Being Human

by Patricia Lynne

  I took both her hands and pressed them to my chest. “I would never mock you. I love you.”

  I thought it was the right thing to say, something humans liked to hear. But fear filled my nose, her eyes widening as she pulled away. I took a cautious step forward, placing a hand on her shoulder. “I shouldn’t have said that, tell me why.”

  She trembled under my touch. “It's... It's... It's...” Her voice stuck on that word. She paused and drew in deep breaths, her arms wrapped around herself. When she looked at me, I saw the little girl I had rescued ten years ago, terrified and alone. “Do you know what he did to me?”

  “He took you and scared you. He was going to kill you.”

  She blinked to force the tears back. “He didn’t just take me, he destroyed me.”

  “How?”

  Her lips moved, words even I couldn't hear, whispered to herself. She looked into my eyes and started talking. “When he’d take me from the wall, he’d say it was time to play the love game. Then he’d tie me on the bed so I couldn’t move and kiss me. Each time he kissed me, he’d say, A kiss means I love you. And he’d kiss lower and lower. When I’d start to cry, he’d put tape over my mouth and tell me a grown-up never cries.”

  “But you weren't a grown-up, you were a child. Why would he think you were a grown-up?” Her words confused and angered me. Everything I thought I understood about the monster was changing. If I could kill him again, I knew I would. I'd kill him a thousand times if that's what it took to break his power over her.

  “He knew I wasn't a grown-up and that's why he took me,” she whispered. She hugged me again as fresh tears fell. I held her tight against me, remembering how she fit in my arms all those years ago and that she still did.

  “Everything is all right,” I whispered in her ear.

  She stilled against me. “You told me that ten years ago and I remember how I believed you.”

  “Do you believe me now?”

  “Yes,” she whispered and looked up at me. “I’ve never told anyone any of that, not even the police or my therapist. I was too afraid of what people would say.”

  I wrapped my arms back around her, holding her tightly. She tensed when I moved my lips to her ear and whispered, “I will never let anyone hurt my Sunlight.”

  She pulled away, eyes wide. As we stared at each other, the scared girl of ten years ago started to fade away. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She took my hands, gripping them tightly. “I know.”

  ****

  Usually when the sun rose, I hated every moment that slowly passed as I sat powerless. I was still powerless, energy sapped with the rising of the sun, but this time I was happy. Even when Sunlight left too soon, the happiness didn't fade. It stayed with me and helped me through the otherwise long day.

  The smile was still on my face when I arrived home.

  “Hey, lil’ bro.” Dan set his newspaper aside, face tight with worry. “How ya feeling?”

  I tilted my head at him and my smile faded into confusion. “What?”

  “I kept getting weird bursts of emotions, happiness, panic and confusion. Are you okay? I wanted to call, but Rissa convinced me to let you mourn your friend.”

  “Friend?” I paused to think, remembering Amy. “Oh, I got over it.”

  Disbelief was thick in Dan’s voice. “You got over it?”

  “She couldn’t survive anymore.”

  He sighed as if he wanted to argue, but thought better of it and disappeared behind his newspaper.

  “Danny.” I paused.

  He peered over the top of his newspaper. “Spit it out. If you're using my name, then it's serious.”

  “I love you. I love your wife and my niece too. You're my family and I understand that means we need to love each other,” I started. “But your wife wasn't always family. How did you know to love her?”

  He set his newspaper down. “This is about Jamie, isn't it?”

  How did he always know?

  I nodded. “I love her, but she’s not family.”

  “I think we need a couple beers for this.” He disappeared into the kitchen and returned with the brown bottles. I wrinkled my nose, but took one and sat at his beckoning. After a few sips and a long, thoughtful look, he spoke. “I know you like simple things, easily connected to survival, so I’ll try my best. Love isn’t simple. It’s complex with many layers. Sometimes what you think is love isn’t, other times what you think isn’t love is. There are many different kinds of love as well.”

