by Hart, Alana
Nathan walked back into the building, feeling the weight of the past in each step. He could not take his eyes off her. A group of children encircled her, they held hands and began to sing and dance around her. Hilda smiled and danced with them. Perhaps it was discovering that she was a mother that Nathan saw the maternal side of her that he had never noticed.
Hilda met his gaze. This was the third time since being in San Adrès that they exchanged glances. And yet again, the results where the same, she broke her gaze.
Jośe and woman of a similar age to him, exchanged greetings with Hilda and began chatting away. Nathan lost his cool, turned, and headed back outside.
He heard Hilda bid farewell. She was parting from the setting. Nathan hoped her team remained inside with Charles, so that they might speak without interruptions. He grabbed the cell from his pocket and tried to look casual. The pounding of his heart and the jittery caffeine-like sensation the coursed through him could only be described as adolescent. Nathan had proven his bravery numerous times in life, but now he was afraid of speaking with his ex-girlfriend?
Get a grip man!
But as time went on, the waiting soon grated on his nerves. Harmonious hymns of tuneful cadences and short devotional songs echoed against the soundboards of the surrounding buildings. Luring Nathan back inside, he realized that he had no idea how long Hilda was going to stay inside. It was possible that after seeing him, she wanted to avoid a confrontation and remained inside as a means of defense. And though, peering at his watch, he knew he'd been waiting outside for minutes, it felt as if he'd been waiting outside of six years.
Nathan made a beeline to Hilda, who stood facing away from him.
"Sorry to interrupt. I would like a word with Hilda." Nathan watched her turn to him. She excused herself from the woman who had been speaking with her. Nathan silently commended her on the composure she exercised as they walked to a quiet area in the room.
Hilda looked up at him, expressionless and with a vacant look in her eyes. She crossed her hands under her elbows.
"You're here on an assignment, Nathan?"
Starting the conversation with such a casual air threw Nathan off. Yet her remote tone disconcerted him. Nathan was never one for games or subtlety. He showed her the cell. "You're right. And here, you dropped it at the airport."
She took the cell, not removing her eyes from him, nor displaying any detectable emotion in her face. Nathan noted how she gulped. He observed that she didn't appear to breathe.
"Thank you." Hilda nodded. Slightly hesitant, she nevertheless pressed on. "Well, they've sent you to a place where the weather is great." She pressed her lips together.
Nathan recognized this habit that she displayed whenever she was nervous. Obviously, he made her nervous. This was an eye-opener that eroded his ability to stay cool.
"I know you're here with your partner, Hilda. Does that address the elephant in the room?" Nathan frowned.
"And what do you think is so apparent that begs a discussion, after all this time?" Two children ran by them, playing a game of catch. Hilda used this distraction to look away from him.
Nathan studied her profile as she faced away. He didn't recognize her. It was Hilda, she looked slightly older and more earnest than she had at 18. But this new woman had fortified her defenses well. She was not prepared to let anyone in, let alone him.
"How about starting with why you left me that night." Nathan didn't want to cause a scene, but he wanted the truth.
"You mean repeat what I already told you at the airport?" She crossed her arms over her stomach and looked at him with a steely glare.
Nathan saw that her coldness had melted. He preferred this to her cold exterior, but there was something else he understood by her body language. She was protecting something.
"There's more, there has to be." Nathan said.
"You mean, more than the fact that I had backslid with you. Becoming a Christian had changed my life, saved my life, you decided you didn't want to be a Christian. I've always had faith in Christ, even when I said otherwise."
"So, you just up and make yourself a missionary. I couldn't find you at your college, church, anywhere. You just upped and disappeared. There was no trace of you. Your mother even threatened me when I called. Why?"
Hilda's shoulders rose up and she looked toward the exit. "You were a Christian. You know if I stayed around you I would have fallen into temptation again. It was the most logical thing for me."
"I have found my way back to Christ." Nathan thought divulging this would relax her.
