After Nothing

by Rachel Mackie

  ‘I know the date’s been, but I think you should take this Saturday off work.’

  ‘I don't want to talk about this shit.’

  ‘For your birthday, I thought I’d give you a day.’

  ‘A day?’ he said, reaching for his drink.

  ‘Yes. A day when I’ll do anything you want.’ I swallowed before adding, ‘And let you do anything you want to me.’

  Kane put his drink back down.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You heard.’

  A slow smile crept across his face. ‘Anything I want? And you won’t argue or nothing?’

  ‘No, I’ll do whatever you say.’

  He gave this nod like he’d think about it, and went back to eating his dinner. Throughout the rest of the evening, though, I kept catching him looking at me, and when we were both brushing our teeth he smiled at me in the mirror the whole time.

  When we went to bed he said, ‘You know, Nat, there’s stuff I’ve been wanting to do, that you’re not –’

  ‘I know,’ I interrupted.

  ‘But you’ll do it?’

  ‘Yes, Kane, I’ll do anything you want.’

  He thumped his pillow and then grinned into it as he lay down.

  I picked up my phone and messaged Melissa. ‘It worked.’

  She messaged back immediately. ‘I told you.’

  Kane decided that he wanted me naked for the whole day. He told me the night prior, and then woke me up early. He pulled his t-shirt, which I’d worn to bed, off over my head. I’d barely had the chance to greet him with a ‘morning’ before he was inside me. It was hard and fast, and over so quickly it took me a moment to realize I wasn’t going to be getting off.

  ‘Are you kidding?’

  ‘Later,’ he said with a grin.

  I narrowed my eyes at him.

  ‘Breakfast?’ said Kane.

  I started to get out of bed.

  ‘No clothes,’ he reminded me.

  I threw the t-shirt I’d gone to sleep in at his face. He laughed.

  And that’s how the day went. Me naked and Kane ordering me round.

  It was a good day. Kane and I hadn’t laughed that much in forever. Especially when I moved around the house trying to avoid the windows that didn’t have curtains on them. We went out – I was allowed my coat and some shoes. We went to three coffee shops. Despite it being his day, Kane did that for me. I know he would rather have had me standing beside him at a video arcade or something, but he knew I had a new love of coffee shops. Trying to spy their kitchen layout if I could; the equipment they had. Noting coffee brands, and the quality of food they were selling.

  I picked up a few ideas – not many. It’s hard not to get distracted when your boyfriend keeps looking at you in a way that shows how aware he is that you’re naked under your coat. And especially when he glides a hand between your coat buttons, when you’re standing, or slides a hand up your thigh, when you’re sitting.

  We went to a movie. It was in its last week, and apart from three teens sitting near the front, the cinema was empty. The film was a horror: Kane’s choice. I barely got to watch a minute of it though. The cinema had just darkened and the opening credits just finished when Kane leaned toward me and spoke in my ear.

  After I’d gone down on him, and swallowed – at his request – Kane did up his fly and stood up.

  ‘Let’s go,’ he said, his breathing revealing that he hadn’t quite recovered yet.

  I was still on my knees, popcorn kernels digging into my skin.

  ‘We’re not going to watch the movie?’ I whispered.

  ‘Nah, we’re going home. I ain’t wasting a moment of this day.’

  I could actually see the glint in his eyes as he helped me up.

  ‘You have to remember you love me, Kane.’

  ‘You worried, baby?’

  I thought about it, and then shook my head. I trusted him, no matter what.

  Just then someone screamed as they got murdered with an ice pick in the movie.

  ‘I hope you’re having a good birthday, Kane.’

  ‘Baby, I’m having the best birthday.’

  34

  Kane told Bey and Reesey his real name and age the following week. We were at their place, and had just finished eating a chicken pie I’d cooked. We’d been doing that a few times since Reesey had had the baby. I’d make dinner for all of us, and then we’d take it across and eat at their place.

  It wasn’t like Reesey needed me to do that. She was completely under control with Joey’s arrival – running her house while being the most amazing mom. But we’d spent so much time together we were becoming more like family, and being in each other’s company was never awkward or annoying. And I loved any excuse to get my hands on Joey.

