Klutzy Love

by Sharon Kleve

  “Man, this place is hot; check out that chick behind the counter. I want a bite of her.”

  “I’ll buy you a cupcake if you be quiet. What flavor do you want?”

  “I’m a simple guy. How about vanilla on vanilla?”

  “You got it. Hey, there isn’t a sign advertising the ‘Special of the Day.’ Steve better not be playing a joke on me.”

  “Ask Trixy over there. I like her sexy, low-cut red dress. You should wear sexy clothes like that for Steve—he’d love it.”

  I pretended to look at the cupcake choices for a few minutes and then, like Steve instructed, I made my inquiry. “May I have the Special of the Day please?”

  Trixy didn’t blink an eye at my request. She bent over, which exposed her impressive cleavage and retrieved a two- sided laminated menu and handed it to me. “You can sit over there and take a look at our selection of services and prices. The pink side describes our female services and the blue side describes our male services. You can make a selection from the blue side or the pink side or a combination of both, if you prefer.”

  Slightly confused, I took the menu and sat down at one of the beautiful antique tables.

  “Steve was right again, this place is a cupcake pleasure palace. Not that I’ve ever shopped for sex before, but their prices seem awfully high.”

  “Holly crap, look at this stuff.”

  Half dozen cupcakes and one orgasm for $100.00

  One dozen cupcakes and two orgasms for $200.00

  A baker’s dozen cupcakes and unlimited orgasms in a half hour for $300.00

  A baker’s dozen and unlimited orgasms in one hour for $400.00

  Half dozen cupcakes and a half hour of thrusting (orgasm optional) for $100.00

  One dozen cupcakes and an hour of thrusting (orgasm optional) for $200.00

  “There’s a bunch of kinky stuff on the menu. Man, Steve would love to see this.”

  “I could grab it and make a run for it.”

  “No.”

  I decided to be honest with Trixy. “How do I decide what I want? There’s a lot to choose from.”

  She had probably never been asked that before because she seemed stumped. Before she came up with a response I handed back the menu and said, “I’ll take a dozen of the ‘Better then Sex Chocolate’ and one ‘Vanilla Delight’ cupcake please. I’ll be back when I can make up my mind.” After I paid, I scurried out the door with my treats. I walked back to my car and turned on the air conditioner to cool myself off. “Pete, it’s only 55 degrees out and my armpits are dripping. I’m not cut out for sexy undercover work.”

  “Did you see the look on Trixy’s face? It was priceless. I guess most people know what they want in the sex department before they come in to buy.”

  “Shut-up.”

  “Hey, I think you did great—sort of. Those cupcakes are expensive; I think it would’ve been a better deal if you would’ve chosen the ‘One dozen cupcakes and two orgasms for $200.00.’ “

  “You’re a sick puppy, you know that?”

  “Hey, I’ve been called worse. Admit it; you considered ordering off the laminated menu.”

  “Okay, I was curious, but I refrained from temptation. Come on, I’m going to curb my sexual frustration with copious amounts of sugar.”

  I sat in Langfield Laboratories parking lot and considered how to tell Steve about my experience at the cupcake shop, when he pulled up next to me in his black unmarked car.

  He got in and said, “Hey cupcake, what’s shaking?” He immediately started to crack up. He laughed for a good five minutes at my expense. Obviously, he knew what would happen when I asked for the Special of the Day. I punched him in the arm, but he didn’t budge. Steve had mega-guns and I didn’t mean his .45 auto. He saw the bakery box on the floorboard and reached in and grabbed a cupcake for me and took one for himself.

  After one bite, his eyes rolled back in his head and he declared, “Wow, the flavor explodes in your mouth. These are great!” I gave him the gimme sign with my hand, which was short for, tell me now.

  Steve stated to laugh again. “You go first, honey.”

  I told Steve about my experience and was embarrassed all over again. “I can’t believe I asked Trixy for help on what I should order off the menu; I sounded like a virgin.”

  “We had the place bugged and heard about the infamous menu, but hadn’t been able to get them to offer the menu to any of my officers. Good job, baby. Thanks to you, we now know what the menu looks like. I’ll send in a female officer next time.”

  “My conversation was heard and recorded by your team?”

  “I, um, gotta…get back to work. See you later…” He was out of my car in record time. At least I got to keep the cupcakes.

  ***

  It took another week before I got a call from Joe’s Auto Repair in Renton. “We can get the wrinkles out of your Mini Cooper by Tuesday of next week.”

  “That’s great news. Thank you.” They’re funny guys; iron out the wrinkles… ha ha! That left one more week of driving the Taurus.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Steve called and gave me the bad news: “Hi honey, I have to work late all week, but I’ll make it up to you on Saturday, okay?”

  “Sure, I guess. Hey, do you want me to stop by the Delicious Cupcake Shop for cupcakes—not an orgasm—when I come over?”

  “Sorry Red, we shut the place down. The Double Delicious Cupcake Shop is now a Dollar Store.”

  “Bummer.”

  ***

  Saturday morning Steve called and said, “I’m awake and horny. Come on over and bring Pete with you. Oh, and plan to spend the weekend. Hey, you can help me pull the weeds that are overtaking my backyard.”

