Heart of Ice

by Diana Palmer

  “Egan,” she protested weakly.

  “Just relax,” he whispered, bringing her hips back against his in a slow, sweet rotation. “Let me show you how much I want you.”

  He ground her hips into the powerful, taut muscles of his own. She cried out as he freed one hand to bring her shaking mouth down onto his, thrusting his tongue up into it in a rhythm that said more than words.

  “My room,” he whispered. “Right now.”

  He rolled her over and handed her the blouse and sweater he had taken off her minutes before. “You’d better put those on,” he said in a taut undertone. “In case Dessie’s still up.”

  She clutched the cool things to her, staring at him like someone coming out of a trance.

  “Well?” he ground out. “My God, you felt what you’ve done to me. I need you, damn it!”

  She swallowed, trying to find the right words. “I need you too, Egan,” she said shakily. “But there’s something you’d…you’d better know first.”

  “What? That you aren’t on the Pill?” he demanded. “It’s all right, I’ll take care of it. I won’t let you get pregnant.”

  She blushed and lowered her eyes to the jerky rise and fall of his chest. Her fingers tightened on the shirt and sweater. “I’m a virgin.”

  “My God, that’s a good one.” He laughed coldly. “Try again.”

  “I don’t have to,” she said, trying to hold on to her pride and her self-respect, both of which were slipping. “I’ve told you the truth.”

  “Sure, I’m a virgin, too,” he told her. “Now can we go to bed?”

  “Go right ahead,” she said with venom in her tone. “But without me! Didn’t you hear what I said, damn you, I’m a virgin!”

  “At twenty-five?” he asked in a biting tone. “Writing the kind of books you write?”

  “I’ve told you until I’m blue in the face that I don’t research those love scenes—most of which are foreplay with a hint of fulfillment!” She flushed, avoiding his eyes. “And some of that is obligatory—I can’t get historical fiction published without it. And as for men…” she added, lifting her face to glare at him, “…most of them have felt as you do, that a woman’s place in the modern world is to be available for sex and then disappear before anyone gets emotional. I can’t live like that, so I don’t indulge.”

  “Never?” he burst out.

  “Never!” she returned. “Egan, didn’t Ada ever tell you about my parents?”

  His breathing was steadier now, but he still looked frustrated and full of venom. “That they were old?”

  She took another steadying breath of her own. “My father was a Presbyterian minister,” she whispered. “And my mother had been a missionary. Now do you understand?”

  He looked as if he’d been slapped. His eyes went over her, right down to the fingers that trembled on her discarded top. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he ground out. “My God, the things I said to you…!”

  He got to his feet and grabbed up his shirt, shouldering angrily into it. “Get out of here,” he said coldly.

  She managed to get to her feet gracefully, pausing as she tried to decide between running for it and dressing first.

  “Put on your blouse, for heaven’s sake!” he snapped, and turned away again to light a cigarette with jerky motions.

  She put on the blouse and pulled the sweater on over it without ever fastening a button. She couldn’t even look at him as she walked toward the door. Her fingers fumbled with the lock, and when she pulled the door open, he still hadn’t turned or said a word. She closed it quietly behind her with trembling fingers and went upstairs as quickly as she could. When she was safely in her room, with her own door locked, she burst into tears.

  Chapter Ten

  It was the most agonizing night Kati remembered spending. Egan had bruised her emotions in ways she hadn’t dreamed possible. Rejecting her was enough of a blow. But couldn’t he have done it gently? She cringed, thinking of the way he’d been, the things he’d said until she confessed. Ada had warned her. Why hadn’t she listened?

  Worst of all was the fact that she’d been more than ready to give in to anything he wanted of her. She’d wanted him to know the truth because he was so hungry that she was afraid of being hurt the first time. But her revelation had backfired. Instead of comforting her, he ordered her out of the room and turned his back.

