An Alien's Guide to the Human Species

by Deb McEwan

  ‘What O, Piers. Time to go old chap. Say toodle pip and we’ll be off.’

  ‘Err.’ Piers looked uncomfortable but his companion nudged him, urging him to say his piece.

  ‘Well actually, my good man. You see it’s like this…’

  ‘What’s he saying, what’s happening.’ Vicky was eager to know.

  ‘Sssshhh, I’m trying to listen to him.’

  Vicky reluctantly shut up.

  Piers’ friend spoke. ‘Actually, Piers wants to stay here with me. It was love at first sight and we’re going to be together forever.’

  Max was relieved that the female could speak in the language that Vicky could understand, but not happy that Piers wanted to stay.

  ‘Now look here, Piers, you’re with my team and we must follow orders. Pull yourself together old chap, come on.’

  Max explained his response to Vicky and, to his surprise, she thought Piers should be allowed to stay.

  ‘This is the right time and place for him, Max, and I really believe that this was meant to be.’

  Piers wouldn’t be moved and insisting that he loved Gladys with all his heart, said he was staying put.

  Max thought about what Vicky had said and looked at the happy couple, they were obviously in love. He could see that this was Piers’ best chance of happiness and reluctantly allowed him to stay. He explained that there would be no going back as it might not be possible to find him in future if he changed his mind. Max and Vicky returned to the pod minus their unusual colleague.

  When they explained to the rest of the platoon, most of them were pleased that Piers had been allowed to stay and their estimation of Max, already high, increased further.

  Caroline and Phil’s wedding day soon came around and Max had to work out the logistics to bring the Terries their best viewing experience yet.

  Max had stayed in Mursholme Hall the night before the wedding. He woke early on the wedding day and did his usual exercises. Being strong and supple was important to Max, especially if he wanted to live a long and fulfilling life. He’d squirreled away some tomato from the previous night and had been lucky enough to snatch a few crumbs of cheese as well. He feasted on these for his breakfast and couldn’t have wished for a better start to the day, except to share it with a certain somebody.

  Max quickly switched to work mode and checked the roster. He would run the show from the Hall and be assisted by juniors until Clive and his team Blue Hawk arrived with Phil and Sam, and Vicky and her team, Pink Eagle arrived with Caroline and her father. They’d all watch the ceremony, then one team would move outside with the photographer, another would cover the reception and the third the bridal suite. Max and Vicky would be mobile between each area and Julian and the Jacobies would provide security throughout.

  Max had cancelled all leave and changed the shift patterns for the week running up to the wedding and the day after. He’d planned a surprise party for his subordinates the following night to thank them for their hard work.

  Caroline opened her eyes and stretched slowly. She smiled to herself, got out of bed opened the window and looked out. Sun shining – check. Birds singing – check. It was going to be a lovely day. She had butterflies in her stomach so went to the loo before joining her parents.

  Caroline’s parents had woken early and were already arguing by the time she went downstairs.

  She put the coffee on and called to her parents.

  ‘Do you think you could put your differences aside for this special day of mine? If it’s not too much to ask.’

  The sarcasm wasn’t lost on either of them and Martin resisted the urge to respond to Jean’s last criticism.

  ‘It’s your father’s fault, he started it.’ Jean sounded like a 5 year old.

  Caroline stood at the living room door and raised her eyes heavenward.

  ‘You’re like a pair of bloody kids, just leave it out for today and try to be happy for me.’

  ‘Of course, darling, I’m sorry.’ Martin hugged his daughter.

  ‘It’s your special day, you’ll look beautiful walking down the aisle, just like a princess and everything will be perfect.’ Caroline smiled at her father and relaxed a little, until her mother spoke.

  ‘It’s not too late to change your mind you know. It doesn’t matter about the money, if you’re having doubts you don’t have to go through with it.’

  ‘For God’s sake, Mam, I love Phil and want to spend the rest of my life with him.’

  ‘OK, OK.’ Jean shrugged. ‘That’s what I said and look where we’ve ended up.’

  ‘You were only a teenager though, Mam, I’m a grown woman.’ Both of them ignored Caroline’s comments.

