Revved: A Driven World Novel (The Driven World)

by A. M. Mahler

  I had shut my phone off in the morning. I couldn’t take the constant notifications from social media, texts, and emails. Even after I shut off the sound and vibration, every time I picked the phone up, the numbers on the screen were higher. Eventually, I would have to deal with them, but that day was not today. Not the day I buried my brother. When everything was put away and the last guest was ushered out, I began the tired trek up the stairs.

  Tomorrow, Maggie and I were headed back to New Hampshire. My mom, Charlie, and Evelyn would stay with the boys until the end of the week when my mom drove them up. I had a few days to get the house in order. After that, I would have to start working again. My mother would go see the lawyer during this time to have the guardianship and trust papers drawn up, and the boys would officially be mine.

  I wanted kids, but this was not how I wanted to get them.

  But the boys needed me, and I needed them. We would be fine ... eventually.

  When I entered my bedroom, I saw the closet door was open and the light was on. I was pretty good about not using any more energy than I needed. My carbon footprint was small. So, I was surprised that I left it on. Then I remembered Maggie had come up to get changed and escape, so maybe she left it on. But when I approached the closet, I saw Maggie’s bare legs stretched out on the floor. I had a moment of absolute fear that something had happened to her, but when I stepped farther in, I saw that she was sitting on the floor with the boys curled in around her. Their tear-stained faces looked up at me.

  “Marcus didn’t want to be by the people, so we stayed with him,” Gavin said. I suspected none of them wanted to be by the people, but I couldn’t blame them in the slightest.

  I eased down on to the floor with them and pulled Travis onto my lap.

  “It’s okay,” I said. “It wasn’t very fun down there, and you don’t owe anyone anything. I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to talk to you. Maggie and I are going to New Hampshire tomorrow to set up the house. You boys will come with Grandma at the end of the week.”

  Travis’ bottom lip trembled. “Can’t we go with you tomorrow?”

  I hugged him to my chest. “I’ll get it done faster if you stay here with Grandma. She needs you guys this week. Before you know it, you’ll be on your way up, and we’ll all spend the rest of the summer there.”

  “Only the summer?” Travis asked. “Maggie said they had a school.”

  They didn’t want to be here with bad memories. Who could blame them? I didn’t want to be here either. But I wasn’t about to make the decision to uproot them permanently so soon.

  “We’ll start with the summer and see how it goes, okay? You have friends here.” I reminded them.

  “But not Daddy,” Gavin said. And that was a direct hit on my heart. Still, I would make the decision with my brain and not my emotions. Either way, my mother was right. We would need to sell Devon’s house, which meant all that needed to be packed up and moved. That was something else I couldn’t possibly deal with. Since Evelyn and Charlie were the trustees and in charge of the money, I would leave the liquidating of assets to them. I literally had my hands full here.

  “Let’s brush your teeth and get you boys to bed,” I said, easing back up with Travis. I set him on his feet and Gavin followed him to the bathroom. When I reached for Marcus, he cuddled down farther into Maggie’s arms. She was still in her dress, so she must have found them in here when she came up hours ago. How was I ever going to the thank her for being here for me and the boys like this? For being there for my mother and Lindsey’s parents. For being amazing and a fucking incredible human being.

  Maggie sat up a little more, groaning a bit at being in one position for too long. “Come on, Marcus,” she said. “Let’s get ready for bed.” As she stood, he tossed his arms around her neck. He was getting his needs across through gestures or the twins speaking for him. As far as I knew, he hadn’t said anything except for those few words in the kitchen a few days ago. I figured it was normal, but I was no expert. During this week, I would do some research on grief in children and see what came up. I knew the boys would need time, and I was prepared for that, but surely, Marcus should be speaking, right?

  I helped Maggie stand with the dead weight wrapped around her body. Was it ridiculous that I was jealous of a five-year-old? I wanted to be wrapped around her body. I needed to be. When was it my turn to get her all to myself for more than an hour?