  Already I was confused. Another thing I thought I understood had changed on me. Why was nothing in the human world simple?

  “For me, there are three kinds of love,” Dan continued. “Love for my wife. I’m not afraid to share my deepest secrets with her. Love for my daughter. I’d do anything to ensure her safety. And love for my brother. I know I can always trust you to be here for me and I can feel that in our bond. They’re different kinds of love, but each one is important and it doesn’t matter if the person has any relation to me. I still feel that love.”

  “I can love someone who's not family?” I clarified.

  “Yes,” Dan replied. Worry flicked in his eyes, an unvoiced concern.

  “I didn’t take her. She came back.”

  Dan downed his beer and fixed me with a stern look usually reserved for my niece. “Okay, but be careful.”

  “I will.”

  “Are you still confused?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did I help any?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay. Anything else?”

  I shook my head and he resumed reading his newspaper. I wandered into the kitchen where Rissa sat at the table. I peered over her shoulder at the papers for my niece’s school scattered before her.

  “What are these for?”

  Rissa jumped, her hand flying to her chest. “You startled me, Tommy.” She turned back to the papers. “A fundraiser for Mackenzie’s volleyball team. They want to sell little stuffed bears and, as their coach, I have to decide whether it’s worth it.”

  “And the money helps the team survive?”

  Rissa laughed lightly. “Yes, the team will survive if we raise enough money.”

  I left her and headed up the stairs. My niece lay on her bed, legs kicking the air as she chatted on the phone. She smiled and waved at me, then focused back on her conversation. Knowing better than to listen to a one-sided conversation I had no chance of understanding, I headed back downstairs and out the door.

  Normally, I’d find Amy if my family was occupied, but she was gone now. A flash of sorrow bolted through me. There were other vampires, the ones gathered in the woods. I had talked to a few and managed not to kill them. In my opinion that made us friends, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with other vampires.

  Plenty of hours left in the night, I wound up at my cellar. I walked around the small space, feeling restless. Sunlight’s scent hung in the air and filled every corner. If I closed my eyes, I could pretend she was still here with me. I didn’t, but the thought crossed my mind.

  I froze when the ground around me vibrated from footsteps. My eyes locked on the cellar door I had thoughtlessly left open. As the footsteps neared, a soft, snuffing sound floated through the door. Every part of me tensed when a pair of legs flopped over the side.

  Sunlight fell into my arms as she struggled down the broken ladder. Her eyes and nose were red and leaking, and her chest shook as she gasped for breath between sobs. She flung her arms around my neck, her crying increasing.

  “Tommy!”

  I remained motionless, uncertain what to do or what caused her tears. When her tears stopped, she didn’t move from me. Her arms continued to cling to my neck as her heartbeat slowed to a steady pace and the muscles in her body relaxed against me. Finally, she pulled away, wiping at her eyes.

  “You look panicked.”

  “I don’t know why you were crying and I don’t like it,” I replied.

  “Sorry,” she said and l
ooked away. “I didn’t know where else to go or who to turn to.” Anger filled her voice. “My parents don’t get it.”

  My stomach dropped to my feet. She told her parents about me! My gaze snapped to the still open cellar door. Time stopped as I waited and listened for the sound of sirens and Vampire Forces to rain down on me.

  “Tommy, what’s wrong?”

  I turned to her, hating how accusing my voice sounded. “You told your parents about me?”

  Her eyes widened. “No, I wouldn’t do that. They’d panic and call VF. I meant they don’t get me. They think that because I told them I did two things they think normal kids do means I’m better and it’s about time.” Tears filled her eyes again. “They act like I’m overreacting, that I had been visiting an uncle and nothing serious happened. That’s not what happened. He took me, touched me and terrified me. I was only four and I couldn’t fight back. I’ve been terrified ever since. Of life! Of humans! I hate it, I hate him and I hate them!”