  Martin was furious. ‘That’s hardly fair, Jean, if you weren’t such a…’

  ‘Enough the pair of you!’ Caroline’s shouting silenced her parents. She was determined not to let anything spoil her good mood.

  ‘I’m getting married today, Sue and Karen are coming round at 10.’ Sue and Karen were the bridesmaids.

  ‘Elaine will see to them first then do my hair and make-up. Let’s all keep calm and happy today, please?’

  Hearing the pleading in their daughter’s voice made Jean and Martin determined not to argue. That meant they’d try to avoid each other for most of the day.

  ‘Right, I’ll get the breakfast on. Bucks fizz?’ Martin smiled at his daughter.

  ‘Don’t mind if I do, Dad.’

  ‘And me please.’ Said Jean and a temporary truce was called between the parents.

  They finished their breakfast and Caroline stood up. ‘Right I’m going for my last shower as a single girl.’ She’d not long finished in the bathroom when Sue and Karen arrived.

  ‘Morning lovely lady, who’s getting married today then? Are you excited? Have you got butterflies? What you been up to then? What time’s Elaine coming round? Are you nervous?’

  Caroline waited for Sue to take a breath then jumped in.

  ‘I think you’re more nervous than me, calm down for God’s sake.’

  ‘She’s been like that all morning. She’s doing my bloody head in.’ Karen gave Caroline a hug.

  ‘You all right, love?’

  Martin went to put the kettle on and Jean said she’d go and use the bathroom while the girls were getting ready downstairs.

  ‘I’m fine thanks. Well now that those two have stopped arguing I am.’

  Caroline told her friends about her morning and the warning she’d given to her parents. Karen sympathised with her but Sue seemed very jittery and went to the kitchen to help Caroline’s father with the drinks.

  ‘Is she taking something?’ Caroline whispered to Karen.

  ‘She was really tired yesterday and told me she might take something to make her feel a bit better today.’ Karen frowned. ‘I hope she’s not been on the red bull today of all days, you know how it makes her.’

  Caroline nodded her head. Last time Sue’d had a can of red bull when they were on a night out, she’d ended up dancing on the tables when the band was on and stripping down to her underwear. They had all been ejected from the club. She’d then thrown up over the bouncer and called him a wanker. It had taken all of their persuasion and charm to stop him from calling the police. Sue had promised not to drink red bull after that so Caroline collared her in the kitchen.

  ‘You been on the red bull, Sue?’

  Caroline could see the guilt on Sue’s face and didn’t need the answer.

  ‘Well done, Sue, you’d better not ruin my day today or there’ll be big trouble.’ Caroline was still trying to keep calm but finding it more difficult by the minute. ‘Don’t stress, mate. I won’t do anything to embarrass you or any of your guests.’ Said Sue in between chewing her nails. Caroline wasn’t convinced.

  ‘Don’t let her have coffee or alcohol, Dad, just water please.’

  ‘Since when did you turn into my mother?’ Sue went to grab some bucks fizz but Martin put a stop to it.

  ‘Water or tea love, it�
��s up to you?’

  Sue opted for a nice cup of tea and the girls went back to the living room to wait for Elaine.

  *****

  Phil was up at 7 o’clock and it wasn’t long before his brother joined him in the living room.

  ‘How you feeling?’

  Phil smiled. ‘I’m fine mate thanks. Looking forward to today and really looking forward to getting away with Caroline. It seems like we’ve been planning this for ages.’

  ‘You mean Caroline’s been planning this for ages, Phil.’

  ‘You know what I mean. I’m looking forward to having her back.’

  Sam nodded and went to make some more coffee. ‘Slap up breakfast for the condemned man?’

  Phil laughed and said that would be great.

  Clive felt the need to explain to Junior. ‘They say condemned man as a joke as some men believe that marriage is a loss of freedom like a prison sentence.’

  ‘I don’t think Vicky would find that very funny.’ Junior said.

  Caroline and her bridesmaids looked stunning when Elaine had finished with them. Jean was dressed to kill in a low-cut tight fitting red dress that showed off her lovely legs and décolletage perfectly. She figured that she’d show her husband what he was missing. Her outfit was complemented with a black jacket, shoes and hat. Caroline thought her mother dressed too young for her age but had to admit that she looked fantastic.

