by Hart, Alana
You have a son.
Nathan immediately, felt intrusive, that he'd seen too much already. Thick brown hair, freckles and tiny dark eyes, with a wide smile. This was Hilda Borja's son.
He became conscious of his breath, which drew in with long pulls, and when released felt as if it took a part of him. He picked up his rucksack and pocketed the cell. Questions bounced around inside his head like pinballs.
The change in her was striking and had caught him off guard. But now she was a mother, a devout Christian. Her slender shape seems harder, thinner, and if he were to hug her she would feel cold. He used to enjoy hugging her. Her lips looked downturned and unaccustomed to smiling.
Just seeing her turned every moment the spent together six years ago into a pin point needles. His headache returned. Seeing her evoked memories he'd rather have lain dormant. Over the years he'd tried hard to suppress them. A floodgate of memories returned. It was more than Nathan could handle.
They had courted for a year and in that time, he'd never met anyone like her. They permitted themselves to only meet in public, lest the temptation of lust overtake them and they gave into sin. But he grew disheartened with God, with his father. As his mother and father were going through a divorce. She never knew her father and only had the letter he left her, before he died. They read his letter often. And it had good Christian values. But Nathan wanted to keep Hilda safe. He started to thinking that faith in God was not the main thing to sustain a lifelong relationship. His parents had tried that and failed. Nor did faith mean much to lovers who would be together forever. Hilda's father died leaving her mother behind. He wanted to take her with him and get as much experience out of life because they never knew when they were going to die.
This struggle continued even after Hilda left. But the over the years he'd come to realize what faith truly involved. Just because he couldn't see good examples of sustained relationships in Christ, it didn't mean they were not there. As his faith grew, he began to see good examples. Scott and Melanie supported each other and put their faith in God. Even when they had their first miscarriage, they continued to have faith. His father and mother got back together and returned to marriage counseling.
There was hope.
Nathan boarded his flight, a first class military flight.
Her mother threatened to call the authorities the first few times he called the house after she disappeared on him. No one had known they were dating, they pretended they could keep their dating a "private" matter and things would not get out of control. Eventually he gave up and she resigned himself to the fact that she didn't want to be seen, when all trace of her disappeared, from her home, college, church. It tormented him. That's when he put all his attention back into his army career.
While on the plane to Guatemala, he removed the cell phone, her cell phone, from his trouser pocket. Nathan gave his head a shake "What are you planning here, God?" If this was meant to be then he imagined he knew where she would be, if there was more to her disappearing to be uncovered, then perhaps it would be revealed to him.
With things turning awry with Kiera, him bumping into Hilda, the possibility that they were going to the same place, her forgetting her cell. The picture of a child. The fact that she was now likely a mother.
"Very funny, God," Nathan said.
Chapter 4
“Over the next several days our focus will be taking each and everyone of you on a spiritual journey. Now I can't promise that it will be easy. But if you let it guide you, it will be a life changing journey. Thank you." The room erupted in applause and Hilda stepped down from the stage.
Everyone held hands and prayed.
They arrived in San Andrés, immediately embraced by the heat. After Hilda and Charles briefed the team on the mission over the next few weeks, everyone was allocated their rooms. Hilda shared a room with Abigail.
That night Hilda went to bed early, feeling particularly exhausted. Since landing, all she could do was worry about Aaron. How could she have left her phone? Sooner rather than later she would have to call her mother and plead for her to get in touch with Melanie and Scott.
Hilda paced the room. If something happened to Aaron she would lose her mind. If he fell while playing or had a nightmare or called out for her. Mosquito net wrapped around her on the bottom bunk. Knees drawn to her chest, the mantra of bad mother echoed through her head.
She would have taken comfort in knowing that there were hundreds of miles between herself and Nathan, but her carelessness of her forgetting her cell made her feel less safe. Aaron's picture was her screen saver; one look at him, his eyes, his hair and Nathan would have surely known. Or if he searched the messages to see if he could find one of her friends to return the cell, Nathan would be a little closer. Melanie's number was in the phone, he'd find out from them, she was here. Would he come all the way here, to San Andrés just to return a phone? Or would there be a more significant reason?
She felt diving into work would be the best hiding place. If God saw how hard she worked, the maybe God would protect her from Nathan; if he came back into her life she wouldn't be able to handle it. At this stage in her life, facing the past was an onslaught she could not withstand.
In the morning she would Skype Melanie before calling her mother. Hopefully, if Nathan contacted them, they would not give any information on her. She didn't think there was any reason for them to do so. As she place her head on the bed, a frantic thought stung her. Where was he off to? Army work no doubt, but where?
And if the truth surfaced, running would not work. The only thing she could do was to see if they would be mature enough to get to the point where they could be civil. He never wanted to be a father. Nor a Christian. There was no chance that he had changed over the years. He personality was too powerful.
She shut her eyes with a hand when the bedroom door opened and Abigail walked in.
"Hilda, are you awake?" Abigail smiled down at Hilda. "I heard you left your phone at the airport and that you need to contact your son in the morning." She took her MacBook from her a suitcase. "I'll just leave it out for you to use in the morning."
