Heart of Glass

by Dale, Lindy

  As we continued to move, I looked up into his eyes. The hint of grey was still there, surrounded by the deepest blue and shaded by his thick black lashes. His eyes were beautiful. I leant towards him; the fresh scent of him wafted around us, seducing me.

  “Why’d you want to dance with me? Do you feel sorry for me or something? ‘Cause you clearly don’t care about me,”

  Ben pressed his lips together. “You know I like you but…”

  “But what? Come on. But what?”

  He shrugged, obviously struggling with what he wanted to say. I couldn’t believe it. Where was the smart Ben? The confident guy who had a way with girls?

  “You know how it is.”

  “I don’t. Actually.”

  “I’ve been busy….”

  I rose my eyebrows at him. That was it? God. Boys were so weird.

  “So you’re here for the Athletics Championships tomorrow?”

  “Yeah. I’m Captain - but you knew that - and I’m in the sprints and relay as well as the long jump. I hold the record.”

  I was impressed. I’d only thought he was good at football. “Shouldn’t you be having a quiet night?”

  “Nah. I could do it with my eyes shut. It’s only a school thing.”

  He shrugged again, and I caught a glimpse of his old self-assurance.

  The music changed to the slow reggae rhythm of Bob Marley’s “Is this Love?” Ben moved closer.

  “Look, I’m sorry, Bella. I just wanted to say I’m sorry.”

  Slipping his hands to my waist, he pulled me towards him so that the length of our bodies touched. A sudden jolt from a dancer behind us worked to his advantage as my body shoved against his. He grabbed my hands helping me regain my balance.

  “You okay?”

  His arms snaked right around my waist capturing me in his grasp. Oh I so wanted to be captured, forever. His arms were strong and reassuring.

  “Fine, thanks.”

  We were dancing so close that it was impossible to move without touching. My arms slid up and wound themselves around Ben’s neck and he held me wrapped in the cocoon of his body. Why did we try to deny it? It was good to hold, and be held again. It was where I belonged. I could feel the heat of his body as we moved and I closed my eyes and rested my head against his firm chest. His arms cradled me and his cheek found a comfortable place at the top of my head. He was, after all, more than a head taller than I was. We were comfortable there in each other’s arms, two pieces of the puzzle that locked perfectly together. From somewhere in my bliss, I sent out a thought to Lucy. Wherever she had sneaked off to, I hoped she was getting a good eyeful. At the end of the song, he pulled away.

  “It’s a nice night outside. Do you wanna go for a walk? I think I need to explain.”

  “Okay,” I answered, feeling shy.

  Clutching my hand, he steered me through the crowd towards the door.

  ***

  The music died away as we walked out into the dark. Everything around us was silent but for the crickets along the edge of the path. The moon was suspended like a huge silvery globe, and stars were dotted randomly across the sky. It looked as though someone had taken fairy lights and sprinkled them through the heavens, just like the ‘Starry Starry Night’ painting I had seen in art class. It was so bright I could see the flowers that had been planted along the edges of the garden, a kaleidoscope of colour.

  We followed the path to the back of the convent. Walking slowly, our shoes crunched on the stones. Ben’s hand reached for mine and I let him hold it. It felt right with our hands wound together, fingers entwined. Finally, we stepped through an arbour and stopped in a walled garden at the side of the building.

  “It’s so pretty,” I said.

  The garden was magical. The light from the moon cast a pearly glow over the bushes and trees. At one end there was a rotunda partly hidden by a tall hedge, and a willow that lay it’s branches down to scrape the ground. The other side of the garden was filled with white rose bushes and gardenias, their blooms glowing in the moonlight, their perfume wafted on the breeze, filling the air around us. It was perfect, and it was deserted.

  We walked to the rotunda and climbed the sandstone steps. Sitting on the top step, I stared into the plum coloured night. Ben turned to face me, his hand still holding mine. His eyes were bright, their blue piercing and intense. I felt as if I could drown in the depths of their blue.