  Caroline and Martin waved the bridesmaids and Jean off on their journey to Mursholme Hall and planned to follow them 15 minutes later. Caroline was crazy about Phil but had no intention of being on time for her 2 o’clock wedding.

  ‘You look absolutely gorgeous, like a fairytale princess. You OK?’

  Martin was trying his best to hold back the tears.

  ‘I’m fine, Dad honestly. A bit nervous but other than that really excited. I’m holding up better than you by the looks of it.’

  Martin laughed and wiped a tear from his eye.

  ‘He’s a good bloke, darling but if he doesn’t look after you like you deserve, he’ll have me to answer to.’

  ‘Oh, Dad, come on before you make me cry and I ruin my make-up.’

  ‘Before we go I want you to have this.’

  Martin gave Caroline a three colour gold bracelet. ‘This is your something new for today. Have you got your something old, borrowed and blue?’

  ‘I’ve got a blue garter and Gran’s ring is the something old. I’m wearing a new necklace but this bracelet is absolutely beautiful.’

  Caroline put the bracelet on and her father helped fasten it.

  ‘Whatever your future holds, darling, I want you to know that I love you, I’m proud of you and you’ll always be my little girl.’

  Caroline kissed her father on the cheek. They went outside where the stretch limo was waiting and they made their way to Mursholme Hall.

  *****

  Phil and Sam entered the large reception room where the weddings took place. The chairs, padded and covered in burgundy coloured velvet on the backs and seats and finished in gold gilt, were laid out in rows on both sides separated by the aisle in the middle. The majority of guests had already arrived and Caroline’s relatives and friends were sitting on the left and Phil’s on the right. Cream roses were hung throughout the room and filled the air with their sweet perfume. Phil hoped Caroline would notice this touch. They quietly said hello to some of the guests on the walk to the front of the room where the wedding would take place. After shaking hands with the Earl and exchanging pleasantries, all they had to do was wait for the bridal party to arrive so that proceedings could begin.

  Ten, then fifteen minutes passed and Phil was slightly worried.

  ‘I knew she’d be late. What if she doesn’t turn up?’

  Phil’s laid back demeanour was slipping and it was quite rare for Sam to see his younger brother getting twitchy.

  ‘Don’t worry, she’ll be here shortly.’ The Earl smiled at the groom and put a hand on his forearm. They then heard whispers of she’s here from the back of the room and the keyboard player struck up the Wedding March.

  All the spider teams were now in place and ready to film the day’s action.

  Phil turned round to have a sneaky look at his bride and thought she looked gorgeous in her long tight-fitting satin dress. Her veil was thin and he could see her stunning smile even though it covered her face. Sam was busy admiring Karen who winked at him when she saw him looking.

  Caroline reached her groom and they smiled at each other. The Earl welcomed the 100 or so guests to the celebration of Caroline and Phil’s wedding and the proceedings began. Phil was asked to place the ring on his bride’s hand. It was the antique that her late paternal grandmother had given her; plaited 3 coloured gold affair; Welsh, white and yellow gold and Caroline would treasure it for the rest of her life. Phil didn’t like wearing rings and Caroline was quite happy with this as she trusted him implicitly.

  Vicky thought that Caroline looked beautiful. ‘When I get married I know I can’t wear a dress, but I’m going to wear a veil.’ She thought out loud and hoped for a response from Max. He ignored her remark and whispered.

  ‘The wedding ring is an instantly recognizable symbol of the joining of a man and woman as husband and wife.’

  ‘Thanks for sharing Boss. You know everything.’ Junior was genuinely impressed with Max’s knowledge and knew it wouldn’t do him any harm to tell his boss how clever he was.

  Vicky gave Junior a look and nudged Max. ‘Shush, I can’t hear what’s happening.’

  ‘I’m glad someone appreciates my knowledge.’ Said Max, looking at Junior. He turned to Vicky.

  ‘I’m trying to educate and inform so that you all become more familiar with human customs and habits.’

