“I can’t believe you’re here. Hang on, what are you doing here?” JJ rambles on. “Is everything okay back home?”
“Home is as good as it can be at the moment, we’re here because dad wants to bond and shit.”
My heart drops. He’s talking about me.
JJ’s hand wraps around mine and he gives it a little squeeze. I can’t speak or look at anyone. Cas and I came to an awkward mutual decision to stay away from each other. Now he’s here and I’m silently freaking out.
“Harper.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and turn around to face him. Behind us, Cas stands with Alannah and she’s holding a box with my name scribbled on top.
It’s strange, Cas doesn’t usually let her carry anything. Mind you, he doesn’t look strong enough to hold it himself. What is going on with him?
“Hey.”
It comes out wispy and entwined with the nerves that are attacking me like thorns.
“Your mom thought you’d like some more of your things around you. I’ve put some extras in there too. I wasn’t sure what the shops were like up here and Cas said deliveries were far and few, so, here, JJ can you please take this?”
His hand leaves mine and my smile is frozen, I can’t open my lips to thank her, I can barely keep myself in check.
“It’s a long way to come to drop off a box of shit,” JJ laughs, keeping things light and takes the box from her.
“We came to see Harper.”
My eyes shoot to Cas and he’s being deadly serious.
“Me?”
He nods.
“We need to talk. Alone.”
JJ waits for me to take the next step. I was happy to keep our relationship as it was, ignoring each other and being far apart from one another. However, they’ve come a long way, and deep down I want to hear what he has to say. I nod, confused as to what I’m going to hear.
“I’ll take this in and have a beer with Leo, call if you need me.”
JJ leans in and quickly kisses me on the cheek and then him and Alannah are walking off. Cas looks as nervous as I feel when it’s just the two of us left alone.
“Shall we go for a walk?” he asks, and I nod again unable to find my voice.
We walk side by side, and it’s strange being beside my father who I have never shared a conversation with that lasted more than two or three minutes. I can’t believe he’s here, in my bubble.
“What’s it like up here? I’ve only ever been to the clubhouse when I’ve visited before,” he begins.
“It’s beautiful. JJ and I venture out and find new things every day.”
It goes quiet between us and I lead us to a bench I know sits looking out over the town. Plus, I don’t think Cas will be able to go far, not with him acting like he’s trying not to be sick.
“Are you okay?” I ask, hesitantly.
Something is definitely off about him. He’s pale, his hands have a slight tremor, and his eyes are sunken and dark.
“It’s not a good day for me, and partly why I’m here.”
We sit on the bench, keeping a fair distance between us and the scent of leather and his cologne isn’t masked with cigarettes.
He smells different.
“How have you been doing? I mean, JJ tells us you’ve doing been doing well.”
His nerves calm me. I refrain from laughing, oh how the tables have turned. I love how people have made me anxious over the years and now I have the president of the Lost Souls anxious to be around me.
“Life is better, simpler, and JJ is great.” It’s all I have to say.
“Good.” He nods. “Married too, none of us saw that coming.”
I frown. Why would anyone care? They didn’t have an opinion on our relationship before we left town.
The silence begins to draw on for too long and I have no idea what to say so I sit in the silence and wait for him to speak. He’s the one who came all this way to see me after all. I’d like to think he’s played out what he wants to say.
From the corner of my eye, I see his mouth open and close numerous times before anything comes out.
“I’m sorry.”
Man, those two little words, they can mean everything, or they can mean nothing. They hit me in the chest and mean everything.
“I’m sorry for how I reacted to you being my daughter and I’m sorry I let you leave town thinking I didn’t want to get to know you.”
I get more than the two little words, I get a whole entire apology and while at first I couldn’t find the words to say, now they flow free.
“I didn’t want you getting to know me, it’s not like I made it known I wanted anything from you,” I shrug.
“It doesn’t matter, I can never change it, but I’d like the opportunity to make up for it.”
When I woke up this morning, I was not expecting to be having this conversation today. I thought the pregnancy scare would take up most of the day.
“I don’t know how to have a dad, if that makes sense to you? I don’t know how to be around you, what to say, what to call you, I’d rather not say or do anything.”
There, I’ve admitted what has been weighing me down for months.
“And then there’s Alannah, Leo and Luca, a whole family who hates me, and who I don’t know. I like what I have with JJ, I trust that, and it’s enough for me. At least it is for now.”
Every word that escapes from me leaves a good taste in my mouth and leaves me feeling lighter and lighter.
I jump to my feet and broaden my shoulders. I find myself on a roll and the words continue to flee from me. If he really wants to talk, I’ll talk.
“You’ve had a wasted journey if you came here for a relationship with me while your family still hate me, I don’t need any of you, I certainly don’t need to put myself in a situation where it causes me pain. In fact, I steer clear of anything and everything that brings me anything but peace.”
I stop pacing and he just sits there.
Watching me.
Listening to my confessions.
He half turns to me and tilts his head to gage me. His beard is always neatly trimmed and kept, and the greys are striking against the blackness.
“Are you done?” he finally asks.
