DuckStar / Cyberfarm

by Hazel Edwards

  ‘Ah, you must be the Director,’ Cate said.

  The Director, thought Duck. I’d better follow him and learn as much as I can.

  ‘I’m the Cate who spoke to you on the phone.’

  ‘Great, great,’ said the Director. ‘Have you got the Extras on stand-by?’

  ‘Sheep and Goat are waiting beside the water tank,’ said Cate.

  Duck looked. Sheep and Goat looked stiff. Too much hairspray, thought Duck. Or maybe they were rehearsing... standing still?

  ‘We’re nearly ready to roll,’ said the Director.

  Is Cow going to do forward rolls into tubs of Fake-Yo? thought Duck.

  ‘Roll?’ asked Cate. ‘You mean start filming?’

  ‘Sorry,’ said the Director. ‘We do have our own jargon in the TV world.’

  ‘Jargon,’ thought Duck. ‘I know some TV jargon from Cate’s book.’

  The Director called, ‘Where’s the Talent?’ to a woman with a clipboard.

  ‘She’s in the caravan getting her milkmaid costume on,’ the woman called back to him.

  Duck noticed how many people were needed to make a commercial. There were people with headsets on and others carrying cables.

  ‘Get a move on,’ snapped the Director. ‘Time is money.’

  Duck wondered how you sold time.

  Cow didn’t look happy on the fake grass wearing a silly ribbon. Beside her a man was trying to stack the Fake-Yo tubs in a pyramid shape but they kept wobbling.

  I’d better cheer her up. That’s what friends are for, Duck thought and headed for Cow.

  The Director and crew were gathered around the Talent. She had just stepped out of the caravan and the Director was telling her what to do in the Commercial.

  ‘Cow, are you ready to roll?’ asked Duck.

  ‘No. Fake-Yo isn’t made from milk. So why use a cow? I feel a fake.’ Cow was definitely unhappy.

  ‘The grass is fake too,’ said Duck. ‘But our farm is real and we’re going to save it. Let’s roll.’

  ‘Roll where?’ Cow looked puzzled.

  ‘Where the Director tells you.’ Duck liked using this new jargon.

  ‘Oh, what a gorgeous duck,’ said a new voice.

  Duck looked up into the powdered face of the Talent in her milkmaid costume.

  ‘Can he sit on my lap while I’m milking the cow?’

  Duck gave his cutest ‘Quack’ and wiggled his tail feathers.

  ‘Okay, we’ll use the duck,’ said the Director.

  It worked — he was going to be a paid TV Star!

  ‘Bring on the Extras,’ the Director yelled.

  Bursting with pride, Sheep and Goat moved stiffly onto the fake grass.

  ‘They look like pom pom balls not farm animals,’ yelled the Director. ‘Muddy them up!’

  ‘It took hours to look like this,’ moaned Sheep as Make-Up sloshed mud over them.

  ‘Will I powder the Duck’s nose?’ asked Make-Up.

  ‘Just wash his feet,’ said the Director.

  ‘YOOOWWW!’ Cold tap water was squirted all over Duck.

  ‘Eeeeeek.’ He was rubbed hard with a towel.

  ‘Yuk.’ They sprayed his feathers with styling gel.

  Duck was plonked into the Talent’s lap. ‘Hello gorgeous,’ smiled the Talent sitting on a stool beside Cow with a bucket at her feet and the pyramid of Fake-Yo beside her.

  ‘The perfect farmyard scene,’ called the Director. ‘Check lighting and sound.’

  The Boom Operator held the long mike over the Talent’s head. ‘I can hear clearly,’ he called.

  Best Boy checked the light meter. ‘Okay, the light’s good, better roll before the sun gets too hot.’

  ‘Roll it!’ yelled the Director.

  So Duck rolled. He did a forward roll into the bucket which rattled as it rolled sideways in three beautiful loops.

  ‘Oh no!’ yelled the crew as the bucket rolled into muddy Sheep who slipped into muddy Goat who slid towards the pile of Fake-Yo.

  ‘Look out!’ yelled Make-Up as the pyramid toppled right and left and landed with a huge SPLAT all over Cow and the Talent.

  Blotches of strawberry Fake-Yo covered the Talent’s face. She looked like she had chicken pox. Lumps of Fake-Yo dripped from Cow’s nose. Fake-Yo covered the crew, the camera and the yard.

