After Nothing

by Rachel Mackie

  She disappeared from view, and I heard the door to her room shut.

  Dad’s crying had turned into big, long, tortured sobs.

  ‘Come on, Dad,’ I said. ‘Let’s get ready for Christmas morning.’

  That was the first time I ever saw my dad naked. My dad, the one I had before the strokes, would never have wanted me to bath him. It was me or no one now though, so I just got on and did it.

  As I was washing his back he stopped crying, and became very still. I realized how long it must have been since he’d felt hands on his skin – knowing by touch that someone cared for him.

  He shaved himself after his bath, and got himself dressed. Then I cooked us scrambled eggs for breakfast and also poured him his normal bowl of granola.

  When we sat down at the table I reached out and touched his hand.

  ‘Merry Christmas, Dad.’

  He picked up his spoon and began eating his granola.

  On Boxing Day, Dad wet his bed again. I went out, through snow turned to icy slush, and caught the bus to the mall, where I bought a rubber sheet for his bed.

  The following morning Dad was crying at the bottom of the stairs again. He was so upset that he had me in tears as well, sniffing away as I bathed him and then stripped the bed of his soaked sheets.

  The snow that had been white on Christmas Eve was dirty brown as I trudged my way to the bus stop yet again. This time I went to the supermarket and bought adult diapers.

  Melissa’s New Year’s Eve party was loud and fun. We got drunk on milky chocolate cocktails, danced and gossiped, and tried to act sober when Melissa’s parents checked in from the party they were at across the street.

  Callem was there. Whenever he and Melissa were in close proximity to each other, I watched them both to see if there was anything going on between them. I knew she was interested, but she didn’t give him any indication. In fact, I kind of thought her lack of interest in talking to him was almost to the point of being rude.

  At one stage I pulled her to one side and said as much.

  ‘Bitch, lower your voice,’ hissed Melissa. ‘And I’m not being rude. I’ve told you, Cal and I are just friends.’

  ‘From the way you’re acting, he would have no idea you’re into him.’

  ‘Good, because he’s not into me. And I’m not in his league.’

  ‘You so are.’

  ‘Nat, you know more than anyone that if Callem’s interested in a girl he makes sure she knows. Now, don’t bring him up again tonight. I need another drink. Yours is empty. Let’s do some shots.’

  We lined up a lot of shots. Callem was part of the group that joined us in the kitchen to knock them back. For the most part, he kept his distance from me. Which was fine, because I was occupied examining every appliance in the Pattersons’ kitchen, and looking through every well-stocked drawer and cupboard. It made me realise everything we didn't have at home. A decent mixer for starters. Our one at home didn’t even go. I’d had to hand mix the dough for the gingerbread at Christmas time.

  ‘Let’s do some baking,’ I said to Melissa as she handed me another shot, spilling half of it on the polished wood of the kitchen floor.

  ‘Awesome idea,’ agreed Melissa.

  We were looking through recipe books when Melissa’s cousin, Francie, came in from outside and told me Kane was waiting for me out by the gate.

  Kane had told me there was no way he could come to the party. He said New Year’s was a busy night for work.

  But he was standing there when I came staggered through the gate on my heels.

  I fell into his arms.

  ‘You came.’

  ‘Thought I’d take a break.’

  ‘You want to kiss me at midnight.’

  ‘You drunk, baby?’

  ‘Of course. You could kiss me now if you like.’

  ‘It’s cold,’ said Kane, hugging me as close as possible to him. ‘Where’s your coat?’

  ‘Don’t know. I’m going to kiss you.’

  And I did. I thought I was kissing him just fine, but he started laughing.

  ‘Kane. Please. I just want to kiss you.’

  ‘I want to do more than that. Here.’

  He shrugged out of his jacket, and put it over my shoulders.

  It was so cosy warm, and when I breathed in at the collar it smelt like him. I pulled my arms through the sleeves. It took me six tries before I got the zipper up.

