As family dinners go, my first one went okay, well, after Jacob said his piece and left us to eat in peace.
JJ speeds up and rides around Leo and laughs into the night. In turn, Leo revs his bike and passes us by, zigzagging in front of us. JJ waits for an opening and takes it, speeding up, we stay side by side with them and the guys lean across, and fist bump each other. India and I find ourselves smiling at each other. Everything is falling into place perfectly. Neither of us catch up to Luca and he’s already inside when get back.
“As it’s our last night, not that Cas has ordered me home yet, shall we go for a walk?” JJ asks when we arrive at the clubhouse.
I can’t accept his invitation any faster than I do, and no one says a word as we walk towards the path up the mountain. I hope we walk to our spot, it would mean a lot to visit there one last time.
Neither of us speak, the only noises to be heard are our feet crunching on the twigs beneath us.
The clearing where we’ve spent a lot of our time comes into view and it takes my breath away. Under the night sky, the stars twinkle brightly and it takes me back to lying on the gravel in Josie’s bar parking lot the night I tried to kill myself. I have come so far I barely remember that night now. JJ does well distracting me and I let him because he makes me happy.
“Are you okay about going back tomorrow?” he asks, breaking the silence as he pulls me against him and winds his arms around me.
We over look the land beneath us and I sigh.
“It’s not going to be the same as it was before, is it?”
“Certainly not,” he grunts. “All I care about is you being fine.”
I turn in his arms and look up at him. He’s hard tonight, it’s the closer we get to leaving that he hardens like granite. I don’t like it.
“What do you see when you look at me now?”
A smile tugs the corner of his mouth and his eyes twinkle as bright as the stars above us. He softens once more and I relax.
“I see beauty and strength, I see happiness.”
I forget to breathe. He rarely speaks like this, usually he’s quick to tell me how great my ass looks or how hot I’m looking, he’s not the softy soft kind of guy.
“I worry, that’s all. I don’t want you to go backwards. We’ve been so good up here, I’m making good money, there’s no threat of Ellis, I could carry on with the positives of being here.”
“Hey, I’m working it out with Cas. Tonight was good, well, after Jacob left,” I chuckle. “When we arrive back in Willows Peak, it will still be you and me, we’ll find our way there too, just like we found our way here.”
“I won’t have you to myself there,” he pouts and I laugh.
“Oh, how the times have changed, Mr Carter.”
Once upon a time, my husband wouldn’t even stay the night in case I mistook it for commitment. He’d fuck me and ride as fast as he could back to the club, the same club he now wants to keep me from.
“Yeah-yeah, I’m serious. Do you know how many family dinners Alannah throws? You’ll and in turn me, will be expected to show up to them all. I haven’t even dealt with my parents yet, my mom will probably kill me for getting married without her there, you’re going to be the daughter she never had.”
I’ve gone from having Lily, who spent they years chasing love than raising me properly to having Lily, a new step-mom and now Bonnie as my mother-in-law. It’s overwhelming.
As he lists off all the future possibilities, I see it all flash by me. He’s right. Life is going to change, but I don’t feel like it’s going to be for the worse. Lily is still in town and I have Uncle Slade, I have cousins, I have my father and brothers, and I suppose that makes Alannah my step-mom, and I have in-laws. I’ve gone from having hardly any family, to more than I could dream of.
“And then there’s Ellis. If you pull any tricks and he gets to you again, he might not leave you alive.”
He closes his eyes as the pain of that particular possibility weighs on him. I cuddle into him and rest my head against his chest.
“I won’t do anything that puts me in danger, although, the thought of living at the club twenty-four-seven fills me with dread.”
It’s stifling to be on lockdown, and it’ll be even worse if I see everyone else coming and going and I can’t leave. It’ll suffocate me.
“We can figure something out if you promise me you won’t be reckless.”
“I promise.”
I close my eyes, as he strokes my hair softly.