  “I’ve thought about you and what happened a lot, Bella. I wanted to ring you but I couldn’t. I guess I felt guilty.”

  “Funny that.”

  “I heard you’ve been getting a bit of shit at school. Are you okay?” I couldn’t understand why he kept asking me that. He clearly had no real feelings for me. Why would he care how I felt?

  “I’ll cope. Lucy said a lot of stuff…. why did you sleep with her?”

  Ben was silent for a minute, his eyes lost in thought.

  “I was drunk and she was real insistent. I guess I was a bit sick of getting knocked back all the time.”

  “I thought you were okay with me wanting to take it slow. I’m fifteen Ben. I don’t exactly have the experience you do. And it hurt me when I found out. It really hurt. I know you weren’t actually my boyfriend, we weren’t going together or anything, but it still hurt.”

  I searched his face, trying to make sense of it. He looked as if he were going to cry.

  “I don’t know why I went with her. It just happened. I’m sorry. All I wanted was you and you weren’t there.”

  “So it was just sex?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Then how do I know you wont go off and do it with some other girl the next time you get all hot and bothered?”

  He stared into my eyes, looking to make the hurt disappear. “Guess you’ll have to trust me. Please, Bella. Just trust me. I want to make it up to you. This whole thing has made me realise how much you mean to me. I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I’m not some girl you can just have when you feel like it, you know, I won’t be a game to you.”

  Ben bit his lip.

  “You’re not a game to me,” he whispered. “I want to be with you so much it hurts. I tried to forget you, tried not to think about how we fit together but I couldn’t. And I wanted to tell you how I felt but I was scared. I’ve never felt like this before. This is something totally new for me too.”

  Then he pulled me to him and kissed me.

  Hardly drawing breath, Ben’s hands flew up and down the length of my spine. He crushed me to him as his mouth ravaged mine. I burnt, I quivered, I sighed but I couldn’t give in. My body was tingling from his words and I felt giddy and faint. My knees trembled as he pushed me against the timber railing, his kiss growing deeper and more demanding.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”

  “As long as you don’t leave me,” I answered.

  “I won’t, I’ll never leave you. You’re like this missing piece of me. I know that now.”

  My head was spinning. That little voice inside was telling me not to trust him, not to listen to his words of love. If he would go with Lucy, he would go with anybody but his fingers were tickling my breast through my top and my body was growing hotter with each touch. He buried his head in the shallow of my cleavage and kissed me there and then until, when I could stand it no more; he pulled aside my bra and laid his lips upon my breast. He was driving me into a frenzy I could not control. My resolve was slipping with each kiss and I knew I had to do something before his hands and tongue rendered me utterly senseless.

  “No.”

  His hands fell away and he looked up at me. “What do you mean?”

  “I said stop, that’s enough. Somebody might see us.”

  “Jesus, Bella, nobody can see. We’re all alone. Come on…”

  I could see the annoyance sparking in his eyes. This was no time for modesty. I was trying his patience, no end.

  “Ben.” I tried to wriggle but his body had me pi
nned against the railing.

  “What? Don’t you like it?”

  “It’s not that.”

  “Then what?”

  “You’re touching me and kissing me and suddenly I saw myself and I realised how I must it must look. Its just not right, out here in public.”

  Ben sighed and stood up. He adjusted his clothes and ran a ragged hand through his hair. “I guess so,” he said. “But if this is going to work between us, you’re gonna have to loosen up a little. I know you’re only fifteen but you have to remember I’m eighteen.”

  I was shocked. Hadn’t he just said he didn’t care about the sex? That it was ‘us’ he was into?

  “Don’t look at me like that. You know its true.” He grinned down at me and held out his hand. It was a supreme effort, but he had managed, once again, to do the gentlemanly thing. And I had managed to drive him crazy.

  “So what exactly did you have in mind?”

  “You’ll see Bel’. You’ll see.”

  ***

  As we sat on the curb waiting for Dad, the hall doors opened and groups of teenagers came spilling out into the night.

