Captivated by his wife's relaxed and open manner, Marvin pulled her close. He felt particularly blessed when she came willingly into his arms. His happiness over her response to the property dimmed when he realized he hadn't been sure if she would accept his embrace. Things between them had become that tenuous. "It feels right to me, too, but I still want you two to look at the other properties."
Agreeing, Shay and Daniel followed Marvin around the porch to the front of the house and allowed him to show them two other houses within walking distance. When they had exited the last one, Shay said, "The first one is ours."
"I think so, too," Daniel said.
Marvin turned his wrist and glanced at his watch. "Perfect timing. The real estate agent should be at the other property by the time we walk back." The agent was there, and the four of them sat on the rotting steps and made plans for the purchase of what would become the new Genesis House offices. Their business completed, Shay and Marvin stayed behind after the realtor and Daniel left.
"Let's walk through once more," Shay said. She pulled out a pen and pad from her black shoulder bag and began to write. "The front room will definitely be the community room, and then one of these rooms—" she pointed to the smaller rooms off the hallway—"could be your office, and the other could be mine."
Marvin rested his back against the wall, a grin on his face. He liked seeing Shay animated and involved the way she was now. "Why do you get the larger space?"
She turned her head from the office in question and looked at him. She paused, and a shutter fell over her eyes. She turned back to the office. "I'm going to need space for the baby's crib."
"Oh," Marvin said, pushing away from the wall to stand close behind her. "Of course. I should have thought of that."
She turned and gave him a half-smile. "Let's go upstairs."
He followed her to the back stairs, hating the distance that had suddenly reinserted itself between them. When they reached the top, she said, "Let's see. There are a lot of possibilities here." She moved to the largest of the six rooms, the one with a fireplace and a connecting door to one of the two bathrooms. "I think we should make this one our bedroom," she said, the excitement returning to her voice. "The fireplace adds a nice touch, and we'd have a great view of the backyard." She turned to him. "What do you think?"
Marvin opened his mouth, but no words came out. He thought she understood. Sure, they'd talked about moving in here, but things had changed since then. They'd changed a great deal.
"Marvin?"
He rubbed his chin. "It's an idea, Shay, but I'm not sure we should be the ones to move in. Maybe somebody else would be better. Daniel or a family from the community maybe, with all this space."
Shay folded her arms across her waist. "What's this really about, Marvin?" she asked with knowing eyes.
He'd been married to her too long not to acknowledge how well she knew him. "We're having a baby, Shay. I don't think now is the time for us to move in here. We need some peace and quiet. Not all the activity that's going to be going on around this place."
"I disagree," she said. Her hands were now on her hips. "I'm fine," she said, and held up her hand to stop him when he would have interrupted her. "I'm fine, and if my condition changes I can follow the doctor's orders here as well as I can follow them at the parsonage."
"The parsonage is a single-story," he reminded her. "This is a two-story. What about the stairs?"
What about them? Shay didn't voice the question, but Marvin heard the words telegraphed from her brain to his.
"If the stairs get to be too much trouble, we can use one of the rooms downstairs for a bedroom," she said instead. "Have a little faith, Marvin," she pleaded.
Marvin shook his head. He had thought a lot about the baby his wife was carrying, and the stress she was bound to be under if they lived here on-site. No, he much preferred them being able to get away from work. In fact, he liked the idea of her being away most of the time. There was bound to be a lot of traffic and activity going on down here—people coming and going all the time—and he didn't want her to have to deal with all of it along with what could become a problem pregnancy. He wasn't sure, though, how to make his point without ending up back in the no-win conversation they'd had too many times already. "I'm not going to risk it, Shay. We're not moving in here."
"But Marvin—"
He pinned her with his eyes. "No. End of discussion."
"End of discussion? End of discussion?" she sputtered. "What do you mean, end of discussion, Marvin Taylor?"
"I meant what I said." Marvin determined not to back down.