  Duck peeked over the rim of the bucket. ‘Uh- oh.’

  The crew mopped up, the Director yelled at the sky and Make-Up gave up!

  ‘That’s it. Strike the set. We’re clearing out of here. I’ll use animation,’ stormed the Director as he left. The crew packed up. The animals watched, stunned.

  ‘So that’s that!’ said Cate. ‘We won’t get paid and the farm will go.’

  ‘Oh no,’ cried the animals.

  ‘We sure made a mess of our first TV job.’

  ‘Fake-Yo doesn’t taste as good as my milk,’ said Cow.

  ‘I agree,’ said Cate as she wiped Cow’s nose.

  The Camera Man came up to Cate. He was still laughing. ‘I got it all on film. It was sooooo funny. Can I keep it?’

  ‘Sure. Just make us a copy. We’ll watch it together and laugh,’ said Cate.

  ‘I’ll do better than that,’ said the Camera Man.

  ‘I wonder what he means by that?’ said Cate.

  Chapter 5

  TV Stars!

  Duck was pleased that someone enjoyed the performance. However, they still had a problem. That Safety Report!

  Safety Report.

  Fix these or the farm will close.

  Smelly toilets.

  Pond needs fence.

  Duckboards over mud.

  Signed

  Mr Safe T. Rex

  ‘How will we save the farm?’ cried the animals.

  ‘We’ll build the duckboards first,’ directed Duck.

  Sheep found the nails. Goat got the hammer. Duck found some bits of wood.

  Parrot told them what to do.

  ‘Hit here,’ he ordered.

  Goat missed.

  ‘Another nail,’ said Parrot.

  Sheep missed.

  It was hard to hold the hammer with his beak but Duck tried.

  It didn’t work.

  ‘Doesn’t look safe to me,’ said Parrot.

  ‘Any kid who walks on that duckboard will sink,’ said Goat.

  ‘Oh dear,’ said Sheep. ‘We still have to do the toilets!’

  That was a bad job.

  ‘We’ll never finish,’ said Sheep.

  ‘We’ll think of something,’ said Duck, trying to cheer them up.

  On Monday, Cate got an important phone call. She called a meeting.

  ‘We’ll be on TV tonight,’ said Cate.

  ‘On the news?’ asked Goat.

  ‘No,’ said Cate. ‘The Funniest Home Video Show. The Camera Man entered us.’

  That night, Cate made popcorn and they all watched the TV.

  ‘Maybe we’ll win a prize,’ said Goat.

  But they didn’t.

  ‘We were funny,’ said Duck.

  They all agreed.

  ‘There’s the Camera Man.’ Parrot pointed to a face on the screen. ‘He’s talking to all the viewers.’

  ‘If you enjoyed this video, send donations to the Children’s Farm. The crew gave $1,000 and the farm needs $4,000 more to make the farm safer for children.’

  ‘That’s what he meant!’ Cate clapped her hands. ‘Everyone will donate after seeing that performance!’

  ‘My porridge will have sultanas again,’ said Pig.

  Duck smiled. His directing had worked, sort of, and this Farm Gig was certainly rolling along.

  Chapter 1

  Feral Peril

  Cate raced across the yard calling, ‘Get ready, everyone. Here come the visitors. I can hear the children.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Parrot. ‘It begins.’

  ‘Look Mum. There’s a parrot.’

  ‘Polly want a cracker?’ A child pushed a biscuit into Parrot’s beak.
r />   ‘Careful darling, he might bite.’

  Parrot did a back flip onto the barn roof. He winked at Duck as he called out, ‘Polly want a cracker.’ Then he tight-rope-walked along the gutter.

  The crowd clapped.

  ‘What an actor!’ thought Duck.

  ‘Do these animals do any tricks, Dad?’

  ‘Any buttons to press?’

  ‘When’s the Cyberfarm starting? I want a farm-cart thrill ride and a cyberhelmet.‘

  ‘We’ll come back later in the week,’ said the parent. ‘The Cyberfarm will be working by then.’

  Duck hadn’t heard of a ‘Cyberfarm’ before.

  ‘Thrill rides? Cyberfarm? What does he mean?’ asked Sheep.

  ‘It wasn’t my decision,’ explained Cate. ‘It’s just a trial to attract more visitors. The technos are arriving tomorrow to set up the virtual helmets, cyber-rides on robot animals and a farm-cart thrill ride.’

