Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook
Page 8
Erect Chicken
Spread-Eagle Chicken
Safeword Fowl
Hog-Tied and Porked Chicken
Coquettish Croquettes
Chicken Under the Covers
Roast Me All Night Long Chicken
Backdoor Beer-Can Chicken
Flame-Licked Chick
Chicken Sub
Sexy Sliders
Chicken with Hearts and Flowers
Happy Ending Chicken
Come Hither Chicken
Oh, baby, I don’t need this,” I say.
My limbs are bound tight to my body, the trussing twine just tight enough to dig into my flesh without breaking the skin. Just how I’ve come to like it. What’s bothering me is the butter.
It glistens in the bowl he’s holding out to me, wafting the narcotic, deliciously indecent aroma of truffles. My pulse starts racing. Shit…How can he do this with just a smell?
“I need this,” he says with conviction.
Why? Why does he need these extravagant things? Does he feel inadequate? Am I inadequate? Why spend so much?
“No, Shifty,” I say, “you don’t. I’m your Specialty now, you’ve made me yours. You don’t have to keep proving yourself. I’m the luckiest Ingredient in the world.”
“No, Chicken, I’m a lucky cook. You’ve changed the way I do absolutely everything. But now that you’re my Specialty, you’ll just have to get used to some minor luxuries like this. Besides,” he continues, “it counts as an advanced technique.”
As he talks I continue to fall under the exotic spell of the truffles. His heated gaze makes my juices start to run clear. At this point I can think of nothing but my need to be slathered in that butter.
Oh, well then, as long as it’s an advanced technique…
roasted chicken with truffle butter
SERVES 4
1 (3- to 3½-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels
1½ teaspoons coarse kosher salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 tablespoon safflower or canola oil
2 tablespoons white or black truffle butter
Chopped fresh chives, for serving
Mashed potatoes, for serving (optional)
1 Preheat the oven to 375°F. Massage the chicken all over with salt and pepper, remembering to pay special attention to her cavity. Using butchers’ twine, truss her up nice and tight, following the directions. The tighter, the better.
2 Heat an ovenproof skillet over medium heat, then add the oil and let heat for 20 seconds. Lay the chicken in the pan on her side and let brown for 5 minutes, adjusting the heat as necessary so she doesn’t burn. Flip and repeat on the other side.
3 Lay the chicken on her back, transfer to the oven, and roast her for 20 minutes. Add the truffle butter to the pan and continue to roast, basting with the fragrant butter, until her thigh juices run clear and she is enticingly golden all over, about 25 to 35 minutes longer. The more you baste, the more succulent she will be. Serve with the pan juices and the chives, over mashed potatoes if you like.
LEARNING THE ROPES
If you can’t find truffle butter with which to lavish your bird, use regular butter. After cooking, if you like, slowly drizzle her with truffle oil. Or leave her as she is, juicy and golden.
butterflied roasted chicken with herb and almond pesto
Spatchcocked Chicken
Holy shit, he’s wearing that apron, and he’s reaching into the back of the toy drawer.
I want it, oh yes. And he wants me. I get it now. The hungry look on his face, the growling of his stomach like I was the last amuse bouche on earth. But this—I don’t know if I can do what the recipe demands. Yet, this is what he does—he hurts food to make it taste good. This is what I signed on for. If I want my Shifty Blades, I have to be ready for anything.
“I want it,” I say. I belong to you.
He turns me over so I can’t see what he’s doing.
“I’m going to spread you out. I’m going to open you up. I’m going to take you places you never knew existed.” I can feel his manic anticipation.
His skilled hands have me completely at his mercy. As he opens me up a shock ripples through me, and it’s a sweet, strange, voluptuous feeling. He lays me breast-up on the pan, flatter than poultry should be. This is unnatural, it can’t possibly be as pleasurable as it is. But the warmth of the pan penetrates me so evenly. I feel melty, juicy, exquisitely yummy.