“I’m not sure, but I am for now.”
A smile dances around the corner of his mouth and it almost hides the sickness in his eyes. He’s definitely sick, I’m sure of it.
“I know how it feels to have that one person complete your world, and how you want to keep anything away that could break down the walls you’ve built.”
“I don’t think you do, and you don’t have to say it just to say shit.”
He barks out a laugh and I don’t find him patronising. He almost sounds sad.
“You might not have had me growing up, but you had your mom. I had no one. My mom abandoned me on the steps of a church a few hours after I was born, my father didn’t want me and thought she had me aborted. When I say I understand, I fuckin’ understand, Harper.”
Christ. I sit back down and inch closer, but still leave a gap between us. The clouds rolling across the sky darken as our moods dive.
“I used to imagine what it would be like if my mom gave me away when I was born,” I admit.
I’d imagine a new mom and dad would scoop me up in their arms and would take me away to a new life away from Lily. I never felt bad for my mom because I always knew she would be relieved, she’d be happier without me and her burden would be lifted.
“Why?” He’s quick to ask disgustedly.
“Because I wanted more from her and she never delivered. There’re too many examples to give you, but I’m sure you get the picture. I mean, you know what it’s like to be eight and not have your mom or dad remember to pick you up from school, so you make the walk home alone and find her latest boyfriend standing in the kitchen searching the fridge for beer while she’s making him food.”
A soft growl comes from him and then he speaks.
“I’ve spent my life
living in a one-way street of pity, and all that time Slade would talk about you and I had no idea you were mine and living similar to how I did.”
“Can I ask what you would have done if you did know about me?”
“I think I would’ve reacted the same as I did, Alannah was the one who centred me like JJ does to you. I wouldn’t have let anything come between us back then, but I like to think I would’ve come to my senses like I have now. I know it’s not much and can’t change anything now, but I wouldn’t have let you grow up the way you did, I would’ve given Lily the chance to get her act together, if she didn’t, I would’ve taken you and raised you. I do know that for sure.”
For a fleeting moment, I wish we could go back in time and make that happen. I would’ve known how it felt to finish the school day and go to a home where I was welcome, and dinner would be cooking, and my dad would ask how my day was. There’d be breakfast on the table waiting for me in the mornings instead of me making my own. I would have had brothers running around the place for company instead of being an only child. I could have had so much more.
I stand again and walk over to the rocks on the edge. Turning my back to him, I squeeze my eyes shut and hide the regretful tears trying to fall.
“Alannah wouldn’t have wanted me around,” I say, trying to replace the sadness with anger and bitterness. That combination I can definitely deal with.
“Where does this assumption that Alannah has a problem with you come from? She’s the one who I’ve confided in and who planned this trip with me. She worked her own shit out and wants us to come together, if she has her way, we’ll all be sitting down to Christmas dinner as one big happy fuckin’ family.”
“She’s been barely able to look at me.”
“Alannah is fiercely loyal, but she’s also pretty fuckin’ amazing and doesn’t see everything in black and white. She’ll hold back until me and you are good, and then you’ll see a difference. I promise.”
Do I want that? I don’t know. I don’t need JJ to make decisions, but I sure would like him to be here now just so I can breathe.
“I think we should establish what we want before we bring others into our mess,” I say.
“We’re not a mess, and we have established what we want. I want to get to know you, and you want the same, you just don’t want to say it out loud and put yourself in a position where it could cost you.”
How does he understand me so well? It’s freaky.
“How long are you here for?”
“However long you and I need.”
This takes me back and I struggle to maintain a coherent thought process. My mind is hurtling backwards to last year when I couldn’t think straight. Stepping back, I can’t go to that dark place again. JJ may be my light, but his brightness might not be able to bring me back.
“I need a minute.”
“Sure.”
Stepping through the bushes, I don’t stop until I know I’m out of his sight and I crouch down and collect myself. Taking one deep breath after another, I concentrate on the nature around me and let the wind take the crazy away with itself.
It’s hard to imagine Cas coming all this way to lie to me. To string me along and play games, he wouldn’t, it’s just not who he is. It would be cruel of him to play with my emotions in such a way.
Cas
She’s been gone for too long.
Alannah has been the only woman I’ve wanted to work out and learn everything about. Even when she’s in a piss poor mood and says she’s fine, when we all know she’s far from fucking fine. Any other women that have passed through the club, I have been able to grunt and growl to get what I want, and they move on and become someone else’s problem.
Harper has become the second woman I want to know, even above my mother when she came back into my life. She stayed close to me for a few years before she died, and I felt nothing. Not ever. It wasn’t because I was a cunt, it was because I didn’t know her, and I didn’t want to know her. I allowed her to stay in town for the boys, so they could have more than I did, so much more.
I want the same for Harper and I have so much to make up for.
Maintaining a steady breathing pace, I heave myself up and wonder when I’m going to have five minutes where I don’t already feel dead and follow the path she walked down ten minutes ago.
I don’t have to go far when I find her crouched in the leaves inhaling and exhaling deeply. I’ve heard about some of the things she went through last year from Slade, I guess this is how she deals with her shit.
