The Secret Life of Sarah Hollenbeck

by Bethany Turner

  “We’ve got to do this right, Ben. We’ve got to.” I was so uncomfortable with sex talk that I thought I might just pass out from embarrassment if I had to say too much. And yes, I know that must sound ridiculous. But Alex and Annie’s sex life is entirely different from mine, and Patrick and I had certainly never communicated openly—about sex or anything else. But I knew I could say anything to Ben and never be judged or laughed at. “I want to make love to you—so much,” I whispered as he lifted his hands to my face and gently caressed my blushing cheeks. “That—what just happened—that was the most unbelievably sexy, fantastic, perfect thing I have ever experienced. And knowing that is just a small, tiny, minuscule glimpse of what’s to come . . . that’s paralyzing to think about, Ben. I don’t want us to set ourselves up to regret even one moment of it. I want us to be able to look back on it for the rest of our lives as the most erotic, but also somehow the most pure, experience of our lives.”

  He took a deep breath. “Okay, well, I have to be honest. That didn’t help get the heart rate back to normal.” He smiled and I blushed again. “But, surprisingly, that wasn’t what I meant. I mean, why am I wasting a single moment just dating you, acting like we’re just going to see where it goes, when all I want is to start looking toward forever with you? We both know that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. We may still have lots to figure out in life, but we know where this is headed, Sarah. God’s made it perfectly clear, I think. I’m so in love with you I can’t see straight. I can’t imagine any aspect of my life without you in it, and I don’t want to. Ever. So what are we waiting on?”

  My mind was telling me to slow things down. It was telling me that it might not be the best idea to have such a serious conversation on the front porch of his parents’ house with Laura and her secret-ingredient deviled eggs inside. And it was telling me that the dinner rolls we brought only needed to be warmed at 350 degrees for seven minutes, so we didn’t have much time left. But the world was swirling around me, and everything was Ben. I knew what he was saying and I tried to argue with him, at least in my head. I tried to plan out a valid argument, but nothing was sticking. Of course it seemed too soon to talk about forever, but why? It was too soon according to common practices and what others would think was acceptable. And you could say we still didn’t know each other well enough yet, but I didn’t care about that one. Also his mother wouldn’t approve, but he didn’t seem to care about that. But then I finally landed on an argument that I thought could stick.

  “Ben, I love you. You know that,” I stated matter-of-factly.

  He smiled another resistance-melting smile. “Do I? Or, do you, I guess I should say?”

  After saying it so prematurely, I’d been very careful not to let it slip again. As a result, I guess I’d been holding on to it a little too tightly. “I do. So freaking much!” I shouted through ecstatic giggles.

  He laughed and picked me up and swung me around and kissed me and then said, with his lips two inches from mine, “Marry me, Sarah.”

  Oh boy, he was difficult to resist, not that I wanted to resist anyway. I prepared to throw my one argument out there, knowing I should say it just in case it was credible.

  “What if we’re rushing into marriage just because we desperately want to have sex?” Apparently I wasn’t as self-conscious as I had been a few short minutes prior.

  His eyes locked with mine, and the pleased and mischievous expression on his face told me he was confident he was about to win against my weak, halfhearted argument.

  “First Corinthians 7:8–9: ‘Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.’”

  Joy filled every part of me. I knew he didn’t want to marry me because he was burning with passion, but it was nice to know he was feeling that way just the same.

  “Bible nerd.” I smiled.

  He returned my smile, and then he grabbed my left hand, which wouldn’t be deprived much longer, and got down on one knee. My smile widened and the tears fell. And then the door opened.

  “Hey, Ben, I really think you should get in here. Your mother—” His dad cleared his throat awkwardly, with none of the composure he had surprisingly possessed during his last interruption. “Oh shoot. Sorry, son.”

  I couldn’t help but giggle as Ben winked at me and then called out behind him, over his shoulder, “Yeah, thanks, Dad. Maybe give us just another minute?”

  “Of course. Sure thing. Sure thing,” he said, but he didn’t move.

  I couldn’t stop giggling as I faced my future father-in-law, whom I’d still technically not met.