  We had all just moved to the living room so Reesey and I could gaze at Joey, awake and cooing on a sofa cushion, when Kane just came out with it. Told Bey and Reesey what Wayne had done.

  They were both great about it. Bey was adamant that Kane had earned his fights, saying that weight, not age, was the main factor.

  ‘But I always won,’ said Kane earnestly.

  ‘Not ’cause you older. You always the better fighter.’

  Kane wasn’t convinced. Bey leaned forward in his seat.

  ‘K-man, I’ve seen you kick a guy’s ass ten years older than you. Motherfucking gorilla, remember? None of us were gonna take him on.’

  ‘What guy?’ I asked sharply. ‘And who’s “us”?’

  Bey quickly reached for his drink. Reesey raised an eyebrow at him.

  ‘He was no one,’ said Kane.

  ‘Yeah, jus’ no one with a crowbar,’ replied Bey. ‘Smashed in the motherfucking windscreen of the car we in.’

  ‘Why did he do that?’ I asked suspiciously.

  ‘’Cause it was his car,’ said Bey. He was close to laughing, but one look at Kane killed the smile on his face. ‘Nigga, it’s called an age range; it was fair.’

  Kane glanced at me. I didn’t know what to say. I could hardly agree with Bey, because Kane and I both knew it wasn’t the exact truth. Some of his fights were unfairly in his favor. In the end I gave him a small smile. ‘Please don’t take on men with crowbars.’ He didn’t smile back.

  It was Reesey who eventually made him feel better. She told him how much she loved the name Alex, and said that if they hadn’t called the baby Joseph he would have been Alexander.

  ‘We thought about it for a middle name, but then we decided to keep it in case we have another boy,’ she said, casting a warm look in Bey’s direction. ‘Have you thought about making your name Kane Alexander?’ she continued, straightening in her seat. ‘Actually, that’s a really nice name. Or you could have two middle names, with Bryant as well?’

  It wasn’t what Reesey suggested. It was the way she spoke, and the way she looked when she spoke: like she really cared, and it was just as important to her as it was to you.

  It worked. We all relaxed; Kane shifted the conversation between him and Bey back to sport, and Reesey and I returned to doting on Joey.

  I started going to my old church again. I hadn’t been since Mom had kicked me out of home. If it wasn’t for Reesey deciding to attend, I probably wouldn’t have gone back. Reesey hadn’t had a religious upbringing, but she had decided she wanted to know more about being a Christian. Reverend Joe’s church was the only one she would attend, and she asked me to come with her the first time. Once I was there I realized how much I’d missed it.

  Reverend Joe’s church wasn’t the most convenient to where we lived, but Kane had bought a car a month back, and if Bey wasn’t around Kane would always drop Reesey, Joey and me off and then pick us up afterward.

  One night Reesey and Bey told Kane and me that they’d decided to get Joey baptized. They asked us to be his godparents. I was ecstatic. Kane was hesitant and really worried about it. Straight up, he told Bey and Reesey that he didn’t know if he believed in God.

  ‘I don’t believe in no God
,’ said Bey.

  ‘Yes, you do,’ said Reesey.

  ‘Kane,’ I said, ‘you’ve told me you think there’s something more than just us. Something that can’t be explained. And anyway, I believe in God enough for both of us.’

  Bey shrugged at Kane.

  ‘Keep the bitches happy, bro.’

  Reesey and I hugged.

  ‘Thank you for choosing us.’

  ‘Nat, there’s no way I’d choose anyone else.’

  When Julie, Reverend Joe’s wife, invited us to dinner, Kane and Bey were included in the invitation. They both came: Kane reluctantly, Bey much more happy about it, although he looked just as bashful as Kane when Reverend Joe said he was missing them both each Sunday. Reesey and I were surprised he’d noticed – since his arrival, that church had gotten so popular there was barely standing room some Sundays.

