Klutzy Love

by Sharon Kleve

  I mimicked him and in a bored tone answered, “Sure.”

  Pete chuckled softly, “He’s boring. Let’s get out of here.”

  Samuel knocked back two more martinis without a word to me. He summoned the waiter again. “Please bring separate checks.”

  Oh, he told me. I was glad I hadn’t ordered the lobster. If Kitty or Brenda showed up I didn’t see them, because I was in and out in record time.

  “Come on Pete; let’s see if we can find a park to play in before my next date.”

  ***

  My next date didn’t have a picture on his profile, but I immediately recognized him. He sat a few tables away from my friends. Sneaky Bastard’s profile painted a picture of a strong, sexy guy. He was clean-shaven; not hairless. His short blond hair was dusted with grey. His blue eyes seemed to stare a hole through me as I walked to the table. “Pete, what do you think? Should I run for cover? His eyes felt like laser beams. My face is heating up.”

  “Are you getting any nipple reaction to him?”

  “No, nothing—just a hot face.”

  “You could be coming down with the flu, who knows? You keep forgetting to get me a snack—a breadstick is all I need.”

  “Okay, okay, there’s bread on the table. I’ll sneak a piece for you.”

  Sneaky Bastard smiled and said, “You must be Corny. You look better than your picture. Can I get you a drink?”

  “Yes, I’ll have a margarita.”

  “I’ve been told the food is extra spicy here. Are you up for trying something exceptionally hot?”

  That sounded like a sexual innuendo and I got another hot flash. “I love spicy food. You choose, I’m going to use the restroom.” To splash cold water on myself.

  As I walked away from our table, two men approached Sneaky Bastard and he didn’t look happy to see them. I turned around and he looked a little panicked too. That’s when I noticed the goon, Brenda’s boyfriend, and he motioned me to the restroom. I was familiar with head-nods from my girlfriends, but not from a guy. A quick glance to my friends got me a little worried. They had strange expressions on their faces— it freaked me out. I made sure I had my purse before I left the table.

  A door opened at the end of the hallway and the goon stood there. It was a storage closet and barely big enough for two people. He motioned for me to ‘shush’ with his finger to my lips. I hate the shush... it’s rude. I tried to protest, but John put his hand over my mouth to shut me up. After the door was all the way shut, he quickly let go of my mouth—smart move on his part.

  “Listen, it’s in your best interest to leave now and sever any contact you have with that guy. Will you do that?”

  “Hey, he’s the first date who isn’t weird. The first guy had a hairless fetish, the second date was a spy for Steve, and the third had a problem with my tardiness. What’s wrong with the Sneaky Bastard?”

  A large vein in John’s forehead pulsated—could that be a bad sign? “His name isn’t Sneaky Bastard. He’s bad news and you need to leave now.” John saw my stubborn look and quickly softened his face and added, “Please?” Like that would help. Then he compromised. “I’ll try to explain later.”

  John insisted I high-tail it out the kitchen’s back door. But before I could even make it to the kitchen, we both heard a loud pop, screams and a great deal of commotion. He ran like Steve Austin in ‘The Six Million Dollar Man’ back toward the dining room and I followed at a slower pace—more like ‘The Six Star Girl.’

  Thankfully, Brenda and Kitty had run as fast as their three-inch spike heels could take them toward us. John grabbed Brenda’s hand and I grabbed Kitty’s and we ran through the kitchen door and out into the back alley.

  “We thought we’d help you with Corny. We were almost to the bathroom when we heard screaming.”

  John calmed Brenda with a hug. “Everything is okay.”

  I was not calm. “Oh my God. What was that noise? Was that gunfire and did it have anything to do with my date?”

  John wasn’t even out of breath when he replied, “Gunfire, and yes, and most likely, yes.”

  “Is he dead? Please tell me he isn’t dead. He seemed like a nice guy.”

  “There’s a good chance he’s dead and he wasn’t a nice guy.”