  Well, at least she knew how he really felt now, she told herself miserably. She knew that he’d only wanted her, and there was no feeling on his part except desire. She couldn’t remember ever hurting so much. She loved him. What she’d felt in his hard, expert embrace was something she’d never get over. But he’d turned away as if such devastating interludes were just run-of-the-mill. To him, they probably were. With good-time girls like Jennie.

  She got up well before daylight. She packed quickly and dressed in her boots and jeans and a burgundy sweater. She decided to go downstairs and have breakfast, and make sure Egan had left the house before she called a cab. It was eight o’clock, and he was usually long gone by then. She didn’t know how she could face him if he was still there, not after last night. It made her color, just remembering the things they’d done together.

  Her footsteps slowed as she reached the kitchen. She pushed the door open part way and found Dessie puttering around the stove. With a sigh of relief, she pushed it open the rest of the way and came face to face with Egan, who was just behind it picking up his hat from the counter.

  She actually jumped aside. He looked down at her with an expression she couldn’t read. His eyes were dark silver, cold, angry.

  “I want to talk to you for a minute,” he said curtly.

  He didn’t give her a chance to protest. He propelled her through the door and down the hall to the living room. He shut the door behind them and stared hard at her.

  “Before you start,” she said in a painfully subdued tone, “I realize it was all my fault, and I’m sorry.”

  He pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, his fingers steady. “We won’t talk about last night,” he said. “Stay the week out, finish your research. If you run off this morning, you’ll just upset Dessie and Ada.”

  “What do you mean, if I run off?” she countered defensively.

  “Aren’t your bags packed already?” he asked, lifting his head at an arrogant angle.

  Damn his perception, she thought furiously, turning her eyes to the curtained windows. “Yes,” she snapped.

  “Then unpack them. You came here, obviously, for a different reason than I brought you,” he said with the old, familiar mockery. “Since your work is obviously so important, by all means indulge yourself. Just stay out of the bunkhouse after dark. We’ve got a couple of new men that I don’t know well.”

  “The only people I really need to talk to are Gig and Ramey,” she told him with what dignity she could muster. “Would you mind if I asked them up to the house?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” he shot back through a cloud of smoke. “I don’t play the master around here. The men are always welcome.”

  “I didn’t mean it that way,” she said. She wrapped her arms around her. “Please don’t hate me, Egan.”

  He stood, breathing slowly, deliberately, while his eyes accused. “You knew why I invited you here, Kati,” he said after a minute, and his manner was colder than the snow outside. “I didn’t make any secret of wanting you. I assumed you felt the same way.”

  Her eyes lowered to his shirtfront. “I thought I could go through with it,” she confessed. “But, last night—” She swallowed. “I was afraid that if I didn’t tell you the truth, you’d hurt me.”

  He made an odd noise deep in his throat and turned away, smoking his cigarette quietly while the clock on the mantel ticked with unnatural loudness.

  “I told you once that I like my women experienced. I meant it. I have no taste whatsoever for virgins.” He took another harsh draw from the cigarette and moved restlessly around the room, oblivious
to her slight flinch. “You’re safe for the duration, Miss James,” he said finally, glaring at her. “I wouldn’t touch you now to save this ranch.”

  She would have died before she’d let him see how much that hurt. Her face lifted with what pride she had left. “I won’t get in your way,” she promised quietly.

  “Well, that’s comforting,” he said sarcastically, and with a smile she didn’t like.

  Her arms tightened where she had them folded over her breasts. “If that’s all, I’d like to have some coffee.”

  “Help yourself.”

  She left him, her heart around her ankles. It had been better when she hated him, when she didn’t have the memory of his hungry ardor to haunt her. But he’d closed all the doors just now, and there wouldn’t be any openings again. He’d as much as said so. Virgins didn’t interest him.

  She laughed miserably to herself. At least he hadn’t guessed that she was in love with him. He hadn’t understood that she couldn’t have given herself without loving, and that was a blessing. She’d finish her research and get out of there. And once she did, she never wanted to see Egan again. It would be too painful.

  For the rest of the day, she went through the motions of living without really feeling much of anything. Dessie noticed, but was kind enough not to say anything.