  The reverend left it at that though, and changed the subject to sports, which Kane and Bey both seized on. Soon, to Julie’s chagrin, they had the television on and were watching a game.

  It was a big house, and had had lots of additions to it over the years. Even though it was on the neighboring property to the church, it had a big conference room out to one side of it, specifically for church meetings. Near the roadside there was also a small self-contained unit for visitors.

  Since I’d last been there, Revered Joe and Julie had made some changes. They’d painted inside and out, and there was new carpet, and a brand new kitchen. They’d renovated the self-contained unit for visitors to the church, and they’d also pushed out some walls in the house to make a couple of the bedrooms bigger for the foster kids they took in.

  That night, there were five foster kids there, in addition to the Drummonds’ own four kids. One of them, a girl about eleven, did not talk once the entire evening. Another two, seven-year-old twin boys, were unable to sit still for two seconds, and yelled rather than spoke.

  Later that same night, Reesey and I were outside with Julie, admiring the roses she had nurtured into full bloom along the long brick wall that ran behind the house.

  Reesey’s admiration was a lot more genuine than mine. When she inhaled the scent of a dusky pink rose, she murmured the word ‘heavenly’. I sniffed it and thought it smelled too sweet. I didn’t say so though; just made a sound like I liked the smell. Then Julie confided to us that she and the reverend were in the process of adopting two of the kids they were fostering.

  ‘How do you choose which kids?’ I asked her.

  ‘It’s difficult,’ admitted Julie. ‘But for now we’re just taking the two who need us most.’ She named two sisters, who’d been nearly as badly behaved as the twin boys throughout dinner. ‘Our last neighborhood was nothing like this. There was abuse, sure; that’s everywhere. But it wasn’t so blatant. These children are just being continuously thrust at us, and we’re having to tell social services we can’t take any more right now. Even having Sarah working full time helping me care for them, we can’t take any more.’

  I always made sure to speak to Aunt Sarah after church, and she’d always update me on each of the kids under her care.

  ‘She says that you work too hard,’ I said, lightly pressing my finger to a thorn, and quickly pulling it away when it jabbed me harder than I expected.

  ‘She works too hard,’ said the reverend’s wife. ‘But she’s too stubborn to say when it’s too much for her. Some days I think she’s going to collapse from running around after all these kids.’

  ‘I’m not working,’ said Reesey suddenly, straightening from her close inspection of a yellow rosebud. ‘I could help. That is, if you’ll have me.’

  Reesey’s smile was tentative, but her expression was earnest.

  Julie also smiled.

  ‘That’s kind, and if you weren’t a new mom I’d say yes. But you’ve got your hands full raising your own little one. He’s so new to the world – he needs all your love and attention for the time being. That’s how I raised my babies, and right now I’m glad that for a time they were my whole world. It’s what makes them strong now, when they’re having to cope with all these new faces coming in and out of their lives.’

  ‘I could still help a little,’ offered Reesey. ‘As long as I can bring Joey with me. Just to give you or Sarah a break every now and then. I’ll talk to Beyden about it, but I know he won’t mind.’

  ‘How about you wait till Joey’s a little older, then we can look at it? There’s nothing worse you can do to yourself or him than interrupt his routine. Have the first year with him, Reesey. You don’t get it again.’

  They went back to discussing the roses, while I stayed silent. I wasn’t going to offer to help, that was for sure. There were nine kids at that house. I wasn’t spending my spare time looking after nine kids. Early the following Sunday morning, though, I found myself in the kitchen baking a double batch of chocolate chip cookies. Every Sunday after that I made sure to drop off baking at the Drummonds’ house before church.

  35

  Kane and me, we had money now. We weren’t rolling in it, but it was enough for us. Like I said, he’d bought a car – a Hyundai. It was old, but it was decent. At least I thought so. Bey hooted with laughter when he saw it, and said, ‘At least no one gonna steal that, K-man.’

  Then one night he and Teige did steal it. We were watching television and Kane heard it start up. He ran outside just as they drove off, wheels screeching.

  ‘At least you know what it feels like,’ I offered.

