After Nothing

by Rachel Mackie

  ‘What?’ said Kane, looking up.

  ‘Can you watch him for a moment? Please. Just give him something to play with, he’ll be happy.’

  ‘I thought he was having a shower.’

  ‘Just two minutes, Kane. I honestly haven’t had even two minutes to myself today.’

  ‘Yeah, okay, whatever,’ said Kane, eyeing Joey like he was a suspicious packet left in the middle of the street.

  I made it as far as the front doorstep before the cold stopped me in my tracks. Snow had been forecast that day, but it hadn’t arrived. It felt like it wasn’t far away though. It was too dark to make out any low-lying cloud, but the air was still, and had that dry coldness that just about burns the inside of your nose.

  I grabbed my hat and coat from just inside the front door, but paused as I was doing my coat up. Water was running: Kane had turned the shower on. I nearly checked on them, but then I heard Kane’s voice – he sounded calm. I braced myself against the cold and went back outside, walking down the front steps to the small garden that sheltered the apartment from the road. When Joey and I had first moved in, there had been a few blown roses still lingering. As my eyes adjusted to the dark I could make out, in their place, bare thorny stems and a couple of leaves, wizened by the frosts and miraculously still clinging on. I thought back to the evening Reesey and I had wandered the gardens with Julie. For one moment I glimpsed Reesey as she inhaled the scents of the large billowy roses at the other end of the property.

  ‘Come back,’ I whispered.

  I stayed out there for what felt like ages: blowing puffs of cold, my legs nearly frozen through.

  The door to the apartment opened, showing Kane silhouetted against the light. Joey was in his arms wrapped in a towel, Kane’s half-turned body shielding him against the cold.

  The sound of him calling to me brought me inside.

  ‘Baby, it’s cold as fuck out there,’ Kane said, closing the door behind me as I came back into the apartment’s warmth. ‘What the fuck are you doing?’

  ‘You showered Joey.’

  Kane grunted in response, and Joey leaned toward me as he was handed over.

  He smelled of baby and soap, and I kissed his round cheek and ran a hand over the tight damp curls that had finally started to grow on his head.

  He grinned at the blue elephants on his towel, speaking in baby talk with a few very definite dad-das thrown in.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said to Kane.

  He shrugged and said he’d go get us a pizza for dinner.

  When he came back I was struggling to get Joey to sleep, so we didn't even get the chance to eat together.

  Kane left while Joey was still crying. Before he went he kissed me. Like, really kissed me. I almost stopped hearing Joey it was that good of a kiss.

  Joey’s crying woke me. I checked my phone. 3:58 am.

  I didn’t need to turn on lights. I barely needed to open my eyes to make my way to his room.

  From the soft glow from his night-light I saw him sitting at one end of his crib.

  ‘Hi. It’s all right,’ I said, reaching down for him. I lifted him up and cuddled him against me. He cried harder, and his forehead briefly pressed against my chin. Heat. Not just warmth but a real heat. I pressed the palm of my hand to his forehead, and then switched on his bedroom light. We both blinked at the brightness.

  ‘Mom-mom-mom-mom.’

  His nose was streaming, and he used his fists to rub at his distressed face, spreading mucus and tears further.

  ‘You’re okay,’ I said, moving across the hall and into the bathroom. The baby thermometer was kept in the top drawer. When I opened it, it caught. I yanked at it twice before remembering the new safety catches.

  Joey came close to screaming when I located the thermometer and put it in his ear.

  104.

  Despite his protests I checked the other ear. 104.

  That was high. Fuck. That was really high.

  I searched ‘baby’ and ‘fevers’ on my phone. I attempted to make him up a bottle, while holding him, and skimming some pages on the internet.

  I dropped the bottle in the sink as I tried to screw the top on with one hand. Milk went everywhere. Joey momentarily stopped crying as he peered at the sink.

  Fever reducers stuck out on every page I read. I thought I had some kids’ ibuprofen in the bathroom. The damn safety catches nearly had me swearing. That and the fact the ibuprofen wasn’t there. I went back to the kitchen and emptied three cupboards looking for it. Joey started crying again.