  Finally, faced with imminent insanity or work, Kati chose work. She got out the portable computer and began to write, putting all her frustrations and irritations down on paper in a letter to Egan telling him just what she thought of him. She read it over and then erased every word from the screen without ever having fed it to her printer. She felt much better. Then she began work on the book.

  Somehow, writing took all the venom out of her. She created without knowing how she did it, watching the characters unfold on paper, feeling the life-force in them even as she put the words down. When she looked at the clock, she realized that she’d been working for hours. She put the information on tape and then ran it off on the printer for hard copy. After a shower, she went downstairs to see if she could help Dessie with supper.

  “No need,” Dessie told her with a grin. “We’ve having beef stew and homemade rolls and a salad. Suit you?”

  “Oh, yes! I love beef stew!” she enthused.

  “You’ll like this—it’s our own beef. Want to sit down while I dish it up?”

  Kati eased into a chair, noticing that only two places were set. “Just us two?” she asked as casually as she could.

  “Boss is helping at the calving sheds. Had a handful of first-time heifers calving tonight, and they’ve already had to pull one. Gets expensive if you lose too many calves,” she explained.

  “Is the snow still melting?”

  “No, worse luck,” Dessie grumbled as she put the food on the table. “Weatherman says it’s going to come again tonight. I’ve seen it so that the snow was over the door.”

  Kati’s heart lodged in her throat. “That high?”

  “This is Wyoming” came the laughing reply. “Everything’s bigger out West, didn’t you know? Now, don’t you worry. The boys would dig us out if we got snowed in. And we could get another Chinook.”

  “I remember a painting by Russell,” Kati murmured. “A drawing of a cow freezing in the snow, surrounded by wolves, with the legend Waiting for a Chinook. I didn’t understand it until now.”

  “See? You’re learning.” She nibbled at her stew, watching the younger woman curiously. “Uh, you wouldn’t care to tell me a little about this new book? I’ve read all your others.”

  Kati’s face brightened. “You have?”

  “Sure. Well, I know you, sort of.” She shifted in the chair. “Gave the girls at the bookstore a charge when I told them that.” She glanced up. “I like the books, though, or I wouldn’t spend good money on them.”

  “Just for that,” Kati said, “I’ll tell you the whole plot.”

  And Dessie sat, rapt, sighing and smiling, while the entire book was outlined.

  “What does the hero look like this time?” Dessie asked finally. “Is he blond like your others?”

  “No, this one is dark and has silver eyes.”

  “Like Egan?”

  Kati’s face flamed red. “His eyes are…gray,” she protested.

  “Not when he’s mad, they ain’t. They’re silver, and they gleam.” She reached over and patted the young woman’s hand. “Listen, I don’t tell Egan nothing. I won’t spill the beans, so don’t start clamming up. These eyes of mine may be old, but they don’t miss a lot. Besides,” she added, sipping coffee, “this morning he ate sausage.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Egan eats bacon or ham. He hates sausage. I cook it for me.” She grinned. “He wouldn’t have noticed if I’d fed him raw eggs. In a nasty temper, he was.”

  And Kati knew why, but she wasn’t rising to the bait. “Maybe his tastes have changed.”

  “Oh, I know that,” Dessie said casually. “Yes, I do. Have some more stew.”

  The snow came all night, but Egan didn’t appear. It was late the next morning before Kati got a glimpse of him. He came in cursing, stripping off his jacket as he strode toward his study.

  “Damned bull,” he muttered. “I should have had his horns cut off…Dessie!” he yelled.

  She came running, her apron flapping, while Kati stood frozen on the staircase.

  “What?” Dessie asked.

  “That big Hereford bull of mine got Al,” he grumbled. “Get some bandages and disinfectant and I’ll drive you down to the bunkhouse to bandage him until I can get the doctor here. I’ve sent Ramey to fetch him.” He jerked up the phone. “Kati!” he called.

  She walked in as he was punching buttons. “What can I do?” she asked hesitantly.