  “Is he still there?” Ben whispered through clenched teeth.

  I nodded, touched by the devotion and love in his dad’s eyes.

  “Umm, Dad—”

  I looked down at Ben, kneeling before me, and placed my hand on his cheek and winked before looking back at Nate. Ben wasn’t seeing what I was seeing, and from what he’d told me about life growing up with Nate as his loving but stoic father, it was possible he’d never seen what I was seeing.

  “I love your son, Nate.” I smiled as tears pooled in my eyes. “More than I’ve ever loved anyone. And I cannot wait to be a part of your family. I’m pretty sure we’re about to take a step in that direction.” I laughed through the joyous tears. “So maybe if you don’t mind giving us just a few more minutes . . .”

  Nate cleared his throat awkwardly again. “Yes, ma’am.”

  I returned my attention to Ben as the screen door opened and closed.

  Ben seemed to be at a loss for words for a brief moment before taking a deep breath and finally opening his mouth to speak again.

  “Hang on,” I whispered before glancing up at the door, where Nate still stood on the other side of the screen. He was silently, but wildly, gesturing.

  “Joanna,” he finally called out in a voice I’m sure he thought was quiet. “Jo! Come here.”

  Ben groaned, twisting his neck to look back at the door. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. I mean, what else was there to do?

  “What is it?” we heard Joanna say as she approached the door. “Are Ben and Sarah ever coming in or—oh my goodness! Is he . . . ? Are they . . . ?”

  “Yes,” Nate said. “Now be quiet so he can get on with it.”

  Ben looked back to me in disbelief. “Are they really just standing there?”

  “They are.” I sighed. “But if it’s any consolation, your dad’s just kind of peeking through the door from the side.”

  “Oh yeah, that’s much better.” He smirked. “Hey, guys, um . . .”

  “He just met her! He’s really doing this now?” Joanna asked Nate, with no subtlety whatsoever. “Should I turn off the oven? The apple pie only has about two more minutes, and I don’t want it to burn.”

  “Be quiet, Jo,” Nate said in what he seemed to think was a whisper, endearing himself to me even more.

  “Did he introduce you?” she whispered to her annoyed husband, and I erupted into giggles once more. “Shouldn’t we at least officially meet her before—”

  Ben groaned and then called over his shoulder, “Mom, Dad, this is Sarah. Sarah, these are my parents. Now, if it’s okay with everyone, I have a question I’d really like to ask her.”

  “It’s very nice to meet you both.” I laughed, and then I looked back at Ben and all of the humor was gone, replaced by determination and absolute resolve.

  “This somehow doesn’t seem as romantic as it did when I started,” he whispered.

  “Oh, don’t be silly, Ben. This was never romantic. But if you still want to ask the question, you have about two minutes until the apple pie is done.”

  He chuckled as he put my hand to his lips and kissed it. “Sarah Hollenbeck, I am mesmerized by you. Absolutely enchanted. And I could make a speech, and I could tell you all the reason
s I’m sure about us,” he said, so softly. Though his parents were clearly determined to watch closely, the quiet, gentle nature of Ben’s voice made it clear he spoke only to me. “But I think we both know no words will ever be enough. And I’ll never get enough of you. And you make me want to sing, and I’m a horrible singer.” The happiness burst out of me as delighted laughter. “I don’t know why it is, but every time I leave you, I’m singing for hours. It’s like there is just so much joy inside of me that it has to break free somehow. Much to Maddie’s chagrin, it breaks free in song.” He smiled and looked quickly over his shoulder. “Is my mother having spasms, trying not to miss anything?”

  I sniffed as I chuckled. “Yeah. Pretty much.”

  He sighed. “I guess I should get on with it.”

  “If not for their sake then for mine!” I laughed.

  And once again the humor was gone as his eyes communicated everything that didn’t need to be said. “Sarah, will you marry me?”

  I couldn’t stand another moment not being in his arms, so I knelt on the porch with him and only had time to whisper “yes” before his lips were on mine once more.