Hilda sighed. It was as if she were a cornered animal.
"Glad to hear it, Nathan. I'm sorry, I wasn't strong enough to turn away from sin when we were..." Her head dipped. "Well, I wasn't strong enough to continue my old life once everything began to feel like a lie. But look at us, Nathan. We've both returned to Christ and managed to live the life we always wanted."
"It's hard to treat you like a stranger. You can't erase the past."
"Nate... Nathan, you're right. I still--” Nathan was shocked as he recognized the tell-tell signs of emotion in her. To see the rosiness of her cheeks as she flushed, he knew she was feeling something. Her blush was always an insecurity that made her feel like a social incompetent, she had often said. "Yes," she breathed deeply while closing her eyes to clearly regain control over emotions, "we are both Christians, but there is still the danger of... temptation." She looked at the playing children. "It wouldn't be the first time."
Nathan opened his mouth, but could not bring himself to say what he wanted. He wanted to know what she had prevented herself from saying. But, he always acknowledge her argument; she was right, there was the danger of the them both revisiting the path that would deliver them to sin.
"I respect your decision. I know it was for the best." Nathan felt equal measures empathy and hurt. Yet he knew the way he felt towards Hilda was enough to ensure that he'd sin again. She was a great temptation. "God has a plan. I'll see you around, then."
Hilda smiled and nodded absently. As he walked away, he saw her slump into a walk and look heavenward.
Chapter 6
Hilda stared at the cell. She could cry now. After she left Nathan, people occupied the space he left. She had kept busy with mission trips, various jobs, and members of her new church. This never allowed her time for herself. And she preferred it that way. She feared being alone would bring the crushing guilt of her actions upon her. And because she was always in public, there was never ample time for her to fall apart. So she had learned to cry discreetly.
She blinked a few times, expecting the brief roll of tears. Nothing. Not moisture, nor blurry vision brought on by wet eyes. Why was the pain present even when he was not around? Six years and still he seemed to have a hold on her. She never would have imagine it would be this tough. Why was she not over him?
Aaron flashed in her mind, and seeing Nathan again only reminded her how father and son looked so alike. Everything about Nathan was strong and dominant, including his genetics. And if he discovered that he had a child, he would most likely feel that such a responsibility would ruin his aspirations to rise to the top ranks of the army. For Hilda, Aaron was her gift. And she would give Aaron everything she didn't have in her life. Love. Kindness. Protection.
A father?
Through all the hardship and pain she endured, Hilda felt God had blessed her with a wonderful boy. Hilda, not wanting to burden Nathan with the charge of finding a place for Aaron in his busy life, decided to protect Aaron at all costs. A parent's' rejection could leave lifelong scars. Hilda knew from first hand experience.
Success was everything to Nathan. That's one thing she learned from their relationship. He lived in a perpetual state of incompleteness. Not only had he wanted to end up in the top ranks of the military, but he wanted her to be the envy of all woman. He was obsessed with his appearance more than he liked to admit. Being attractive, he was more popular than his peers. His friends held him in hi
gh esteem and women's attention drifted towards him. He kept himself in impressive shape, and in the midst of his non-Christian friends who she met, she saw that they admired him and he often flaunted his attractiveness, intelligence, and confidence as if they were moral virtues. He was more of a jock than a well-groomed sophisticated individual. But any room he entered he commanded attention and it was as if he counted the number of looks that came his way. He was so proud at how she ensnared attention wherever she went. When he saw her potential as a photographer, he wanted her to become a freelance photographer. She wondered what he would think of her now that she no longer had the passion.
Hilda knew she had to act. Aaron would be joining her next week and she didn't know how long Nathan would be in Guatemala or what he was even doing here. But she couldn't allow Nathan to get too close.
