Simply the Quest

by Mary Evans

  ‘Too right, babe.’ Hermes nodded. ‘Not being funny, but other than the teeth that Uncle H is going to knock out of your head, what have you got for us?’

  Hypnos’s crazy eyes widened. ‘I thought you might like to know where I hid one of the Chaos Stones,’ he whispered naughtily.

  Elliot’s pulse thundered through his body. Another stone. Another chance to stop Thanatos.

  Another stone, his dark voice whispered. Another chance to save Mum. An image of Josie cartwheeling down the street burst into his mind. He pushed it away.

  Hypnos took a moment to delight in the bombshell he had just dropped.

  ‘You tell us where all three of them are,’ said Hermes. ‘Then we can start talking.’

  ‘Two,’ said Hypnos.

  ‘Tree,’ said Hades, stretching his neck as he pounded one first into the other.

  ‘Two-and-a-half,’ said Hypnos.

  ‘Three,’ said Hermes, twirling the sleep trumpet like a baton.

  ‘Oh, all right,’ pouted Hypnos. ‘But I want all my gambling debts written off. Now. Do we have a deal?’

  Hermes looked at Hades. Elliot willed the God of the Underworld to agree.

  ‘Uncle H?’

  Hades looked murderously at Hypnos. ‘Anything to help the family,’ he said darkly. ‘Although if he ever sets foot in here again, I’ll snap awf his—’

  ‘Nice one!’ yelled Hermes, holding his hand up for a high five. It wasn’t returned. ‘Right, Hypnos – spill.’

  ‘Well, now here’s the thing,’ said Hypnos. ‘I don’t want to tell you.’

  ‘Seriously, pal, you are really getting up my . . .’ said Hades, picking Hypnos up by his winged head.

  ‘I want to tell . . . him,’ giggled Hypnos. He waggled a finger at Elliot.

  ‘Me?’ said Elliot.

  ‘Elliot?’ said Hermes. ‘Why?’

  ‘Because,’ squealed Hypnos conspiratorially, ‘it will drive my twin brother crazy when he finds out that the mortal boy knows where his precious stones are! He was mean to me. And I love watching him squirm . . . it’s a brother thing. Elliot knows something Thanatos doesn’t know. That’ll teach him. . .’

  ‘You haven’t told Thanatos where they are?’ Elliot asked.

  ‘If I tell him, he’ll rip me into teensy tiny little pieces,’ grinned Hypnos. ‘My lips are sealed.’

  ‘And they need to stay that way. You have to swear you won’t tell anyone else,’ said Hermes. ‘And that you’ll keep your mitts off our Elliot.’

  ‘Well, that’s a little awkward,’ said Hypnos. ‘You see, Thanatos and I agreed that I’d, sort of, kill the child. Blood is thicker than water and Thanatos gets rather stroppy if he doesn’t get his way . . .’

  ‘Mate. So do we,’ said Hermes, as Hades cracked his knuckles. ‘Swear on the Styx that Elliot will be the only person you blab to and that he stays safe. Or we can just leave you to Uncle H’s hospitality.’

  ‘But what if I . . .’ Hypnos whined.

  ‘Listen, pal,’ said Hades, with an irritated sigh. ‘I ain’t a patient man. But I’m a man who can make you a patient. Take the oath, tell the kid, bada-boom, bada-bing, that’s life.’

  ‘I wonder how strong this is?’ said Hermes, going to snap the trumpet over his knee.

  ‘All right!’ Hypnos squealed. ‘I swear on the Styx not to harm the child, nor tell any other living soul where I hid the Chaos Stones. Happy now?’

  ‘Boom!’ said Hermes. ‘So go on, then. Start talking.’

  Hypnos beckoned for Elliot to come closer. Elliot hesitated. This was a huge responsibility. Zeus had warned him that the Chaos Stones were a heavy burden to bear. And Zeus had no idea what Thanatos was offering for them.

  I can give you your mother back.

  Should he say about Thanatos’s deal?

  No, said his dark voice decisively.

  ‘Go on, mate,’ Hermes prompted kindly. ‘We’ve got your back.’

  ‘And ya front,’ said Hades forebodingly, punching his fist into an open palm. ‘And all the stuff in between.’

  Elliot gingerly leant towards the Daemon of Sleep, who slowly brought his mouth to Elliot’s ear.

  ‘BOO!’ he shouted, making Elliot scream. The Daemon collapsed into a hysterical fit.

  ‘OK, that’s it!’ said Hades, picking Hypnos off the ground by one wing and shaking him.