  ‘Shhh,’ I said, jiggling Joey in my arms. He cried harder.

  ‘It’s okay; you’re okay,’ I said, giving up on finding the ibuprofen and making up another bottle of formula. When I tried to give it to him he wouldn’t drink it.

  I looked around me, and realized I was completely alone, and totally out of my depth. I didn’t know what to do. We were too far from the Drummonds for them to hear him crying, and if I went over there, we’d wake up the whole house.

  Diaper bag.

  I suddenly remembered I’d put the ibuprofen in his bag at the beginning of the week. Between his cold and the ever-present threat of new teeth, it had just been a precaution in case Julie or Aunt Sarah needed it. I tipped the diaper bag upside down in the middle of the living area. It wasn’t there – which meant it was either in the Drummonds’ house, or at Aunt Sarah’s.

  Joey was crying so much he was beside himself, hands waving and hitting at his head. I held him close and rocked him.

  For one moment I was lost. I nearly started crying myself, before my own voice said loudly in my head, ‘What the fuck are you doing, Natalie? He’s sick. Ring Julie.’

  I rang. Her phone was switched off.

  I rang Kane.

  He heard Joey crying before I had time to speak.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, an edge of panic to his voice.

  ‘Joey’s sick.’

  ‘Does he need a doctor?’

  ‘I don’t know. His temperature is 104, but the internet says different things. I think I should give him ibuprofen. Can you bring some over?’ Joey wailed more loudly, his face screwed up. ‘Actually, I want him to see a doctor. Can you come get us?’

  ‘Do you want me to call an ambulance?’

  ‘No, I don’t think so. I don’t know. Just come get us.’

  It wasn’t even five minutes before there was a knock at the back door, and I heard a male voice saying my name. I opened it and cold air rushed in, along with a scattering of snow. It wasn’t Kane standing there, but Reverend Joe. He looked like he’d gotten dressed in a hurry, but his voice was calm, and he greeted me as though it wasn’t four in the morning and Joey wasn’t screaming in my arms.

  ‘Come here, little man,’ he said, taking Joey out of my arms. He continued to make soothing noises, and Joey’s cry changed to breathless sobs, as though he was trying to tell Reverend Joe what was wrong with him.

  ‘Kane called you,’ I said, realizing that I should have done the same thing.

  ‘He did. What’s going on?’

  ‘He’s got a fever of 104. In both ears. And I don’t have any medicine for him here. I think it’s at your place or Aunt Sarah’s. But you’ve probably got some anyway. And he won’t take a bottle.’

  ‘Right,’ said Reverend Joe, who’d been watching Joey the whole time. ‘He needs a doctor.’

  Just like that. Decision made.

  ‘The internet says to give him ibuprofen for his fever.’

  ‘We will, but he’s in pain. Ears, I’d say.’

  My eyes went to Joey as one of his hands whacked the side of his head. Again. He’d been doing that. I hadn’t even related it to his ears.

  Reverend Joe must have seen the look on my face.

  ‘Years of experience, Natalie. Why don’t you get dressed and tell Kane to meet us at the urgent care a block over? Joey and I will go find him some medicine.’

  I went and got Joey his brown blanket, and then they were go
ne.

  The apartment was quiet. My ears rang with the silence.

  I made up another bottle, and felt a moment of embarrassment when I got dressed and realized Reverend Joe had seen me in an old t-shirt of Kane’s that, although modest enough that it came down to my knees, had ‘Gangsta Gonna Get Some’ on the front.

  When Kane found us in the waiting room Joey was close to asleep in my arms. He spoke to Reverend Joe first, shaking his hand and saying, ‘Thanks for helping us out.’

  Reverend Joe looked at him a moment, and then nodded. ‘It’s not a problem, Kane.’

  ‘He okay?’ Kane asked me.

  ‘His temperature’s still up.’

  Kane’s hand briefly touched Joey’s head. Then he ducked his head and kissed me.

  ‘You okay?’

  ‘Worried.’

  ‘Yeah, I bet,’ said Kane.