  When I looked up I saw that Kane was standing at the closed gates of Melissa’s neighbor’s driveway. He was using the torch on his phone to direct light through the tall metal bars. He then put his phone back in his pocket and moved away from the gate, walking along the wall to where it was most shadowed. I followed him, and watched as he jumped and grabbed the top of the wall before pulling himself up.

  ‘I can’t get up there,’ I whispered.

  ‘Yeah, you can. Give me your hand.’

  ‘I’m wearing a skirt.’

  ‘Baby, give me your hand.’

  I handed him my heels first. The wall looked smooth, but it felt rough beneath my toes as Kane hauled me up. I got my own legs over, but he jumped down first and helped me down.

  He called me ‘Catwoman’ as I put my heels back on.

  For some reason I thought that was the funniest thing ever, and then nearly fell over backwards as one of my heels caught in the ground. Kane was close enough to stop me falling, but we triggered a sensor and the whole front garden lit up. I stood frozen, my eyes fixed on the symmetry of the Georgian-style mansion that had suddenly taken shape out of the darkness. I waited for someone to yell out, or alarms to go off. Instead I heard Kane softly curse behind me.

  He was looking up in awe at the curving figure just about leaning over us. It was the statue of a man, his weight forward as he held a flat plate-like object straight up behind him.

  ‘I’ve seen a picture of this,’ said Kane. ‘It’s Greek.’

  My eyes moved over it and beyond to dozens of statues, surrounded by low hedgerows.

  ‘Kane, we need to leave,’ I whispered as he moved toward the next statue.

  ‘They ain’t home. Come look at this.’

  ‘How do you know they’re not home?’

  ‘That drive ain’t been driven on since it last snowed. And their hall light tripped exact same time as the outside ones. You know what this is?’ He lightly placed his fingers on the stone foot of the naked man looming over us. ‘It’s a replica of Michelago’s David. Good one too.’

  ‘Why have they got all these statues?’

  ‘They into art.’

  ‘Naked men,’ I said, but Kane was already walking toward the next one. As if to prove me wrong, the next statue was actually a cluster of four partially clothed woman.

  ‘These are the seasons,’ said Kane. ‘You can tell by what they’re holding.’

  I looked at the one closest to me. I couldn’t tell what she was holding.

  ‘It’s wheat,’ said Kane, coming to stand beside me. ‘She’s Summer.’ My eyes went to the one holding a basket of flowers. ‘Spring,’ said Kane. ‘Fall has the grapes, and Winter has the cloak around her.’

  We looked at three more statues before the lights switched off, leaving us in the shadowed darkness of a seated naked man Kane had said was The Thinker.

  Kane’s arms went around me. ‘We move, we’ll probably trip the lights again. Only want to do that when we leave.’

  ‘You just want to stand here?’

  ‘Till midnight.’

  We both laughed because at that moment the countdown to midnight reached us. The voices were disjointed and out of time, coming from a number of different houses in the street.

  ‘Happy New Year’ rang out. Kane and I kissed.

  ‘Happy New Year, baby.’

  ‘Happy New Year.’

  I ran my index finger down his left cheek. I thought I’d sobered up a lot since coming outside, but my brain can’t have been communicating properly with my body, because instead of
stopping where I expected it to my finger dropped over the edge of his jaw and landed on his chest.

  ‘Can you take me home, Kane?’

  ‘You’re staying at Mel’s.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You told her you would.’

  ‘She won’t mind if you take me home.’

  ‘I gotta go back to work.’

  ‘Oh. Okay.’

  He kissed me. Gently.

  I pressed myself against him. ‘Remember, Kane. I belong to you.’

  ‘I wouldn’t forget that.’

  Back inside Melissa’s house I bypassed all the New Year’s well-wishers. Too many people wanted to laugh, and hug and kiss. There were drunken toasts someone tried to make me part of, but I was saved by a Justin Bieber remix blasting through the house. Suddenly the whole of the Pattersons’ downstairs living room area was a heaving dance floor.

  After mistakenly opening the two doors before Melissa’s, I was finally in her bedroom. Shutting the door, I turned off the light and lay face down on her bed.

  I stirred when the door opened, bright light shining in.