  “Two men arrived at our table as I was heading to the restroom. Sneaky Bastard looked scared. Do you think those two guys kill him?”

  “Most likely they were involved. Luckily Brenda and Kitty had already headed to the restroom when he was shot.”

  “Do you think I should go back and pay the bill?”

  He shook his head. “That’s the least of your worries.”

  “Okay, I sure hope my last date is descent. I haven’t had a full meal yet.” I know I was in shock. That was the only logical reason why I finished my dating spree.

  With my luck, Michael Nate Parker would turn out to be a mass murderer. I arrived with five minutes to spare with John, Kitty, and Brenda close on my tail. They didn’t want to take any chances with my last date of the evening.

  I spotted a guy who looked pretty buff, definitely a steroid user, yet strangely on the feminine side. “Pete, what do you think about this guy?”

  “Wow, I’m speechless and ready for a nap. Wake me up if anything interesting happens.”

  I could see Michael watching me walk in from a table by the window. The Magnolia Village Pub didn’t take reservations, which meant he must’ve arrived especially early to get such a great table. He looked like a cross between Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator and a peacock. He held his beer in his right hand with his little pinky straight out. He wore a lavender-colored cashmere sweater and I could smell Shalimar perfume. Why would an obviously gay guy go on a date with me?

  He spoke with a lisp. “Hi there, I love your hair; it’s such a pretty shade of red. Do you mind if I ask if it’s natural or do you color it? I have a great job working as a bellman at the W Hotel. It’s a swanky downtown Seattle hotel and I get to do a lot of exciting things like open the front door for the guests, handle luggage, valet cars, call cabs, give directions, basic concierge service, and respond to all sorts of unique guest’s needs. It’s exclusive and the guests are very generous with their tips. My roommate Christopher and I have two cats, Gaylord, and Sergio, and a bulldog, Bruce. Our dream is to open a pet rescue farm one day. What do you do?”

  “I’m an Executive Assistant to an idiot.”

  Michael continued without a comment. “Christopher, my roommate, is in commercial construction, but he likes to drag race on the weekends. He wants to go pro, but he can’t get a sponsor.”

  “Michael, are you gay?” I’d been told that I could be brutally blunt on occasion. This was one of those times because Michael scooted close to me and started to blubber. When his emotions were finally under control, he scooted his chair back to his side of the table.

  “Christopher and I are in love, but he wants to bring a woman into our relationship. Since he couldn’t seem to get a date, he made me put my profile on the dating website. You’re pretty nice and cute, but I’m not interested in women—at all. How am I going to break the news to Christopher?”

  I shook my head and admitted, “I have no idea.”

  “I heard they have great desserts here. Do you want to share a piece of cake? I know it’ll make me feel better.”

  “Yes, let’s order the chocolate decadent cake and a slice of the frozen, chocolate-covered, cappuccino crunch cake. I would love a Pale Ale beer or two.”

  After I consumed way too much chocolate, I dug a couple twenties out of my purse and dropped them in his lap. Not on purpose of course. It was because I was clumsy from exhaustion.

  “It’s been fun and good luck with Christopher; I hope you guys work it out.” Then I excused myself and staggered over to my friends’ table
.

  “Could you guys drive me home, please? Feel free to shoot me if I ever decide to do something so stupid again. How could I have thought speed dating would work for me?”

  The goon drove and I leaned over the seat and asked him, “Why was the Sneaky Bastard killed?”

  “When I was an Army Ranger there were times we worked with non-military groups to accomplish our mission. On several occasions, I worked with a guy and he didn’t care who he worked for or what he was asked to do, as long as he got paid. Last I heard, nobody would hire him anymore because of his new sideline. Before you ask, I’m not repeating what that sideline is, but it might’ve caught up with him tonight.”

  “Let’s make a pact. Let’s never speak of this night again. It was way too weird.”

  “Okay,” Kitty agreed.

  “Absolutely. It was beyond weird,” Brenda said.

