by Amy Marie
I push his chest, heaving, and pull away.
“Noelle.” Erin’s quiet voice calls out and I find a seething Trent standing next to her.
He throws his hands in the air, and she is shaking her head not sure what to do with the display in front of her.
“I’m outta here,” Trent says while heading to the door. “Call me later, Erin.”
I rush out after him, Jace yelling my name, hoping to somehow fix this. I’m in the middle of chaos and I feel torn between two directions. I grab the back of his shirt because he won’t slow his pace.
“Trent, stop! I need to...” He whips around and his shirt slips from my grip.
“NO, NOELLE! I won’t stop! I’m done! If you want to fuck around with him then go ahead. I’m not going to be waiting at home while you go out with him and I’m damn sure done competing. Date him. I’m done! I’m DONE. I can’t do this. I love you too much.” He shakes his head and walks away towards his truck leaving me dumbfounded.
He loves me?
My blood is boiling. My heart is racing so fast it’s digging its way out of my chest.
I pull off the curb leaving tire tracks into traffic narrowly missing a small red car, and a dumbfounded Noelle on the sidewalk.
My life has been ten shades of fucked up since Sunday morning. I thought giving Noelle the opportunity to see that fucker one last time was a brilliant idea. She would see that her body and heart belonged to me, but I was wrong. Seeing his lips on hers again...I just couldn’t take it. I had to leave.
She has consumed my thoughts for the past two years and lately I’ve become worthless. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t work. Danny would have me fired if I didn’t own the damn company.
If she could so easily put her lips on his after having hers on mine then maybe it’s for the best that I walk away before I get my heart broken.
Who the fuck am I kidding? If she showed up at my door and begged me to make her a one man woman I would wrap those thighs around me and make it so that she could never be anyone else’s.
My mind starts replaying the entire afternoon as I pull into work. I told her I loved her. I didn’t mean to but in the heat of the moment, it came out. I don’t regret it, but I was pissed. Still am.
“Yo, Trent, I need you to sign off on this shit,” Danny bellows out as I unsuccessfully avoid a conversation with him trying to stomp past his desk.
I sign my name so hard the paper starts to rip and he pulls them out from under the pen.
“What the hell, dude? You’re murdering the form. Now I’m going to have to reprint it.” The vein in his head pops out like it does when he’s frustrated.
“I told her I was done.” I throw the pen down and the unemotional tone in my voice catches me off guard. I feel defeated.
“You what?” He stops mid task.
Dragging my hands down my face I fall back into the chair across from his desk.
“Yea. I went to see her while she was having lunch with Erin. It had been four fucking days, and I hadn’t heard a word. I needed to touch her. I needed to and he was there, and he fucking kissed her in front of me...again. I’m tired of competing for someone who, if she would just push aside how scared she is to lose my family if this goes wrong, should be mine.”
A loud bang reverberates in the room when he slams his hands on the desk, the vein reappearing.
“You’re kidding me right, Trent? You’ve been pining over that chick for two years and you just give up?” A look of disbelief is almost overshadowed by his annoyance.
“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Dan. She...”
“...Is the reason you can’t focus and not because she won’t let you claim her like a fucking caveman. Because I can see that you love her written all over your face.”
“Now who needs tampons?” I stand up to walk away but his hand reaches over grabbing my arm.
“Think about this, Trent. I’m serious. As a friend listen to what I am about to ask you. Do you want Noelle dating him?” He looks straight at me gauging my reaction. “Hell, marrying him?”
“No!” I yell snatching my arm away.
The thought of her in a wedding dress walking down the aisle to someone else guts me. I want her to be walking down towards me.
“Then fight for her!” He shouts back.
“I’m tired of fighting for something that shouldn’t be a fight, Dan.”
“Oh, so you give up because it’s not easy. I see. Just like this company you built from the ground up. You didn’t give that up because it was hard. As your best friend I should tell you that you’re a real pussy.”
The door hits the wall when he flings it open leaving me alone with my thoughts again.
More defeated than before I decide that I’ll take the rest of the day off and go pick up my son, the one constant in my life.
~~
Alex’s parents have asked to keep Jason a lot more. I don’t know if one of them is dying or they pulled their heads out of their ass and decided it was time to become the grandparents that they should be, but things have changed recently.
They ask for him constantly, and even though I enjoy not having to pay a sitter or bother Erin with watching him I still hate going over there to drop him off or pick him up. I don’t feel welcome.
It’s three o’clock when I pull up to their house after numerous calls with no answer. I figure that Jason is napping and they have the ringer off.
Her dad must have run an errand since the driveway is empty but I can see the front door cracked open.
My stomach drops a little as I near the door, an uneasy feeling coming over me. Regardless of the open door I still feel as though I need to knock. When no one responds after a few minutes I make the decision to go in anyway.
The house is quiet, too quiet, but there’s soft music playing from the extra room off the dining area where Jason usually naps.
A woman’s humming filters through the air and my heart stops when I hit the threshold.
“Alex!?”
~~
Piss. Ass. Drunk. That’s where I’m at right now. After seeing Alex holding my son, MY SON, in her arms rocking him to sleep, I fucking lost it.