  ‘Nat,’ said Melissa loudly. ‘You’re not allowed to go to bed. Come back downstairs.’

  ‘Can’t.’

  ‘Nat,’ she said again, and this time my name was a complaint.

  ‘Sleeping,’ I murmured into her comforter.

  I heard her sigh.

  The last thing I felt before I fell asleep was Melissa pulling my heels from my feet, and then laying a soft blanket over me.

  18

  We were supposed to be going to a party being held at a club by Chuck, Kane’s tattoo artist friend and Callem’s cousin. But when I got to Kane’s place that evening, he was in no mood to go out.

  He was sorting through clothes, throwing most of them toward a growing pile in the corner of his room. I watched him pick up a stack of t-shirts from his broken couch and dump them on the top of the pile. I knew they’d already been washed, because I’d been the one to fold them two days earlier.

  ‘Those are clean,’ I ventured.

  ‘Yeah, most of this is clean. But it fucking stinks ’cause Wayne changed to some cheap-ass laundry powder and now all my clothes smell like shit.’

  ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘I just told you.’

  ‘Kane, I can tell something’s wrong.’

  Kane swore, and then without warning he kicked the wall. And then kicked it twice more. And then he punched his fist through it.

  He swore again, and sat down on his bed, burying his head in his hands.

  My eyes shifted backwards and forwards between the damaged wall and my boyfriend.

  ‘Everything’s fucked up,’ said Kane.

  I sat down beside him.

  Is your hand okay?’ I asked, checking for blood, and feeling relieved when there wasn’t any.

  ‘Whole house is a piece of shit,’ said Kane, staring at the wall.

  I could see his point. That flimsy wall wasn’t any kind of match for Kane’s toughened skin and hard bone and muscle.

  ‘You want to tell me what happened?’

  ‘Wayne had his girlfriend’s kids here last night. He already got them thinking they’re gonna be fighters. Shit, one of them isn’t even at school.’

  ‘You started young.’

  ‘Yeah, but Wayne … We had a fight. I said I don’t ever see him no more, and he said he’s where he’s always been, down at the gym. We both know that ain’t true though; he’s at his woman’s. I said if he wanted to move in with her then he should.’

  ‘Is he going to?’

  ‘No. I don’t know. Didn’t say he was. He said just ’cause he ain’t supporting what I’m doing that don’t mean I ain’t his boy anymore. That it’s always been him and me, but I’ve fucked him over so badly he can’t look at me right now.’

  ‘Everything’s so fucked, Nat. My rep is shot. All I’m good at is fighting and taking cars. I mean I’ve taken hits in the ring, and lost on points to older guys, but I’ve never once been knocked out. I hadn’t lost a fight in three years. And I miss not being able to take cars. I don’t even have that option now, ’cause round here I’m done. I was good at it. I never once had a car I couldn’t take, and I ain’t never been caught. I miss that feeling of not being a fuck-up.’

  ‘Stealing cars isn’t really men’s work though, is it?’

  Kane froze beside me.

  ‘Kane, you have to admit, it’s doing someone else’s dirty work. Fine when you’re young, but if it’s a lower risk then you’re better off in the shop. And if your rep is only about fighting and stealing cars, just get known for something else.’

  ‘That easy?’ said Kane, eyeing me.

  I shrugged. ‘Probably not.’

  ‘You think boosting cars isn’t men’s work?’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Depends on the car.’

  ‘I think you’re more than a car thief or a fighter.’

  ‘What else am I?’

  ‘An amazing artist, who doesn’t draw enough. And, like, a car expert. And you’re hot. And you’re my boyfriend.’

  ‘Last one’s a full-time job.’

  I would have feigned being insulted, but Kane’s arms were suddenly around me, and he forced me backward on the bed. He then moved over on top of me, holding himself up as he looked into my eyes.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘Not ditching me ’cause my rep’s shot.’

  ‘Maybe if it had happened before I fell in love with you …’

  A smile entered his eyes. ‘You’re happy, Nat.’

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘I can see it.’

  ‘I’m happy when I’m with you.’

