Dear Canada: These Are My Words
Page 4
Take care of yourself and remember I love you always with all my heart.
Grandma
Grandma only mentions one letter. I have written her two letters already. I wonder which one she got?
Wednesday, October 12
A girl refused to eat her supper and she had to sit there until she did. She was still sitting there crying when we finished sweeping the floor. The other girls said that it was beef goulash or something. I just ate it. It tasted kind of like sour cream, but I ate it. I haven’t been punished yet for not eating my food.
I’m answering Grandma’s letter instead of watching television this evening.
If Grandma is not getting all my letters, I must be sure to copy everything into my diary.
Wednesday, October 12, 1966
Insy Pimash
Flint Lake, Ontario
Dear Grandma,
It was so good to hear from you. Yes, please ask for Jennie’s address. I do miss her and Lucy too. I’m doing fine and things are all right, other than that I miss you and the cabin. I am learning some new stuff at school and I discovered that I really love watching television in the evenings. I have seen a television, of course, when I was at the hospital or at the Band Office on the Reserve, but I didn’t know about all the evening shows they have here. There are shows for children and comedy for adults and then there are the cowboy shows and new music band shows. We also have a snack of sandwiches and milk while we watch the shows before bed. The meals are good too. That’s all you smell when you come in the side door where we come and go, since it’s just off the dining room and the kitchen just beyond that. It is a comforting smell and makes you very hungry.
There was a big storm last night. We could hear the wind howling around the windows and see the snow hitting the windowpanes. I was thinking of you, and if you have storms like that I hope you are snug and warm inside your little cabin. I miss Blackie too. I started writing a story about Blackie. It is getting quite thick. I put him in all kinds of adventures and he rescues people and drags drowning kids to shore and then he gets into fights with other dogs. I am going to draw a picture of him on the cover when I am done.
I wish I was there with you. It’s two more months before I can see you again. I can’t wait! We will go rabbit snaring and ice fishing with the little toboggan pulled behind us.
With all my love,
Violet (Pynut) Pesheens
Thursday, October 13
The big Cree girl was sweeping the dining-room floor after lunch, and when I went to get the broom from the closet, she came in and grabbed it from me. I need a broom to sweep the floor quick or I will be late for school. She wouldn’t give it to me, so I just lunged and grabbed it from her. She held on, so I threw her to the floor and still she would not let go of the broom, so I pushed the handle against her throat and I put both my knees on both sides. I felt a hot, searing anger come over me. I never felt this kind of anger in my whole life before! I didn’t know I was that strong either! I worked hard with Grandma cutting wood and hauling water, so I guess I have a lot of muscles.
Anyway, I watched her face turn red and she couldn’t breathe, but I wouldn’t let her go until I heard someone coming. I jumped up and grabbed the broom and went out and began sweeping the floor. I could hear the girl coughing and gasping. When I finished sweeping and put the broom back, she was gone.
After supper
I was expecting to be called to the office for some kind of punishment, ever since we came home from school, but nothing yet. I guess I’ll just keep waiting. I wish they would just get it over with. I started shaking when I was thinking of what they would do to me. It’s bedtime soon. Maybe the Cree girl didn’t say anything.
Friday, October 14
I waited for my punishment for beating up the Cree girl before breakfast, but still nothing.
At lunch, I swept the floor and saw that girl sweeping up her half of the dining room without looking at me. I ran all the way back to King George School.
After supper, I went to the washroom and found blood on my panties. Grandma had told me that this would happen, but I didn’t know what to do, so I went to Miss Tanner and she took me upstairs, where she gave me an elastic strap to put around my waist, and it had clips hanging down at the front and back. Then she gave me a package of pads with long tails at each end. I stood there holding one tail, trying to figure out how I was supposed to put the thing on. She sighed and told me that these pad ends are what slip through the clips hanging down from the waist strap. It really is a weird-looking thing. I was very dismayed that this would happen every month for one whole week!
Oh, I wish I was home with Grandma. I cried before I could come down the stairs. I want Mother and Grandma! I want to go home!
Saturday, October 15
The big Cree girl just ignores me now. The other two girls haven’t bothered me again either.
Miss Lewis asked me to come with her after supper. We went down the hall and into an empty room with a bed in it, and she told me to lie down on the bed. She said she’s studying to be a nurse and she has to learn how to change the sheets without moving me. We laughed a lot as she tried to follow instructions from a book. She had to do it four times before she got it right. Then one more time to make sure she could do it quick. That was fun!
While I was there, and since she was going to be a nurse, I mentioned about my cramps and wondered if I had to put up with the pain and the blood too every month! I told her it seemed like very unjust punishment to me. She laughed and gave me an Aspirin, saying that she could only give them to me one at a time and only when the cramps got real bad.