  It was the wrong thing to say. A door got slammed. Then Bey got an abusive phone call. Fortunately, by the time Bey and Teige brought the car back, Kane had calmed down. When Bey came into the house laughing so hard he had tears streaming down his face, it wasn’t long before Kane was laughing with him.

  Kane worked a lot. His normal work hours were spent doing auto repair for his apprenticeship. Outside of that he customized cars at his work, but on his own time. It meant a lot of late nights and weekends. It was where his extra money came from: that and the bonuses from the deals he was continuing to secure with businesses that ran fleets. Kane would have made a whole lot more if his boss had given him a proper commission rather than just a ‘bonus’ when he secured a deal. But his boss wasn’t like that, and Kane wouldn’t push it.

  He had a plan. He said that what was most important to him was finishing his mechanics apprenticeship. Second to that were the relationships he was building with his custom work and fleet contracts.

  ‘I need both those things,’ he told me, ‘when I set up my own business.’

  We decided to move. We could afford to pay more rent. Also, we didn’t want to get another cat. Even though it was months since Tank had died, we both still felt raw about it. I don’t think either of us could face the thought of falling in love with another cat, only to lose it again.

  I went over to share our news with Reesey.

  She unlocked the door but didn’t wait for me to enter, saying she was just in the middle of something but to come in.

  She disappeared into the bathroom, and I sat down on the rug next to Joey, who returned my smile with a whole lot of arm waving. At six months, he’d just started sitting on his own, and boy was he proud about it. He was a bit unsteady still, and I had to rescue him a couple of times from toppling over.

  I swear, the older he got, the cuter he got. He had big brown eyes, with really long black eyelashes, and round kissable cheeks. He didn’t look much like Reesey. In fact I imagined he looked like what Bey would have looked like if his uncle hadn’t kicked his face in.

  Joey and I chatted away for some time: Joey in baby language, me in English, but using a ridiculous baby voice. I was praising him for repeatedly giving me and then reclaiming the same yellow block when Reesey came out of the bathroom.

  Her eyes were red-rimmed, and her cheeks flushed.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I said, straightening.

  She burst into tears.

  I got up and hugged her, and continued to hold her whi
le she sobbed in my arms.

  ‘Reesey, what’s happened?’

  ‘Beyden came home wasted this morning. He didn’t sleep, he just played video games until he left again this afternoon.’

  ‘Did you talk to him about it?’

  ‘I couldn’t. Not when he’s like that. It would have ended in a fight.’

  I sat down with her and listened, but I didn’t have any advice to offer, except to say I would get Kane to talk to him.

  Kane wouldn’t talk to him. We were doing the dishes when I brought up the subject, and he made me so mad that rather than hand him the glass I’d just washed, I threw it at him.

  I missed, but it really pissed him off. It also kind of scared me. The last time I’d thrown something at him that hard, it hadn’t ended well for either of us. Also, we didn’t have many glasses, and now one of them lay smashed on the floor.

  ‘Natalie. Fuck! What’s the matter with you?’

  ‘You have to talk to him. Reesey needs you to.’

  ‘It’s nothing to do with me, and it’s nothing to do with you either. Just stay out of it.’

  ‘Kane, she’s devastated.’

  ‘They’ll sort it out.’

  ‘But we’re Joey’s godparents.’

  ‘What’s that gotta do with anything?’

  ‘I don’t want him to be in danger.’

  Kane frowned at me. ‘Bey’s come home fucked up once, and now Joey’s in danger?’

  ‘You don’t know everything.’

  ‘I don’t want to know everything, Nat, ’cause it’s none of our fucking business.’

  I picked up another soapy glass from the sink.

  ‘Don’t even think about it,’ warned Kane.

  He held his hand out for the glass. I gave it to him.

  Reesey turned twenty-two a couple of days later. We had a chicken roast for dinner. I cooked it at home and then Kane and I took it across to her and Bey’s so Joey could sleep in his crib in his own bedroom.

  During dinner I gave Reesey her gift. It was some tiny gold cross earrings. She put them in her ears straightaway.