  “Wow, how exciting, sweetie pie. Are you going to feed me?”

  “Pizza and a movie. Hurry or I’ll start without you.”

  It was pretty sad that a ferret had become my confidant. “Steve knows I’m going to open my own pet detective business, but he doesn’t know about my extra-special psychic skills. Do you think he’ll think I’m nuts?”

  “Yes, absolutely, he’ll think you’re nuts. But what the heck—go for it.”

  “I’m not getting a warm and fuzzy from you. Are you sure you have my best interest at heart?”

  “Of course. Ferret’s live a long time; we’re stuck with each other.”

  “All right, hang on. This piece of crap car doesn’t turn on a dime like my Mini Cooper.”

  ***

  After two hours, I’d pulled a million stubborn weeds. “Steve, you’re a slave driver. At least your yard doesn’t look like an overgrown jungle any longer. Can we take a break? I’ll go make ice tea.”

  “Wimp. We’re only half-finished.” But he had sweated through his shirt.

  “You keep going then and I’ll be right back with refreshments.”

  It would be a good time to talk to Steve about my unique communication skills. I waited until he had guzzled two big glasses of sweet tea and was resting against a maple tree. “Steve, I graduate from detective school next week and I’m getting ready to look for building space for my business. I also need to tell you about an unusual skill I have, that might be a little hard to believe. I can communicate with animals. It all started when I was twelve and the kid next door’s pet hamster disappeared and I was able to find him before he was washed away in a storm drain.”

  Steve looked at me as though I had heat stroke, but I continued. “I inherited my pet psychic skills from my Aunt Harriett, on my father’s side of the family.”

  Steve started to laugh hysterically and then he grabbed his sides as he rolled over onto the grass. He looked up at my face and suddenly got serious. “Corny, can you honestly understand what an animal is thinking and saying?”

  �
�It depends on the animal, but yes I can. All animals are different, like people. Pete, for instance, can be quite articulate, when he chooses to. The only animal I couldn’t get a psychic connection with was a badass bald eagle. He could understand me, but he refused to acknowledge me because I was inferior to him. Again, it’s like dealing with humans; a few think they’re superior to others.”

  “If I didn’t know you, I’d think you were nuts, but it makes sense in a strange sort of way. I’d noticed the way Pete responds to you.”

  “You believe me?”

  “I admit you could have certain sensitivity to animal’s moods. Will that do for now?”

  I jumped up and down on the inside with glee, but on the outside I pretended to think about it. “Thank you for being open to the unusual. Let’s take a shower and then do the wild thing again.”

  He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder saying, “Absolutely!”

  I hadn’t realized until it was too late that Steve meant that dinner would be a frozen cardboard pizza and I would have to sit through the whole ‘Terminator’ series.

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  Ralph showed up on time Monday and he refrained from any nasty remarks as he passed my desk. We made a pact that he would consult with me before he deleted any email. After lunch he asked, “Can I delete the six emails I got about penis enlargement treatments?”

  “Yes, go ahead.”

  “Hey, how did they get my email address anyway? I don’t need their services for my pencil, I mean my penis.”

  I couldn’t help myself and laughed out loud, “Okey, dokey.”

  He actually mumbled, “Thank you.” He went back to his office to make the deletions.

  Monday passed without incident, except for the pencil/penis Freudian slip. It was Pete’s idea that I request information for penis enlargement treatments. Ralph sounded confident that he couldn’t possibly need any help in that department. Mr. Langfield might have passed on more than Langfield Laboratories to his son.

  Right after lunch, I walked into Ralph’s office and laid my letter of resignation on top of his tidy little piles. He created lots of little piles of paper, but I wasn’t sure how much work he actually did.

  I watched him read my resignation through the door jamb. He got up and paced back and forth in front of the window. Pete’d been at it again. There was a tack stuck to his behind. It was hard not to laugh. He seemed excited about my resignation and didn’t notice the sting. Ralph shut his door and didn’t speak to me the rest of the day. He had a small smile on his face throughout the day, though.

  “Good job, Pete.”

  He took a silly bow. “Thank you, thank you everyone.”

  ***

  The next day Ralph arrived at 8:00 a.m., which was early for him, and made a dramatic announcement, “I’m going to start interviewing for your replacement.” He had a smile on his face again. Jerk!

  I hadn’t thought about who would replace me. Obviously, it had crossed Ralph’s mind and he couldn’t wait for me to be gone. It could take months to replace an employee as superior as me.

  Tuesday, Ralph handed me six resumes. “Set up interviews for Wednesday and Thursday please. Mrs. Petersburg from Human Resources wants to do the interviews. Please notify her of the times.”

  Where did he get those resumes? They looked professional and all six candidates had more experience in corporate administration than I did. In a fit of defiance that I could not control, I scheduled all six for Wednesday. The first candidate was scheduled for 8:00 a.m., the time that he usually graced us with his presence.