Hilda rose out of the bed, her forehead lined from worry since they reached Guatemala, she clasped her chest with one hand and touched Abigail's forearm with the other. "Thank you ever so much."
"I usually get homesick on mission trips." Abigail shrugged her shoulders. "Pretty pathetic, right? Getting sick on short-term missions."
"No, not at all. Everyone's response is different. Just think, it can be more difficult to acclimatize on short-term trips because they are over so quickly." Hilda returned back to the bunk, but tossed aside the mosquito net and sat up. "When I was your age I had dreams of going on long-term missions, but mother wouldn't even let me go on short-term ones. Now I take every opportunity to go on trips, but only short-term strips fit into my schedule. You are getting an experience most people can only dream of, and you have enough faith and courage to take you this far. I say don't be too hard on yourself."
"Thanks." Abigail got changed into her nightgown in the small bathroom. "And you?" she called.
"Me?" Hilda raised her eyebrows.
"I've had many team leaders. But you're the only one who looks like you were wanting to go home the moment you got here."
Sitting in the moonlight, Hilda stiffened. She gave the speech she had written with every bit of passion she could muster at the time. The extra effort was mainly because she didn't want her team to see how Nathan had affected her. Losing her phone was bad enough, but losing it where Nathan was likely to find it and see Aaron's picture had unsettled her. Clearly, it was written across her face for all to read.
"Are you missing your son?"
"He’s called Aaron. Being away from him like this has affected me more than I thought it would."
"And who was that guy speaking with you earlier? If you don't mind me asking. He looked scary."
Hilda winced, luckily in the darkness where Abigail didn't see. "
Just a blast from the past."
"Oh. I thought he was one of the soldiers that are patrolling the area."
Hilda's heart jolted. "No-no-no. That just can't be possible. He's just an old friend. From the past."
"Anyway, I'm going to crash." Abigail embraced Hilda with a hug, catching her off guard, so that at first she didn't know how to respond, but relaxed her tensed muscles and hugged Abigail back.
"Good night Abigail. Thanks for again for letting me use your MacBook." Hilda smiled.
Abigail climbed up into her bunk and went to bed.
A meditative silence filled the room. Hilda felt internally conflicted, thinking maybe it was best to tell someone what had actually happened between her and Nathan. But the more she thought about it, the more necessary it seemed to let it go. If anyone asked she would tell. Whenever people, taken by Aaron's beauty, asked about his father, she told them that she had dated his father as Christians but succumbed to fornication, and his father was no longer a Christian or interested in marriage. So she looked after Aaron and didn't want to burden his father who had aspirations of becoming a high-ranking officer in the army.
Melanie and Scott never pried further and Scott never seemed to know it was his best friend. And between her traveling on missions and him working overseas for the army, it was likely they would never meet again.
If she introduced Aaron to Nathan and she saw a glint of disappointment in Nathan's eyes, it would prove too much to handle. He never wanted children and she didn't want Aaron to be subjected to a father who felt forced to love his son.
Even though she had returned from backsliding, it didn't meant she was any stronger, the adage what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger did not apply here. Nathan had fallen away from God a long time ago; even as a Christian he was headstrong and didn't care much about rules. Not being a Christian, it was dangerous to have him in her life.
Then there was the compulsion to solve every problem, always taking action, always taking control and not having enough faith to accept that some situations needed him to trust in God. Nathan liked to prepare for every contingency. His take charge nature always kept Hilda on edge. His ambition and drive was motivating and impressive, but he never quite understood that his grueling work ethic and pace would have even been too much for the most arduous of workers. Hilda was far from an arduous worker. She tried hard and gave her best. But she was never competitive and preferred to enjoy the moment rather than what she could get out of the moment.
Aaron was above average at school, but he was still a child and he sometimes threw a tantrum if he got tired. Hilda wanted the best for Aaron, but she would rather him be happy and healthy, over successful and excellent. She had no idea how Nathan would react to a son who was just above average. Hilda knew God understood and would not subject Aaron to Nathan's military style discipline.
In the morning, Hilda contacted Aaron and was overjoyed to know the Russells had not had any strange visits or calls from a person who may have found her cell.
Although tired from worrying through most of the night, Hilda managed to set to work with newfound energy. Between moments where she organized activities and arranged teams, she whispered prayers of thanks to God that Aaron was safe and that Nathan had not visited Melanie and Scott.
Hilda stood before an assembly at the opening ceremony of a school. She was moved by the way students were so willing to get up and sing during the ceremony. Hilda knew of the challenging two weeks ahead and took the time to take photos with children and pull goofy faces and laugh and play. The happy carefree play of the children remained her of Aaron.
She assigned a group to teach the children about about just how much God loved them.
That evening Hilda's team was invited to the hall for dinner with other groups and the local Christians. Hilda was hesitant, but as the leader of her group, she had to attend.
Chapter 5
Nathan scanned the room, glancing the people who sat at tables in groups. Dinner was underway and everyone talked happily with the locals and some of the mission leaders. He had accepted the invitation, just on the off-chance that he'd meet her. In the past, when he had been away from work, he thought about the firm and how Clive was coping, but all he could think about was seeing Hilda again.