  “You can stay with Al’s wife and keep her quiet,” he told her. He held up his hand and spoke into the phone. “Brad, have the boys tracked that wolf yet? Well, call Harry Two Toes and get him to meet me at the house in twenty minutes. Tell him I’ll pay him a thousand dollars for that damned wolf. Right.” He hung up the receiver. “Al’s wife, Barbara, is pregnant with their first child,” he continued, his eyes dark and steady on hers. “I won’t let her see him. She gets hysterical at the sight of blood, and she’s miscarried twice already. Will you stay with her?”

  “Of course,” she said without hesitation. “How old is she?”

  “Twenty. Just a baby herself. Al was trying to check a sore on that damned bull, and he turned wrong. It’s my fault, I should have had him dehorned,” he said shortly as he rose from the desk. “Got Al in the stomach. That’s a bad place to get gored.”

  “If he works for you, he must be tough,” she said quietly. “He’ll be all right, Egan.”

  His eyes searched hers for a long moment. He turned away. “Get a coat, honey.”

  She thrilled to the endearment, although she knew that he was worried and probably hadn’t realized he was saying it. She ran up the stairs to get her overcoat and knitted hat, and hurried back. Dessie was already wearing a thick corduroy coat of her own, a floppy old hat and hightop boots.

  “Let’s go,” Egan murmured, herding them out into the snow where the truck was parked.

  It was slow going. The road was half obscured by the thick, heavy flakes that fell relentlessly. It seemed to take forever to get to the bunkhouse. Egan had Kati wait in the car while he got Dessie inside and checked to see how Al was. He was back minutes later.

  “He’s stopped bleeding, at least on the outside,” he said heavily as he pulled the truck back onto the ruts. “But he’s lost color and he’s hurting pretty bad. He’ll need to go to the hospital, I’m damned sure of that. I told the boys to get him into one of the pickups and put a camper over it and take him into town. I had Ken call Ramey on the radio and have him go on to the hospital instead of to the doctor’s and alert the emergency room.”

  “It’s starting out to be a rough day, isn’t it?” she asked, thinking of the poor man’s wife as well, who sti
ll had to be told about the accident.

  “Worse.” He lit another cigarette. “We had two cows brought down by a wolf and savaged.”

  “One wolf?” she asked.

  “He’s old and wily,” he told her shortly. “I’ve lost cows and calves to him for several months now, and I’m at the end of my patience. I’m going to get an Arapaho tracker I know to help me find him.”

  “You must be losing a lot of money if the wolf is bringing down that many cattle.”

  “That’s not why. I hate killing even a mangy wolf, with the environment in the mess it’s in. But you’ve never seen a cow or a horse that’s been attacked by a wolf.” His jaws set. “They don’t quite kill the animals, you see.”

  She did, graphically, and her face paled. “Oh.”

  “We’ll trap him and free him in the high country.” He turned the truck into the driveway of a small house not far below the bunkhouse.

  “Will wolves attack people?” she asked uneasily.

  “Not you,” he said, half amused. “You won’t be walking this ranch alone.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” She glanced at him silently.

  “Worried about me?” he asked mockingly.

  She turned away. “Maybe I was worrying about the wolf,” she grumbled.

  He got out and helped her over the high bank of snow. She noticed that he didn’t offer to carry her this time, and she was glad. It was torture to be close to him, with all the memories between them.

  “Try to make her rest as much as you can,” Egan said before he knocked on the door. “I’ll have Ramey call here just as soon as the doctor’s examined Al.”

  “All right. I’ll take care of her.”

  The door opened, and a pretty young girl with dark hair and eyes opened it. “Egan!” she said enthusiastically. “What brings you here?”

  His eyes went from her swollen belly back to her face and he grimaced. He pulled off his hat. “Barbara, my new Hereford bull gored Al,” he said softly. “He’s all right, but I’ve had the boys drive him in to see the doctor.”

  The girl’s face went pale, and Kati stepped forward quickly, as Egan did, to help her back inside and onto a chair.