  She collapsed against me and I lowered us to the floor. Her sobs grated against my ears, the worst sound in the world. I tried to think of something to say and ease the tears and pain she felt. There was only one word. It popped in my mind and out my mouth without a thought.

  “Safe.”

  Her face glistened with moisture when she looked at me. Through the tears, a sliver of happiness pushed passed the sorrow and fear and started to grow. She leaned back against me, her cheek resting against my chest. “Safe.”

  Time stopped and calmness filled the air around us with a soothing lullaby. I held her against me as the feeling seeped into me. I knew, after tonight, more things were changing on me. I didn’t mind for once, in fact, I welcomed it.

  Sunlight sighed. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome,” I replied, then laughed. “I’ve never said that.”

  She laughed with me and wiped lingering moisture away. “Why not?”

  “I thought it was pointless, but I think I understand now. You’re saying you’re happy to make another happy.”

  She laughed again, the sound mixed with a sniff.

  “Are you done crying?”

  Her cheeks glowed red. “Yeah, I think so.” More red filled her face. “You’re the first person I’ve felt comfortable touching since he took me. I couldn’t even manage a handshake at times.”

  “I don’t get handshakes.”

  A burst of laughter escaped her. “Sorry, I guess vampires don’t shake hands much.”

  “No, we try to kill each other.”

  Her eyes widened in shock.

  “I shouldn’t have said that. My brother says I don’t think before I speak,” I apologized.

  “At least you always speak the truth.”

  I wiped a lock of damp hair out of her face, being truthful. “I don't like you crying. I feel helpless when you do.”

  “I'm sorry.”

  “I don’t like you saying that either.”

  She leaned back against me and I looped my arms around her. A smile followed the hug. I had never hugged or smiled so much in my life. I leaned closer to her ear.

  “How do you get me to do so many pointless, human actions?”

  She pulled away, worry filling her face. “Is that bad?”

  “No, why would it be bad?”

  She shrugged. “You said pointless, so I thought maybe you didn’t like…”

  Her voice trailed off as I pressed my nose to her ear. She laughed and squirmed, trying to escape. I didn’t let her get away, blowing soft breaths and grazing my nose along her skin until her bell-like voice rang with laughter.

  “This is very pointless,” I said. “And so much fun! I never understood fun before. Never knew it was so fun.”

  She laughed louder, still struggling to escape my pursuit of her ear. “Of course, silly. That’s why it’s called fun.”

  “Silly? How am I silly?”

  She giggled more, voice singing. “Silly, silly vampire, he has no clue. Whatever can he do?”

  “What?”

  She laughed louder, filling the night with her beautiful sound. Eventually she quieted and the smile on her lips faded. She stared at the dark cellar with a faraway look in her eyes.

  Worry wiggled in my mind. “Are you all right?”

  A smile returned to her face as she sighed. “Yeah, I think I am… finally.”

  ****

  The photo albums were spread out before me, memories from my life displayed. There were images of me as a human, smiling and full of life, and accompanied by my brother and parents. In others, there was no sign of me, just my family who loved me as a vampire.

  I leafed through the pages, my mind drifting to Sunlight. Did she have a baby book full of images? Was her life normal and happy before the monster took her? What would have happened if he hadn't taken her? That question made my stomach clench. If the monster hadn't taken her, she wouldn’t have needed me to rescue her. She wouldn’t know me.

  Maybe she'd be friends with my niece and I could see her that way.

  I dismissed the thought. I had to hide from my niece’s friends. They thought I was nothing more than a vicious, bloodthirsty monster. If the monster hadn’t taken Sunlight, she would believe the same.

  Growling, I slammed the book shut and shoved the albums away. I thought of how happy I made Sunlight, how she trusted me to keep her safe. She knew me, the real me, the vampire me. Nothing would change that and it didn’t matter that if I hadn’t saved her she would hate me.

  “Tommy, what’s wrong?” Dan shuffled to me, a mixture of sleep and worry on his face as he rubbed at his chest and sat next to me. My pain woke him.