  ‘Where’s . . . your . . . sense . . . of . . . humour?’ giggled Hypnos between shakes. ‘OK, OK. Seriously this time.’

  Hades dropped Hypnos to the floor. Elliot put his head tentatively forward again.

  ‘So . . .’ said Hypnos, ‘the Fire Stone is . . .’

  He whispered the secret in Elliot’s ear.

  ‘How am I supposed to get that?!’ Elliot asked. ‘That’s impossible . . .’

  ‘I never said it was easy.’ Hypnos shrugged and grinned. ‘The Water Stone? Well, that’s . . .’

  ‘I don’t even know where that is,’ said Elliot.

  ‘And as for the Air Stone, that one is . . .’

  ‘What’s the Duke of Devonshire Emerald?’ said Elliot.

  ‘That’s what the mortals called it,’ said Hypnos. ‘I hid it in Columbia – now there’s somewhere that knows how to party – but it found its way to a Brazilian Emperor, who gave it to some English Duke. Lost track of it since. The mortals think it’s a priceless emerald. They have no idea.’

  ‘A priceless treasure . . .’ whispered Virgo.

  ‘There,’ said Hypnos. ‘I’ve given you what you want. Now gimme my trumpet back.’

  Hermes and Hades exchanged a glance.

  ‘If you even think of using that in here, you’ll have your teeth for breakfast,’ warned Hades.

  ‘Fine,’ huffed Hypnos. ‘You’re no fun. Now hand it over.’

  With a reluctant sigh, Hermes returned the trumpet to the Daemon of Sleep.

  ‘Yipppeeeee!’ screamed Hypnos, flying up and blowing a fanfare from his trumpet. ‘See ya, sleepyheads.’

  And with a whoosh, he whizzed out of the cell and down the dark tunnel to freedom.

  ‘What a freak,’ said Hades.

  ‘We’d better get back to Dad, like, now,’ said Hermes. ‘Hades – can you call us a cab?’

  ‘I can do better than that,’ said Hades. ‘Yous need a set of wheels. Follow me.’

  They walked further down the tunnel until they came to a door that led to the rear exit of the casino. Standing in the gloom was a huge black chariot drawn by four magnificent black stallions.

  ‘Now here’s what I’m gonna do,’ said Hades. ‘My chariot here is so fast it can outrun death. Which, given the coicumstances, is really quite convenient. My boys can take you wherever you need to go. Take it – sounds like you guys need all the help you can get.’

  ‘We could use you, Uncle H,’ said Hermes as he settled himself inside the chariot. ‘You’re proper scary when you want to be. I remember that time Dad gave you reindeer socks for Christmas . . .’

  ‘Get outta town,’ laughed Hades, slapping his nephew on the back so hard he fell out of the chariot. ‘I gotta business to run. But I got eyes and ears everywhere – I’ll let you know if I hear anything that could help.’

  ‘You take care now,’ said Persephone. ‘And remember – it’s OAP night in the cabaret on Toosdays. Tell all your friends.’

  ‘Yeah – remind ‘em to switch their hearing aids awf,’ said Hades, to a hefty punch from his wife.

  ‘Thanks, Hades. Thanks, Persephone,’ said Hermes, fist-bumping all round as the four horses turned the chariot to face one of the tunnels. ‘We’ll be in— Aaaaarghghgh!’

  At a slap from Hades, the horses charged so fast into the fog that no one noticed the Goddess of the Night hiding in the shadows, holding a writhing Hypnos bound and gagged in her wings.

  12. Questions

  ‘No, I promise – I’ll understand it,’ said Virgo as she and Elliot climbed out of Hades’s chariot that evening. ‘Tell me again.’

 
; ‘This is absolutely the last time, OK?’ said Elliot. It had been a long ride home.

  ‘I swear it on the Styx.’

  ‘Right,’ sighed Elliot. ‘Knock, knock.’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Interrupting cow.’

  ‘Interrupting cow wh—?’

  ‘MOOOOOOOOO!’

  Virgo stopped and put her hands on her hips. ‘You’ve done it again!’ she huffed. ‘How can I possibly understand mortal humour when you don’t even let me finish my sentence!’

  Elliot stifled a yawn. His lack of sleep was starting to catch up with him. Last night, when he hadn’t been thinking about ways that Thanatos might rearrange his body parts, he’d been endlessly putting Mum, who was convinced the bad man was at the door, back to bed. His thoughts slipped back to his dad. If he came home, perhaps he could do some of the night shift. Elliot couldn’t remember his last night of unbroken sleep.

  His tired eyes struggled to take in the scene that greeted him in the shed.