  Reverend Joe and Kane talked. They talked about cars, and a conference coming up that Reverend Joe was going to. They talked about Kane’s job, and basketball, and they predicted, differently, who was going to win the Super Bowl. They talked like they knew each other better than I thought they did. How would Reverend Joe know Wayne ran some classes teaching martial arts to special needs adults? I didn’t even know that.

  I didn’t talk. I just cuddled Joey against me while he slept, and every now and then pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his head. Reverend Joe offered to hold him, but I wouldn’t let him go. Not even when one of my arms fell asleep from the weight of him.

  The doctor woke him. Joey screamed as she examined him, and when he wasn’t screaming, he cried out ‘mom-mom-mom’ while clinging to me.

  ‘He has an ear infection,’ said the doctor.

  While we were making our way back down to the hospital entrance, Reverend Joe suggested to Kane that he come back to the apartment.

  ‘I think Natalie could use some support this morning.’

  Kane’s eyes narrowed, but his voice was quiet when he said, ‘I was planning to anyway.’

  Reverend Joe came to a stop at the traffic lights. The snow that had fallen was barely visible: just a few patches here and there where it had clumped together. The street was empty except for Kane coming to a stop behind us. Even though Reverend Joe was driving excruciatingly slowly, Kane hadn’t once overtaken him, and Kane hated it when people drove slowly.

  I looked behind me. The streetlights revealed Joey’s closed eyes and the steady movement of his chest rising and falling.

  ‘He cries more now,’ I said, turning forward in my seat. ‘When he was with Reesey he hardly used to cry at all. Now he cries all the time. He misses Reesey.’

  ‘I’m sure he does,’ agreed Reverend Joe. ‘Beyden too.’

  Unable to help myself, I glanced back at Joey again. Still breathing. Still asleep.

  ‘I’m sorry I’m still working full time,’ I said. ‘I know it would be better for Joey if I wasn’t. I won’t go in today. Or tomorrow. Or however long he’s sick, if he’s still sick.’

  ‘You do what works for you.’

  The traffic light turned green, and Reverend Joe turned onto his street.

  ‘I wouldn’t ask Julie to look after Joey when he’s sick,’ I said.

  ‘Julie’s probably got more experience with sick kids than that doctor we just saw. Don’t worry about her. Besides, unlike you, she’s had a good night’s sleep.’

  ‘What you did tonight … I can’t thank you enough. You’ve probably got a full day too.’

  ‘I’ve spent more than a few sleepless nights with sick kids, Natalie. Never done me any harm. None too fond of vomiting though. Now that’s the worst.’ Reverend Joe grinned. ‘Vomit on the bed, vomit in the bed, vomit on the floor beside the bed. I tell you, Natalie, I hate cleaning up vomit.’

  It was so strange, but also so normal. This man preached sermons to hundreds and hundreds of people each week, passing on the teachings of Jesus to a congregation who followed his every word, and here he was discussing cleaning up children’s vomit.

  I looked over into the backseat again.

  ‘He must have been in some pain,’ I said.

  ‘I think so. But he had you there with him the whole time. Holding him, comforting him. It’s the most important thing with children, that they don’t feel alone.’

  ‘And that they feel wanted,’ I added.

  Reverend Joe glanced at me as he pulled in through the first set of church gates. He followed the drive around to the house, but rather than open the garage he parked outside the apartment.

  Kane pulled up beside us.

  ‘Still, I am sorry I interrupted your sleep,’ I said to Reverend Joe. ‘And that I didn’t know what I was doing.’

  ‘You knew exactly what to do, Natalie: you asked for help.’

  Reverend Joe opened the backdoor to his car. Before I could get round there he was unclipping Joey and lifting him out, all wrapped up in his blanket. Joey stirred, and complained half-heartedly.

  ‘Here you go,’ said Reverend Joe.’

  He gave Joey to Kane, not me. We both stood there stupidly for a moment. Me empty-handed, Kane with Joey lying lengthwise in his arms.

  ‘Better get him inside,’ said Reverend Joe, looking up at the lightening sky. ‘And try to get some sleep.’ He got back in his car, reversing it the distance to the garage while Kane, Joey and I went into the apartment.

  ‘Put him in his crib?’ said Kane.

  I nodded.

  When he came back out I asked him if he was hungry.