  ‘Will there still be jobs for us?’ asked Sheep.

  ‘I hope so.’ Cate looked worried.

  ‘I’m much more interesting than a robot duck and real Parrot is a great performer,’ said Duck.

  ‘I know that, but others need to see it!’ said Cate.

  Duck decided then and there to direct a show with REAL animals for the farm visitors.

  He followed the crowd so he could hear everything the children said about animals. To direct a good show, he needed to know what they wanted.

  Kids patted his feathers and then chased him or wanted to take him home.

  This is research, he told himself. His show would be much better than any robot animals!

  Duck liked his idea so much that he took a running leap, skidded on his webbed feet and belly-flopped across the stones.

  ‘Lift your wings higher.’ From a fence post, Parrot gave orders. ‘Perch-gymnastics is much harder.’

  ‘I wasnt doing gymnastics, I was having fun!’

  They didn’t know a pair of wild, green eyes was watching from the long grass.

  ‘Ah!’ The Feral’s eyes were not friendly as they followed Duck’s every move. ’My dinner, perhaps?‘ muttered the Feral.

  ‘Nobody does perch-gymnastics like me. I was trained.’ Parrot tight-rope-walked across the fence. He did a somersault, landed on one leg and bowed with his wings outstretched.

  Such a performance!

  ‘Who trained you?’ asked Duck.

  Parrot did a back flip.

  ‘My previous owner was a Russian dancer with the Moscow Circus.’

  Parrot did a forward roll. He bounced off a bucket full of vegetable peelings, without falling in.

  Duck wing-clapped. ‘Wow,’ he gasped. ‘Did she teach you to sing or dance?’

  Parrot said, ‘Do you mean ballet? Tap dancing? Rap dancing? Or folk dancing?’

  Duck was getting some great ideas for his show.

  ‘Listen. I’ll sing you a few of my songs,’ said Parrot.

  So he did.

  They didn’t notice the Feral getting closer.

  It moved silently.

  Two minutes later, a chicken was missing from the hen house.

  Duck had been lucky that day.

  Chapter 2

  Putting on a Show

  Duck held an urgent barn meeting.

  ‘We have a problem,’ Duck announced. ‘None of us want to be replaced by a robot! Why don’t we put on a REAL show, with REAL animals, for the visitors?’

  ‘Visitors are hard work,’ said Goat.

  ‘They make rude comments about how much you eat,’ said Pig.

  ‘They ask, “Which flavour milk comes out of that cow, Mum? Ha. Ha. Ha”,’ said Cow. ‘Not funny.’

  ‘I like it when they clap,’ said Goat. ‘I want them to clap more often.’

  Goat started to show off his dancing steps to the others. After he’d kicked Horse, Sheep and Cow twice by accident, Parrot suggested that Goat stop dancing for now.

  Goat went red. ‘So sorry.’

  ‘What will you do?’ Sheep asked Duck.

  ‘I’ll be the director,’ said Duck.

  ‘What does a director do?’ asked Goat.

  ‘A director listens to everybody’s suggestions and decides what goes into the show,’ explained Duck.

  ‘That’s good, I’ve got plenty to say,’ said Parrot.’ What about...’

  ‘Ssshhh,’ said Duck,’ I’m still talking.’

  ‘We’ve off to a good start,’ chuckled Horse.

  ‘The director decides who goes on first and who goes on last,’ said Duck.

  ‘Do you decide who goes on in the middle?’ asked Sheep.’

  ‘Of course,’ quacked Duck. ’I’m the Director.’

  ‘Sounds like you decide everything,’ said Parrot. ‘Is that fair?’

  All the animals looked at Duck and Duck looked at all the animals. He knew he had to say something important.

  ‘I’m very happy not to be in the show and I’ll make sure you look your best. But I would like to be called The Director,’ announced Duck.

  ‘Give Duck a go,’ said Goat.

  Everyone agreed.

  ‘Just for now,’ added Pig.

  ‘Should we tell Cate?’ asked Horse. ‘ Or give her a nice surprise?’

  ‘Keep it a surprise,’ said Sheep.

  ‘Everyone is to have a turn,’ said Horse. ‘Nobody is to hide in the straw.’

  Just then there was a familiar sound. Rattling buckets.