  The man of many words added, “You need to be more careful about who you date.” Twenty minutes later, Pete and I were safely tucked in bed, but I hadn’t made it to the bathroom to remove my makeup or brush my teeth. Yuck and worse, I slept in my clothes.

  CHAPTER FORTEEN

  You know how sometimes you’re woken up from a sound sleep and can’t figure out why? You lie real still, listen carefully, and then try to calm your heart rate. Well, that was what happened to me around 2:00 a.m. My apartment was on the second floor and I usually didn’t worry about burglars, but the noise seemed to come from the living room and it wasn’t Pete because he was curled up next to my head. A motivated criminal could’ve climbed up the terrace, but why? I wasn’t ultra-rich with Monet paintings on the walls—why steal from me? The fog started to clear from my head and panic set in. What to do... what to do? I didn’t have a stun gun. Maybe I could scare the burglar away with my stinky breath and pale face.

  My bedroom door was partially open. I didn’t hear any movement in the living room trying to take my only valuable possession—a Sony flat screen TV. But I could feel a presence. I needed to pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1, but I froze.

  My bedroom door was suddenly kicked open—too late for me to do anything. The funny thing was, the door hit the wall and swung back then hit one guy in the nose. A second guy walked in and shook his head at his friend. “You okay buddy?”

  Angrily the injured one replied, “No, let’s get this over with.”

  I recognized the two guys. I was in big trouble. Before I could scream, the second guy moved like lightning and punched me in the face. He pushed the barrel of his gun hard against the side of my head. “If you move bitch, I’ll do more than hit ya. Got it?”

  “Why are you doing this?” The side of my face felt on fire with pain. I’d been hit in the head twice in one month and it was too much. I lost it and started to sob uncontrollably. When I tasted blood in my mouth, I knew those guys weren’t your run of the mill burglars. The guy with a bloody nose put out his arm to hit me too. I tried to crawl away from him, but the guy holding the gun still had a hold of my hair.

  “You can have fun with her, after she gives us the boss’s computer disc.” I didn’t want anyone to have fun with me, without my consent. They grabbed my arms and quickly tied them behind my back. My hair was still wrapped in the guy’s hand. Where was going with me?

  “Where’s the computer disc? Your boyfriend didn’t have it on him; he must’ve given it to you. It wasn’t real smart to steal from the boss. You do that and you end up dead. Tell us where the disc is and we’ll let you go.”

  I pleaded, “I don’t have a boyfriend. He dumped me; you must have the wrong girl. If you leave now I won’t tell anyone you were here,” with a lot of desperation in my voice.

  “We saw you having dinner with Dave tonight and when you went to the bathroom, we asked him nicely to give it back. When he laughed, we shot him. He didn’t have the disc on him, so you must have it. He was supposed to sell it back to our boss later tonight.”

  It all became clear in a strange way; Sneaky Bastard was Dave. “How did you know where I live? Dave didn’t have my address. Besides, it was our first date and he never got close enough to give me anything. You have to believe me; he must’ve hidden it somewhere else.” Where was a cop when you needed one? My nose ran as I cried and the runny-goo was bloody. Yuk! I couldn’t wipe it off because I was tied up and that made me sob more.

  “After we clipped him, we followed you home. We saw you having desert with another guy. Not that we are judging you or anything.”

  “I was speed dating.” My explanation seemed to make both of them madder.

  “Look lady, give us the computer disc and we’ll leave you alone, okay?” He slapped me across the face with the back of his big, meaty hand. I fell over onto my side, but a clump of my pretty red hair remained in his friend’s clenched fist.

  Oh man. My noggin would have a bald spot. I knew I shouldn’t care, but my mom would demand an open casket and I’d have an ugly bald spot. The mortician would have to draw fake hair on my head and it would look tacky and embarrass my mom and dad. That thought motivated me to scream like my life depended on it... because it did.

