Fifty Shades of Chicken: A Parody in a Cookbook

by F. L. Fowler

  I start prepping out some herbs, but the blush on that chicken keeps drawing my eye, almost as if it were pulsing. Nobody’s making great art with chicken, but it might be fun to play around. Which knife, I wonder? The santoku would certainly bring her to heel. But the vintage carbon-steel French chef’s knife would be more pleasurable. Or the steely discipline of the Wüsthof? That rack truly holds a knife for my every mood.

  “Yes, quite a collection,” I say aloud. It suddenly occurs to me that this beautiful chicken is like a virgin block of marble, just waiting for a sculptor’s tools to elevate it above the everyday. This bird’s delicious, glowing shade of pink seems to want to prove to me that a real artist, one with finesse, technique, and a good knife, could make a transcendent chicken.

  “I couldn’t agree more,” I mumble to myself, impressed by my own idea. I count my knives to calm myself. “Fifty blades, to be precise. This kitchen is my domain. I need to have complete control when I prep.”

  I realize I’ve been talking to myself, so I may as well talk to the chicken. I remember Julia used to do that on her show. My television babysitter as a child. I remember the constant smell of Tater Tots. Fucking hell.

  I don’t want to repeat the whole radish experience. Am I ready to take on a new Ingredient, something as humdrum as chicken? How do you finesse chicken? I groan inwardly at all the possibilities this presents. Well, getting there is going to be half the fun.

  “It’s all about finesse, Miss Hen.” Christ, I’m lecturing a fucking chicken. “I have enormous respect for food. To derive deep satisfaction from the mundane: tournéing a radish, cutting a potato, portioning a syllabub. These form the foundation of what I do.”

  A syllabub? I might be losing my marbles. But the chicken draws me onward with her ravishing skin. Everything about this humble, exquisite bird points to how the ordinary can be raised to the extraordinary. Through the disheveled plastic I can make out the curve of her perfect breast.

  And there you have it. I have to come up with fifty recipes by next month, I’m talking to a chicken, and I have a hard-on.

  Taters, Baby

  Rival Radish Salad

  Beaten Chocolate Foam

  Hot Bird Cocktail

  Taters, Baby

  crispy roasted potatoes with garlic and thyme

  SERVES 4

  Kosher salt

  1½ pounds small Yukon Gold potatoes

  6 garlic cloves, smashed but not peeled

  3 tablespoons chicken fat, olive oil, or peanut oil

  Freshly ground black pepper

  6 thyme sprigs

  1 Bring a pot of heavily salted water to a boil and cook the potatoes until just tender, 15 to 25 minutes depending upon how big they are. Drain and let cool.

  2 Preheat the oven to 425°F. Use your hands to lightly smash the potatoes. Toss the potatoes and garlic with the chicken fat or oil and spread out on a rimmed baking sheet. Season with more salt and pepper and top with the thyme sprigs. Roast until golden brown all over, 35 to 45 minutes. Serve with chicken.

  Rival Radish Salad

  radish salad with cucumbers, sesame, and ginger

  SERVES 4

  3 cups thinly sliced radishes (from 1 bunch)

  2 tablespoons finely chopped chives

  4 teaspoons sesame oil

  2 teaspoons fresh lemon juice

  1½ teaspoons grated ginger

  ¾ teaspoon kosher salt

  3 Kirby cucumbers, thinly sliced

  1 teaspoon soy sauce

  1 Combine the radishes, chives, sesame oil, lemon juice, ginger, and salt in a small bowl and toss to combine. Let stand 5 minutes. In a separate bowl, toss the cucumbers and soy sauce.

  2 Mound the radishes in the center of a large platter and place the cucumbers all around. Serve.

  Beaten Chocolate Foam

  bittersweet chocolate sabayon

  SERVES 2 TO 4

  ¼ cup sugar

  ⅓ cup ruby port

  4 egg yolks

  2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder

  Pinch of fine sea salt

  Fresh raspberries, for serving

  1 Bring a medium pot filled halfway with water to a simmer. In a heatproof bowl large enough to sit over (but not touch) the water, whisk together the sugar, port, egg yolks, cocoa, and salt.