  Ralph sauntered in at 7:30 a.m. He looked professional in his one and only suit. Mrs. Petersburg called to say she was in the conference room and to send the first candidate in. By lunchtime, they were ahead of schedule. Ralph ran out the door to grab a bite to eat. Mrs. Petersburg came out of the conference room and asked, “How have you managed to stay working for that moron as long as you have?”

  “Oh, I’ve been entertaining myself.” We both laughed— he knew exactly what I meant.

  Could one of these women be my replacement? Most importantly, could one of them put up with the Ralph? When Ralph got ready to leave for the day I asked, “Do any of the women seem like they would be a good fit for the position?”

  He looked confused. “Oh, you mean, can they do the job? They’re all pretty smart and could probably run the company. But I shouldn’t have a receptionist who’s smarter than me. I might need to do more interviews.”

  Uh, what does that say about me? Well, I liked the last one. I called her and told her if she wanted the job she needed to call Ralph and act dumb.

  She was quick to respond, “Okay, I’ll do it right now.”

  The next day Ralph walked in with a big goofy grin on his face, “Guess what? Nancy is perfect. She told me that I seemed intelligent and she could learn a lot from me. I hired her and she starts tomorrow. Isn’t that great?”

  “That’s wonderful. Congratulations.” Nancy must be a great actress. She’d fit right in.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  My replacement was a little too easy to find, if you ask me. Oh well, now I had time to make the necessary preparations to open my new pet detective business. Nancy could learn all about Langfield Laboratories, while I learned about my new job. It was a win-win for both of us.

  Steve was busy again with cop stuff; I called Kitty and Brenda. Even though they’re both loony, they have creative ideas and that’s what I needed. Since they were available; we made arrangements to meet up at Chico’s at 6:00 p.m. That gave me enough time to go home and freshen up and still take care of Pete’s many needs.

  ***

  Kitty and Brenda ordered our usual jumbo margaritas, but I ordered a diet soda. Steve said my butt looked pretty hot and I wanted to keep it that way. We caught up on the latest gossip since we had last seen each other.

  Brenda gave us a goon update. “Things are still hot and heavy but I still don’t know what he does for a living. We spend a lot of time together, but he disappears at odd hours. Did Steve get any information on him?”

  “Ever since the barbecue at Steve’s, he tells me to mind my own business when it comes to John. I have no idea what that means. Sorry.”

  “At least Steve hasn’t told me to stay away from John. That’s a good sign, right Corny?”

  “Yes, but it still seems as though he knows more than he’s saying. I’ll keep trying to get information for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Okay, what’s up with you Kitty? Any new love interest you’d like to tell us about?”

  “Well, there is a guy, but I don’t want to jinx the relationship by talking about it. If I see it’s going somewhere, I’ll let you know.”

  “Okay, but you know Brenda and I might spy on you now, to get the scoop. Ha ha.”

  “Thanks for warning me. I’ll keep an eye out for you two.”

  We ate plates heaped full of chicken enchiladas, Spanish rice and beans. Then I got down to business. “Okay guys, I need your help coming up with a business name. It has to be catchy and unique.” When Kitty thinks real-hard, she squints her eyes. I’ve told her over and over again to cool it with the squint or she’ll be a Botox junky at thirty-five.

  She suggested, “How about Lost Pets-R-Us, Pet Tracker Gal, or Precious Pet Retrieval?”

  Brenda blurted, “I got it. ‘Green Hornet Investigations’. Your slogan could be; ‘You mess with pets and you get stung.’ “ She licked the salt off the rim of her glass.

  “Okay, the name’s great, but the slogan sounds a little threatening. Thanks guys, you’re the best.”

  “You’re great too Corny,” Kitty and Brenda said in unison. They do that a lot.

  ***

  Nancy took over most of my duties. Midweek she sa
id, “Your going-away party is scheduled for noon. What kind of cake would you like? Chocolate or white?”

  “White is fine by me.” The truth was I wanted to walk out the door at 4:00 p.m. without the hoopla. But I worked there so many years it would be rude not to stay and say, ‘Hasta la vista.’ The party was nice and a few people asked about my future. I took the opportunity to hand out my business flyers, which I’d made with Langfield Laboratories’s colored paper. At first they seemed surprised, but then they thought it was a great idea. Ralph hadn’t bothered to show up; I didn’t feel the least bit shameful about the paper.

  At exactly 5:00 p.m. on Friday afternoon, Security walked me out the door. Ralph told them to make sure they collected all my keys and that I hadn’t grabbed anything that wasn’t mine. What a turd…

  Now I needed to find the perfect location for my business. By Tuesday, I’d looked at ten different locations and by Thursday I signed the lease and got my keys. Another woo-hoo for me! I could be moved in by the end of the month. I needed to make a few major purchases first— like a phone, desk, and a chair and of course a refrigerator and espresso machine. The office was in the perfect location: one block South of Green Lake in the Wallingford District. Business would be booming in no time.

  I was ecstatic and needed to share my enthusiasm with my sexy cop. “Hey you, I found the perfect building and want to celebrate. How about I stop by Pike’s Place Market and pick-up a couple steaks?”

  “Congratulations! Yeah, I can be there by 6:00. Be ready to celebrate, if you know what I mean, baby.”