  ‘Cate’s coming!’ warned Parrot. ‘Head back to your pens.’

  ‘Oh, there you are, Duck,’ said Cate. ‘Come and sit on my lap.’

  Cate plonked herself down by the fire. ‘Tomorrow will be a busy day. Invasion of the technos starts.’

  Chapter 3

  Invasion of the Technos

  Bang! Crash! Wow! The cybertechs moved in. They put cords and plugs together. Leads ran everywhere. Flashing lights. Helmets.

  ‘How are the SFX inside the helmets?’ called a techno.

  ‘What’s SFX?’ asked Sheep.

  ‘Sound Effects,’ explained Parrot.

  ‘I can make noise. I don’t need plugging in!’ said Sheep crossly. ‘Baaa Baaa Baaa.’

  Cate explained. ‘They’re trialling cybergames. Kids watch what happens when they feed cyber animals. They’ll play interactive games like “Smell the Food Inside Pig”. We’ll be a Fun Park.’

  ‘Why me?’ said Pig.

  ‘What’s wrong with us the way we are?’ said Goat. ‘We’re real. We’re fun. We play games.’

  ‘We can play mud slides in the real mud.’

  ‘Splash-land in the puddles in the farmyard.’

  ‘Maybe the visitors will miss us,’ said Duck thoughtfully. ‘We can be patted. We smell. We’re real. We talk back. We don’t need power points.’

  Just then, a caretaker robot walked across the yard. Its rainbow overalls looked a bit like Cate’s.

  The Technos were following.

  ‘Hey, what’s that?’ called Parrot.

  ‘Robot-me,’ said Cate, unhappily.

  ‘Would the duck like to try on a helmet?’ asked one of the technos. ‘We need to try out the range.’

  Duck with a cyberhelmet looked seriously different.

  Inside the helmet, Duck’s world changed. The SFX were loud.

  Things moved.

  Just then, something went wrong.

  Twaaaaang!

  The technos looked very unhappy. ‘Take it off, Duck.’ They checked the leads.

  ‘Not enough power points in the barn,’ said a techno. ‘We’ll return with an electrician.’

  ‘Bye,’ said Cate.

  ‘No cybercrackers,’ said Parrot.

  Duck was very worried. If the cyberfarm took over, where would the animals go?

  That helmet was VERY different.

  Chapter 4

  To Direct or Not To Direct?

  After the Technos had gone, Duck helped Cate serve the farm dinners. Pig invited Duck to stay for a chat.


  ‘I have news for you, Duck. I’m going to be in the show.’

  ‘Why?’ enquired Duck.

  ‘No cyberpig could be as farm-smelly as me. I overheard a child talking to its mother. The child said, “I like the pig best.”’

  ‘I see,’ said Duck.

  Pig sat up. ‘I’ll choose what I want to do.’

  ‘Of course.’ Best not to argue with Pig.

  ‘Rolling in the mud is fine, but maybe a tallented pig like me can do more.’

  The other animals joined them.

  ‘So what will you do in the show, Pig?’ asked Goat.

  ‘I might dance,’ said Pig.

  ‘What sort of dance?’ Horse liked details.

  ‘Belly dancing,’ said Pig quickly.

  ‘Are you a ballet dancer?’ asked Sheep.

  Pig shook his head. ‘No, belly dancers wave veils.’

  ‘You could use Cate’s scarf,’ said Duck. ‘Parrot, could you go and get it from the rocking chair?’

  Parrot soon returned with a long, multi-coloured, see-through scarf. There was more Pig than there was scarf.

  ‘Belly dancing is a very old art. It comes from the Middle East,’ quacked Duck. ‘Usually girls do it.’

  ‘I shall be the first male belly dancing pig in the history of the world!’

  ‘Oh. BELLY dancing,’ said Sheep. ‘That’s a relief. I thought we’d have to find one of those pink frilly things… a big one.’

  ‘I could direct Pig,’ sais Duck.

  ‘I’ll do it my way,’ said Pig.

  Pig’s belly wobbled and he flapped the scarf.

  ‘Dancers need drums,’ suggested Parrot.

  Duck had an idea. ‘Cate’s buckets. Goat could bang them with his feet.’

  ‘Great!’ said a delighted Goat.

  Goat’s new career began. The trouble was that Cate needed her buckets at feeding time. So the drums could only be played between meals.