  I led the way into the boys’ room where my mother was helping Gavin and Travis get changed and leading them back into the bathroom to brush their teeth. Marcus went through the motions like a robot. When he was changed, he raised his arms to be picked up again. I was just about to lean down to hoist him up when my mother came back into the room.

  “Marcus, you have two legs. You will use them,” she said firmly. Marcus shook his head, not meeting anyone’s eyes. “No one will be carrying you anymore. I know everything hurts, baby. No one knows that more than me. But we all need to stick together now. That means no free transport and sleeping in our own beds.”

  I didn’t think that edict would survive the night, but I fully supported the effort.

  “Your daddy wouldn’t want this,” she continued, and poor Marcus flinched at the mention of his father. “He’d want us to be strong like him. No matter how hard it is, we’re going to do that for him.” She met my eyes and cocked her head toward the bathroom. When she turned on her heel and left the room, Maggie and I followed her past the twins brushing their teeth and into my bedroom.

  “Mom, maybe it’s too soon. He’s only five,” I said. I know I was desperate for my time with Maggie, but they were my boys. My first loyalty had to be to them.

  “Listen, I want to grab them up and love them, too. Seeing Marcus like this breaks my heart,” she said. “But they need to get into a routine. There is time for the grief and sleeping in beds that aren’t their own, but we have to be strong now. It’s hard, I know. But it has to be done, Simon.”

  I remembered then that she had experience in kids losing their father. Devon and I were older than the boys when our father died, but we were no less distraught. Mom had held us together. Who took care of her then? Did anyone?

  Reaching out, I wrapped my mother in my arms.

  “I love you, Mom,” I said.

  She hugged me tight—tighter than I ever remembered her holding me before. We were it. We were what was left of our nuclear family. I would not miss any opportunities to tell her that I loved her and appreciated her.

  She pulled back, cupping my face with tears in her eyes.

  “I love you, too, baby. And we’re going to get through this together.” She pressed a kiss to my lips then turned and left the room. Fled was more like it. I heard her door shut softly and suspected she wanted the boys to sleep in their beds tonight so she could have a good cry herself. She buried her son. Parents weren’t supposed to outlive their children.

  Walking back into the boys’ room, I saw Gavin and Travis sharing a bed. I let it slide. Marcus was nowhere to be found. With a heavy sigh, I resigned myself to a thorough search of the house. I got as far as Devon’s room when I found him curled up in the big bed with Margo. He had his eyes closed, and I didn’t know if he was really asleep or not, but if he wanted to sleep in there, that was fine with me.

  I walked downstairs, turning the lights off as I went. Going into the kitchen, I set the house alarm by the back door. We hardly ever used it because there was often a cop staying here. I didn’t expect trouble, but I also wasn’t sure if any of the boys would try to go outside. Evelyn and Charlie had gone home. At least we’d know if any of the kids tried to leave the house. I knew my house in New Hampshire had an alarm system already installed, and I made a mental note to call the company and have it activated.

  The moonlight shined through the living room windows, and I stopped walking, turning slowly to really look at the room. Images from my mind were projected before me like a movie. Devon and I growing up, my family sitting in here watch
ing movies, or suffering through that time Devon decided to learn the guitar. Devon in a graduation cap and gown, me in cap and gown, Devon on his wedding day, a pregnant Lindsey during one of her baby showers, Devon horsing around with the boys on the floor. My whole life played out before me. The thought of my mother selling my home—my life—shattered my heart. I clutched my chest from the pain I felt. And how much longer did I have with Mom? How much longer until I was completely alone? The only one left.

  I couldn’t watch anymore. Heart-heavy, I made my way back upstairs. Maggie was already changed and in bed. I stripped off my clothes and tumbled into my pajamas. I had visions of spending the night buried inside her. She opened her arms as I crawled into bed and rested my cheek on her chest. She wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair. It was everything I needed and yet not enough.