“All I need, anywhere that we are, is us together,” I tell him.
“You’ve always got that, death till we part, remember?” he says, and I can feel his smile.
One thing I am looking forward to is seeing everyone’s faces when JJ walks in with a ring on his finger. My ring. He has my mark on him and there isn’t a chance of hiding it from anyone.
Looking up at him, I pucker my lips and he leans down and kisses me. I don’t need the world to see me, only JJ, and he sees who I truly am. I could not love this man any more than I do, if I could, I would burst.
“Come on, it’s getting cold out, you’re shivering.”
Being around him, I didn’t feel the cold but as I walk side by side with him back down to the clubhouse the wind picks up and it bites into me. The closer we get, we hear raised voices coming from inside and JJ fastens his step. I keep up with him and push through the door when we reach the porch.
Cas and Gabe are the only ones sitting at Gabe’s table and brothers are quietly listening but keeping back.
“I won’t ever fight you, Cas, but you know each chapter have their own business dealings that bring money in for the club.”
JJ tenses at my side as he sits us with Leo and Alannah. She smiles over at me like the tension isn’t palpable.
“Your business dealings don’t concern me, what does concern me is this peace deal you have with Jacob fuckin’ Peirce. I don’t like having to get permission for my family to fuckin’ eat when I take them out when visiting my brothers. It’s a fuckin’ piss take.”
Gabe is struggling to keep his head high under Cas’ mood and even I can feel his power shifting across the bar.
“It works for us.”
Club politics bores me, and I can’t help yawning. It’s been a long day and the last thing I want to force myself to stay awake for is talk about old men pissing for more power, or whatever they’re doing.
“I’m going to bed,” I lean in and whisper in JJ’s ear.
He nods and whispers back, “I’ll be up when I can.”
No one notices when I slip away and head upstairs. Digging out my keys, I hear footsteps coming up behind me and I turn to see Alannah and India coming towards me.
“Cas is going to tell JJ you’re both to return to Willows Peak with us tomorrow, be sure to be ready to leave by nine. Cas has a hospital appointment we can’t miss.”
“Hospital?”
“Yeah, he has his last round of radiotherapy.”
“And then you’ll find out if it worked or not?”
She nods and says goodnight, leaving to slip into her and Cas’s room. India lingers around cradling a sleeping Rayna in her arms.
“I know you have a lot going on, but can we talk when we get home? I’d really like it if we weren’t sniping at each other all the time.”
Before I left Willows Peak, our cousin relationship was healthier than it used to be, but I smile and relax my shoulders.
“Sure, I’d like that.”
We head into our rooms and I lock up behind me, JJ has a key to let himself in. I undress and fall into bed, bringing the sheets up to my neck.
The past twenty-four hours have been a rollercoaster, and tomorrow the ride is about to hurtle faster.
We left Willows Peak with so many problems and I have no choice but to be ready to face them. Given the choice, I wouldn’t go back. Being Cas’ daughter and JJ’s wife, I don’t have the choice if I want them in my life. And I do.
A husband and a dad.
JJ
“We don’t have enough time to deal with this horseshit, dad.”
I sit back as Leo tries to get through to Cas. I don’t know why he’s so adamant about getting into Gabe’s business. He’s had this deal with Jacob for twenty years and it works for them.
“I won’t have anyone telling us what to do, not while I still have breath in my body.”
That stings.
He diverts his attention to me and I wish I was upstairs lying in bed with my girl.
“And don’t think I don’t know that you know more, JJ. You think because I’m ill, I’m fuckin’ blind. How much have you been making up here?”
There’s no point in lying to him. The guy is like a hound. He sees past the bullshit because he’s a fucking god.
“A grand a run, plus more money from small jobs I’ve been taking on,” I shrug.
“Not bad,” he nods, I think, impressed.
“Was tonight the first time you met Jacob?” he asks next.