  2 Set the bowl over the simmering water and whisk constantly until the mixture is thick, foamy, and tripled in volume, about 5 minutes.

  3 Fill serving dishes with berries and immediately spoon the sabayon over the top.

  Hot Bird Cocktail

  bourbon with rosemary syrup and lemon

  SERVES 1

  2 ounces bourbon, preferably 100-proof, such as Wild Turkey or Fighting Cock

  1 teaspoon Rosemary Simple Syrup (see box)

  Splash of Old Speckled Hen ale

  Twist of lemon

  Rosemary sprig, for garnish

  Stir the bourbon and syrup with ice. Strain into a chilled rocks glass and add a splash of ale. Rub the rim of a glass with a lemon twist. Garnish with the twist and a rosemary sprig, or, optionally, a clean roasted chicken bone.

  ROSEMARY SIMPLE SYRUP

  In a small saucepan, heat ½ cup of sugar with ½ cup water and 2 tablespoons of roughly chopped rosemary needles. Simmer for 5 minutes, until the syrup thickens and the sugar dissolves. Let cool. Store in the refrigerator.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  THANK YOU to all the people who made this book possible.

  First and foremost, many thanks to the Poultry Posse at Clarkson Potter: Doris Cooper, Erica Gelbard, Carly Gorga, Stephanie Huntwork, Pam Krauss, Donna Passannante, Jane Treuhaft, and Kate Tyler.

  Thanks to the photography team responsible for the food porn—photographer and chicken wrangler John von Pamer and chicken stylist Michelli Knauer.

  Thanks to Luke Guldan and Chris Roth for fab abs.

  Finally, thank you to my understanding spouse, who claimed not to mind eating chicken every night for weeks, and put up with the endless “why did the chicken cross the road” jokes. (One answer: there was a racy cookbook on the other side.)

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  FL FOWLER is a pseudonym.

  INDEX

  Almond and Herb Pesto, Butterflied Roasted Chicken with, photo, 3.2

  Apples and Cinnamon, Roasted Chicken Thighs with

  Apricot Jam, Sage, and Lemon Zest, Baked Chicken with, 1.1, photo

  Avocado

  Hearts of Palm, and Orange Salsa, Roasted Chicken with, 3.1, photo

  Jalepeño Chicken Wings with

  Bacon

  Maple-Glazed Wings with, 2.1, photo

  and Sweet Paprika, Roasted Chicken with, photo, 1.2

  Barbecued Chicken Sandwiches

  Basil, Fresh, Mustard, and Garlic, Roasted Chicken with, photo, 1.2

  Beans

  Chicken Chili, photo, 1.2

  Roasted Chicken with Harissa, Preserved Lemons, Chickpeas, and Mint

  Beaten Chocolate Foam

  Beer-Can Chicken, Grilled, with Cajun Mayonnaise

  Bourbon

  and Brown Sugar, Chicken Fingers with, photo, 2.2

  with Rosemary Syrup and Lemon

  Brandy-Vanilla Butter, Roasted Chicken with, photo, 1.2

  Brown Sugar and Bourbon, Chicken Fingers with, photo, 2.2

  Carrots, Celery, and Onion, Roasted Chicken with

  Cashews and Coconut Curry, Crispy Chicken Tenders with, 2.1, photo

  Cheese

  Chicken Submarine Sandwiches with Mozzarella, 3.1, photo

  Crunchy Chicken Parmesan Croquettes, 3.1, photo

  Cherries and Herbs, Roasted Chicken with, 1.1, photo

  Chicken (breasts)