  “I feel… guilty.”

  “About what?”

  I licked my lips and tried to sort through the pain filling me. It covered my whole body, throbbing deep at the center of my chest and worse than any injury I had ever received. “She knows me as a vampire and it doesn’t bother her. It makes her feel safe and she trusts me. But if I hadn’t rescued her from the monster, she wouldn’t feel that way with me. I’m glad he took her.” I glanced at him. “Does that make me bad?”

  A smile tugged at Dan’s lips. He placed his arm around my shoulder and gave me a squeeze. “You’re not a bad person… vampire. You’re just feeling human.”

  I sighed. “I get tired of doing human things. Humans are too complex.”

  “I know,” Dan said. “But you can't help it any more than you can help drinking blood. As much as you deny it, you are still human. It was just buried deep inside you when you were turned and it’s slowly grown over the years, nurtured by me, Rissa and Mackenzie. And now Jamie.”

  “I can't stop it?”

  “It’s who you are and trying to stop it would change you. I don’t know about Jamie, but I know I don’t want that.” A knowing look filled his face, one that told me he had the perfect answer for me, one I’d understand. “Think of it this way, if you hadn’t changed, you might have never rescued Jamie and you’d never know who she was.”

  ****

  “I'm sorry!” I blurted out as soon as Sunlight pushed her window open.

  Her face turned confused. “About what?”

  I hissed at myself. I said I wasn’t going to apologize without explaining first, had everything I wanted to tell her prepared. But, as usual, my vampire instinct got in the way and I said the only thing that really made sense to me: I’m sorry. I licked my lips and tried again. “I wanted to say I’m sorry because I realized if the monster hadn’t…” My voice died and for the first time in my life, I struggled with words. “If the monster hadn’t taken you, I wouldn’t…”

  “You wouldn’t have had to save me,” she finished.

  I looked away and nodded. “I’m sorry.”

  Her fingers brushed my chin and turned my face back to her. A warm smile filled her face. “I have my life because you saved me. Thank you.”

  My guilt dissolved into a smile.

  Sunlight’s gaze dropped and her ch
eeks flushed red. “Do you want to come in or hang outside my window all night?”

  Energy hummed and faded as I crawled into her bright and colorful bedroom. Toys filled a rocking chair near her bed and a computer sat on a desk by a bookshelf that overflowed with books. Clothing hung neatly in a closet – a stark contrast from my niece’s overflowing closet. Everything looked neat and in its place. Except for one thing. It hung invisible to human eyes, but filled every inch of the room with its smell.

  Fear.

  I was by her side in an instant, searching for whatever scared her and ready to kill it. “What’s wrong? Where’s the monster?”

  “There’s no monster.”

  “Yes, there is, I can smell your fear. Don’t worry, I won’t let it get you.”

  She smiled sadly. “Nothing is going to get me. I just get jumpy easily. Before you showed up, I heard a noise that turned out to be a towel falling to the floor in the bathroom.”

  “You sure?” I insisted.

  She smiled and pressed her palm against my cheek. “Promise.” For a moment her gaze stayed on her hand and her cheer faded. “Is there something wrong with me?”

  “Why?”

  She shrugged. “Because after ten years the only connection I make with another is a vampire.”

  Her words cut deep. I rested my hand against her cheek. “Please don’t say that. I don’t want you to be ashamed you speak to me.”

  She placed her hand over mine and squeezed. “I’m not. It’s just sometimes I feel like you should be human; that if you were, we’d be the same.”

  “If I was human, I’d look like my brother.”

  She dropped her gaze from mine. “I guess.”

  I lifted her chin and gave her a prolonged smile. “My niece says since I was a teenager when I was turned, I’ll always be one. Besides, if I wasn’t a vampire, then I wouldn’t have been able to rescue you.”

  “You wouldn’t be you either,” she said with a smile.