  Joanna blew her nose into a tissue and said “That’s our Benji” to Nate, her concerns seemingly forgotten for the moment. She opened the screen door and seemed poised to come over to congratulate us, or at least formally meet me face-to-face, until the oven timer buzzed from inside the house and she ran off shouting, “My pie!”

  Nate returned to his standard stoicism and muttered, “Congratulations, you two. Now can we please eat?” before turning around and leaving us alone—finally.

  But we weren’t alone for very long.

  “What in the world is all the racket? Did I miss something?”

  Oh, Laura. I had managed to forget all about her. What a joyous few minutes that had been.

  I cleared my throat and pulled away from Ben just a touch as Laura appeared in the doorway. Despite the fact that I didn’t care for the woman and felt absolutely no loyalty to her, I wanted to think of the best way to break the news to her. I wanted to be delicate and sensitive and—

  “Sarah just agreed to marry me!” Ben blurted out, as blissfully ignorant as ever that she had believed he would someday be hers.

  “Oh!” she cried out, making a sound that sounded vaguely like air being released from a balloon. “Well, isn’t that . . . I’m just so . . .” She tried to get out words that would support the passive-aggressive smile on her face, but when words failed her, she settled on more balloon noises.

  I know it’s not very Christian of me, and I assure you I have asked for forgiveness and made my peace with God, but the sight of Laura walking past us to her car in a flurry of excuses and balloon noises filled me with so much merriment that I nearly overflowed.

  15.

  Lurking in a Dark Corner Alley

  I walked into the coffee house the next morning, before church, and was greeted by the sight of Piper trying to get my attention, holding up two cups of coffee. I knew what that meant: she’d gotten there early and ordered for both of us so we didn’t have to waste a single moment of our time together with a little thing like ordering and paying.

  “Thanks.” I smiled at her as I took my cup from her hand and sat down.

  “How was it? Tell me everything,” she ordered before I had even taken a sip.

  I’d spent a lot of time that morning looking forward to telling Piper everything—but also feeling uncharacteristically nervous about it. After all, as far as Piper was concerned, “everything” went no further than dinner with my boyfriend’s parents.

  “It was nice. Joanna made a pot roast. It was delicious. And the woman’s mashed potatoes are quite possibly the creamiest I have ever tasted in my life. I think she uses buttermilk in them.”

  She raised her eyebrow and stared at me, unamused. I’d answered her question, but not with a single detail she cared about. She didn’t have to clarify. I knew what she was really asking.

  “And Nate and Joanna are lovely, for the record,” I added. “It was a little awkward at first, but by the time we left, I think we all felt pretty comfortable.”

  She exhaled. “Oh good. So they approve of the match?”

  I grinned as I set down my cup. “Yes. In fact, they aren’t even requiring my entire dowry, as long as my father’s village sends them a few goats.”

  “You know what I mean!”

  Of course I knew exactly what she meant, and looking back over the evening, as I had nonstop every waking moment since the evening ended, I was surprised and delighted that none of what I had worried about had even been an issue. Of course there had been some things I hadn’t been counting on . . .

  “Laura was there,” I stated calmly.

  The statement was not received with equal calm.

  “What?” Piper fumed as she set her coffee down on the table a little more forcefully than she intended, sending overflow drops to the table. She quickly grabbed a napkin and started cleaning up the spill, but she didn’t take her eyes off of me.

  “It was fine. Really,” I stated emphatically in response to the disbelief in her eyes. “She didn’t even stay around very long. She left before dinner. And it was probably a good thing that she was there. It kind of pushed me into saying some things to Ben that probably needed to be said.”

  She leaned in with a look that indicated she thought the conversation was finally getting good. “What things?”

  “Oh, you know . . . I told him I felt a little uncomfortable because of how oblivious he is to Laura’s feelings for him. And I told him I felt like I had to work extra hard, because his mother loved Christa and she loves Laura, and she doesn’t know me.”

  “Good.” Piper nodded. “I’m glad you were up front with him about that.”

  “Oh, and I told him I love him.”

  She looked decidedly underwhelmed.