They dined in a modest sized room for the large group of people present. The huge mahogany table took most of the space, candelabras commanded attention from the center of the table. Nathan noted Hilda's absence. He saw the group she was with at the airport. Except for the man named Charles. Though it was a painful thought, Nathan's mind told him that Charles and Hilda were likely having a more intimate dinner, especially as Charles made it clear that they were a couple.
"No need to stand on ceremony, Major," said the host of the dinner, and pastor of the local church, Jośe.
Before his return to Christ he would have corrected Jośe. The proper term of address was 'Major Hawks', instead Nathan looked at the small gentle-faced man. "Thank you, Jośe."
"Please, take a seat."
Nathan felt tense that Hilda had not attended the dinner. Although he had men guarding the perimeters, danger still pervaded the area, especially with the recent drug war. Walking behind Jośe, passing by the tables, the men he happened to meet nodded at him and looked up with admiration. For as long as he could remember, Nathan had an air of authority about him that most men acknowledged.
The dining hall was overpowered by the aroma of delicious food which stimulated Nathan's taste buds. Enough food had been served to keep everyone pleased. As Nathan collected a plate and filled it, his mind remains elsewhere.
Jośe said grace and everyone began to eat. He sat across from Nathan. "We are most glad for your presence here. Please try to enjoy yourself. One thing I've learned is to make the most of every experience. I see you and I think of myself.” Jośe's had a smile kind. After service in the army, Jośe told of how God called him to pursue a course in bible studies. He related the hardship of friends turned against him, how God supported him when he had no one, how God had helped him find his wife and then his calling to become a pastor.
The noise in the room graduated to murmurs of conversation to laughter and clattering of cutlery. Nathan finished his meal and thanked Jośe for his hospitality. Everyone helped gather the plates of food.
"Let's go, men." Nathan's men followed him out. But before they left, Jośe requested Nathan join them in the next room for prayer. At first Nathan tentatively accepted. Everyone else happily walked into a room at the back of the building, where people sat waiting for the group prayer to begin. Nathan took his seat and his men followed. And before he closed his eyes to pray, his eyes caught a flicker of red. The afterimage imprinted onto his mind. It was Hilda. It just had to be.
After the prayer, his suspicions were confirmed. Hilda sat a few rows in front of him, wearing a camel colored sleeveless top. Her shoulder length hair was tied in a ponytail. As she got up and said a few words to the people surrounding her, Nathan was aware his emotions arose from a man forced to endure the shackles of restraint when all he wanted to do was approach the woman who he once believed he knew better than himself. He looked on intently, making an inventory down to the speckles of earth that marked her blue jeans. As he caught sight of her face, though slightly more filled out, it nevertheless caused him to forget himself and remember how she made him feel every time he saw her.
She saw him.
Nathan had not intended to surprise her, but the visible blow from seeing him was obvious to him, even though she tried to hide it. Her body seemed to jolt and her mouth opened slightly. It seemed as if he had ambushed her intentionally. Someone stepped between their locked gaze. It was the man called Charles, and he was saying something to Hilda. She smiled and engaged Charles in conversation. After her conversation ended, Hilda met Nathan's eyes again, but this time, her look was unwavering and unabashed. Nathan wanted her to smile, but he knew it wouldn't happen. Looking away, she left him staring, walking
away, she left him seated. Is that who she had become, someone who constantly fled her past?
Nathan stood.
A few people stood as well, and began filing out to exit the room. Nathan couldn't unclench his jaw. He felt a dull ache, as what he thought he'd accomplish when he saw her again begun to unravel. The situation was almost too clear to not see that they would never be again. That perhaps what they had before could be so easily forgotten. They didn't even seem room for friendship. Nathan doubted Charles would be comfortable with it.
Nathan never imagined he would suffer as long as he did in the aftermath of their relationship. Although, in the past he told himself that, should he see her again, he would want to be with her. Now, exiting the room, frustrated and realizing the prescribed guideline for pain in a relationship was not always time; he needed closure. To learn the truth behind why she left. Discover where they had gone wrong. Perhaps it was the fighter in him, but he was not prepared to let her go so easily.
Leaving the building he decided to turn back; there she spoke with and walked with her team. He looked at her with suppressed emotion. A young girl with mocha colored plaited hair. The girl watched Hilda, just as he did, but with glazed eyes, and nodded slowly at every word Hilda said. Nathan watched as Hilda smiled and listened to everyone. Nathan always knew people had high opinions of her. She interacted with everyone. Nathan knew it was going to take a lot of courage to approach her. Touching the cell through his pocket, it felt like his trump card.
As someone gave her a camera to take a photo with her team and a group of children, Nathan wondered if she finished college, or if she still enjoyed photography. Hilda took the picture. It startled Nathan how little feeling she gave to taking the picture, her actions seemed mechanical, unfeeling and perfunctory. Photography used to be an art, an aesthetic. She had an eye to see something and transform through a lens. Her photos where truly unique.