Sunday, October 16
Emma came this afternoon. She was very happy. We walked to the park again and we talked about home. She says that her brother Mike wrote to tell her that her little sister got sick and had to go to the hospital, but that she is okay now. Otherwise, everyone is fine at home. Except an old man called Ol’ Moses had an accident and died. I felt very bad about that. I remember on January 1st he showed up at Grandma’s cabin for the “hugs and kisses” day, when people went around from cabin to cabin hugging and kissing each other. I remember Grandma and I went ice fishing right after he left, because we didn’t want anyone else coming for hugs and kisses — Grandma knew I didn’t like it.
Emma didn’t know exactly what happened to him. Maybe Grandma will say something about him the next time she writes.
Monday, October 17
I was in the washroom, washing my face before supper, when I heard someone sobbing in one of the toilet cubicles. There are four toilets against one wall. There’s a space below the door and I could see her feet. I asked her what was wrong. She didn’t answer. So I went into the toilet beside her and I stepped up on the toilet seat and peered over the wall. She was sitting with her hands over her face. It was Sandra, one of the Cree girls. She had scratches on her face. I asked what happened to her. She looked up and then opened the door and came out. I helped her wash her face.
She looked like someone punched her in the face too. She finally told me that her friend Angie had a boyfriend back home, who is now at the Residential School too. Sandra saw him outside after school and they started talking. Angie came out of the school and saw them and Angie just attacked her. I think Sandra’s going to have a black eye. I’m going to remember never to tangle with Angie.
Tuesday, October 18
I took a peek into the laundry room across from the dining room after supper today. The girls were there ironing the clothes. I don’t know which ones do the laundry, but the ones who were ironing were the Cree girls who used to bother me. I smiled and they smiled back at me.
I just realized that I have not seen Sandra.
Wednesday, October 19
We had meatloaf, carrots and mashed potatoes for supper, and when we were back in the dorm, one of the older girls said that the Supervisors, the Boss — that’s what everyone calls the Principal — and the other people who ran the place eat dif
ferent food than us. I wonder what they ate that was different. I really didn’t mind the food we got. I really don’t care. They can eat whatever they like I guess.
Thursday, October 20
Miss Lewis took me to the dentist this afternoon. We took the bus there and back.
She showed me the address of the dentist’s office, and that got me thinking, so I asked her how a city address worked. I only need to put “General Delivery” and the town when I write a letter to Mother and Grandma. That’s when she told me that all streets have different names and all the houses and buildings have numbers on them. So when we got to town, she showed me the street sign and then she made me find the building number. That was fun!
The dentist was nice and the filling wasn’t too bad. My lip was frozen on one side all afternoon. But, I was all right by suppertime. Miss Lewis was really nice to be with.
Friday, October 21
Sandra, the Cree girl, was back at her place at the dining-room table this evening. She still has a black eye. I don’t know where she was for the last couple of days. They don’t let us talk about anything, and no one tells us anything, so we don’t know anything about anything!
Saturday, October 22
I bought another sponge toffee from the man at the park this afternoon. This time I was by myself, so I got to eat it all by myself!
There was hardly anyone around at the park today. It was cold and windy. That candy man said something weird to me. He never says anything, but today he said if I came back at five o’clock, he would give me a free chocolate bar. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me, from my feet to my head. I did not like that look. I don’t think I will be going there again. I discovered a small corner store down the street before the Residential School. I can just run there on the way home. There was no one in the dorm when I got back.
I am going to write a letter to Jennie, I think. I will try to mail it whenever I find out where to send it. I’ll read my letters from Grandma and Mother first. I’m feeling very homesick.
Later
I’m sitting under the front window right now. I went to reach for my letters from Mother and Grandma, but they weren’t there! Someone has taken my letters! I had them on the top shelf of my locker, under some clothes. I’ve been crying since. Now, I won’t even see their handwriting anymore. It’s a good thing I copied the letters down here, but it’s still not the same.
Sunday, October 23
We all trooped to the Chapel this morning. It was very foggy. The boys were running around in the field until the Supervisor bellowed really loud and they all had to line up before moving toward the Chapel. The girls were giggling at them.
It’s evening now and I didn’t like supper too much. It was roast pork slices or something, and I did not like the taste. I ate all the food on my plate though. All the girls are watching Walt Disney, but it’s about an airplane and I got bored. I just finished my peanut-butter sandwich and apple juice. I’m pretending to do my homework.
I asked two girls in the bathroom if they lost their letters too, but they just looked at me and said nothing.
Monday, October 24
I woke up with a nightmare. I was dreaming that Mother and Grandma were walking away from me on the railroad track and I was yelling for them to wait for me and I ran and ran as fast as I could, but I could not get any closer and they wouldn’t even turn around to wait for me!