How dare she think it’s okay to touch him? Hold him?
He’s MINE!
Where the hell has she been? Where was she when I was in the ER with him for a one hundred four degree temperature? When he was teething and needed my shirt to chew on? When he needed a goddamn MOTHER for Christ’s sake?
I don’t know and I don’t care. I didn’t give her the chance to tell me. I snatched up my son and walked out the door meeting her parents as they pulled in.
Her mother begged and pleaded for me to stay and talk things through. To explain. Fuck that.
They’ll never see him again. EVER.
I drove Jason to my moms and came home. I don’t want any of those assholes to show up here and think they can see him.
So Jack Daniel’s and I have become better acquainted over the past few hours and now my vision is blurred, my body is weak and I’ve almost forgotten the heartache of this afternoon with Noelle.
Almost.
Alex showing up is not even a blip on my radar compared to my trouble with Noelle.
God I love her, but I won’t share her.
The doorbell rings and I silently hope it’s Noe.
Anger boils through me when I find Alex’s brown eyes and not Noelle’s blue ones on the other side of the door. Alex’s ratty brown hair, instead of Noelle’s soft, flowing blonde.
“Go away, Alex,” I yell slamming the door in her face.
“Trent, please let me in,” her soft voice is barely a whisper through the door.
“Fuck you, Alex,” I say ignoring her request and making myself another Jack and Coke.
I fall back onto my couch and after a few silent moments later Alex is standing in front of me, hands on her hips, clothes dripping wet from the downpour that started an hour ago.
“Trent, please listen to me. I need to explain. I owe you that much.” She sits on the coffee table next to my propped up legs.
Noelle would beat her ass if she saw Alex sitting soaking wet on my coffee table.
Drunken thoughts of Noelle and how much I love her force my eyes to shut. The way her body felt under my fingertips.
“Where’s Jason?” Alex’s shrill voice invades my daydream.
My eyes fly open and meet hers. “None of your damn business. Get the hell out of my house!”
“No!”
“No? This is my fucking house! It would’ve been yours if you stuck around but you took off you selfish bitch! Then you come back around and you don’t have the decency to let me know?” I jump up making her flinch. “Spend time with my, yes MY son, and then you want to come here looking for him and you won’t leave. Get the hell out before I physically throw you out!”
“You wouldn’t hurt a woman, Trent.” Her hand taps the side of my leg.
I jerk away from her and stalk to the kitchen. “Don’t touch me, Alex. You lost that privilege a long time ago.”
The day she left is still fresh in my mind. My heart broke. As soon as I realized she wasn’t coming back Jason started to cry hysterically, and he couldn’t be soothed for hours. It was like he knew he was abandoned.
Sighing she stands and walks slowly my way but keeps her distance. “I was sick, Trent. I needed help.”
“You would’ve had to be sick to walk away from him. From the biggest blessing in your LIFE.” I take a long sip of my drink letting the coolness calm down the rage I have. I need to relax before I throw something.
It’s too much in one day. I can’t handle anymore.
“Trent, can you please just sit down. Let me tell you what I have to say and then you can kick me out if you want.”
Fine. If I let her explain she can leave, and I don’t have to see her fucking face ever again. I nod, and she turns to walk back into the living room. I follow but make sure to sit as far from her as possible.
It’s silent for what feels like an eternity, neither of us looking at the other.
“I was scared,” she says breaking the silence.
I’m in disbelief. She’s lying.
“That’s bullshit.” I call her out.
“It’s not bullshit.” She starts crying then stands up and starts pacing back and forth.
“I was stressed, Trent. You were trying to start your business and I was home alone with a baby. I know it’s not an excuse but I felt trapped and the thoughts that ran through my head were scary thoughts. Thoughts of harming Jason every time he cried. I found out after I left that I suffered from post partum depression.”
Her body crumbles to the ground and it takes everything in me not to go comfort her. The anger of her leaving me and not telling me what was really going on keep me in my place. I have no sympathy.
As the shaking takes over she continues, “After I left I started using drugs. It started off as pot but then it progressed and eventually it was cocaine. Then one night everything changed. I didn’t know what I was doing, I promise. I had so much cocaine in my system that night and I felt out of control. There were all these people there and the last thing I remember was being in the bedroom with two men.”
My eyebrow rises wondering where this is going.
“I woke up the next morning scared and alone in the bed. My life had spiraled and I knew I needed to change. I was embarrassed and so I called my parents and they sent me to a facility that dealt with drug use. They wanted me clean before I could even consider seeing Jason again.”
“I didn’t know all that happened and please forgive me but that was almost two years ago. It took you this long to go through rehab? Why did it take so long to come back?”
She starts to tremble as her sobs get louder. I reach over placing a comforting hand on her, not sure what else there could be, but it’s not helping.
Thirty minutes pass by before she calms down and I’m now sobered up. The mother of my child is broken down.
She pushes away from me, grabs a tissue off the table, and blows her nose. Then she grabs another dabbing away the tears and mascara.
Her brown eyes have turned a dark shade of green. I remember they do that when she is upset.