After having Aaron she had experienced hairloss. She felt ashamed and unattractive. Whenever she imagined Nathan she remembered how much he loved her hair, he named her Red. He always commented on how she had a hidden fire and passion inside her. That she made him feel alive. She'd suffered her fair share of harassment as a child because of her hair color and feckless. Nathan was the first person to adore for her looks. When her hair thinned, she'd lost the one quality that he loved about her. She dared not imagine how he would react if her witnessed her thinning hair with its color faded. But Aaron had allowed her to shift her attention away from the superficial changes in herself and love Aaron with all her heart.
She cared little about impressing other people with social status or financial success; she'd been blessed with Aaron.
"Hey, was that your friend from back at the airport?" Abigail approached Hilda. With her plaited brunette hair and a radiant smile, Abigail reminded Hilda of her younger happy-go-lucky self. Hilda had been so preoccupied with mulling over her problems that she was not paying enough attention to God's purpose for having her here – to share the love of Christ.
Hilda pushed aside her problems and smiled. "Yep. He's probably here with the military or something, we didn't speak for long." Hilda struggled to drag the words out. She waved her cell at Abigail.
"Hey, you found it? Where?"
"Well, it was actually Nathan who found it. I dropped it at the airport."
"And he brought it all the way here for you? Wow, now that's chivalry."
"Oh no, I know Nathan. If anything he's doing something with the military."
"Something that happens to be where you're working right after you've left your phone. Did he actually hint that the military is in the area?"
"Abigail. You want me to believe he's traveled all this way just to hand me my cell?"
Abigail gave a quick smile and shrugged.
Hilda felt unsure about her assumption that he was here with the military. She had not seen or heard of their presence. Or maybe he was just on vacation. That was likely.
Chapter 7
To stay sane, Nathan had decided to leave the area. Return to America. It was not too late to take the trip to Hawaii. He needed to leave Hilda to her life, flying to another country just to return her cell was borderline creepy. It had to stop.
Yet Nathan found himself standing outside the local orphanage watching Hilda and three other missionaries playing catch with a group of children. Her red hair was knotted into a bun. She wore a gauzy green blouse and a pair of capris jeans, he found it hard to ignore her. He remarked on the irony of once again being in a situation where he stood outside looking in. Before he realized it, he was approaching the school.
Suddenly she turned to him, and her glare sucked something out of Nathan. She stared across at him. Just started. Nothing else. Nathan, took a breath: it was ragged, loud, and strained, and his pulse was all he could hear. She was all he could see. Staring into her hazel eyes, he felt and heard himself gasp and felt utterly helpless as he couldn't bring himself to take his eyes away, to disconnect from hers.
Her lips tightened, brow furrowed. Hilda's look was a warning. Nathan felt his chest tighten. There was a time that his ego would not have understood her expression as a sign to back off, it would have been a mere challenge for him to exercise his ability to take charge of any situation. Nathan gave a slight nod before he turned and walked back to the bus that waited.
Watching Hilda as she carried a little girl piggyback.
"I hope you're ready to work, Mr. Hawks?"
Nathan flinched as he was dragged away from his thoughts. Standing in the aisle of the coach was Jośe. Nathan moved across for the pastor to sit beside him.
"Oh yeah, sitting around too long gets me all antsy."
"Well that's good to know. We have all the provisions ready."
"Great." And Nathan really did feel gratitude, primarily because he could rebuild the village houses destroyed by mudslides in Nahuala, but also because he would be gone for days and this would give Hilda the space she needed.
He couldn't force the situation. If they were around each other they would be bound to talk sooner or later. Then perhaps he would get more from her. If he pushed the matter too hard, he was certain she would disappear again.
Hilda spent the rest of the day working with the local orphan Kids Club. Singing songs, laughing. Playing, and just seeing the bright and energetic smile of the children brought on by the most simple of things, reminded Hilda that the bible teaches everyone to have childlike faith. She particularly took to Leticia, a child that had witnessed both her parents gunned down in front of her. And then Nathan's appearance at the orphanage, had exposed her weakness – him.