  ‘No, I just want to fuck you.’

  ‘Here?’

  ‘Don’t care where, as long as it’s now.’

  ‘Are you angry?’

  ‘Not at you. Where can we do it?’

  ‘I feel bad doing it in their bed. What about the laundry?’

  ‘Works for me,’ said Kane, already pulling layers of clothing up and over his head.

  45

  I was only able to take that day off work. Within twenty-four hours Joey seemed fine, but I wanted to stay home with him to be extra sure he was okay. Also, I was tired. Just about dead-on-my-feet tired. Tired to the point that when Joey rubbed the remains of his dinner, which consisted of mashed potato and a pureed beef stew, all over his face and then pushed his bowl off the high chair tray, I had to mentally force myself to pick the bowl up. Just the action of taking three steps to get it felt close to impossible.

  When Harold finally returned my call I was just about to go to bed. He flat-out refused to let me have another day away from work.

  ‘I’m doing the accounts tomorrow,’ I said, ‘so I’ve already got Shayne coming in to cover me. It would just mean that rather than working in the room out the back, I work from home.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Harold, I need to stay home tomorrow.’

  ‘If you’re not at work tomorrow you’re fired,’ said Harold, and hung up.

  I consoled myself with the fact that at least tomorrow was Friday. Then I’d have two days just Joey and me.

  Joey woke just after midnight. I broke all my own rules and took him into bed with me. He fell back asleep right away, and I would have too, except he kept moving in his sleep, and made lots of sounds. Rather than get up and put him back in his bed, I spent the rest of the night in a twilight sort of sleep in which even his slightest murmur disturbed me.

  I watched Kelsey count every coin, and every note.

  ‘I know how to do this,’ said Kelsey, glancing at me annoyed.

  ‘It’s just really important it’s right, and if it’s out you need to text me and tell me. Even if it’s just a quarter.’

  ‘You’ve already said that.’

  ‘Nat, can I speak to you?’ I spared Antoine a quick glance.

  ‘In a minute.’

  ‘It’s kind of important,’ snapped Antoine.

  ‘So is this. Just give me a minute.’

  Antoine was waiting in the small windowless room out the back, which doubled as my office. He didn’t
say anything while Kelsey locked the cash away in the office safe, but the moment she was gone, and before I even had the chance to sit down, he launched into a long list of the ways in which I was treating him badly.

  ‘It’s illegal to discriminate against me,’ he said.

  ‘Discriminate?’

  ‘Ever since you found out you hardly speak to me. You haven’t even asked me anything about it. You’re my boss and you find out I’m HIV-positive and you say nothing? Not even that you’re sorry to hear that.’

  ‘I was sorry to hear it, but you seem to be doing great.’

  ‘Doing great? With a death sentence? Yeah right,’ said Antoine, his eyes welling with tears.

  ‘I meant, you seem well.’

  ‘Well, I’m not. I’m sick.’

  ‘Do you want some time off?’

  Tears spilled down his face. ‘You don’t even care, do you? We’ve all been covering for you, and supporting you. Did you even think of that?’

  I looked down at my hands. They were shaking. I moved them off the desk and down into my lap.

  ‘I need some help,’ said Antoine.

  ‘Okay, I’ll talk to Diane. Do you want time off?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Want do you want?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ He broke down sobbing.

  I couldn’t move. I watched him cry, but really I wanted him as far away from me as possible.

  Diane came into the office. She looked between us and then put a hand on Antoine’s shoulder.

  ‘He wants help,’ I said to her. ‘But he doesn’t want to take any time off.’

  ‘I just need to be able to talk about it.’

  ‘If Harold finds out he’ll want you to leave,’ I said.

  Diane frowned and shook her head at me. Antoine cried harder.

  ‘It’s the truth,’ I said. ‘It would be better if you didn’t tell anyone else at work.’

  ‘If I had cancer I could,’ said Antoine. ‘Then I could talk about it, and you’d care.’

  ‘Antoine, if you had cancer, Harold would want you to leave then as well. He would be worried about what it would cost him. Me looking after a baby is a gigantic problem for him. He wouldn’t be able to get his head around you having HIV.’