  Chicken Strip Tease

  Chicken Sub, 3.1, photo

  Extra-Virgin Breasts

  Flattered Breasts

  Go Get the Butter Breasts, 2.1, photo

  Pound Me Tender, 2.1, photo

  Steamy White Meat, 2.1, photo

&
nbsp; Sticky Fingers, photo, 2.2

  Chicken (cooked)

  Chicken Under the Covers, photo, 3.2

  Coquettish Croquettes, 3.1, photo

  Hashing It Out the Morning After, 2.1, photo

  Inner Green Goddess Chicken Salad, 2.1, photo

  Pulled Pullet

  Chicken (cut-up pieces)

  Blushing Parts, 2.1, photo

  Chile-Lashed Fricassee, 1.1, photo

  Cock au Vin

  Cream-Slicked Chick

  Flame-Licked Chick

  Jealous Chicken, 2.1, photo

  Jerked-Around Chicken

  Please Don’t Stop Chicken, 1.1, photo

  Totally Fried Chicken, 1.1, photo

  Chicken (ground)

  Sexy Sliders, photo, 3.2

  Spicy Fowl, photo, 1.2

  Chicken (legs)

  Holy Mole Chicken

  Chicken (livers)

  Whipped Livers

  Chicken (thighs)

  Chicken Thighs, Stirred Up and Fried Hard, 2.1, photo

  Dripping Thighs, 2.1, photo

  Red Cheeks

  Skewered Chicken, photo, 2.2

  Thighs Spread Wide

  Chicken (whole)

  Backdoor Beer-Can Chicken

  Basted Bird

  Chicken with a Lardon, photo, 1.2

  Chicken with Hearts and Flowers, 3.1, photo

  Come Hither Chicken

  Erect Chicken, photo, 3.2

  Happy Ending Chicken, photo, 3.2

  Hog-Tied and Porked Chicken

  Hot Rubbed Chicken

  Learning to Truss You, 1.1, photo

  Mustard-Spanked Chicken, photo, 1.2

  Plain Vanilla Chicken, photo, 1.2

  Popped-Cherry Pullet, 1.1, photo

  Roast Me All Night Long Chicken

  Safeword Fowl

  Spatchcocked Chicken, photo, 3.2

  Spread-Eagle Chicken, photo, 3.2

  Chicken (wings)

  Bacon-Bound Wings, 2.1, photo

  Holy Hell Wings

  Chili, Chicken, photo, 1.2

  Chilies

  Chicken Chili, photo, 1.2

  Jalepeño Chicken Wings with Avocado

  Roasted Chicken Legs with Mole Sauce

  Spices, Rum, and Lime, Marinated Chicken with

  Chocolate

  Bittersweet, Sabayon

  Roasted Chicken Legs with Mole Sauce

  Chorizo Stuffing, Trussed Roasted Chicken with

  Coconut Curry and Cashews, Crispy Chicken Tenders with, 2.1, photo

  Cranberry Baked Chicken with Apple Cider, 2.1, photo

  Croquettes, Crunchy Chicken Parmesan, 3.1, photo

  Crostini, Chicken Liver

  Cucumbers, Sesame, and Ginger, Radish Salad with

  Fried Chicken, Crispy, 1.1, photo

  Garlic

  Olives, and Wine, Sautéed Chicken Breasts with

  and Thyme, Crispy Roasted Potatoes with

  Tomatoes, and Tarragon, Roasted Chicken with

  Ginger and Soy Sauce, Glazed Chicken Skewers with, photo, 2.2

  Harissa, Preserved Lemons, Chickpeas, and Mint, Roasted Chicken with

  Hash, Chicken, with Sweet Potatoes, 2.1, photo

  Hazelnuts and Aromatic Brown Butter, Sautéed Chicken Breasts with, 2.1, photo

  Hearts of Palm, Avocado, and Orange Salsa, Roasted Chicken with, 3.1, photo

  Herb(s). See also specific herbs

  and Almond Pesto, Butterflied Roasted Chicken with, photo, 3.2

  Butter, Classic Roast Chicken with, photo, 3.2

  and Horseradish, Chicken with, 2.1, photo

  Honey Mustard and Lime, Crisp Baked Chicken with

  Horseradish and Herbs, Chicken with, 2.1, photo

  Hot Bird Cocktail

  Lemon(s)