“If you check into a place like that they give you a physical. When they did mine they found a lump in my breast.” She looks down as though she doesn’t want to continue.
I see dread. The look splayed across her face tells me the rest she has to say isn’t good.
I’m right.
When she wasn’t sobbing into my shirt she told her story of the past two years. The lump they found, the tests they did, finding out she had breast cancer and the surgery that didn’t get it all. Numerous treatments and surgeries have all been unsuccessful.
“I came home to spend time with Jason. I wanted to come see you but I didn’t know if you would let me explain. I guess I should have called or written you. I’ve been staying with Mom and Dad for just over a month.”
“Alex, is there anything else they can do?”
She looks down into her entwined fingers.
“No. I have six months. At most,” she says her face void.
Six months? No!
The doorbell rings and even though I don’t want to get up, I know that if I sit there I’m going to break down completely.
The mother of my child is going to die. I thought it was bad before not knowing where she was. However, finding out that in six months time we will have to bury her hurts my heart like nothing I have ever felt before.
“That might be my mom,” Alex says grabbing another tissue. “She is probably worried about me and I left her cell in the car.”
“It’s okay. I’ll get it.”
When I open the door I find what my heart was hoping for earlier. Noelle. Her blue eyes show through the darkness that the rain clouds have brought.
“Trent.” She breathes out looking helpless. “Can we talk?”
“Who is it?” Alex asks from behind me and Noelle’s face drops.
“Not right now, Noelle.”
She steps back, shocked, and I slowly close the door. I can’t deal with her right now. I have to focus on the bomb that Alex has dropped on me. If Noelle wants me, and if it’s meant to be, she will wait. She will understand.
He loves me?
“Noe.” Erin’s soft voice startles me as I watch Trent’s truck take off from the restaurant, and I wipe the lone tear sliding down my cheek. “Come back inside. He’ll cool off.”
Looking up to the crystal clear blue sky I silently pray for clarity.
“I’m hurting people, Erin. Not just me but others too. I can’t keep doing this.” All the air leaves my lungs, and I feel her arms wrap around me from behind.
Her breath is hot through my shirt as she speaks. “I know he is my brother and you are my best friend but I want you both to be happy. I know you’ll end up where you’re supposed to be.”
I was spouting off that same shit to her last year when Robert screwed around on her. Why is it so easy to say those things to someone else but not believe them yourself? What my heart wants has changed. I want love. I need to find it but this isn’t how to go about it. I’ve got to get my shit straight.
“I have to go. I’ll see you and Walker at two o’clock at my office, okay?” I turn around to show her I am fine but I can see she wouldn’t believe me if I said it aloud.
“Okay.” Her perfectly manicured hand comes up and slides another renegade tear off my face. “I love you and nothing that happens will change that. I know that you aren’t hurting anyone on purpose. You’re just in a crappy situation.”
“I know. I love you too, Er.”
I don’t bother going back inside to fix things with Jace. I would probably just end up screwing that up too. How can my usually standard life be so fucked up and chaotic now?
Two men and no clue which one I want.
Maybe I don�
��t deserve either.
~~
“Well, don’t you look craptastic?” Hadley’s hoarse voice calls out.
“Shut up, bitch.” My normally sarcastic greeting borders on serious. I don’t want to put up with her right now.
I love Hadley but sometimes she doesn’t know when to stop.
“Yes, ma’am.” She salutes me and spins in her chair back to her computer. “Messages are on your desk.”
“Thank you.” I haphazardly fall into the leather chair behind my desk that’s directly in front of hers.
I grab the messages and as I’m reading them I can feel her eyes burning into my skin. Looking up I can see she wants to ask but is trying with all her might not to.
“What?” I snap.
Nosy bitch.
“Erin called.”
My eyebrows rise. “I don’t see that message here?”
“She told me what happened.” She waits for my response, but I give her nothing. What is so hard to understand that I don’t want to talk about it?
“Noelle.” She sighs so heavy I can smell her afternoon coffee from here.
“Drop it, Had. I don’t want to talk about it. And since when do you and Erin co-conspire? Do I need to find new friends? I swear I’ll log onto match.com and find some new friends.” My fingers pound onto the keyboard. “Or some lesbians. Maybe I’ll find new lesbian friends and then I wouldn’t have fucking guy problems!”
“Don’t be so dramatic.” She launches a hair tie my way hitting me dead between the eyes and stands up prancing around. “Oh, woe is me. My name is Noelle and two guys are pining after me but yet I walk around like I have a stick up my ass.” Her eyes zero in on mine. “Knock it the fuck off and get yourself together. The Prescott wedding appointment will be here soon.”
I gawk at her like she has two heads. “I know that, dipshit. She’s my best friend unless you want me to step aside and let you be the maid of honor since you two are so buddy-buddy lately.”
Hadley ignores me for the next hour except when I have a task for her to complete, to which she grunts a response. At least I know my work life is in order unlike the mess I have created in my personal life.
When Walker and Erin show up, Savannah in tow, I jump up from my seat happy to have something to take my mind off of the repeated sound of Trent saying he loves me and the vision of him leaving.