I got up and went to the window. It was early morning and still dark. I saw a bus go by on the main street. I was just silently crying when I saw someone coming up the long wide driveway between the tall, sad-looking trees. I realized that it was the cook. I see her in the kitchen sometimes when I am sweeping the floor after breakfast. She is tall and big, has a round face, and her blond hair is always in some elastic netting over her head. She talks with a strange accent, but she just goes about her business.
Tuesday, October 25
At lunchtime, Miss Tanner called me and told me not to go back to school after I swept the dining-room floor. She’s taking me to an eye doctor. She drove the Residential School car to the place. After she parked the car, she pointed to the street and I asked if I could find the building number. I was almost sure there was a little smile that quickly disappeared when she nodded. We walked down the street with the tall buildings and finally I spotted the number. We went up the steps and found the doctor’s name on one of the doors.
After waiting a while, I was called into the room. The doctor asked me to cover my left eye and then my right while trying to read the letters on the wall across the room. Then a machine was placed over my face and the doctor started clicking different lenses over my eyes. After reading rows of large letters to tiny ones, I was surprised when the words on the board across the room suddenly came sharply into focus! When I was done, Miss Tanner said I could only have basic frames. They are black with a slight curve at the end. That was fine with me!
When we got back, she told me to do my homework in the dorm or take a nap if I wanted. It was too late to go back to school. She was really nice to me today.
Wednesday, October 26
We were lining up this morning, before we entered the dining room for breakfast, when Miss Tanner told us that Laura had to go home. Her little brother had an accident and had died. That was all she said. We were all shocked. We murmured our breakfast prayer and entered the dining room. Then we said the thanks prayer afterwards. No one told us what happened to the little guy.
Thursday, October 27
There is a group of four Cree girls who are always together. They don’t bother anyone and I never paid much attention to them before. The leader is a girl with a pretty face. They are all from the same Reserve up north. The other three girls hover around her all the time and they even tie on her apron for her. They take off her shoes and put them on for her too. She just lifts one foot up and then the other. I hear that her father is a very important person on their Reserve. Everyone calls her Princess when she can’t hear them.
It is really funny to watch. Sometimes one of the other girls will say, “Look, look, here they come,” and they watch to see what Princess will do. The girls even try to do her chores for her, but they are not allowed. Miss Tanner caught them once and made Princess clean the whole washroom over again by herself.
Sunday, October 30
After lunch, one of the girls at the table was tilting her chair back and rocking it back and forth and she was making faces at another girl across the table, and I knew her chair was going to go over! Just then, she stuck out her tongue at the girl across the table and kicked her chair back and her chair went crashing down backwards! The Supervisor was on her in an instant, hauled her up and out of the dining room and straight to the office, we thought! I don’t remember seeing her at supper.
Monday, October 31
It is Halloween today. I have no idea what that means.
I am ashamed to ask what Halloween is. I would really look stupid!
We made some Halloween stuff at school. Orange paper pumpkins, leaves and stuff.
I don’t know why. I just have no idea what the pumpkins have to do with it. Maybe a pumpkin is like a Santa Claus?
We got some toffee candies wrapped in orange paper as a treat after supper.
We were just getting ready for bed when a girl screamed. We all turned to see a man’s face with a horrible mask on, through the window on the fire-escape door. There is a zigzag stairway on each floor outside the building. That’s where he came up from.
November 1966
Next morning
We heard that the boys’ two Supervisors chased the masked man off the property but did not catch him. He had disappeared into the bushes behind the building.
Thursday, November 3
I had a long cry this afternoon in the shower area. That was the only place that was empty. There are always people around and it is never quiet anywhere. Yet I feel so very alone. I haven’t seen Emma in a long time. I just want to go home!
I got a letter from Grandma. I held it to my chest a long time before I pulled the page out of the envelope.
I will forever copy every letter I get from now on. I still don’t know if it was the Supervisor or one of the girls who took my letters. I noticed that some of the girls got jealous if they did not get letters, and maybe it was one of them that took the letters for spite.
October 31, 1966
Dear Pynut,
It was good to hear from you. I’m glad you have good things to eat. Don’t get to like television too much, because you will miss it when you get home. Yes, the storms have been really bad in the last couple of weeks. I almost got caught in a snowstorm yesterday. It was hard to see in the thick snow. I was coming back from checking my rabbit snares off the railway rock cut. The snow covered my tracks and it was hard trying to find out where I was. I had a good laugh at myself. I should have known better than to go out when I could see the clouds coming. I did find the railroad tracks, though, and I was way off down the tracks about half a mile away from where my path was! That was my adventure for the day.