Now I know why they call it spatchcocking.
butterflied roasted chicken with herb and almond pesto
SERVES 2 TO 4
1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry
1½ teaspoons coarse kosher salt, plus a large, firm pinch
4 scallions, white and green parts roughly chopped
1 cup roughly chopped tender fresh herbs, such as a combination of dill, basil, flat-leaf parsley, and cilantro
½ cup sliced almonds
¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for the roasting pan
2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
1 garlic clove, chopped
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Lemon halves, for serving (optional)
1 Using large, strong kitchen shears and a confident hand, forcefully cut the backbone out of the chicken; first cut along one side of the backbone, then cut along the other side until it releases, then pull it out. Gently spread the bird open, pressing down on the breast to flatten it (see Learning the Ropes). Massage the flesh with 1½ teaspoons of salt.
2 Whirl the scallions, herbs, almonds, oil, lemon juice, garlic, and pepper together in the blender until quite smooth and luscious. Taste and season with a large pinch of salt. Smear the pesto all over the bird. Cover and refrigerate for at least 4 hours and preferably overnight.
3 Preheat the oven to 450°F. Spread the bird flat, breasts up, in an oiled roasting pan. Roast until golden and succulent, 40 to 50 minutes. Let rest for 10 minutes, then have your way with her, squeezing on lemon juice if she needs a tang.
LEARNING THE ROPES
If you’re dealing with a novice bird, have your butcher butterfly your chicken for you. He or she will be happy to oblige.
vertical roasted chicken with spicy tomato potatoes
Erect Chicken
I’m eyeing the black bowl, with its startling black prong. My inner goddess’s eyes are bugging out of her head. Even she’s unsure. Jeez, I could never…
“How does that work?” I ask, fascinated.
“The vertical roaster? It holds you up while I cook you. Do you want me to show you?”
“Yes. I’d like a home demonstration.”
“Very well, Miss Hen. You are, as ever, highly unpredictable.”
He starts with an unhurried massage across my breast and legs, his hands traveling my body until they reach the apex between my thighs.
“You are a daring and beautiful bird,” he continues. “I’m going to put this inside you now. Are you ready?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
He hoists me up over the bowl and lowers me slowly onto the upright prong. I gasp as its majestic length fills me, holding me tightly in position. The sensation is excruciating and exquisite. Am I really ready for this?
“This will be intense, because you’ll be unable to shift as I cook you.” He reaches down to bind my feet with a length of twine. I am utterly immobilized. Just before he delivers me to the tender mercies of the oven, I feel him scatter some objects at my feet. Stuck as I am, I can’t tell what they are.
“Taters, baby,” he says, with his uncanny way of reading my mind.
I hardly hear him as the oven heat takes possession of my flesh. I stiffen a little and my legs pull almost painfully against the twine, but I hardly notice. This is the most agonizing, exquisite feeling. My juices surge as flavor detonates up and down my body.
He pulls me off of the device, frees my ankles, and lays me gently on the bed of potatoes. My legs unbend a little and
my juices flow over my golden, glowing skin.
That was, without a doubt, the most intensely juicy finish we’ve ever achieved together. Hmm, the upright roaster…
Note to self: explore the toy drawer more often.
vertical roasted chicken with spicy tomato potatoes
SERVES 4
1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels
2¼ teaspoons coarse kosher salt
¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1½ pounds Yukon Gold or russet potatoes, cut into 1-inch dice
2 tablespoons tomato paste
1 teaspoon ground cumin
½ teaspoon hot chili powder
¼ teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg
1 Preheat the oven to 425°F. Massage the chicken all over, including the cavity, with 1½ teaspoons of the salt and the pepper. Rub a tablespoon of the oil all over the chicken’s skin.
2 Position the chicken’s nether parts over the vertical roaster’s erect member and thrust the bird down. Tuck her wing tips up behind her wings, behind her body. Tie her legs together with a piece of butcher’s twine or cooking bands (see Learning the Ropes). If the vertical roaster is too small to hold all the potatoes in the bottom, place the roaster and potatoes in a 9 × 13-inch baking pan.