“Yes, I’ve heard of him though and Gabe has briefly explained what their peace deal is about. But Cas, it’s not as bad as you think. We did business like we were riding straight through town, it makes no difference to the club.”
There, I’ve finally said it. He’s not believing Gabe, but hopefully he might believe me.
“One time, I was visiting here because it turned out a brother had killed another brother and Gabe wouldn’t hear about it. Our chapter had to ride out here and deal with it because they wouldn’t. I’m beginning to think this chapter has been too laxly looked over. Once I’m better, and we’ve dealt with Ellis, we’ll be back and we’ll cause a war if we have to. I won’t have any of my clubs be told where they’re welcome and where they’re not.”
A sinking weight drops in my gut and Leo feels the same, I can tell just by hearing the slight exhale of breath.
On the upside, at least he’s being positive about his illness.
“Anything else before I go to bed?” I ask, going to stand.
“Yes.”
I sit back down.
“We’re leaving in the morning, all of us.”
“What about Harper and Ellis? I thought you wanted her out of town.”
“That was before, and now I want her where I can see her. I shouldn’t have sent you away, and now I’m here fixing it. We’re leaving early, so be ready to go. I’ve got shit I need to get back to, and I can’t be late for it.”
“Fine.”
I stand again and feel the weight of impending trouble pushing down on my shoulders. All I want is a good time with my wife, I didn’t sign up to be a Lost Soul to deal with this shit.
“JJ?”
I stop and face him.
“I’m not going to let anything happen to her again, you have my word.”
“It’s not just Ellis, Cas. She won’t do well being on lockdown after being free up here. She says she’s fine now, but she’s still vulnerable and I worry how little it will take to break her again.”
He nods, thinking over what he is about to say, and Leo stands. He moves in front of me and places his hands on my shoulders.
“When we’re home, and you’ve got your shit settled, we’ll find him and we’ll make her world safe again.”
“You can’t even leave the club, I’m still surprised you’re up here.”
“There’s always ways to find, she’s your wife, but she’s our family.”
I strain to stop myself from rolling my eyes.
“No offence, but she’s been your family for all of five minutes.”
“And she’s been your old lady for all of ten minutes,” he argues back.
“Hey,” Cas barks. “We’ve all made mistakes when it comes to her, no one is above anyone else. We’re her family and you’re her husband, together we’ll keep her out of Ellis’s reach.”
Throwing my head back, I exhale heavily and know he is right.
“We were thinking that you two can stay a while at dad’s and then at mine, that way we can get to know her better and she’ll be watched at all times.”
I look at my brother and the man I’ve known my entire life, they have never let me down. They have had my back from day one, no questions, no doubts.
“I’ll be ready to go by nine,” I murmur.
“Sort your business out with Gabe, settle anything you have going with him. When we return, we might not be on the same side.”
Gabe has been good to me, and to Harper. My loyalty will always be to Cas, but it isn’t sitting well the thought of going against Gabe. Hopefully, Cas will change his mind once we’re back home and he gets better.
Upstairs, the place is quiet, and Harper is sleeping soundly as I creep into bed. I’m looking forward to going home, seeing my mom and dad, and my brothers. While I’ve been here, I don’t think about them, it makes it easier to be away from everyone I’ve spent every day of my life with.
Harper rolls onto her side and I curl around her, soaking in her warmth. Her hair smells of coconuts and it smells of home. Her hair smelled of coconuts the first time I fucked her round the side of Josie’s bar. I buried my face in her hair and I remember thinking that was the first time I noticed what a girl smelled like. Harper is my first of everything that matters, no doubt about it.
Cas
It doesn’t matter how tired I find myself becoming, I can’t sleep for shit. I spend the days trying my hardest to keep up with life and everyone around me and I spend the hours during the night I don’t find sleep, watching Alannah toss and turn. She sleeps but she doesn’t sleep peacefully.
I heave myself up to sitting on the edge of the bed, careful not to wake her and inhale deeply through the nausea.
