would figure out what she was talking about. With three more mouths to unexpectedly feed now, that meal prepping thing sounded like a life saver.

  “That’s a great idea.”

  I stepped forward and pressed a kiss to her lips. She tasted of coffee and comfort—a safe harbor in the hurricane that had just become my life. When she pulled away, she nodded her head over to the table where Marcus was sitting, hands wrapped around a mug, which I assumed had hot chocolate in it. Gavin and Travis were still upstairs sleeping in my bed. My mother had gone over to Devon’s house this morning with Evelyn to pack up as much as they could for the boys and bring it back here—at least for the rest of this week. Then we would figure out if I would just move into my brother’s house with them or not.

  I really didn’t want to do that, but if that was where the boys felt most comfortable, that’s what I’d do for them. It had occurred to me that it might be for the best if I looked for our own house to share rather than be surrounded by painful memories, but I wasn’t close to deciding that yet. I figured that could be a decision the boys and I made together.

  I walked over to the table, sipping my magic elixir, and ruffled Marcus’s hair before sitting down next to him. He kept his eyes trained on his mug.

  “You’re up early, bud. I thought you were still sleeping in grandma’s room.”

  Marcus shook his little head in response and didn’t say anything in return. It was extremely unlike Marcus not to talk to anyone. Travis was generally the quiet one, and even he was speaking. I hadn’t heard Marcus say anything since I arrived.

  “Are you hungry?” I tried again, and he shook his head. Maggie slid a plate of buttered toast on the table near Marcus’ mug. Marcus eyed it for a minute. I thought he was going to push it away, but instead he picked up a piece and took a bite. Good call on Maggie’s end there.

  I was out of my element. Uncle Simon would have blown off Marcus not wanting to eat breakfast and just tried to get some fruit or a bigger lunch in him later. But Uncle Simon wasn’t who I was anymore. Now, I was in charge of getting these boys to adulthood—with a lot of help from their grandparents. I didn’t have the instincts of a parent. I had the good time ideas of an uncle. I had to feed them, clothe them, get them to school, the doctor’s, be their moral compass.

  I ran a hand down my face. I know no one is really ready for parenthood, but at least when you plan to have a kid you spend some time getting prepared.

  These weren’t random kids though. They were my nephews. I already had a hand in raising them, but I wasn’t the end all be all decision maker.

  I laid my hands flat on the table and leaned my head down so I could be on his level.

  “Listen, buddy,” I said. “There’s nothing about this that doesn’t suck monkey butt. I know you’re sad, and scared, and maybe a little mad, too. I’m right there with you. You and your brothers, all of us, are going to be okay someday. Your grandparents and I are going to make sure you have everything you need. You’re still going to go on trips with Grandma and Grandpa Charlie, and Grandma Chris is still going to order all of us around. You can keep your dog, and your bedroom, if you want, anything you’re worried about is going to be okay. Anything you need, or you want to talk about, I’m here for you.”

  Marcus looked up at me with a quivering lip, but he held the tears back. Still silent, he threw his arms out to me and climbed into my lap. Maggie appeared and moved his plate and mug within easy reach. He grabbed his piece of toast and laid his head on my chest, intermittently taking bites. I would be full of crumbs, but I didn’t care. All that mattered now was this little boy in my arms and his two brothers still passed out upstairs in my bed with their dog.

  Maggie took the seat Marcus vacated and faced us. She crossed her legs and propped her beautiful face in one hand, holding her mug in the other.

  “You know what would be good for breakfast?” she asked, as if she wanted our opinion on the matter and she hadn’t already made what smelled like an amazing feast. “Chicken nuggets. Do you want some, Marcus?”

  The hell?

  Wide-eyed, Marcus sat up and stared at her like she was crazy. I was certain I mirrored his expression.

  “Grandma won’t like it,” Marcus whispered, but he sounded like he could be on board.

  Maggie leaned in and set her face inches from him and whispered back conspiratorially, “Grandma’s not here.”

  Marcus looked up at me.

  “I got nothing.” He looked at Maggie and nodded his head.

  She stood up, looked down at me and lifted her shoulder once. “Protein is protein. These are extenuating circumstances.” Then she walked away, and I heard her rummaging in the freezer.

  How did she know this stuff?

  When my mother walked in half an hour later, she took one look at Marcus shoving his fourth nugget into his mouth and waived her hand. “At least it’s protein.”

  Protein. Right. A magic word I needed to remember when I was in charge of feeding these boys all their meals. I already felt like I was drowning.

  MAGGIE SOMEHOW CONVINCED Travis and Gavin to go to the store with her. Evelyn volunteered to go with them, embracing Maggie’s meal prep mission. Marcus stayed back, aimlessly staring at a movie in the living room with Grandpa Charlie while my mother and I commandeered the kitchen table. The funeral arrangements were made. The police department was a big help. As was a tradition with them, they requested a funeral procession walk through town, but my mother immediately nixed that idea. She didn’t want the boys to be put on display. The family would be riding in cars, and the graveside service would be family and work colleagues only.