  ‘Snordlesnot!’ cursed Zeus, peeling a scorched shirt with an iron-shaped burn in the centre off the ironing board. ‘This bally contraption is the devil’s own work!’

  ‘Daddy, you suck at mortal housework,’ Aphrodite laughed as she hoovered the wallpaper.

  ‘I must say, I’m finding a degree of satisfaction in going about tasks without our powers,’ said Athene at her desk, unaware that she had knitted a scarf into her own hair. ‘Ah – you’re home!’ She gathered up her huge sheaf of notes and handed them to Zeus. ‘I’ve been researching the Duke of Devonshire Emerald.’

  Hermes had called on the way back to fill her in but Elliot had to hand it to her. Even without her powers, the Goddess of Wisdom was quick.

  ‘The Air Stone – the Duke of Devonshire Emerald, as the mortals believe it to be – is in the Natural History Museum in London.’

  ‘But where?’ said Elliot, recalling Mum pretending to be a dung beetle in the Creepy Crawlies room. ‘We’ll never find it, that place is like a maze.’

  ‘A maze . . .’ said Virgo with a frown. ‘Or a labyrinth . . .’

  ‘Fortunately for us, it’s a prize exhibit,’ explained Athene. ‘It’s housed in the Vault, a high-security area where the museum’s most precious artefacts are kept.’

  ‘Brilliant,’ said Aphrodite. ‘Another stupid Chaos Stone in another stupid place. This is impossible . . .’

  ‘An impossible task!’ shouted Virgo suddenly, leaping up and knocking over Zeus’s ironing board. ‘A priceless treasure, hidden in a labyrinth, that’s impossible to obtain! This is it!’

  ‘This is what?’ asked Elliot, picking up the iron before it set fire to Zeus’s shirt.

  ‘THIS IS MY QUEST!’ Virgo shrieked.

  The shed fell silent and listened to the echo.

  ‘Mate,’ Hermes whispered to Elliot. ‘What’s she banging on about now?’

  ‘She’s trying to be a hero,’ Elliot whispered back. ‘Just go with it. It’s better than her trying to be a comedian.’

  ‘Nice one, babe!’ Hermes shouted. ‘I’m in. So all we need now is a plan full of mega-boom to get it back. We’ve done it before, we’ll do it again. Bosh, boom and an extra portion of bang! There’s no great rush. Hypnos told us that Thanatos doesn’t have a Scooby where to find it – we’ll figure something out.’

  ‘If only it were that simple,’ sighed Athene, reading from her laptop. ‘The Vault is closing this Thursday for a year for refurbishment. Who knows where the Air Stone will be put then? We have three days.’

  ‘And some of us don’t have any powers,’ grumbled Aphrodite. ‘And some of us are stuck here.’

  ‘And even if we weren’t, all of us have the same problem – even you, Virgo,’ said Zeus. ‘We can’t steal it. We’re still bound by the Sacred Code.’

  Elliot’s mind raced. The Sacred Code forbade the immortals from committing a mortal crime. And from using yellow toothbrushes during cloudy days in April. It was weird. Yet all the immortals had sworn a sacred oath on the Styx to abide by it. So they were stuck.

  ‘But I’m not,’ said Elliot quickly. He knew he had to do whatever it took to get the Chaos Stones. If Thanatos got them, he planned to cull mankind with natural disasters before enslaving the survivors. If Elliot got them, he could save the world.

  Or save Mum, shouted his dark voice. But maybe he could do both? He’d figure something out. After he got all four stones.

  ‘Out of the question,’ said Athene immediately. ‘With Thanatos and Hypnos now at large, you’re in terrible danger. You must stay here at all times.’

  ‘Quite right,’ agreed Zeus. ‘That fence is enchanted with the most potent magic we possess. It’s powerful. It’s protective. It will keep you safe.’

  ‘ONLY IF YOU SHUT THE RUDDY GATE!’ hollered Hephaestus from outside. They all heard the gate slamming shut.

  ‘They’re right, Elly, you need to stay put,’ said Aphrodite. ‘The Daemons can’t hurt you here.’

  ‘Actually, the Daemons can’t hurt me anywhere,’ Elliot insisted. ‘Thanatos can’t touch me and Hypnos just swore on the Styx that he won’t.’

  ‘But we can protect you here, old boy,’ said Zeus.

  ‘No disrespect, but you can’t even protect the laundry,’ said Elliot, looking at the scorched clothing around the shed. ‘You guys don’t have your powers. I’m safer with Hermes.’

  ‘But you’d be breaking a serious mortal law,’ Athene insisted. ‘You could be taken away – from your home, from us . . . from your mother.’