His wife was too used to getting what she wanted. She had to realize things didn't work out just because you wanted them to or because you were a Christian. They still had to take care and be cautious. If his wife couldn't see the need, it was his job to see it for her.
She folded her arms across her chest and tapped her shoe against the flooring. "You're serious?" Her bright eyes shot arrows directly at him.
He met her glare with one of his own. "As a heart attack."
* * *
As Shay and Marvin lay in bed later that night, Shay unsuccessfully sought some way to bridge the gap she feared was widening between them. She tried to temper her anger with prayer, but it wasn't working. Was today's showdown with Marvin a preview of the next few months of her life? In addition to making him try to ignore her pregnancy, was Marvin's fear going to color everything in the life they shared? What if she did encounter problems with this pregnancy—would she be able to count on Marvin to be there for her? Or would he run as he'd run in the past? as he was running now?
Don't think that way, she told herself, but the thoughts and associated doubts kept coming anyway. Marvin had left her before. That was fact. Not because he didn't love her. No, she was sure of his love. But because he couldn't deal with the hand they'd been dealt. He couldn't face his demons with her by his side. Would this situation end the same way?
Already she felt Marvin's emotional detachment. She even understood it on an intellectual level, but understanding didn't make it hurt any less. Lord, what are we going to do? She turned to face her husband's back. He was hugging his side of the bed much as she was hugging hers. Distance, she thought, even here we seek distance.
"Marvin," she whispered, "are you awake?" She knew he was, but she held her breath as she waited for him to decide whether he would answer.
He turned to face her, and his eyes were clear and alert. No, he hadn't been anywhere close to sleep. "I'm awake," he said. "Something wrong?"
Why did something have to be wrong? she wanted to ask, but she didn't. "I was thinking that since we're concerned about the baby, maybe we could go to childbirth classes. You know, that way we'd feel like we were doing something positive, not waiting around for something bad to happen."
"Isn't it too early for that?" he asked.
She moved her head back and forth against the pillow. "There's really no timetable for it. If it works for us to go now, we can go now."
Marvin closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them she knew what his answer was going to be. "Let's wait awhile, Shay. After the first trimester, we'll do the classes."
Shay bit back her disappointment. "You don't think I'm going to carry this baby to term, do you, Marvin?"
His gaze fluttered away from her. "That's not what I'm saying. I just want us to wait."
Shay's heart filled with tears that she fought to prevent from showing in her eyes. "Okay, Marvin," she said, "if that's the way you want it." Without waiting for his response, she turned on her side away from him and hugged her side of the bed again.
Chapter 11
Shay closed the study guide and patted Bo on his knee. "Good job," she said. "I think you're ready."
Bo raised skeptical eyes to hers. "I'm not good at tests."
She took his chin in her hands and spoke, looking directly into his eyes. "You're better than you think. We've been studying for almost four weeks
now, and you're ready. You're going to do wonderfully well on that practice exam next week."
Bo turned away and opened the book she had closed. "Maybe I should study some more."
Smiling, she took the book from him. "Not tonight. Studying is over for tonight. Now it's time to eat."
"Did somebody mention food?"
Both Shay and Bo turned at the sound of Marvin's question. He entered the sitting room, arms loaded with a large pizza box and a two-liter bottle of soda. He placed both on the coffee table in front of her and Bo. "I'll get napkins," she said, getting up. She wagged her finger at Bo and added, "No more studying for you."
Marvin dropped down on the floor next to the table. "So you're ready for your test?"
Bo lifted his shoulders in a noncommittal shrug. "Shay says I am, but I'm not too sure."
"That's why it's good you're taking the practice test. This way, you'll have a better handle on how well you're going to do under actual test conditions. I know this is easy for me to say, but you should try not to sweat it."
"Yeah," Bo said, "that is easy to say."
Marvin lifted the lid on the pizza box, plucked a pepperoni off the pizza, and popped it into his mouth. "Try to think about something else," he suggested. "Have you decided about our pool challenge? That should keep your mind off the test."