  ‘Aw shucks Boss that’s great.’ Vicky was miffed because Max had ignored her wedding dreams.

  ‘Do you think we might learn something by observing quietly while we film?’

  They filmed the rest in silence.

  Everything was going well until the Earl said.

  ‘... Do you Phillip Rocket Gibson…’ There were surprised titters from most of Phil’s friends and some of his family who weren’t aware of his middle name. Donna was not impressed and was determined to put the record straight. Standing up she said.

  ‘Excuse me Your Earlship but it’s Roquet as in boquet, not Rocket.’

  Sue sniggered and Caroline gave her a look which wiped the smile off her face. ‘Apologies.’ Said the Earl. ‘Do you Phillip Roquet Gibson…’ and the proceedings continued.

  Phil knew that some of his rugby mates would take the mickey about his middle name but had hoped by the time they got back from honeymoon it would be forgotten. If the laughter was anything to go by, he guessed he was being overly optimistic about them all forgetting.

  The ceremony over and the guests clapped when the Earl signalled for the Groom to kiss the Bride. They signed the register and as they left the hired singer sang I Will Always Love You to the accompaniment of the keyboard player. Caroline thought she’d burst with happiness and they walked down the aisle arm in arm acknowledging their guests. As they waited outside for their guests to offer their individual congratulations Caroline turned to her husband.

  ‘The flowers are gorgeous, Phil, what a wonderful surprise. This day just keeps on getting better.’

  Phil was overcome with emotion and wanted this scene of Caroline in all her beauty to be emblazoned on his brain forever.

  ‘Are you OK?’ Caroline asked, concerned at Phil’s colour.

  He pulled himself together.

  ‘I’m fine, Mrs Gibson.’

  Caroline smiled and Phil turned to face her full on and held both her hands.

  ‘You’ll never know how happy you make me.’ Phil swallowed a lump. ‘I don’t only love you, I worship the ground you walk on.’

  Phil was not ordinarily the most romantic of men and Caroline knew that this came straight from his heart. She promptly burst into tears. Kare
n and Sue had left the building and rushed over to the bride and groom.

  ‘What’s happened, what’s happened?’ Sue was still a little hyper from the red bull. ‘I’m OK.’ Said Caroline. ‘Just happy.’

  ‘Right.’ Said Karen. ‘Your mascara’s all over the place and you can’t greet your guests and have your photos taken in that state. Let’s get you sorted. Phil, give us ten minutes please?’

  Phil nodded his head and the girls went off to the ladies to fix Caroline’s make up. The Countess, used to seeing emotional guests, directed Karen to the grand bathroom where her staff had laid out everything needed. Ten minutes later as promised the new Mrs Gibson was returned to her groom looking beautiful.

  Although the service had been videoed for posterity, photographs were to be taken to mark the occasion. They had agreed on the sunken garden as the ideal venue and Sylvia, the wedding planner rounded up the guests and herded them into place.

  ‘Bride and Groom first please.’ The photographer, who just happened to be Sylvia’s husband, consulted with his wife and they agreed on the ideal spot for the bride and groom. Various photographs were taken and then the bridesmaids and best man and families were called forward. Sylvia organised the whole event with military-like precision and most of the party were afraid to question her orders.

  ‘Bit of a Hitler isn’t she?’ Sue whispered to Caroline.

  ‘Yes but she gets the job done though eh?’

  This was a new one on Vicky. ‘Who’s Hitler?’ She asked Max.

  ‘Hitler was a war leader and a very evil nasty little man who was responsible for millions of deaths, so not a particularly good role model for anyone, especially a wedding planner.’

  The photographs over, the wedding party and guests were manoeuvring for a drink. Sylvia banged her gong and the sound reverberated around the garden. Sue jumped like Zebeddee from the Magic Roundabout.

  ‘Hell’s bells I nearly wet myself.’

  ‘Said the polite young lady.’ Added Martin and a chuckle went round the crowd.

  ‘Mr and Mrs Gibson, ladies, gentlemen and honoured guests, please make your way to the Grand Dining Hall. Thank you.’

  Sylvia bowed slightly. Cigarettes were extinguished and everyone made their way inside.