  “I think I’ll go now, you’ll be quite safe until your dad arrives,” he said.

  I looked up into his eyes as he stood to leave. “Will you call me? Or are you going to forget about me like last time?”

  Ben sat back down, cradling me. Inclining his head over my shoulder, so that no one else could hear, he murmured, “I’ll never forget you. I dream about you every night and I think about you all day. When we’re apart, I ache, wondering about the next time we’ll see each other. I feel lost without you.”

  “Does that mean I’m your girlfriend, like exclusive then?”

  “I guess it does.”

  Chapter 8

  I GOT YOU

  I don’t know why sometimes I get frightened

  You can see my eyes, you can tell that I’m not lying

  Spilt Enz

  “Happy Birthday, Bella. Sweet sixteen and never been kissed, eh?” Dad joked, as I came into the kitchen on the morning of my 16th birthday. He leant over the breakfast bar, and pushing a pile of gifts, wrapped in pink shiny paper towards me, kissed me on the cheek.

  “There you go sweetheart, now you’ve been kissed by the best looking guy on the planet. Your Mum will be out of the shower in a minute but she said to start opening your presents. I hope you like them. Those Barbie dolls sure are expensive these days.”

  I walked over to the pantry, smirking at his feeble attempts, and poured myself a large bowl of cereal. Parents were so lame sometimes. “Ha, ha, ha, Dad. Your jokes aren’t improving with age you know.”

  Carrying my bowl in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other, I made a beeline to the other side of the counter where, perching on the edge I began to divest my gifts of their wrappings, tossing the paper aside. By this time, Mum had joined the celebration. As usual, she was wearing a print dress and white sandals. Her uniform never changed either. In fact, I couldn’t remember Mum changing her hair since I’d been born. It was always the same, dyed chestnut brown and combed into a neat chignon at the back of her head. She looked as if she had been swept straight from the set of ‘I Love Lucy’ and into our home.

  The presents were fairly much as I had expected; books, a record voucher and clothes - including a red sundress, a mocha coloured string bikini and strappy leather sandals. For once, I wished my parents would break free from the mould and buy me some frivolous, expensive gift like the sparkly sandals I had seen in the mall. Oh, how I wished my parents were loaded and extravagant, not middle class and sensible.

  At around 10am, there was a knock at the front door. As I fumbled with the lock, I wondered who could be on the other side at that hour of the morning. I pulled the door slightly ajar, peeking through the gap. A short balding man, wearing a green delivery uniform and a jaunty cap, was standing on the doorstep holding the largest bunch of red roses I had ever seen in my life.

  “Delivery for Annabelle Stone, can you sign for it?”

  He shoved a pen through the crack of the door. “Sign.”

  “Oh sorry, of course.” I opened the door a little wider, swinging my arm around and trying to relieve him of his clipboard without being seen in my nightwear. “Thank you, so much.”

  Within five minutes, all hell had broken loose. The roses, long stemmed and blood red with the darkest of green leaves, had been from Ben. There were sixteen in total, one for each year of my life. In the centre of the bouquet stood a single white rose to which a card was attached,

  Darling Bella,

  I wish I could be there to give these to you myself but happy 16th birthday. The red roses are for the way you make me feel and the white one reminds me of you. Soft and pure.

  Forever yours.

  Ben xxx.

  Sitting on the stool in the kitchen, I stared in wonderment at the bouquet. It was not the type of gift I expected. They made a bold statement about the depth of Ben’s feelings as they trailed across the breakfast bar. I was unable to take my eyes off them. Mum stood in silence, and from the look on her usually expressionless face, flabbergasted.

  “That bouquet is enormous! It must have cost a fortune.”

  Ignoring Mum as she began to rant, I put the stems into water, following the instructions on how to care for them.

  “Just who is this boy to send such an expensive bouquet? I hope you haven’t done anything to compromise yourself.” She clicked her tongue in that disapproving way she had when she would have liked to say more but was far too polite to do so.