  Condolences were beginning to pour in. Cape Brandon was a small town, and Devon and I grew up here. Devon went into public service. He and his boys were well-liked in town, especially by the single women. The phone rang off the hook. I finally shut off the ringer and let the answering machine take care of messages. I cringed thinking about when the doorbell would start. We also shut the notifications off on our cell phones as they were also blowing up. We only took calls from close family and friends. We would thank everybody for their thoughts and prayers, but neither my mother nor I had it in us at this moment.

  “I think you should take the boys back to New Hampshire with you,” my mom said as she refilled our coffee mugs yet again. Stunned I looked back up at her. She couldn’t be serious.

  “Take them away from their home? Don’t you think they need the familiar right now?”

  She shook her head. “There’s nothing but bad memories here for them now. Everywhere they go will remind them of their father. People will be looking at them with pity. When school starts up, they’ll be the boys with no parents. They need a place to heal.”

  “What about you? They need you too,” I argued. For fuck’s sake, I didn’t even have furniture yet.

  “I’ll come too for a while,” she said. “I can work from there. Then we can figure out a more permanent situation. We need to sell their house, Simon. They need money—college funds, braces. Growing boys are expensive.”

  “Devon had life insurance.”

  “Yes, he did, but we also have to pay off debt with it. He had a car loan, credit cards. Plus, there is still a small balance to Lindsey’s medical bills. All that doesn’t go away.”

  Blowing out a breath, I dropped my head into my hands, and ran my fingers roughly through my hair. This all got more and more overwhelming. Every decision was monumental. How could I know that any decision I made was the right one? What if I did more damage than good? Jesus, I was clueless in this.

  “Okay,” I said sitting up on the hard-wooden kitchen chair. The table was pushed into a nook in the kitchen. I always wondered why my parents didn’t want it near a window. The table was ancient. My parents never replaced it. So many discussions, announcements, lectures, homework, laug
hs took place at this very table. “Let’s start with the rest of the summer. Then we’ll see how the boys feel about staying there.” That, at least, bought me two more months with Maggie. “If they like it there, we can enroll them in school. Their friends are here.”

  My mother raised an eyebrow.

  “They’re kids, Simon. They’ll make friends anywhere they go. Also, they’ll be closer to Charlie and Evelyn. That means more help.”

  “What about you?” I countered. “You’re part of their daily life. They depend on you, too.”

  She paused, looking down at her coffee. She looked almost lost, and that was something I could not handle from her. I needed her to guide me. She was my mother, and I never needed her more in my life than I did right now. I needed her strength, and what I saw now was vulnerability. Even when my father died, she was strong for us.

  “I lost my husband and son here,” she said softly. When she looked up, her eyes were glistening with tears, and if they fell, I would lose it. “This house holds so many beautiful memories, but it has bad ones, too. Staying here alone, I’ll be living with ghosts and empty memories.”

  I furrowed my brow. “You want to sell this house, too?” I couldn’t comprehend all the changes that were being made. I couldn’t keep up. My childhood home? I looked around the kitchen with its light oak cabinets, recessed lighting, and terracotta tiled floor. The refrigerator that once held Devon’s and my reports cards and artwork, now held the boys’. The door jamb leading into the living room marked mine and Devon’s height over the years and now the boys were measured there. This was where I felt closest to my father and brother. This was always supposed to be here. It’s where I was going to come to recharge my soul when I missed my family too much.

  Then again, if my family was in New Hampshire that made going “home” moot.

  “I don’t know,” she said. “I’m not ready to make that kind of decision. But I know that I need to heal too. I’ll come with you for the summer, and then we’ll decide.”

  I had a new house. I hadn’t even spent one night in it yet. It was empty and waiting for everything. Maybe we could all heal there together, but I honestly did not know that we would get over this. The other half of me was gone from the world. Devon was so much more to me than just a brother. And the boys lost their father. The person who had always been there for them, nursed them, protected them. I mean, I had done those things, too, but it wasn’t nearly the same.

  I realized I was angry for them. They deserved what their father and I had growing up—a loving home with two parents to guide them, shelter them, and let them fly. They got screwed.

  “The house is small,” I explained. “The boys would have to sleep in the living room on pull outs. There’s an extra bedroom for you. If we make it permanent, we either have to find something bigger or buy it and add on. The furniture is supposed to be there at the end of the week.”

  Maggie, Evelyn, and the twins entered the kitchen then with bags. They all looked satisfied with their days’ hauls as they all heaved their plastic sacks onto the counter.

  “All decisions to be made later,” my mother said quietly. “For now, after the funeral, we’ll go to New Hampshire.” She turned to the others and plastered the world’s fakest smile on her face. Hopefully, the twins wouldn’t notice the difference. “So, my hunters and gatherers, how did you do?”

  “We got enough for dinners for the rest of the week,” Evelyn said, helping Maggie unload the food and placing it on the counter. “This girl here really knows her way around a crock pot.”

  “AND we got ice cream,” Gavin said. “And cookies and cereal and—” Maggie covered his mouth with her hand.