  and Golden Onions, Skillet-Roasted Chicken with, photo, 3.2

  Olive Oil, and Rosemary, Roasted Bone-In Breasts with

  Preserved, Harissa, Chickpeas, and Mint, Roasted Chicken with

  Maple-Glazed Wings with Bacon, 2.1, photo

  Mole Sauce, Roasted Chicken Legs with

  Mushrooms

  Red Wine, and Onions, Braised Chicken with

  Roasted Chicken Thighs with

  Mustard, Fresh Basil, and Garlic, Roasted Chicken with, photo, 1.2

  Olives, Garlic, and Wine, Sautéed Chicken Breasts with

  Onions

  Golden, and Lemon, Skillet-Roasted Chicken with, photo, 3.2

  Red Wine, and Mushrooms, Braised Chicken with

  Sweet-and-Sour, Roasted Chicken Thighs with, 2.1, photo

  Orange, Hearts of Palm, and Avocado Salsa, Roasted Chicken with, 3.1, photo

  Peanuts

  Roasted Chicken Legs with Mole Sauce

  and Spinach, Stir-Fried Chicken with, 2.1, photo

  Peppers. See also Chilies

  Sweet, Prosciutto, and Tomatoes, Chicken Fricasse with, 1.1, photo

  Potatoes

  Crispy Roasted, with Garlic and Thyme

  Spicy Tomato, Vertical Roasted Chicken with, photo, 3.2

  Sweet, Chicken Hash with, 2.1, photo

  Pot Pie, Creamy Chicken, photo, 3.2

  Prosciutto, Tomatoes, and Sweet Peppers, Chicken Fricasse with, 1.1, photo

  Radish Salad with Cucumbers, Sesame, and Ginger

  Rival Radish Salad

  Rosemary

  and Balsamic, Chicken Breast Strips with

  Olive Oil, and Lemon, Roasted Bone-In Breasts with

  Syrup and Lemon, Bourbon with

  Rum, Spices, Chilies, and Lime, Marinated Chicken with

  Sabayon, Bittersweet Chocolate

  Salads

  Chicken, with Green Goddess Dressing, 2.1, photo

  Radish, with Cucumbers, Sesame, and Ginger

  Sandwiches

  Barbecued Chicken

  Chicken Sliders with Thai Flavors and Sriracha Mayonnaise, photo, 3.2

  Chicken Submarine, with Mozzarella, 3.1, photo

  Scallions and Sesame Oil, White Wine–Steamed Chicken Breasts with, 2.1, photo

  Slow-Roasted Chicken

  Soy Sauce and Ginger, Glazed Chicken Skewers with, photo, 2.2

  Spinach and Peanuts, Stir-Fried Chicken with, 2.1, photo

  Sweet Potatoes, Chicken Hash with, 2.1, photo

  Tandoori Spices, Grilled Chicken with

  Tangerine and Sage, Roasted Chicken with, 1.1, photo

  Taters, Baby

  Thai Flavors and Sriracha Mayonnaise, Chicken Sliders with, photo, 3.2

  Tomatoes

  Chicken Submarine Sandwiches with Mozzarella, 3.1, photo

  Garlic, and Tarragon, Roasted Chicken with

  Prosciutto, and Sweet Peppers, Chicken Fricasse with, 1.1, photo

  Truffle Butter, Roasted Chicken with

  Wine

  Garlic, and Olives, Sautéed Chicken Breasts with

  Red, Mushrooms, and Onions, Braised Chicken with

  White, –Steamed Chicken Breasts with Sesame Oil and Scallions, 2.1, photo