  Elliot considered this. Trouble with the law was the last thing he needed.

  ‘Well, what choice do we have?’ he said. ‘You need the Air Stone. I’m the only one who can get it for you. I have to go.’

  He felt one of Zeus’s soul-searching stares.

  ‘You’re right,’ said the King of the Gods at last. ‘It has to be you. But you bally well don’t have to do it alone. If we can’t help you, you need someone who can.’

  Virgo puffed up with pure smug.

  ‘We need someone strong . . .’ said Zeus.

  Virgo gently flexed her puny muscles.

  ‘Someone brave . . .’

  ‘Did I mention that I have been to the lavatory three times after Elliot today?’ said Virgo.

  ‘Someone accustomed to perilous adventures . . .’

  ‘I organized the Zodiac Council Secret Santa,’ said Virgo. ‘Trust me, nothing’s more perilous than that . . .’

  ‘We need a hero!’ roared Zeus, warming to his theme.

  ‘YES! Yes, you do!’ Virgo roared back. ‘So I am of course delighted that you’ve chosen . . .’

  ‘Hercules!’ shouted Zeus. ‘They don’t come more heroic than my boy! If anyone can help us, he’s the chap!’

  ‘Er – Dad? Have you seen Herc lately?’ asked Hermes.

  ‘Not really – he’s been busy with that new business of his,’ said Zeus. ‘Why do you ask?’

  ‘No reason,’ said Hermes quickly, punching a text into his iGod.

  ‘But this makes no sense,’ said Virgo. ‘Just like the gentleman with a pigeon on his head, who happens to be called Clive.’

  ‘It’s a seagull and he’s called Cliff!’ sighed Elliot. ‘What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff!’

  ‘Ah,’ said Virgo. ‘Mine was better . . . But I need to be the hero. I have to get my kardia back. I am doing the quest.’

  ‘Of course you are, sweetie,’ said Aphrodite, putting her arm around Virgo and winking at Elliot. ‘But it can’t hurt to get someone more . . . experienced on board, can it?’

  ‘This is true.’ Virgo nodded eventually. ‘Hercules is indeed a mighty hero. I could learn a lot from him.’

  ‘Babe – not being funny,’ said Hermes. ‘But you might not want to get career advice from my brother.’

  ‘Why ever not?’ said Virgo.

  ‘You’ll see,’ replied Hermes as his iGod bleeped. ‘Banging. Herc can see us tomorrow.’

>   ‘Kids – you’ve got a big day tomorrow,’ said Aphrodite, sticking her tongue out at her sister as Athene landed a big book in her lap. ‘You need to find us a hero. Go get a good night’s sleep.’

  ‘Father, Aphy – you keep researching how we can access the Vault at the Natural History Museum,’ said Athene, pulling a huge legal book from her shelves. ‘I’m going to find a way to protect Elliot from mortal law. There must be a loophole for someone trying to save the world . . .’

  Elliot felt the guilty twinge in his guts. He was trying do that too. Honest.

  Of course you are, said his dark voice. But is saving the world more important than saving your mum?

  13. Forgery

  Unbeknownst to the other Gods, Hephaestus always spent the night just outside his forge. The cold didn’t bother him – the heat of his furnace was never far away – and nor did the rain. These were strange times and someone needed to keep watch. And as far as Hephaestus was concerned, that someone might as well be him. Hera hadn’t zapped his powers – she’d secretly been ordering his gadgets to spy on the immortal community for years, she needed him too much. So he was the only man for the job. And he was the only man who knew how to shut a ruddy gate.

  Most nights in the sleepy Wiltshire countryside were much the same. As soon as the sun went down, the night-time creatures went about their business – badgers, foxes, hedgehogs . . .

  But that night, there were other nocturnal visitors outside Home Farm. Years of working in a dark forge gave the immortal blacksmith exceptional night vision – and as the darkness conquered the day, he saw two new predators joining the nightly crew.

  ‘Will you hurry up?’ huffed a familiar voice.

  Hephaestus frowned. Last time he’d heard that woman, she was shrieking her knickers off as he catapulted her out of Home Farm. What was that Patricia Porshley-Plum doing sniffing around here tonight?

  An ugly-looking fella puffed up alongside her, carrying a large bag. Hephaestus picked up a scent in the air – vegetable broth . . . He retreated to the shadows and watched.

  ‘I’m just saying that no restaurant should expect its customers to collect their own food,’ whispered the Horse’s Bum as she tottered over the field in the darkness. ‘Trays should always be circular, always be silver and always be carried by someone else.’