  Unbeknown to Mum, who was still in lecture mode, I had spotted a second gift hidden in the middle of the bouquet, tucked safely away from prying eyes. It was a small blue box.

  Pretending to re-read the card, I slipped the box into the pocket of my pyjama top. Then I picked up the enormous vase and walked down the hall to my bedroom where I placed it on the side table next to the bed and sat down, still in shock, to stare at Ben’s gift.

  It was twenty minutes before I got the chance to be alone. Mum called Dad and they stood in the centre of the bedroom staring at the roses and muttering under their breath to each other. The tension from that little blue box was burning a hole in my chest, I couldn’t stand it, so I left them to it and locking myself in the toilet, (the only place in the whole house privacy could be guaranteed), I sat down on the lid. I reached into my pocket and retrieved the box. It was flat and square, like a ring box, with gold trimming around the edge of the lid. I closed my eyes feeling its velvety softness beneath my fingertips and then hands trembling, I prised the lid open. Sitting on a satin bed inside the box was a necklace. The chain was a mere thread, as flimsy as silk from a spider’s web, and made of the finest white gold that glittered under the harsh toilet light. Hanging from the centre of the chain was a crystal heart engraved with the most exquisite wispy flowers. I held the heart closer turning it between my fingers. On the back an inscription read,

  Now you have my heart, don’t break it. B.

  Clutching the pendant, I covered my face with my hands. Ragged breaths escaped from my lungs and a tear found it’s way to my lash. This far surpassed any gift I had ever received. Knowing I meant something to Ben made all the difference.

  ***

  Later that day, I sat on the hall floor, telephone to my ear, waiting to speak to Ben. The party guests had gone, after having their fill of birthday cake and wine, and Mum and Dad had rushed down the street to get to the shops before they closed. It never ceased to amaze me why they had to shop as if the holocaust was imminent. Surely, our pantry had enough food to last the weekend. Still, it was a pleasant surprise to find myself alone in the house.

  Engrossed in my own thoughts I didn’t hear the footsteps as they walked along the carpet behind where I sat. Two large hands covered my eyes causing me to drop the phone in surprise.

  “I see you got my presents.”

  “Oh Ben! What’re you doing here?”

  I
turned, wrapping my arms around his neck and smothering him with kisses. Then I pulled away, slapping him, “I was so upset when you said you couldn’t come because you had too much study to do and now, look! Here you are!”

  “How could I stay away? It’s only a short visit, though. I do have tonnes to do.”

  “Thank you so much for my gifts. I love the roses and the necklace is just divine. I’ll never take it off, ever.” I picked up the chain and held it up for him to admire.

  “I was only going to buy the flowers but I saw the necklace and I knew you’d like it. Anyway sixteen is a special birthday, you deserve special gifts.”

  He bent his head to mine. “Happy Birthday, Pussycat. By the way, where is everyone? I knocked on the back door but I had to let myself in.”

  I led him through to the lounge and we sat on the sofa, legs entwined. “They’re out but they should be home soon.”

  “Good, we’ve got time for a quickie before they get back,” he laughed as he threw me back on the cushions and began pawing me.

  “Get off! They’ll be home any minute and they already think I’ve been rutting like a rabbit to get those roses. Luckily, they didn’t see the necklace or I would have been shipped off to the nunnery.”

  “So does that mean that you’re not allowed to go out tonight? I’ve been driving for hours to get here but we don’t want you engaging in any more ‘questionable activities’ do we?”

  I grinned and purred against his ear. “I could think of nothing more exciting than engaging in ‘questionable activities’ with you Ben, just don’t tell my Mum! Why, where’re we going?”

  “Well, we’d better check with your folks first but I thought I might be allowed to take you out to dinner. Afterwards, we could go somewhere and rut like rabbits.”

  “Is sex all you think about?”

  “No, I think about you. All the time. You and me…. having sex.”

  I shook my head in mock exasperation as he pulled me to him and kissed me. As if I’d say no to an invitation like that. A chance to be alone with Ben was worth more than a truckload of gold.