3 In a bowl, toss together the potatoes, tomato paste, cumin, chili powder, nutmeg, the remaining 2 table-spoons oil, and the remaining ¾ teaspoon salt. Scatter the potatoes on the bottom of the pan around the chicken.
4 Roast for 30 minutes, then stir and baste the potatoes with some of the rendered chicken fat at the bottom of the pan. Continue to roast until the skin is golden and the thigh juices run clear when pricked with a knife, 10 to 20 minutes longer. The potatoes should be soft. Let the chicken rest for 10 minutes before serving.
LEARNING THE ROPES
Cooking bands, which look like colorful rubber bands, are reusable and can withstand the heat of your oven. Use them in place of twine to tie up your chicken’s legs if she’s in the mood to flash a little color or if you don’t want to use twine.
skillet-roasted chicken with golden onions and lemon
Spread-Eagle Chicken
You seem a little on edge.” he says.
On edge? Me? I can’t help but squirm after the stretching he gave me last night with the upright roaster. My inner goddess is stuck in pigeon pose as she attempts a yoga routine.
“Let me relax you,” he continues in a low voice. “Take a deep breath, Chicken. Think of a waterfall.” He positions me on my back on a cutting mat, in a neutral position. He grasps one of his many blades and traces a gentle line, drawing the tip toward the apex of my thighs, down there. I feel vulnerable and eager as my legs loosen. His expert hands do the rest, coaxing my legs wider, wider, until they slacken and drop to the mat. I am indecently splayed, yet so blissed out I scarcely register his fingers sliding into me, until I feel a deep clenching where he’s inserted half a lemon. Oooooh.
“You look beautiful like this, Chicken. I must take a moment to enjoy the view.” The hunger in his voice makes my body hum with endorphins and a dark feeling I’m afraid to name. In my fading consciousness I see my inner goddess arching into something like a slutty upward-facing bow. Inner peace is clearly not what’s on her mind.
“Now—” he says quietly, “let’s kick it up a notch.” He fiddles with the stereo remote and abruptly cranks up some throbbing hip-hop, jolting me awake. With an oven mitt he pulls a hot, heavy skillet from the Wolf. Wow, I can feel its torridness as he brings it closer—it’s not just hot, it’s solar. “Drop It Like It’s Hot” thumps out of the kitchen speakers like a tendering mallet. But I’m still too limp to do anything but moan softly.
“Oh, Chicken, you’re so ready,” he yells over the noise.
He slips me into the oven and cooks me ardently and fast. Somehow, despite the conflagration around me, a tiny, unnoticed drop of calm expands inside me, filling me as relentlessly as the citrus did before. As the heat and thudding bass line crisp every inch of my outside, a juicy serenity swells within. Holy shit … it’s intense … and deep … the music … my juices are building so quickly… It’s as if all the toys and techniques we’ve ever used were only leading me step-by-step to this poultry nirvana. The crispiness and juiciness come together at exactly the same time, and every part of my body finishes in unison. Ahhhhh.
My inner goddess, languid and wet in corpse pose, wears a beatific smile. Om shanti shanti shanti.
skillet-roasted chicken with golden onions and lemon
SERVES 4
1 (4- to 4½-pound) whole chicken, patted dry with paper towels
2 teaspoons coarse kosher salt
½ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 lemon, quartered
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 onion, thinly sliced
1 Firmly rub the chicken inside and out with salt and pepper, paying special attention to the cavity. Let it rest uncovered at room temperature while the oven preheats.
2 Place a large cast-iron or other heavy ovenproof skillet in the oven and let it preheat at 450°F for 45 minutes.
3 Transfer the chicken to a cutting board. Using a sharp knife, cut the skin connecting her legs to the rest of the body. Use your hands to spread open the thighs until you feel the joint pop. Place 2 of the lemon wedges inside the chicken.
4 Carefully transfer the chicken, breast side up, to the hot skillet. (Use oven mitts whenever handling the pan.)Press down on the legs so they rest flat on the bottom of the pan. Drizzle the bird with the oil. Roast for 25 minutes. Toss the onion slices into the bottom of the skillet. Stir to coat with the pan juices. Roast for 10 more minutes; stir again. Continue cooking until the onions are tender and the chicken’s thigh juices run clear, 5 to 15 minutes more (for a total cooking time of 40 minutes to 1 hour).