When Nathan left, she spent the entire day feeling skittish. Watching out for him while working on arts and craft with the children. Seeing the children's eagerness to expressive their artistic creations, of pictures made from foil and paper, made her think about how proud Nathan was of her photographs, how it first inspired her, and his expectations about her love for art. The children were not exposed to vanity and pride. Even in Aaron, she often marveled at the sense of innocence and joy that seemed to shine from him. He enjoyed painting, drawing, and dancing. Didn't Jesus call upon us to become like children?
She had been prepared for him to put up a fight. It surprised her that he visibly wilted when she stared at him. She had not been prepared for a confrontation and she felt shock when he approached. But judging from the way Nathan reacted, she must have looked menacing. Nothing was further from the truth. If Nathan pushed too hard, she would never withstand his overwhelming character. Yet Nathan had backed down, retreated, and left. Was this the Nathan of five years ago?
Although she knew Nathan's team would be away for at least a week, she remained alert, constantly on edge, finding that she jittered and jumped when someone tapped her shoulder or the moment someone called her name. Her heightened nerves were not helped by Charles' presence.
Charles took every opportunity to be around Hilda. Even though his group was assigned to teach the gospel to villages, Charles found any excuse to get involved with Hilda's tasks. Normally when Charles encroached on her work, she voiced her feelings of dissatisfaction that he intentionally undermined her authority. But, as Charles somehow ended up teaching the Kid Club beside her, she welcomed it. She thought he would serve as a repellent if Nathan should come back around.
Hilda, told herself that she wouldn't lie to Nathan, but she was not in a hurry to divest him of the assumption he had made about her and Charles being a couple. If Nathan believed her and Charles were an item, then he would not bother her. The Nathan she remembered had a big ego but was also respectful of other people's boundaries.
"Are you going to join us for dinner?" It was Abigail. She was standing behind Hilda, who looked out at the landscape and saw it suffused with the veiling evening. A heavy stillness made Hilda wish she could capture the filtered light.
" Afraid not." Hilda stretched, "I'm not hungry."
"Seriously? You've had nothing since lunch."
"It's normally like that before I see my mother. I get so anx
ious that I lose my appetite."
"Wow, no offense but your mom sounds really scary."
Hilda shook her head. "She's not, really. Plus, it's been a week since I've hugged Aaron. That's part of it, I guess." Of course Nathan was a large part of her anxiety as well. If he returned and saw Aaron, there was a chance he'd make the connection. With her mother here, Nathan, and Charles, Hilda feared pandemonium.
Abigail hugged Hilda and walked back to the dinner hall. Hilda walked back to the hotel. Getting back to her room, she sat at the foot of the bunk and hugged her knees. Her mind flashed back to her father's letter. She wondered how much of a disappointment she would be if he were alive to see her life now.
As little girl she removed the letter from beneath her pillow to read it over and she would follow all of the guidelines to the letter. Her mother would scoff at her over the years for reading the letter. She told Hilda to be realistic and don't try to be the girl in the letter, as it was impossible and they were written by someone was not in his right mind at the time. Hilda kept in her heart that her father was in his right mind when he wrote the letter and that her mother was just hurt.
One day Hilda returned from middle school, looking for her letter after a group had teased her because of her red hair. Hilda felt like a freak and out of place. Her father's letter provided her with comfort whenever a bully had upset her. She lifted her pillow – gone. Sometimes she kept it in her bible, but it wasn't there either, and despite ransacking her room, Hilda didn't find it.
How she ever got the courage to check her mother's bedroom, she didn't know. But there it was, in plain sight, on her mother's dresser. Hilda was distraught to learn her mother had taken it, and she was even more upset that when she asked her mother, she had denied it. And Hilda, knowing her mother had it all along and hadn't told her, tainted Hilda's view of her. Hilda took the letter and never mentioned it to her mother. The action was a bold one. It meant she had defied her mother openly. That night Hilda slumped down at the foot of her bed. She used a flashlight to read her father's words. Be a good girl for your mother. It was her first experience of feeling a fraud.