  Maggie

  T

  he boys did not make parting easy. Hell, they were even clinging to me at one point. Simon and I arrived back in Grayson Falls in the late afternoon. The ride up was spent in silence, though this time, Simon drove. We were both emotionally spent. No doubt Simon was lost in thoughts of how he was going to move forward with three boys to take care of now, and me ... I was just empty. I was way out of my comfort zone in Maine, interacting with strangers, becoming an immediate member of a tight family. My energy was drained. I felt like I could sleep for a week straight.

  We pulled into the driveway of Simon’s little house. Flat front yard, lightly landscaped. So many possibilities. My car was right where I left it. It looked like the delivery truck had plenty of room to get around me. Or I hoped it did, as I had my keys with me in Maine. But really, it didn’t matter anyway. I was scattered and focusing on weird things.

  When we got out of the Jeep, I unlocked my car and walked over to it with my bags.

  “You’re not coming in?” The panic in Simon’s voice was evident. When I looked at his face, he looked scared at the thought of me leaving. He wasn’t ready to be alone yet, but I was so tired. God, I was such a hateful person for needing to escape. To escape him. Even for a little bit. But I just wanted to sleep.

  “I will come in,” I said, and his shoulders dropped, visibly relaxing. “For a little while.” Eyes widening, muscles stiffening, he looked wary again. “But I have to go to my place, Simon. I have mail there to deal with, bills to pay. Food that’s probably spoiled in my refrigerator, laundry to do.” And I needed to power down.

  He nodded. I watched as he pulled himself together and maybe even gave himself a pep talk. I don’t think he understood that I didn’t want to leave him at all, but I needed to. How do I even begin to explain that? The bottom just fell out of his world and the one person he was holding onto—me—was bailing on him.

  He ran a hand down his face and hoisted his bag over his shoulder before turning and walking to the house. With a heavy sigh, I dropped my bag in my car and followed him into the house, nearly crashing into him where he was stopped just over the threshold.

  “Wow,” he said. I peeked behind him.

  What was once an empty space was now a fully-furnished home. Not only had the furniture arrived, but everything had been put together and hooked up. A flat screen TV hung from the living room wall, and the furniture was arranged in a cozy way around the fireplace. We wandered from room to room. In the kitchen, we opened the cabinets and drawers to find them full of plates, bowls, silverware, pots, and pans. The bedroom furniture was also set up and bedding was even invitingly arranged.

  This had Jamie all over it. This is what she did. She took care of things.

  I was powerless to resist the call of such a welcoming bed. I toed out of my shoes, pulled back the sheets and comforter, and slid between them. Everything felt amazing as I sunk in and closed my eyes.

  “Okay then. I can get on board with that.” The bed shifted next to me as Simon joined me. He pulled me into his arms and sighed. I was asleep in seconds.

  I was a little disoriented about waking up in a strange place, but quickly remembered where I was. Darkness had come, and there was a soft glow in the room from a night light. When I checked my phone, I was stunned to see that I had been out for over four hours.

  I sat up with a large, unladylike yawn and stretched. My clothes were washed and folded on the bed. Simon must have gotten my bag from my car. I still had laundry at home to do at some point, but I felt so much better than I did when we got here. I felt refreshed and mostly recharged. Now, I was starving.

  After a quick pit stop in the beautifully staged bathroom, I found Simon in the living room unpacking books and arranging them on shelves. It was an open area. When you walked in the front door, it was to the living room space. Beyond that was another open space that looked like it was supposed to serve as a dining room area, but the kitchen had an eating area and counter that had plenty of space for a table that sat six people, so it looked like Simon had set this area up as something of an office. This was where the bookshelves were. Two small corner desks were also set up. I assumed one would be for his mother when she came. He looked up when the floor creaked under my foot.

  “Hey,” he said, smiling warmly. “Feeling better?”

  “I’m sorry I conked out like that.” I ran my hands through my hair and knelt down with him, pulling a book out of the box.