Bo grinned. "Yeah, I've thought about it, and I've picked a place. How about Jo-Jo's out on the highway?"
Marvin knew the place, and he could guess why Bo had chosen it. Jo-Jo's Last Chance Bar and Grill was a dive located out on the highway just beyond Odessa. All manner of activity, legal and not so legal, was reputed to take place there. He knew Bo had chosen it for just that reason.
"You've heard of it?" Bo asked when he didn't respond.
Marvin popped another pepperoni in his mouth. "Sure, I've heard of it. I've even driven by there a couple of times, though I've never been inside. Looks like a rough spot."
Bo met his gaze. "It is, but you can pick another spot if Jo-Jo's is too much for you to handle."
Marvin shook his head. "I can handle Jo-Jo's, all right." This was a test, he knew. Marvin understood well Bo's thinking because he'd held similar thoughts in the past. Show people your worst side and see what happens. If the kid only knew that Marvin had been in and out of places much worse than Jo-Jo's before he turned fifteen. "What time should I get there?"
Bo copied Marvin's actions and plucked off a pepperoni for himself. "Eight o'clock," he said. "We want a cheering squad, and the crowd should be there by then."
"You'd better do some practicing," Marvin said. "I don't want you to be embarrassed in front of your friends."
Bo gave a hearty laugh at that comment.
* * *
When Shay returned, she heard Marvin and Bo laughing together. She stood in the doorway and listened to the happy sounds, and a severe pain settled around her heart. Why couldn't Marvin be this happy about their baby? Why did it hurt so much to see him this happy with Bo?
She cared for Bo as much as Marvin did. She didn't want Marvin to curtail his relationship with the boy, she only wished he'd share some of his love with her and their unborn child. She couldn't remember the last time they'd laughed together the way he was laughing now with Bo.
It seemed all Marvin did these days was deny her. He was denying her his involvement with their pregnancy by withholding his full support until the end of the first trimester. He had denied her full involvement with Genesis House by refusing to allow them to live on the property. All in all, he was denying her the full experience of him as her husband, and she missed him terribly.
She closed her eyes. Lord, please guard my heart against this resentment toward Marvin and this jealousy toward Bo that I'm feeling.
When Shay opened her eyes, she found Bo's eyes on her, and for a moment, she thought he knew what had been on her mind. Shaking off that crazy thought, she trooped over to the table. "Here are the napkins, forks, and cups. You'll have to get your own ice out of the freezer."
Bo stood quickly, picking up his study book when he did. "I'm not going to stay," he said. "I'd better get home and see if The Aunts have any chores for me."
"But I thought you were eating with us," Shay said. "We certainly can't eat this entire pizza."
Bo's gaze settled on Marvin. "She's right," he told the boy. "You have to stay or she'll make me eat the whole thing, and then I'll be too big to play pool with you."
Bo laughed and settled himself back down. Marvin laughed with him. Shay didn't know which hurt more, watching the joy that Marvin shared with Bo, or living with the strained silences and tense discussions that their time alone had become.
* * *
Tears welled in Shay's eyes as she tried unsuccessfully to snap her favorite jeans the next morning. She could force the snap, but the fit would be too tight, and she much preferred to be comfortable. She pulled an old blue sundress from her closet and quickly donned it.
This pregnancy feels so different from my first one, she thought. She hadn't minded the changes in her body then, and she really didn't mind them now, but things were different. Then, Marvin had shared the experience with her and had gloried in the changes in her body, making her feel attractive even as her body grew unwieldy. She missed his involvement with this pregnancy, and she missed his loving support.
Did she want too much? she wondered. Was she being unreasonable to want her husband to be happy about their unborn child? She pressed her hand to her stomach even as she shook her head in answer to her own question. Marvin was the unreasonable one in this relationship, not her. He was the one holding himself back. With that thought in mind, she hurried off to the kitchen for her regular breakfast fare of dry toast and applesauce.