  “For the first time, Piper. I told him I love him for the first time. I mean, the first time on purpose.”

  “But he told you he loves you almost a week ago,” she replied. “You didn’t tell him then?”

  “No,” I scoffed, as if I’d put even a second of intentional thought into not telling him. “I wasn’t going to tell him just because he told me.”

  “No, you would tell him because you do love him.” She laughed. “But I must admit . . . I’m impressed. Whatever the reason, I’m impressed by your restraint. How very un–Sarah Hollenbeckish of you!”

  “Hey!” I threw a napkin at her and pretended to be offended, even as I realized she wasn’t going to be impressed by my restraint for long. “I also kissed him,” I muttered into my coffee as I lifted the cup to my lips.

  “Really? How was it? Sorry. Wrong first question. How did that . . . ? How did he . . . ? Why did you . . . ? Never mind. That was the right first question.”

  “It was . . .” How could I ever put it into words? I wasn’t sure I could. I set my cup on the table and raised my hands to my warm cheeks as I shook my head and smiled.

  “That good?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

  “That good. And then we were getting ready to walk into his parents’ house and—”

  “Hang on.” She raised her hand. “Where were you?”

  “On the porch.” I smiled, a little embarrassed. “His dad walked out on us, and Ben had dropped the bag of dinner rolls on the porch, so Nate just picked them up and took them in . . . it was horrifying.” I took one more sip of coffee and then followed it up with a deep breath before blurting out, “And then we were getting ready to walk in and Ben asked me to marry him.”

  It was the first time I’d had the opportunity to speak the words aloud, and I marveled at the way they felt on my tongue and sounded to my ears. And then my eyes distracted me from my marveling as they observed that Piper wasn’t smiling or squealing or jumping up and down or doing any of the other things best friends always do in movies when someone gets engaged.

  “Did you hear me?”

  Fi
nally a smile broke out on her face, but it was more restrained than I had anticipated. “I did. I guess I’m just a little surprised.”

  “Not half as surprised as I was, I bet.” I winked, and then my smile faded. “You don’t look happy about this.”

  “No! I am!” She reached across the table and grabbed my hands. “Of course I am. You know I am. Sorry. I’m just . . .” She sighed and scrunched up her face. “I don’t know, Sarah. I know you’ll have plenty of people talking about how fast this is happening, and you’ll have plenty of people asking if it’s too soon. You know I’m not those people. But—”

  “But you’re thinking about how fast this is happening, and you’re wondering if it’s too soon.”

  “Of course I am.” She smiled. “You know how I feel about you and how I feel about Ben. And you definitely know how I feel about you and Ben.” She sighed again and held my hands more tightly. “You’re happy about this?”

  Tears sprung to my eyes, and I laughed as I swiped them away. “Of course I am! But I’m not clueless here, you know? I know it’s fast. But I also know that Patrick and I waited an ‘acceptable’ amount of time before we got engaged, and then our marriage was a disaster. And I know that Ben and Christa knew each other a lifetime before they decided to spend their lives together, and now Ben understands better than most of us how precious every moment is.” I pulled my hands away from Piper’s and grabbed a napkin to wipe my eyes, and then I scooted my chair closer to hers. “I am madly in love with him. But I’m not taking this lightly, I promise you. Neither of us are.”

  “I’m really not those people, you know.” She smiled. “In a few months I would have been dropping Ben little hints and ‘accidentally’ giving him directions to jewelry stores when he’s supposed to meet us for lunch. Stuff like that.”

  “I know.” I giggled as I threw my arms around her shoulders.

  She hugged me back and then said softly, “I’m happy for you, Sarah. I really am. Yes, it’s fast, but I see how happy he makes you, and how good you are for each other. In fact, he may be the one guy in this whole world who I think is good enough for my best friend. So don’t ever think that I have any concerns about the who. Only the when. I just . . . I just want you to be careful, okay? You went from one accidental ‘I love you’ and one somewhat accidental kiss in a month and a half to . . . this. And when things start moving quickly, it’s easier for everything to move quickly. So just be careful. Okay?”