  “We were going to just put that stuff away and hope Grandma didn’t notice all the sugar we got, remember?” Maggie looked at the boys with the universal shut up glare. Travis giggled. My heart warmed at the way the twins were getting along with Maggie. They were warming up to her, and it seemed like they looked at her as someone they could conspire with. It was a good thing because that used to be me, and I had a feeling my connection with them was going to change. It would do them good to have an ally they thought they could break the rules with.

  At least while I had Maggie.

  I didn’t have three kids when we started this relationship. Visits like this were one thing. Suddenly playing house with your new boyfriend was too much to ask of someone.

  I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I would have to cross that bridge when I came to it. Baby steps.

  Maggie

  O

  nce everyone had lunch and settled into their various places around the house, I perched myself outside on the driveway. I found a comfortable chair out back on the patio and dragged it around. I really wanted to spend some time back there staring at the ocean, but right now, I had assigned myself to casserole-acceptance duty. Shortly after I returned from the store, the food began showing up. I bought all that food to prep meals for a week, but all that I could freeze. Neighbors and friends started dropping all sorts of things off. Maybe it wouldn’t be in the first wave of feeding the family, but it would still help when the town stopped sending food.

  People were disappointed when I would not let them in the house but seemed to understand the family’s need to grieve in private. I took down names, phone numbers, and addresses, along with the dish they dropped off, so Christine could write thank you notes later. My need to protect this family, especially the boys, was new to me. These boys were so sweet, so innocent, and so destroyed. I absolutely refused to put them on display just so some busy body could go about town and talk about how distraught they were.

  Death did weird things to people. They wanted to be in the know, show people that they were close and trusted by the families of the dead—somehow turning other people’s pain into something about them. These kinds of people were everywhere, and they would not get any satisfaction here.

  My quest wasn’t entirely selfless though. I was a stranger to this family. I also wanted them to be able to grieve in private. I helped, but from a distance. Going to the supermarket, taking care of the cooking, running interference outside. I was aiming for helpful, but not intrusive—at least, I hoped that was how I was coming across. Christine, Charlie, Evelyn, they were all so nice and welcoming. Evelyn was especially helpful. She had been through this before with Lindsey. She knew what the Webbers were experiencing and how it felt to lose a child. And it was obvious how much she had loved Devon. That was nice, as in-laws didn’t always get along. But she seemed to know when Christine needed a break—even if Christine didn’t know it. She took the boys outside for fresh air and walks along the water. She told me about stairs that went from the yard, all the way down the rocks to the sand. I intended to explore myself later with Simon.

  I picked up my phone and pulled up Ryan’s number, swiping my finger over the green button. Pressing the phone to my ear, I waited for the connection to go through. My boss answered on the third ring.

  “Hey.” He sounded out of breath. “What’s going on? How’s Simon?”

  “Hanging in there,” I said. “Bad time?”

  “Not really,” he panted. “Just finished up a run with my brothers.”

  “I need a favor,” I said.

  “Shoot.”

  “Simon is having furniture delivered to the house on Friday, but that’s the day of the wake. Can you meet the delivery guys and let them in? Or maybe give a key to Jesse and he can go over and do it? They can just put things in the rooms in a way that makes sense. We’ll figure it out when we get back. I don’t want him to have to reschedule the delivery.”

  “Absolutely,” he said. His breathing began to slow. “How long are you going to be there?”

  “I’m not sure,” I answered honestly. “I’d like to stay with him for the duration, if possible. I don’t have a car here. But if you need me back sooner, I can figure out how to do that.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Ryan said. “Take the time you
need. Just let me know when you’ll both be coming back.” He paused, and I knew what was coming. “I didn’t realize there was anything serious going on between you two.”

  I cringed. Maybe I should have given him some kind of heads up, but everything happened so fast. “Is that a problem?”

  “Not unless you can’t be adults,” Ryan said. “If it turns to shit, I don’t want any tension and hostility in the office. I know I pushed you on the work-life balance, but I wasn’t expecting an office romance to come about.”

  “You practically set us up!”

  “No. I had you take him to lunch and show him the town,” Ryan replied. “That’s basic new employee onboarding.”

  “Ryan, you just said this wasn’t going to be a problem.” I sighed. “I’m crazy about Simon. I’ve worked for you for six years. Have you ever heard me mention dating a guy before?”

  “No,” he confessed. “But that’s not something a person usually shares with their boss anyway. Listen, as long as you’re happy, I’m happy for you. Simon’s a good guy, and he’s awesome at his job. But you are my biggest asset. You don’t think I know about the job offers you get? People have offered me a nice chunk of change in restitution if I would let you go. I want to keep you happy.”

  Speechless, I sat there for a moment—the only sounds around me were the songs of birds and distant crashing of waves. People wanted to pay Ryan for me? I didn’t know if I was flattered to be in such high demand or insulted that people thought I was for sale or could be traded like an athlete.

  “Look,” Ryan said. “I’m cool with you and Simon. Take what time he needs. No one is rushing you back. You haven’t taken a vacation in ... well, fuck, have you ever taken a vacation in the last six years?”

  I chuckled. “Just some long weekends to go see my parents.” Wow. Though I laughed, it was suddenly without mirth. Six years and I only took long weekends? What the hell had my life become?