“Surely I don’t make you feel that bad?” I laugh, trying to distract her from her thoughts and not cough my guts up.
She doesn’t move and says, “All I’ve wanted is a dad, I don’t know what for, but I wanted one. While we’re being honest, I’m scared that if this doesn’t work out and you don’t live up to my imagination, or if I don’t fit in with you and your family, that I won’t stay in Willows Peak, and JJ will suffer because he’ll be torn between me and the club.”
“I don’t have a clue what’s going to happen in the future, I don’t even know if I’m going to be alive, but I do know that we’ll be in each other’s lives and that every fucker will know you’re my blood. I will never be able to take back my actions or words when Lily told me about you, but I can change the future and I’m going to. In fact, I’m bringing you and JJ home.”
This gets a reaction from her and she gives me her whole attention. Fear covers every inch of her face and I don’t understand.
“Why?”
She shoots up to her feet and spins to face me. She pales before me and swallows heavily.
“I should never have let you leave. At the time, I believed it would be easier for the club to protect you and Leo if you were apart and we would have more room to focus on Ellis, but I was wrong. I did it so I didn’t have to face you before I knew what to do about us.”
“I know what you mean, I couldn’t leave fast enough so I didn’t have to deal with you.”
Another thing we have in common to break the ice between us.
“Nothing to do with Ellis wanting you too?” I growl darkly.
I can’t be the only reason she wanted to skip town so fast, Ellis done a real number on her.
“JJ told me he wouldn’t let him near me, and I believe him. Ellis doesn’t scare me.” She doesn’t leave an inch for doubt when it comes to JJ. She has every faith in him, she finally has someone she can trust. From what I’ve heard, she hasn’t had many people in her life she could depend on.
I like that she has him. Before Lily confessed she’s my kid, I didn’t give a shit about their relationship. From what I’ve heard, he treated her bad from time to time, but she always gave back and gave him hell. I won’t be asking questions on that because I don’t want to hear the answers, it’s not like she would need me to kick his ass now, she’s married to the guy.
In a nanosecond I’m attacked with dizziness, I go hot and then cold and I swivel around and the little food I forced down at breakfast comes back up. Leaning by one of the trees, I put all my weight against it. I fucking hate the sickness, I could deal with the pain, but vomiting is taking its toll on me.
“Are you sick?”
Wiping my mouth, I look up at her and see genuine curiosity shining from her. JJ must’ve kept my Cancer news from her. He protects her from everything.
Before I can answer her, she slings my arm over her shoulder and she helps me back to the bench we were previously sitting at.
I must admit, it’s fucking better being off my feet. I hated the look on my boys faces when I told them, but with her, I don’t know how she’ll react, or if she’ll feel anything at all.
She doesn’t sit with me, she stands two feet away waiting for me to speak.
“Should I go back and get Leo?” she asks to break the silence.
“No, I’m fine, or I will be.”
It’s now or never, and I reckon we’ve wasted enough time not telling each other what sh
ould be said.
“I’ve got stage one lung cancer, I’ve been undergoing radiotherapy. I would’ve been here sooner, however the treatment can be extensive and I get tired easily.”
I didn’t know what to expect from her, but for her to laugh wasn’t a guess I would’ve made.
“Of course you are,” she chuckles, as her laughter dies down. “Are you dying? Is that why you’re here? You want to make peace so you don’t have me on your conscious when you go to the other side or whatever.”
Wow, she really doesn’t have any confidence in anyone, yet I like the fire she has when speaking her mind.
“To answer one of your questions, I’m not here because I’m dying. I don’t know yet if the treatment is working or not. I’m here because I’d be here if I was sick or not. I’m not a man who doesn’t keep what’s mine close to me, and you being my daughter changes everything. I was in fuckin’ shock when your mom told me and like I said, I reacted completely wrong and I’m sorry for that.”
She moves slowly, but she eventually sits back down and this time, the space between us isn’t so wide.
“I think you’re going to die,” she says, turning to look me straight in the eye.
“Huh, you don’t hold back do you?”
“I mean, why would you live when you’ve just come into my life. I’m not that lucky, so it’s just a matter of time before I get used to you and then you die on me.”
She means what she says, I can hear it in her tone, and I can see it in her eyes, but I still laugh.
The frown lines on her forehead pull together and I can’t stop.
“I’m not laughing at you, I promise.”
“It feels like you are.”
“I thought I wouldn’t have much in common with you, but you are more like me than I thought, certainly more than your brothers.”
Her neck could snap how fast she whips around to stare at me. Her mouth hangs open and then closes without her saying a word.
“What’s shocked you more, that you have something from me, or that I said it out loud you have brothers?”
“All of it.”
She’s always quick with her answers.
“Well, you do. We both know how it feels to want parents or have another parent. Leo and Luca don’t know anything but two parents, money, the brothers, they’ve had everything. Everything you should’ve had as well.”
Her Crazy Life: Sons of Lost Souls MC Novella 3.5 Page 2