  Curled in a fetal position on my bed, I heard a noise on the other side of my bedroom door. The two guys were arguing about what to do with me, if I wouldn’t give them the mysterious computer disc and they hadn’t heard the noise. All the options were bad for me. My suggestion would be for them to let me go. I wished Steve would save me. That was my last thought before I passed out.

  Steve was on his way home from the station and envied Brett. Even though it wasn’t a real date, still, he got to spend time with Corny. Brett worked undercover for several months to capture a rapist who had targeted online dating services. When Brett discovered Corny’s profile, he hacked into her online dating account and found out she had six dates planned for one night. Steve knew that was typical Corny style. She never considered the consequences of her actions. He set Brett up as a speed dating snoop—to protect her.

  Steve’s cell phone rang and it was Fred, a cop buddy of his. He’d sent him over to keep an eye on Corny because Brett wouldn’t be able to follow her around after the date ended.

  “Listen Steve, I’ve got bad news. There’s been a murder at the Green Leaf Vietnamese restaurant and it’s one of Corny’s date’s who’s dead. I’m sorry man. I went to use the bathroom and things fell apart while I was gone. The waiter was more than happy to tell me that the dead guy’s date, Corny, left to go to the bathroom right before the shooting started and that she never came back. The sous chef told me that Corny, two other women, and a man ran through the kitchen in a big hurry after the staff heard a popping noise. I headed over to the next restaurant and sure enough she was there with another date. Her friends were at a nearby table. Is there anything you want me to do after she leaves?” Fred asked.

  “Does it look like Corny and her friends had anything to do with the shooting?”

  “No, they didn’t witness it, but Corny might have seen the guys’ faces before she left. I’d appreciate it if you’d question her for me. The guys that did the shooting were professionals, but aren’t the smartest people on the planet. They walked right up to their victim, and asked him a question. When the victim laughed, they shot him. We have a whole restaurant full of witnesses—I’ll keep you posted.”

  Steve thought the two people must be Corny’s friends, Brenda and Kitty. He wondered who the third person was. What did she get herself into this time? He cared for her, but she definitely had her fair share of crazy things happening lately. He decided he wanted her back— even if she was a disaster magnet.

  He needed to make sure Corny was okay before he went home for the night. He called her several times, but she didn’t pick up her phone. He called her friend Brenda.”Have you heard from Corny tonight?”

  “Corny’s probably sleeping. She went on a dating marathon and had a crappy time.
She cares for you and she’s not that impulsive or reckless. Kitty and I have been friends with her our entire lives and we’ve survived her crazy shenanigans. You’re a cop, you can handle her. Her pet detective business is her life. You need to listen to her plan.”

  “Okay, I’ll listen. Thank you. Tell her to call me if you hear from her.” He hung up and felt as though he had a friend in Brenda, and he understood Corny a little better. The murder gave him a tingle between his shoulder blades. The tingle soon turned into a full-fledged itch. He understood Corny was tired, but she always answered when he called. Her apartment wasn’t far away and he would feel better if he saw her for himself.

  When he pulled up in front of her apartment, Steve realized he could see part-way into her living room—through her cheap blinds. As he contemplated what he would say to her, he heard a scream, and recognized Corny’s voice. He immediately called for backup and ran toward her building.

  Fortunately, he still had a key to her apartment, which he quietly used to open her door. There wasn’t anyone visible, so he made his way in and took cover behind her couch, with his gun drawn. He heard a whimper and a couple of pissed-off male voices. The two men argued about what to do with Corny if she wouldn’t tell them where a computer disc was. What had she gotten herself into now and how could her get her out of it?

  When he heard the sirens approach he knew it was now or never. He could see that one of the guys had a bloody nose, but no visible gun. He relaxed and wiped his nose on his sleeve as Steve blasted through the bedroom door. The element of surprise was on his side. He pulled back his arm and hit the guy in the face several times before the thug quickly went down like a tree trunk. The second guy was another story. He didn’t hesitate to pull the trigger, but Steve was faster and fired first. Both of them would live. If Steve hadn’t had the element of surprise, he and Corny could’ve ended up dead.