  ‘It ain’t me. It’s you making you happy.’

  ‘Are we still going to go to Chuck’s party?’

  Kane nodded, but he was frowning and looking toward the wrecked wall.

  ‘Feel that?’ he said, moving off me.

  I followed him, and then we both stood staring at the holes in the wall, as a cool draft of air caused goosebumps to rise on my arms.

  ‘It’s going to be worse in the middle of the night. You’ll freeze down here until it’s fixed.’

  ‘Fuck it,’ said Kane. ‘Let’s just go to this party.’

  The club where Chuck’s party was being held was in an industrial area surrounded by railway lines. The building itself was more warehouse than club. It was huge and made entirely of ribbed metal. There were two bouncers standing in front of a small nondescript doorway: the only indication that it was the entrance to a club.

  The bouncers were dressed in suits, and were each holding a clipboard with paperwork attached. They were big men. Tall, with muscles that would have pumped a lot of iron. The biggest one gave Kane a nod and said, ‘What up, K-man,’ and the other called him brother. He and Kane shook hands and hugged.

  ‘What up, Dom?’ said Kane.

  ‘Where you been, nigga?’

  ‘You know. Around.’

  ‘Not enough, brother. Not enough.’

  Another group of people came up behind us. Kane shook hands with Dom again before guiding me inside.

  ‘How do you know them?’ I asked, as we walked up a long, barely lit hall.

  ‘Life before you, baby. Can’t hardly remember it though.’

  There wasn’t a chance to tease him back, because already the music was reverberating through the floor; as we rounded a corner its volume skyrocketed. Before us lights traveled across a moving sea of people; dancing, drinking, talking, laughing.

  The DJ was set up on the far side of the club, and to the right of us was the bar, eight bar staff moving at speed to keep up with demand. To the left of us were stairs leading up to a packed balcony that overlooked the dance floor.

  ‘Isn’t this a private party?’ I said, leaning toward Kane and raising my voice so he’d hear me.’

  ‘Yeah. But this is Chuck. He’s got more friends than an
yone. His clients be here too. Come on. We here; I need a drink.’

  Seemed like Kane knew everyone at that club. It took me all of two seconds to realize the girls Kane was introducing me to weren’t that happy to meet me. I can’t say I was too impressed by them either. I mean, I’d been known to not wear a lot of clothes, but I’d never come close to the amount of skin on show here: hot-pants that rode up butt cheeks, shoestring backless tops with plunging necklines that showed twice the amount of breast they concealed.

  One girl in particular added six-inch stilettos to the look. She had black and silver braids that almost reached her butt. She flicked those braids and laughed just about every time Kane spoke. At one stage she pulled her braids over one shoulder, revealing a tattoo of a phoenix that covered most of her back. From what I could tell it was a beautiful tattoo – the only thing about her that had any class. For example, her next move was to step away from the group, pretend to look at something across the club, and then rejoin the group by standing behind Kane and me. She touched Kane’s arm, and he turned toward her. She leant in and asked him if he’d spoken to Chuck yet. When he said no, she moved further forward, her body pressing into my arm. I moved away from her, and suddenly she was standing between Kane and me.

  I’d never seen someone so blatantly go after another girl’s man. It was almost funny, but I could also imagine how horrible it would be if I thought for a second Kane might be interested in her. I couldn’t help but compare the two of us though. The hot-pants and the strip of material clinging to her breasts were so tiny that she might as well have been wearing a bikini. I was wearing tight jeans, stiletto ankle boots, and a small fitted jacket over what was admittedly a reasonably skimpy gold tank top. She had a good body, but it was more muscles than curves. I reassured myself that if I had my bra-free breasts on display like she did, mine would have looked rounder and fuller, and they would have sat higher too.

  After a while I got pretty sick of watching her flirt one-sidedly with Kane, so I wandered away to see if I could spot Melissa. She and some of her group had managed to get an invite to the party through Callem, though none of them knew Chuck.

  I don’t know if it was the drink or watching the movement on the dance floor, but suddenly I was dying to dance.