It doesn’t work.
“You need sleep, we’ve got a long trip ahead of us soon,” she says, yawning.
“I know,” I murmur.
I know what I need, and I know what conversation me and my wife have to have next, and before we leave this room. I’ve been putting it off, but I can’t any longer.
“Do you think I’ve done the right thing coming to bring her home?” I ask first.
“She’s your daughter, she should be where she belongs. With us.”
“She’s so like me in many ways.” I smile into the predawn light. “She’s sarcastic, heavily guarded, she needs JJ like I need you, she’s more of me than our boys are.”
“Some would say that was because of circumstances, not passed down from father to daughter.”
Her tight tone ties around my throat and restricts my already limited breath.
“I didn’t mean anything by it, I have more in common with her than I thought. It’s our stepping stone towards a relationship for us.”
Here it comes. Alannah knows everything in my head regarding Harper. I can’t put this off any longer. If I don’t say it now, I never will.
“Babe?”
“Yeah?”
“If I don’t beat this, I need you to know I’ve finalised my will. When we get back, I’m going to get the brothers together and I’m going to warn them…”
“You won’t be warning them about anything, you’re talking like the treatment isn’t working,” she says, cutting me off. “You have your last appointment in a couple of days, you’ll finish the round and then when they do their tests to see if it’s gone, it will be. Do you think you get to leave me? I don’t think so,” she rants.
“It’s not like I have a choice in the matter, babe. I’m organising everything now, so if it isn’t good, I won’t have to waste what time I have left.”
“I’m not talking about this.”
I don’t have to turn around to know she’s sitting up. The old mattress creaks and it jolts me until she stills.
“You don’t have a choice, Alannah. You’ll get the house. Leo has the cabin and he’s settled with India, he’ll get my patch and as my eldest, he’ll get my bike. I’ve put cash aside for Luca for when he turns eighteen.”
; “Cas, that’s just next year. Please, don’t talk about not being here. I can’t deal.”
“I want him to have stability, so when he turns twenty-one, I’ve set aside enough money for him to put a deposit on a house somewhere in town or near the club. I also want to see him in a prospect’s cut before I go.”
I let her whimper fall on deaf ears. Both of my boys in Lost Souls cuts would be a sight for sore eyes, and fuck me, if I don’t hurt all over.
“Cas.”
“As far as Harper is concerned, I’d like it if you kept an eye on her. If she ever needs help, help her. The cash I keep in the basement will be enough for her and JJ to set up home, not that Sparky and Bonnie wouldn’t help them, but it’s something I can help her with. It should be more, if I had more time…”
“Shut up.”
Venom oozes from her and I turn to look over my shoulder at her. Her eyes are dry, and she’s pissed.
“I don’t need to know what you want for those kids, you’re not going anywhere, and if you do, I’d know what you want. Tell me now if you think the treatment isn’t working, we can drive home and you can go out surrounded by your brothers and your family when I put a bullet in you myself. Do you honestly think you’re not going to beat this?”
The mattress dips as she moves across the bed, her hands slide up my back, her arms wrapping around me.
“If you don’t believe, then what the hell are you fighting for? Why are you making sure me and your kids are looked out for when you go? Why did you have us, as a family, your family, drive for nearly two days to come and make peace with a woman you know can’t be picked up and dropped on whims. Why do you tell me you love me?”
She rests her head on my shoulder, and carries on, “I don’t tell you I love you for the fun of it, I tell you so you never forget that I can’t be without you, that I can’t be a part of this world if you’re not in it. You say I’m strong and I’ll survive, but I won’t without you. I haven’t lost you once over the years, I’m not going to lose you now. You best believe you’re going to walk out of this room, drive home and go to hospital. You’ll fucking fight, like you have done your whole life, because when you fight, you win. Cas Jackson doesn’t know how to lose.”
Her Crazy Life: Sons of Lost Souls MC Novella 3.5 Page 7