* * *
Marvin was pouring his second cup of coffee when Shay entered the kitchen. She looked so fresh and arresting in the flowing blue sundress she'd chosen for the day that he wanted to pull her into his arms and kiss her. In the past, an action would have accompanied the thought, but this morning he wasn't sure his overture would be welcome.
Well, why not? He reached out, pulled her into his arms, and kissed her anyway. When he lifted his head, she stared at him with questioning eyes.
"I love you," he declared. "I... love... you."
Her eyes filled with tears. "I love you, too."
There. Both of them had spoken the magic words, yet nothing between them had changed. He dropped his arms from her shoulders and stepped back. She moved around him to make her morning toast.
"How are you feeling this morning?" he asked after a few long and quiet minutes had passed.
She dropped two slices of whole-grain bread in the toaster and looked up at him. "About as well as can be expected. You remember how I was with—" She looked away. "I'm fine."
Marvin knew she had been about to mention Marvin Jr., and he knew the reason she hadn't. "I remember," he said in a whisper. How could he forget?
She took the jar of applesauce out of the refrigerator. "I'll be fine in an hour or so."
He nodded, hating the stiffness between them. Their politeness did little to cover the tension that sat uncomfortably on both their shoulders. "Is it very awful for you?"
She took a small bowl from an upper cabinet and filled it with applesauce. "Inconvenient, not awful. It's a small price to pay for something so wonderful."
"You'd tell me if it was something more, wouldn't you? You wouldn't try to keep it from me?"
Her lips turned downward, and he felt her sadness. "I'm fine, Marvin," she said, "and I'd tell you if I weren't." The toast popped up, and she took it from the toaster. "Don't start looking for trouble. Everything is going to be fine."
Marvin started to enumerate the things that could go wrong, but a glance into her wet eyes stopped his words. "Okay," he said, and went back to his coffee. After he finished the cup, he said, "Bo's taking his practice exam today, isn't he?"
Shay looked up at him, and he saw her first smile of the morning.
"One o'clock," she said. "He's ready, but he's also very nervous." She took her applesauce and toast to the table and sat down.
"I'll be praying for him." Marvin took his cup and followed her to the table. "You know, I'm playing pool with him Friday. Why don't we do dinner with him afterward as a sort of celebration?"
Shay opened her mouth as if to speak, but she looked down at her plate instead. "What?" Marvin asked.
She raised defiant eyes to his. "I'm trying to understand you, Marvin, but I'm not getting it."
"Getting what?" he asked, not liking the accusation in her voice.
Shay ripped a slice of her toast in half. "You want to celebrate with Bo, but you don't want to celebrate our child?"
"I told you I wanted to wait—"
She dipped one piece of the toast in the bowl of applesauce. "I know what you told me, and I'm trying to understand where you're coming from, but it's hard, Marvin, and it hurts. I look at you with Bo. I see the way you've extended yourself to him. You're even putting yourself in danger by going to this Jo-Jo's place. But you do it, and you do it because you care."
"That's different."
"How?" she asked, tears falling from her eyes. "Love is love. You either give it or you don't. How can you give it to Bo and not to our child?"
"So, you'd understand better if I didn't show that I cared for Bo?"
She shook her head. "You know better than that. But I can't help but wonder how you can love Bo so easily and yet withhold love from your own child. I don't understand how you can ration your love that way."
"I do love our child," he said. "You have to believe I do."
She kept shaking her head. "Why don't I see that love the way I see your love for Bo? Why don't you show it?"
Marvin began to feel blocked in. "I told you, Shay. Let's wait until the end of the first trimester. We only have a few weeks to go"
"You really think something bad is going to happen, don't you?"
Marvin shook his head. "Let's just wait. We only have a few more weeks."
* * *
"Are you worried about Marvin going out to Jo-Jo's tonight?" Daniel asked Shay from his perch on the kitchen counter. He looked on as she prepared a snack for the two of them and Vickie, who had stepped out to the bathroom. The three had gathered together to pray with Marvin before he left to play pool with Bo, and they planned to continue their vigil until he returned.
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