5 Serve the chicken with the pan juices and onions, seasoning everything with juice from the remaining lemon wedges, if desired.
Safeword Fowl
What I’m about to do to you will be very intense. I’m counting on you to guide me. What are the safewords, Chicken?”
“Golden,” I mumble, “if I’m approaching doneness.”
“And?” he prods, making his eyes hard.
“Black, if I’m in danger of drying out.”
“Good.” He flips on the Wolf and starts to rub my breast with salt and pepper. My skin comes alive as his hand travels down my sternum, down there. He slips two deft fingers inside me, tracing circles with tantalizing slowness. I flinch as he pushes something smooth and bulbous into me. Oh my.
“Garlic cloves,” he breathes. “And herbs. They’ll make your finish more powerful.”
He lays me forward on a roasting rack, leaving my most vulnerable part exposed and throbbing, then thrusts me into the wild heat of the Wolf. The heat works me fast and hard, bringing me to the edge. My insides pulse and tense, but just as my juices start to flow freely, he lowers the heat. Holy shit, he’s teasing me.
He pulls me out and I can hear the rip of the foil. He flips me roughly onto my back, jarring and thrilling every part of me. Then he covers me in a sheet of foil and turns his back. How long is he going to make me wait?
Finally he comes back, a little smile quirked up on his lips, his breathing ragged.
“Do you have any idea how delicious you are?” he pants.
“Finish me,” I manage to gasp out in a low, heated voice.
He pushes me onto the rack and throws me back into the oven’s high heat. Deep inside me the cloves pulse and I clench around them involuntarily. My skin crisps as hot juices pound through my body. Gah!
“Golden!” I scream, “Golden! Golden!”
roasted chicken with tomatoes, garlic, and tarragon
SERVES 4
1 (3½- to 4-pound) chicken, patted dry with paper towels
1½ teaspoons coarse kosher salt, plus more to taste
&nbs
p; ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, plus more to taste
1 bunch of fresh tarragon, leaves chopped, stems reserved
5 smashed and peeled garlic cloves
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened, plus 2½ tablespoons cubed
1 large cut ripe tomato, diced into 1-inch cubes
½ cup low-sodium chicken broth or water
¼ cup dry white wine
2 tablespoons tarragon or white wine vinegar
1 Preheat the oven to 500°F. Massage the bird all over with salt and pepper, including inside the cavity. Stuff the chicken with the tarragon stems and garlic. Rub the chicken with 2 tablespoons of softened butter, sprinkle with 2 teaspoons of chopped tarragon, and season generously with more salt and pepper.
2 Lay the chicken breast side down on a rack in a flame-proof roasting pan, and roast for 20 minutes. Reduce the temperature to 325°F. Thrust a wooden spoon into the cavity of the bird and flip it over so it’s breast side up. Continue to cook for another 25 minutes. Transfer the chicken to a plate, cover loosely with foil, and set aside. Turn the oven back up to 500°F.
3 Take the roasting rack out of the pan and set it aside. Place the roasting pan on top of the stove over medium-high heat. Add the tomatoes, chicken broth or water, wine, tarragon vinegar, and 2 tablespoons of the chopped tarragon; bring to a boil. Use a wooden spoon to scrape the bottom and sides of the pan, loosening the caramelized juices. Let boil until the mixture is thickened and saucy, 5 to 8 minutes.
4 Whisk the remaining 2½ tablespoons of butter into the sauce. Place the roasting rack back in the pan and put the chicken back on the rack, breast side up. Pour any juices that have collected on the plate into the pan. Return the pan to the oven for 10 to 15 minutes, basting every 5 minutes, until the thigh juices run clear. Serve the chicken blanketed with the sauce and garnished with more of the tarragon.
Hog-Tied and Porked Chicken
I’m sitting with the formerly enormous ham next to the Wolf. She takes in the stainless surfaces and the thick hobs.