  “I’m not,” he said in his sexy, raspy voice. “I was wondering when you were going to drop.” I arched a brow at him, and he chuckled at my reaction. “You’re a private person, Maggie. You’re used to being alone, and you just spent almost a week with dozens of people you didn’t know. I know how it works.”

  I dipped my head. He knew me better than I thought he did. I shouldn’t be surprised. If he really was created for me, he would always know what I needed, whether or not he was adversely affected by it.

  “Did you get any sleep?” I asked.

  “About two hours.” He nodded. “I didn’t want to wake you up. I hope you don’t mind. I went out to the car and got your bag and washed our clothes. I needed something to do. I wasn’t expecting all this to be taken care of.” He waved his hand in a vague indication of the entire house.

  “Yeah, that was probably Jamie.” I said.

  “It was a lot work,” he said. “Seems like it’s a lot to take on for the new guy.”

  “That’s what she does,” I shrugged. Scratching his neck, Simon looked around him. I knew first hand now that he grew up with helpful people. It wasn’t like nobody had ever done anything nice for him, but he still seemed surprised by the lengths Jamie had gone. Really, Jamie liked to control things. Not in a bad or pushy way, but she liked to be in charge, and she needed things to keep her busy. She likely jumped at the chance to take this on.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked. “I can call for delivery.”

  “Starved,” I confessed.

  “Okay,” he said, pulling out his phone. “Over the Hop will deliver. So will pizza. I think the Chinese place is closed.”

  “Burgers,” I said. “Definitely red meat. And see if they’ll send out a growler.”

  I wandered around while Simon made the call. The living room furniture had pullouts. I took the cushions off the couch and pulled out the bed. It would fit the three boys. I noted that the chair and a half also pulled out. If one of the boys wanted to sleep on their own, they could. I folded the bed back up and made a note to bring back an extra set of sheets from my apartment. I wasn’t sure if Simon thought about it for this bed. It would also need some warm blankets and pillows. Maybe I could take care of that tomorrow while I was taking care of the other things in my life.

  I looked around the room and realized the boys were going to need some sort of dresser for their clothes. Now was not a time for them to feel like things were temporary. They needed to feel wanted and not like guests. That was how I felt every time we stayed at my grandmother’s house in racing’s off season. I had a designated space to sleep—my own room, in fact—but nothing there felt like mine. Sure, it was painted in th
e color I picked out and the bedding was also something I chose. But I was only there for two months out of the year. It just didn’t have the evidence of a girl growing up there—no trophies or posters, pictures of friends, hardly any books. The boys needed that. I needed to make sure they had that.

  I was not sure if Christine would think to bring their video game console, but I decided I could assign that to Jesse if need be. I saw board games and things at Christine’s house. Would she think to bring those? What about the Nerf guns Simon mentioned? I decided to wait until the boys arrived to see what Christine had and then order anything else off the internet. We may have been in a super rural part of the country, but FedEx and UPS still found us.

  And what was I doing anyway? It was not my responsibility to make sure the boys had everything they needed. I was neither their guardian nor even a relative. But I saw them grieve, and I held them in my arms. My heart went and got involved. I could not turn my back on them, but I also couldn’t overstep my place either.

  “Half an hour until it gets here,” Simon announced, tossing his phone on the end table next to the couch. He wrapped his arms around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder. He felt like home. I grew up in an RV that went all over the country. I went to college and lived in the dorms. I graduated and moved to New York City. Then I moved here. I didn’t have roots anywhere. I had a job here. My brother was here. But nowhere had ever felt like home until Simon came along. Could I do this? Could I take the chance at building a life with him and set down roots? I felt like I belonged in this house—with this family.

  “I don’t know if I’ve thanked you enough,” he said softly. “You’ve held me together. You protected my family. I don’t know how I would have gotten through this without you. I know it’s a burden so early in a relationship—”

  Turning in his arms, I rested my palms on his chest. “You are not a burden, Simon.” I said. “Things feel right with you. I know this was not how you saw things going. It wasn’t how I did either. But I care about you, and we can make this work. I just don’t know my boundaries.”